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Elderly parents
Original poster

Suggested that mum get a cleaner.. neighbour came round as thought the screams were of her being attacked..

33 replies

pascalsmum · 25/04/2022 12:05

My mum is 83 as is my stepdad. My SD has a blood disorder that requires regular transfusions. He has gone to the hospital for one of these today. Therefore I have come over to ensure mum is safe. (Frequent falls, Macular degeneration, memory loss - the last issue NOT discussed as hyper sensitive about it) ..

Anyway .. over the last couple of years the state of the house has deteriorated. Not drastic but not good. Probably more noticeable because it's always been almost like a show home (far, far cleaner than any house I have ever been in charge of !) ..

So today, I arrive and mum asks if I want coffee. I say yes please but say I'll make it as standing up and making coffee is not easy for her.. but also because I want to clean the sink and cups before I drink anything.
There is a pile of food waste in the sink. The splash backs are covered in food residue. The cafetière is grubby... you get the picture. ..

Mum spots this attempt at surreptitious cleaning and asks what I'm doing. I tell her that I'm just giving it a quick clean ... we'll all hell breaks out. .. it's not dirty. It was just from yesterday. There is no issue anywhere. There is an issue but only in the last day or two as she has been busy... Unfortunately I bite. I feel my siblings and I have pussyfooted around this for over two years and someone needs to be brave and say something.
I guess that I am in for a penny in for a pound and tell her that a cleaner is needed. She shoots the messenger. I get my brother on the phone to support me. He tells her that a cleaner is needed. She puts the phone down.

I have tried to explain that it isn't a criticism. That she has always been a great home maker. That it is just that her physical limitations now make a cleaner necessary. .. You would think I had just suggested I drop her off at the care home this afternoon...

Now sat in another room crying. Refusing to speak to me.
I love my mum. I want her life to be easier. I have even suggested that I come and clean for her if she doesn't want a stranger in the house.. that was the suggestion that caused screams of anger that bought the neighbour running. (I'm not at all house proud so perhaps it was my shit cleaning that caused that reaction 😏) although I'm pretty sure it is just the thought of anyone else cleaning .

She gets really cross with my step dad when he tries to clean as they have always had very traditional roles - he does the garden, which is gorgeous - and the DIY. She still cleans but literally cannot stand up for more than 5 mins. Cannot reach down or up.. cannot see well.

Any idea how on Earth to deal with this. She sees a cleaner as a weakness and the path to death.. arghh. I don't want her upset . Which she is now.

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 25/04/2022 12:37

Growing old is so shit isn't it.

The anger could well not be anything you've done but another symptom of her memory loss/possible dementia.

Sockpile · 25/04/2022 12:29

Is there a regular time that there house is empty so someone can come and give the house a clean. May be easier if they aren’t in so they can ignore the fact they’ve had help.

Original poster
pascalsmum · 25/04/2022 12:23

countrygirl99 · 25/04/2022 12:17

You have my sympathy. Mum's dementia means that, while she is still capable of cooking and cleaning etc, she forgets how long things have been in the fridge so we are frequently discretely checking for the source of a nauseating odour which she never notices. But she is convinced that noxious, rotten item was only purchased yesterday even if it's 2 weeks since her last supermarket trip. Now we have a carer to check she's OK once a day and she is not impressed at all that they check the fridge as requested. Fortunately she's forgotten they did within an hour but every day it's a fresh outrage so I time my phone calls and visits to avoid the reaction.

That's a top tip... timing. Her rage is subsiding. It's horrible. Haven't had an argument with her since I was 16.. 50 years of harmony.. until the last few weeks.
In the beginning was the Stair lift... now a cleaner... it's a slippery slope .

I won the first fight but am a bit hacked off that my siblings feel the EXACT same but talk behind her back.

OP posts:
Original poster
pascalsmum · 25/04/2022 12:19

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful replies.

You are all absolutely right. Doctors ARE regarded as Gods .. so that may be a plan.
As is the idea of leaving it. On the other hand my standards are really not high.🙄.. so if I am finding it grubby... I think we are almost certainly already there .

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 25/04/2022 12:17

You have my sympathy. Mum's dementia means that, while she is still capable of cooking and cleaning etc, she forgets how long things have been in the fridge so we are frequently discretely checking for the source of a nauseating odour which she never notices. But she is convinced that noxious, rotten item was only purchased yesterday even if it's 2 weeks since her last supermarket trip. Now we have a carer to check she's OK once a day and she is not impressed at all that they check the fridge as requested. Fortunately she's forgotten they did within an hour but every day it's a fresh outrage so I time my phone calls and visits to avoid the reaction.

Magnoliayellowbird · 25/04/2022 12:12

It must be hard for your mum, as she knows she is getting older and less able to carry out cleaning tasks. As she has always been very houseproud, the thought that someone thinks (knows) that the house isn't as clean as it used to be, is just reinforcement of the knowledge that she is less capable. This is knowledge that she doesn't want to hear.

Unless you think that the house is so dirty that it's going to affect her physically, I would leave things as they are for now.

She may get to the point where she is physically unable to carry out any chores at all, and then she might be more amenable to having a cleaner.

MayorDusty · 25/04/2022 12:12

No advice but here 💐
It's a minefield.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 25/04/2022 12:11

Oh god it's so hard isn't it.
Does she have any friends/family members (who she likes/respects) tgat do have cleaners?
Could that help?
What about her GP?
If she's anything like my mum and stepdad they regard medical professionals as Gods. Would she take GP advice at a routine appointment?
Phone the surgery and ask fir a note to be put on to discuss if you think it might work.