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Elderly parents
Original poster

Memory clinic fall-out

55 replies

barkingmac · 25/03/2022 22:21

I recently attended a memory clinic with my mum, who is in her mid-70s and has been showing signs of memory loss and confusion for a couple of years now. We were unable to complete the appointment, partly because the doctor we were due to see was off work with Covid, and partly because my mum became very distressed during the assessment (she is adamant that there is nothing wrong with her) and insisted on leaving before the end. Before we left, I was told that the clinic would send a letter to my mum's GP to update them on the appointment and was asked whether I thought it would be a good idea for a copy of the letter to be sent to my mum. I said that, if possible, it would be best not to send it directly to her and (I thought) it was agreed that the letter would be sent to me instead so that I could prepare her before she saw it. Unfortunately, she received the letter through the post today. It describes all of the concerns I discussed with the clinic during the appointment as well as the results of the tests she did complete.

Understandably, she is now extremely upset and angry with me and feels that I have betrayed her. She no longer wants to talk to me or see me. We are supposed to return to the clinic shortly to see the doctor we should have seen last time, but she says there is no way she is going back there.

What can I do? We don't have a diagnosis, I don't know how to access any support and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 26/03/2022 05:47

We only got mum to her appointment as she was determined to prove everyone wrong about her failing memory.

SandAndSea · 25/03/2022 23:59

Someone above mentioned a meal delivery service... I would look into Meals on Wheels. If she qualifies, it would be someone going in daily to check she's OK, as well as providing her with a cooked meal.

KitchenDancefloor · 25/03/2022 23:53

Hi, didn't want to read and run but I sympathise with what you are going through.

My mum was very reluctant to go to a memory clinic but we did get as far as a 'mixed dementia' diagnosis. But we weren't allowed to talk about it directly to her as it made her very upset.

You might be in the same position for the long haul if she is in denial. So you may need to think of ways to charm and cajole her into doing what's needed.

Please look into sorting your mum out with a power of attorney while she is still able to consent. Sorry if that is hard to read.

I'm sure she'll want to speak to you again soon.

HeddaGarbled · 25/03/2022 23:17

You don’t need a diagnosis to access care. For care, you request a Care Assessment from Social Services at her local council.

Support and advice is available from Age U.K. and alzheimers.org.uk, and again, you don’t need a diagnosis to access their helplines, websites etc.

The problem you have is that if she’s in denial about her difficulties, she’s probably not going to accept any external help at the moment, especially if she’s currently not talking to you.

Give her time. Things will probably need to get worse for her before she admits to needing some help.

In the meantime, do your research.

Cleaner, meal delivery service (e.g. Wiltshire Farm Foods) and emergency alarm call system are often the first steps towards getting some help into the house - less intrusive than daily carers initially for someone who’s trying to cling on to their independence and privacy.

AnnaBlush · 25/03/2022 22:57

Didn’t want to read and run. Can you explain that part of the assessment is family input and you had to partake ( as Consultant/ dr/ anyone said this would help get your mum right help/ support/ medication)
Then say you were asked very direct questions and could not lie

Ultimately she is equally upset at content than you ‘betraying her’
And if she lacks insight there is no way round it. All you can do is acknowledge she is hurt

I know getting help from GP’s is like searching for gold- but could they explain how process works and maybe reassure her re content/ emphasis on looking help for her.

Re taking her back- when will that be? Could it take place in different clinic?
Perhaps the gap in time will soften her feelings

Re getting help can you ask GP to refer Maud for social services as your mum is vulerable adult and care may be needed ( that’s assuming carers will be needed)

Perhaps Admiral dementia hotline? Although I know it is pre diagnosis

Take care

Good luck