Mums poor decisions and impact on family

Scream here @AprilAlready!

I do my dad’s shopping online weekly. Could that work? I offered the same to my aunt, she refused, so I just left her to it with the phone number for Morrisons home delivery.

Your mum can get a painter in herself if she wants it done. Remember, it’s not your problem!

Hope you’re feeling better

@AprilAlready you have my sympathy. My Father is like this, as was my mother (who did die after a fall,when they’d both refused help). And my aunt. I’ve left my aunt to it as she was too unpleasant.

I’ve also stopped trying to persuade my father of anything. Really backed off. He’s an adult with capacity and if he chooses a miserable existence then it’s sad, but entirely his choice. I do help when asked to with calls to services, but have stopped facilitating all the drama.

I would definitely not take days off work @AprilAlready. I’ve set boundaries in place where I can’t help if I have work or if my children need me, etc.

Well this elderly group chat is a revelation. I have been struggling with all of these things @AprilAlready
Just back from hol and rang on day coming back ‘Are you back yet?’ Not a hello. Not a ‘did you have fun’. I feel sick about it all. My job is so important but I’m not sure I can take on further responsibilities if I go for a promotion because of it all really. But I need to as partner’s job unreliable.

Btw @Blossomtoes is right. If I don’t do my best, I’ll feel guilt when she goes, plus relatives already getting involved making me feel bad. But that is low confidence in myself. The whole situation is just awful so I feel for you OP. And we have all the help @Blossomtoes outlined because I’ve organised it all. It still isn’t enough. I’m thinking nursing home next stop. But how do you even begin to go there by yourself with no other family support? The relationship is being ruined as it is. Whether you’re run ragged or not, the whole thing is enough to make you depressed. Plus on top of that, my elderly mum is making terrible choices re her diet (diabetic) so she is constantly in hospital.

I have to agree with your last but one sentence. But maybe cut the sanctimony about what you did.

@AndSoFinally Very interesting about frontal lobe, thanks for that

I also find very elderly women simply don’t appreciate the world of work because they don’t have much experience with it, or they’ve been retired so long they’ve forgotten how you can’t just drop everything at a moments notice. The world of work has changed hugely in-the last 20 years too. Especially at the lower end.

I believe people in this situation should be prohibited from living alone “People in this situation” may well be you in 30 years time.

Well bully for you Blossomtoes, ain't you the saint.

My mum now lives in a ground floor sheltered flat
With lifeline emergency pull cords in each room
She has wrapped the cords round each unit tightly
"What do I need those for?? I'll just phone you!..." 🙄🤷‍♀️

My Dad is 82, and turning into a monster of epic proportions.

You have my absolute sympathy OP. What I want to do is scream and shout and stamp my feet, but instead I just carry on enabling his behaviour.

I used to work in care and thought people were truly awful for neglecting relatives..... now I understand why.

While she can rely on you to pick up the pieces, she doesn't have to take any responsibility. She sees you as her safety net. Hard though it is, you have to withdraw a bit and not constantly change your life/work/plans to be available to her, when she's made another bad decision.

It would be much better if people put a bit of planning in to their old age and moved into suitable accommodation before it became an urgent need, and spent some of their precious cash on home help

Mine did that. I also planned and ensured I was living close enough to help them when they were frail. No stairs, a cleaner and carers four times a day still wasn’t enough.

No luck was involved.

Of course it is Blossom. Because your ‘alternative view’ is something that isn’t achievable for the majority of adults. Well, not without quitting their jobs, having to uproot their families and move halfway across the country or similar. If an elderly relative expects you to do that, they’re the unreasonable one. It would be much better if people put a bit of planning in to their old age and moved into suitable accommodation before it became an urgent need, and spent some of their precious cash on home help.

[quote Organictangerine]@Blossomtoes well, lucky you being in a position to slot your life in around elderly relatives. Some of us aren’t in a position to do this 🤷🏼‍♀️ so stop with the guilt tripping.[/quote]
Oh do give over. An alternative view isn’t guilt tripping. You have no idea whether I was lucky or what sacrifices I might have made to do what I considered to be the right thing.

@Blossomtoes well, lucky you being in a position to slot your life in around elderly relatives. Some of us aren’t in a position to do this 🤷🏼‍♀️ so stop with the guilt tripping.

I can’t add much here, beyond saying I recognise so much of what you say. My parent is frequently complaining about various ailments, but won’t approach the GP for help and turned down a hospital appointment when it was eventually offered for one long-standing problem. I am trying very hard to step back and to point out that I am not a substitute for the GP.

Very interesting point above about the frontal lobe …

It's very hard, OP.

As we get older our frontal lobes become less functional. These frontal lobes are our "executive function" lobes. We need them to do higher cognitive tasks such as predicting the likely outcomes of our behaviour (so we don't realise the possible results of not using a stick), new learning (so we can't remember to wear a falls monitor), empathy (so we don't realise the impact of our behaviour on others), as well as other things.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it is a well recognised behavioural change as a result of an aging brain. It's not deliberate. Doesn't make it any easier to cope with, though.

Over thirty years of nursing in primary and secondary care gives you a pretty good overview.

cptartapp Oh well, you're obviously far more knowledgeable than I am......

The right thing is the nice thing - long term. It’s in no one’s best interests to become a horror.

You mum needs to feel the consequences of her actions, if you keep on saving the day then she has no real motivation to change. It must be nice to imagine you have unlimited annual leave to spend on her and her “emergencies” but that’s sadly not the reality