Mums poor decisions and impact on family

Both my parents were like this.

Step back, let it tip over.

This will save your sanity I promise you, when it comes to elderly parents frequently the right thing isn't the nice thing

You need to tell your DM you have no time left to take off for emergencies. Tell her if she is offered help she must take it because you won't be available at short notice unless it's an emergency situation.

Tell her if she wants to remain independent in her own home for as long as possible she needs to take greater responsibility for her well-being. She needs to carry the fall alarm etc otherwise after all of the recent mishaps she's going to end up moving before she would like. This is not a threat, but it will be the outcome if she continues like this.

I am assuming you don't have limitless annual leave and an employer who allows you to take leave whenever you want with no prior notice. You probably also have people in your family that rely on you and there's your own well-being to consider.

People can become so focused on their own needs they sometimes forget to consider the impact on others (often until it all blows up).

Maybe say to her 'what are you going to do so this doesn't happen again, because I can't take anymore time off and you don't want to stay in hospital/a home' etc.

Good luck OP

I see so much of this. It gives me the rage.

As above - a good bollocking, and just say no. She falls and won’t call the careline? You call careline/ambulance for her. She won’t go to hospital? Fine, she doesn’t go.

Very old Sunday School story I was told a billion years ago

There’s a flood and a chap is stuck on the roof. The waters are rising. A fireman offers to carry him out “No thanks, the lord will provide” A passing boat offers him a lift “no thanks, the Lord will provide”. The waters rise. A helicopter passes over “No thanks, the lord will provide”. The waters rise over his head and he drowns. “Lord, why didnt you provide?” “I sent you a fireman and a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want?”

Either you carry on helping her and ruining your own life and resenting her, or you force her to accept the help that will allow you to have a good healthy relationship. Your choice I’m afraid.

It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age

And yet so many aren’t. They’re only ruined if you allow them to be.

Agreed - we all struggle at times in life. Ruining someone else’s life isn’t the answer. Old or young, not OK.

Damaging the people you’re supposed to love - your children - is the most unacceptable form of this. It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age.

There is a difference between struggling with something and behaving in such a manner that has a real negative impact on other people. One doesn’t justify the other.

Unfortunately I too have experience of someone doing this. While it was very sad how the situation came about the behaviour was not acceptable and was deeply unfair on others.

You have my sympathy - my mum is like this.

She is prescribed medication but refuses to take it.
Sacked the daily carers when my dad was bedbound.
Rings me to say she has an appointment and no one to take her..... 25 minutes before the appointment.

When I push back and say that I can accommodate the appointments if she gives me notice apparently I am being unreasonable because the Dr has to keep to the appointment list and may be running late so she can't tell me the appointment time in the first place, It doesn't matter that I have to cancel my meetings. I have given up being gentle which leads to blazing rows.

Having been where you are @AprilAlready, I have sympathies on both sides. Having seen the absolutely appalling treatment my dad had in hospital (he died ten days after his last stay), I fought tooth and nail to keep my mum out. I wouldn’t wish a care for the elderly ward on my worst enemy.

Unfortunately while you continue to enable her to behave this way she isn’t going to stop doing it. Why would she - she’s getting the result she wants which is you running around after her.

I think sometimes elderly parents have difficulty in accepting the role reversal with their children and don't like to take advise even if it's for the best.
Slightly different situation but my elderly neighbour whose poor wife has done everything for him for the past 20 years got really upset with her when she decided to install a stair lift. He was very obstructive about it saying he hadn't agreed to it. The poor woman is at the end of her tether, she never gets a break and has to be with him 24 hours a day.

Does she have capacity? If not you can make decisions for her including if it's safe for her to live independently. If she does have capacity, will she listen to health care professional? Dp's dm didn't listen to him but would listen to the district nurse

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/how-to-cope-with-a-difficult-older/id1567190358?i=1000552542516 This is a really good podcast on this sort of thing

Stop. Just stop rescuing her from self-created crises. Practice saying you can’t help in front of the mirror, cos it feels impossible until you try.

I need to take my own advice here - doesn’t everyone in this situation?

I sympathise, but I fully understand why your mum is like that. I worked as a carer for 20+ years, and every one of the elderly people I went to used to say they wouldn't want to go to hospital if they were ill or fell over.

Last year, I was in the unfortunate position of being on a ventilator for 2 weeks, awoke to find that I couldn't move, speak or swallow (for about a week) as I'd had a stroke - caused by the hospital giving me the wrong medication and making my BP go to 350 top figure. They told me all this, in writing, and over the 'phone, once was at home (weeks later) and sent me a written report of the full investigation that had been done.

That, plus the incredibly poor level of care I received whilst in hospital for 6 weeks, means that I'm not terrified of ever having to go into hospital for anything. My family members are under strict instructions never to ring for an ambulance or let me be taken into hospital. I've got a DNR in place. I'm 63 but would rather die than ever be an in-patient again. Perhaps your mum has a similar fear.

Very common. As a Dustrict Nurse I saw this regularly. Many of the elderly led on trollies in A&E are there for this reason. In and out like a revolving door. Preventable.
It's hard to do but time to step back. Often only when family stop propping up the situation and let a crisis develops will things change.

OP how old is your mum?

How's her mental capacity? The fact that she'd rather lie on the floor all night than use the alarm strikes me as odd. Wouldn't it be you that got called if the alarm was activated anyway?

You have to withdraw help. It is the only way, sadly. Our society has insufficient help and advice for people in this situation and the state relies on relatives and neighbours to make a patch job of helping. I believe people in this situation should be prohibited from living alone. My fil would still be alive it he’d gone into care, rather than staying at home in a bad situation.

It’s such a common problem isn’t it? My Fil is the same, very obstructive when we try to do something pro active, then expects help when the crisis hits. He has full capacity and knows what he’s doing, he just doesn’t think about how it impacts other people. My dh is more more tolerant of this than I am, it literally makes me fume. I refuse to get involved, but I worry about Dh.