Mum really dragging me down.

@schnubbins It occurred to me recently that mine doesn't have a good word to say about anyone - everyone and everything is wrong . Mine has so much anger mixed in with this negativity, she's constantly spoiling for a row when there isn't one to be had, I'm usually agreeing with her 'oh I know, I know, you're right, I know'. One of yesterday's moans was that her bank want to introduce a monthly charge which can easily be revoked if she reverts to her original account with the same bank. When I phoned this morning, she started up the same tirade. When I reminded her that a 'quick phone call will fix it', she said 'oh I've got until August to do that', and this is what she wants, 5 full months of complaining, it's ridiculous and so exhausting.

I have very much the same thing going on with my mum .She lives in another country to me but i go home regularly and we are on the phone often .My dad is still alive but very frail .what i am not coping with is all the negativity .Since Covid a lot of what she used to do has stopped and quite a few of her friends and aquaintances have died .When we chat I have this feeling that it always turns into a bitching session about her friends , the neighbours , members of extended family .It's like she wants everyone to be miserable with her .Inside I am screaming 'stop , stop , stop! .Im planning a trip soon and dreading it as I know it will be hours and hours of complaining and moaning.

OP, I do feel for you as I've found it impossible to get my DM to join anything, she's in good health for her age and I've said I'll take her but everything is met with excuses or flat refusal. @Lorzest sums up exactly how I feel, having done all the other drudge work, I simply don't have the energy. I've realised that what she really wants is to moan, not find a solution but it is so draining.

I feel for you as I too have given up trying to get my parent out to groups. Flat out refusal. I think it’s mourning for the old days; old days viewed with rose tinted spectacles. Anything else is second best. It’s extremely wearing especially if you are ground down by other practical support that is needed. I feel that after being housekeeper, medic, personal shopper, secretary, banker, gardener and general dogsbody, I’m too worn out to be best chum and counsellor too.

I salute you! I find visiting my Mum excruciating and have cut down visits to once a week for my own sanity, though I do call each day.

It got to the point that she was 'bored and lonely' no matter what, yet won't engage with others in her sheltered accommodation because "old people are boring"

Mentally don your comment proof cape before you go in. Understand it’s her condition talking and not “her” and certainly not because of you. Turn on music, sing, talk over her a bit. Be neutral and say “that sounds very hard” or “that’s a shame” and then distract and change the subject. Treat yourself kindly and reward your visits with a treat after like a Costa or a chocolate bar or something as it’s bloody hard. Chin up ❤️

I just wanted to say that I think you are doing amazingly going every day. Just because you are gritting your teeth over it doesn't change just how much work that is.

Can you take any jobs over to do while you're there? Some knitting you keep at her house even?? Then at least you have the satisfaction of some progress on the jumper/tapestry each time, and there's something else to talk about.

In a lot of cases it's actually much more appropriate for a non family member to be the carer.

If financially possible it can be a benefit when it comes to dementia care.
Parents can react differently to children who they raised than they do to strangers. Not having the close personal relationship professional carers dont have the same emotional reaction and can be more clinical in evaluating their reaction.

Imtoooldforallthis
Iam definately not a natural carer,
YOU are still there, still doing what you can, still worrying. Give yourself some credit for that. 🌻

I go planning to do all sorts with her, but within 10 minutes I'm pulling my hair out.

For the next few days reduce your planning of interactions to a cuppa and hello. If you aim high every setback is a stick to beat yourself (dont do that🙁 acknowledge that DM has it covered and is older & better at it than you😯). Aim as low as possible anything over an above is a win.

She gets attendance allowance but refuses to spend it.
Has DM still got legal capacity?
Do you have siblings?

If DM has capacity she should (needs to) put the legal framework in place for you or another family member to be given the legal authority to act if and when she looses legal capacity.
Along side that establish if her GP and other HCP will discuss her care openly with you (family). If DM has capacity she can give permission.
Dito for her care package. If you can agree to have a carer appointed begin by scheduling the carer to start work while you are in the house. You are "introducing" them while being a buffer as DM is getting use to having a strange in her house.

Independant of that you and your siblings need to come to discuss how you all see her care progressing its better if an agreement in principle can be reached. Ask her GP for referral to a medical social worker who would be able to outline what options are available locally from in homecare to residential care. However if you are the main caregiver you get to draw your boundries around what you can and cant cope with.

I'm hoping when our local social services call me there will be some help to give her.
Local care can be stretched to the limit so you need to set your boundries and consider if DM may be happier to staying at home complaining about not going out rather than actually go out or do stuff.

Have you heard of The Silver Line? I’ve had some great feedback about that service.

Effro in South Wales is excellent too. Very person centred.

Your Mum may not remember what she’s been up to but it might help you if you know that she has a bit more variety and structure to her days and weeks.

There definitely will be things in your area that would be suitable. It’s not all day centres and organised activities. Services can often be hard to find out about, especially the smaller ones. Hopefully whoever contacts you from social services will be really up to date on what’s available locally for you.

Are you willing to say where you’re located @Imtoooldforallthis?

Services vary a lot but we might be able to come up with some appropriate ones in your area between us.

She has no life at the moment from the sounds of it- some homes will have gardens. Some homes have gardens but not usually ones you can tend yourself, or even that you can go into when you want without a carer taking you”

You are doing your absolute best. I have experience of three, each refusing to get care in. It is so frustrating.

It sounds like there are quite a few steps that can be added before a care home would be necessary.

OP, sometime you just need to impose things on your DM and see if she can tolerate them. Can be a battle but they may work. As others have suggested you need to bring in other people. Do you have a local Driving Miss Daisy service? Can you pay a student to come and sit with her for a couple of hours a week but not let her know they are being paid? Can you pay for Alzheimer's charity visitors to come on a different afternoon? Is there a gardening society in her area that you could call and ask if they share seedling etc and see if they will visit?
The garden sounds like a very positive activity.

Have you tried for attendance allowance which is non means tested which might help fund these suggestions?

She has no life at the moment from the sounds of it- some homes will have gardens.

Loneliness is awful- I’m not surprised she is moaning. What else is she supposed to do? She is vulnerable being elderly with dementia- it’s too much to ask her to attend new clubs without support. A specialist home would be able to support her and she may find friendships there.

Maybe she is depressed it can get overlooked bec of the Alzheimer's, would she see her GP?

Think she could do with going to a memory club or lunch club once a week or something

Mine are not at this stage yet but I sympathise as I would find it a grind to go every single day, can you break up the monotony and get into a routine of doing different tasks together at her house on different days or going for a coffee instead once or twice a week or something?

She needs to go into a home and then at least she will have regular company. Is this an option?

OP, you know yourself that you are on shifting sand.
Two obvious things come to mind.

Your DM's condition has plateaued and taken the next step downhill.
Your brain is grieving the 'golden' mum you used to have and realising that you are being short changed with this older- more frail, more Alzheimer's version.

It's rubbish. There's nothing really to do other than change the way you respond as you know the progression is downwards.
Definitely bring in extra help ASAP as others have suggested.

Canadian expert, Teepa Snow is good at explaining it ...

I would have a final push at getting her to make some positive changes, and if that doesn't work (which it probably won't) then I would visit less. I'm not saying to cut her out, but reduce the number of visits. Lie and say you have a new regular commitment if you feel you need to. Include her in family celebrations. Invite her to do nice things.

Children don't automatically become qualified and capable carers once their parents become old and in need of care. I think we put far too much pressure on ourselves about this. Yes, she's your mother and you love her and want to be there for her, of course, but that doesn't mean you should become her carer. Being a carer requires certain training and qualifications. In a lot of cases it's actually much more appropriate for a non family member to be the carer.

It sounds like it's time to start thinking about carers, or at least some regular services, such as a cleaner. That person does not need to be you. You just focus on being her daughter.

It helped me cope when I thought back to what mum was doing at my age. They were never in the house, day trips, cheap last minute six week holidays, mystery coach tours. No child care, no elder care, just doing whatever they fancied each day. Mum and dad had their fun times so why shouldn't I have mine?

You are not responsible for her happiness, you're not responsible for other family members, whether they call or not is nothing to do with you. I was visiting seven days a week for the last two years and it really is hard. I would suggest, at the very minimum, that you arrange someone else to go in one day a week so you get a day to yourself. Carer burnout is a real thing and this is a marathon not a sprint.

I'd echo what an earlier poster said about the brain being on a fixed loop. We'd go to a garden centre, have lunch out, potter in the garden, go to the library, have hospital appointments, go clothes shopping but a few days later it would be "I never go anywhere, I never do anything". That was how she saw her life, whatever she did she'd forgotten by the next day so all she remembered was what she saw right now - for her she never did go anywhere or do anything unless she was doing it at that moment.