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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mother

36 replies

Sandwichmum46 · 17/03/2022 16:00

Have had a bad relationship with my mother all my life and am now in my mid 50s. I live very close by and my younger brother lives 200 miles away. He and my mother are very close and she has always favoured him. As my mother gets older I am becoming really concerned that the expectation is that I will be her carer as I live so near. This fact alone makes me look like a really bad person but the relationship we have is the reason for my feeling this way. It would take a long time to go into the reasons and I realise what a taboo subject it can be admitting this. I am not just a selfish person looking to dodge my responsibilities. I have brought up 4 children, the youngest is 16. As to the practicalities I live in a rented home with no spare room and have 3 of my children still living with me. I also work full time and will need to continue that as I am divorced. How do I have a conversation with my brother where I tell him all this and make it clear I will not be taking responsibility for her care as she gets older. I don’t want to fall out with him but he has started making some assumptions on this which I need to put him clear on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sandwichmum46 · 17/03/2022 17:02

Yes I’m inclined not to be part of the POA as would be worried I’d be taking on all the responsibilities. Is that the general consensus amongst mumsnet?

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 17/03/2022 16:57
  • do no care
SparklingLime · 17/03/2022 16:56

Given how you’ve described her behaviour to you, I would suggest you taken no responsibility and so no care for her. Your DB can organise things from a distance, or help her to move closer to him. I say that as someone who did loads of care for both parents. You definitely don’t want to have PoA, your DB can hold that.

Original poster
Sandwichmum46 · 17/03/2022 16:39

Thank you, yes when I read it back I thought it might be a good starting point for the discussion with him 🙂. Practically I know that as I am geographically closer the burden will fall on me. I don’t like spending any time whatsoever with her as she can be so nasty. You never know how she is going to be and I feel so anxious in her company as a result. She can be nice as pie but when my brother is here too she is utterly vile to me, I can’t believe she doesn’t see her own behaviour 🙄🤣. I mentioned POA with him a few months ago and he said that he and mum had already had a discussion on it which I didn’t know about. I don’t think I actually want to be involved in it if they haven’t even included me in the conversation. I don’t want to just come out with “there is no way I am becoming her carer” but I want them both to be clear that it will not be happening. I have thought about saying something along the lines of due to our relationship I don’t think I am the person she would want around her but I suspect he will reply that I am the only person around her has he is 200 miles away. I feel resentful as well as I think the burden always seems to fall on the daughter. If I had a good relationship with her it would be one thing but to know how she feels about me and still feel guilty is horrible

OP posts:
thesandwich · 17/03/2022 16:28

Worth having a discussion with him and also consider power of attorney …. The wisdom of this board over many years is to avoid being a carer but remain a daughter/ son-

Facilitate but not do. Equip yourself with info re services available etc.
would she qualify for attendance allowance? That is non means tested and could fund some help ie cleaner. Get assistance 8n earlie rather than later.

SparklingLime · 17/03/2022 16:22

You can say pretty much what you’ve said here. Perhaps in writing so it’s utterly clear.

BobblyBlueJumper · 17/03/2022 16:20

Other people's expectations about how you should live your life are not your problem.

What's the phrase - those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind....

Sunnyday321 · 17/03/2022 16:19

Suggest to him if he is concerned about her welfare , needing care from family members etc then he can move closer or she can move to be closer to him.

Fairyarmpits · 17/03/2022 16:16

It's not up for negotiation. You don't have room for her. You work full time and need that to protect your own retirement.

If she needs care then you can choose somewhere together. You will visit her on a schedule that is convenient to you.

I think moving elderly parents in is a dreadful idea. Don't be guilted into it if that's not what you want.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 16:03

*about how he feels

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 16:03

I wouldn't mince words and I would delay in saying what you need to say. I definitely wouldn't worry about he feels about it. He doesn't live your life, you do. Time to put firm boundaries in place, right now, before issues with your mother start arising.