Suggested that mum get a cleaner.. neighbour came round as thought the screams were of her being attacked..

Office of the Public Guardian

Yes thank goodness. I did them myself a good few years ago. All registered and acknowledged by OPG

May I ask what an OPG is?

This.

Also, as you say they are quite well off, then just remind them that they can't take it (money) with them so by paying someone to clean they're giving themselves more free time/a break as well as helping out someone who needs the money.

When my mother refused to have a cleaner, I tried several arguments to persuade her.
She also ha MD do couldn't see the dirt/grime.
The winner for me was that if anyone thought she couldn't cope in the house, a home might be suggested, (a little cruel looking back) but it worked.

Does she get Attendance Allowance? It does sound like she ought to. This can be used to pay for a cleaner.

You tell her you want her to live independently in her own home for as long as possible and that means she has to recognise when she needs help. This will help her stay in her home.

Most of all I don't want her to be distressed

Yes, you are absolutely right OP, that was my view too. I tried to do whatever would cause least upset for both of us.

Going on a slight tangent, have you got POAs in place?

It is very, very hard for some people to accept help, particularly with something that has been so tied to their self worth and identity, as the house clearly has for your mum.

Get a professional involved. I always used to tell relatives that part of my job was to have difficult conversations and take the flak. I don’t need an ongoing relationship with the person, you do!

What about talking to your SD - he may well be seeing the same things and hitting the same walls with your mum. Maybe if he knows you know and see it too, a bit of team work on going about it could help. He may have an idea of how to go about it and be able to be on-side and help.

You're doing the right thing, and deep down your mum will know that. Pride and independence has a lot to answer for. You've done the hardest part and broached the subject.

Can you frame it to her that instead of her being incapable she just has better things to do? It’s how my elderly relative saw it. Yes they could clean the small bungalow they lived in but it would take them all afternoon and they’d be shattered from it. so why not pay someone else so they could expend that energy doing fun things instead?

DH grandma reacted more positively when help was positioned similarly, after flat out refusing "strangers". The woman was very friendly and open, gave time to building the relationship and DGM def felt like she was "helping" by providing an income, obv not strictly true but it worked.

It also helped that she never turned down DGMs occasional offer of a small tot of afternoon sherry. I genuinely think she ended up appreciating the company and chats.

I told my Dad "people" will think he can't look after himself if his floors etc aren't clean.
It seemed to work but will only submit to an hour a month.
To be fair he keeps his work surfaces clean and doesn't cook much so the kitchen is OK.

If your mother has dementia (as sounds likely from the 'unspoken about' memory problems) the best way to approach this type of subject is by stealth. Confronting her with the facts will cause a meltdown and denial. She genuinely will not be able to accept that there is a problem however much you try to apply logic, and you risk being seen as 'the enemy' (although she will probably forget about it quickly). So in reply to "it's not dirty", agreeing with her can help defuse the situation - "yes I'm just being fussy, you sit down and I'll bring the coffee".

Does she have an afternoon nap? My gran always fell asleep after lunch and I used to the do stealth cleaning/clearing out fridge and freezer at that point. She never noticed.

I'm not sure you will be able to get a cleaner in there, unless you can position it as someone coming to help your stepdad? That is the only way my gran would suffer a 'stranger' in the house, by telling her it was to help my grandfather (obviously you would need to your stepdad to back you up). Even then the carers sometimes got short shrift, but they did usually get across the threshold and carry out their duties.

You have my sympathies, it's hard.

I had this as well OP. My Mum actually had a cleaner one morning a week but was becoming increasingly frail and struggling. I offered to pay for the cleaner (who she liked) to come in daily and do whatever Mum wanted - clean, a bit of shopping, ironing etc. She had a complete meltdown and was absolutely vicious towards me.
I learnt that she saw it as an attack on her independence. She saw me as trying to take control. I lived nearly 200 miles away and drove up most weekends in the last year of her life. We didn't speak about it again and of course, I ended up doing all the extras.

Have you pointed out that as her eyesight isn't as good as it used to be, she's missing little things? She may take that better than a straight up 'you can't keep the house clean anymore'.

My parents were persuaded into a cleaner when we told them a woman they liked at their church did it and needed some extra money. They saw it as doing her a favour for the first week, anyway, then got used to her being there. Do you know any cleaners who live nearby?

No easy advice, we had similar with my gran.
It's taken 6 years to get CCG part funding and to finally talk her round to having a 'friend' to visit who also does a bit of cleaning and cooking. The friend is actually a wider family friend who was a carer and is now her Health PA.

Me, my mum and my sibling clean the house twice a week too to bottom/prep meals and get her washed and have done for years now. It's bloody hard work being a carer and having a young family, but we want to keep her at home as long as we can as we know that would be her ideal choice.

Any idea how on Earth to deal with this. She sees a cleaner as a weakness and the path to death
I have a friend used to clean the house herself but when her DH retired she thought that she deserved to retire, too, and so she got herself a cleaner!
Can you sell it to your DM like that?

Oh lord I feel your pain.

I suggested a cleaner to DM a few years ago as thought it would be helpful and another friends DM in the area was getting one so it would be easy to arrange.

Well next time I came to visit the normally grubby bathroom was spotless but DM was in a state of exhaustion, having done it to prove to me she was up to the job.

I'd leave it for now - you've said your piece- give her time to reflect.