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Original poster

To feel so bad about putting mum in care home

40 replies

Hungrymonk82 · 26/04/2022 20:59

I’m not so sure this really is an Aibu but I really didn’t know where else to post!

We have been caring for my mum at home for that last 2 years and we’re now at the point where everything is becoming more difficult. Her mobility is awful, continence issues, cognitive decline and she can not do any self care now at all. My dad is also
poorly and in need of care but nothing like my mum needs.

I know for her own safety and all round well being she needs more care than we can give but it still feels awful.

It’s exhausting and my emotions are all over the place.

OP posts:
knowinglesseveryday · 26/04/2022 21:27

You said

I know for her own safety and all round well being she needs more care than we can give but it still feels awful.

That is a good enough reason. Don't feel guilty as it is no use to either of you.

Neolara · 26/04/2022 21:24

Op - I'm in the same boat as you. My DM has late stage dementia and my dad can no longer cope. I live 2 hours away. My dad and I are visiting care homes this week. It's rubbish, but realistically there is no other option.

readsalotgirl63 · 26/04/2022 21:24

Definitely find the Elderly Parents area of Mumsnet - it was a lifesaver for me when dealing with my beloved mum. Think if you look under all Talk topics and then "other stuff" it's there.

Do understand how you feel but remember you are doing what's best for your mum.

Original poster
Hungrymonk82 · 26/04/2022 21:23

We have and we have two that are really good. It’s so scary the thought of leaving her with other people but we can’t give her the care she deserves

OP posts:
DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 26/04/2022 21:22

Report your own post (three dots at bottom of your post) and ask for it to be moved. AIBU is not the place for this op. Flowers

Original poster
Hungrymonk82 · 26/04/2022 21:21

Thanks Flibberty, everything you say makes sense! All the things you ask we are getting in place and making sure that we have time for ourselves.

Mum does have capacity and has been involved but it just feels like we’ve let her down by not being able to manage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hungrymonk82 · 26/04/2022 21:17

Thanks for that, how do I do that?? I have been a member for years but never really posted before!

OP posts:
1000yellowdaisies · 26/04/2022 21:17

Does your mum have mental capacity? (What i mean is Is she not making her own decisions)

FlibbertyGiblets · 26/04/2022 21:17

Please don't feel awful, she is being looked after in safe and secure environment. There will be staff there with expert knowledge of skin care in incontinence, they will know which barrier cream is best. There will be chef to cook food to tempt her appetite. She will be moved safely with aids where necessary. Her whole life actually will be nicer won't it, because each person at the home won't be tired and unsure of themselves - we adult children aren't trained in caring, we pick it up as we go along (get it wrong, too, sometimes). And Dad, let's think about him - he won't have the hourly worry of how his wife is; she is safe.
And you. Now you have taken the steps to get Mum safe, what do you need to help Dad; what does that look like? Extra help brought in for gettingup/dressing him/sorting out his meds to come in a weekly dosette box/finding a suitable place for him to go? Do you have a support network, can you find a weekly group or (making this up now) Swing band rehearsal, Black Bottom Dance Classes, to attend, with care for Dad in place for that time?
Much sympathy, hand squeeze too. Don't tell anyone, I have my reputation to keep up.

Musicalmaestro · 26/04/2022 21:16

Don’t feel guilty OP. It’s for the best. She will get the personal care she needs to be comfortable. Have you looked at any homes yet?

MysterOfwomanY · 26/04/2022 21:13

OP you can report your thread and ask MN to move it to the (extremely helpful, pragmatic and sympathetic) Elderly Parents board.
That's what you want...

Original poster
Hungrymonk82 · 26/04/2022 21:13

Thanks all, it’s just reassuring to know it’s the right thing and she will be well looked after.

Dad is ok to be at home for now and we are having an assessment done to make sure we have covered all aspects of care and safety.

The last 4 years have been a rollercoaster.

OP posts:
Hiphopboppertybop99 · 26/04/2022 21:09

I understand your feelings I went through the same with my dad a few years back. It really is in her best interests to have the round the clock care she needs, but it's also so important for you to know you're doing the right thing. As difficult as it is don't feel guilty there is only so much you can do. I would also see if you can get some help for your dad. Is he able to stay at home?

FriedTomatoe · 26/04/2022 21:06

Please don't feel guilty. I've worked in care homes and they're not the awful place some people make them out to be. Also, you have your own family to think of as well - caring for one person full time is really hard work. Just make sure you do your research into the right place. Big hugs and hope you sort something out soon

parietal · 26/04/2022 21:03

Don't feel guilty. She will get the care she needs in the home and you can focus your energy on visits and the positive social bits of her life.