Mums poor decisions and impact on family

I think sadly @bunfighters solution, as hard as it is, is the only logical one. If you withdraw a little then she has to accept help from elsewhere. I was talking to someone the other day who had started to do this. She hadn't had a holiday or break years because her mother refused help from elsewhere. Eventually she stopped being at her mother's beck and call. She still visited a couple of times a day, I imagine morning and teatime, but unless urgent medical help was needed refused to visit on request. Eventually her mother had to learn to accept the outside help. Whilst social services are seeing the family managing the day to day care, however badly they are coping, they won't step in.

I have some personal experience of a situation like this. If you’re anything like me you’re probably quite polite to older family members. But sadly you really need to let her know you’re cross, and emphasis the impact this is having on your work. Tell her you’ll be sacked if she carries on, and either she accepts home help or she goes into a home. It isn’t nice and it goes against your every instinct to be caring and respectful; but ‘gentle’ hints will be batted away or fall on deaf ears. I also find very elderly women simply don’t appreciate the world of work because they don’t have much experience with it, or they’ve been retired so long they’ve forgotten how you can’t just drop everything at a moments notice.

My Nan was like this. She refused all sorts of help and support because she wanted my mum to run around after her. Endless cycles of falls, hospital stays, support packages put in place so that she could be discharged. Nan would then reject every piece of support once she was home. Mum was run ragged.

Eventually, Nan did have to move into a care home because mum couldn’t cope anymore. Even then, Nan still managed to have mum going in most days. It broke her.

Nan died in her 90s and I must admit a part of me was glad when she passed. Only because my mum was then free.

So my only piece of advice is to be very, very careful with how available you are. It might have to be the case that you don’t drop everything straight away.

I find it extremely frustrating as you can see an iceberg appearing on the horizon and drifting towards them, yet nothing gets done until there's a crisis.

This absolutely sums up the situation. The irony is my MIL has a degenerative condition and has been attending conferences and workshops for nearly two decades with all sorts about forward planning and yet they don’t do a thing until absolute crisis point

Mine is like this too with my DF as a proxy - she's left decisions around installing a ramp, stairlift etc in their home far too late with pretty awful results. I find it extremely frustrating as you can see an iceberg appearing on the horizon and drifting towards them, yet nothing gets done until there's a crisis.

Does your DM stay in sheltered housing or her own house? It sounds like some of your issues would be solved if she had appropriate paid support around her. You have my sympathies though - I have tried to encourage DM to think a bit further in advance but apparently nothing is possible to plan for.

My MIL is very similar and it causes DH and his sister no end of challenges.

Have you consider getting her assessed to see if her care needs might require some carer hours? Get your mum into the system and take it from there.

We had a similar issue with FIL, although we were hundreds of miles away so couldn't keep racing up the motorway. However, he had a very obliging neighbour who was at the end of her tether. We had to ask her not to try and help him or he wouldn't get the help he needed so the last time he fell she called the ambulance and waited but wouldn't help him up. He was furious (he was a very difficult man generally), he didn't want the ambulance called etc. etc. It was the right decision and things changed at that point but it was very hard for all concerned.

Sympathy. Sounds like my MIL. Not sure what you can do really.

Does she have capacity and insight into things? I think that if she does, nothing will change as she knows you'll always be there to run after her and make everything OK.
Sorry as I know that's not positive or helpful!

Could you write her a letter so she can read it several times and reflect on it?