Elderly mother

@Sandwichmum46 how’s it going? Just popped on to say that you don’t owe your mother anything. When you needed her she provided no help either financially or emotionally. I’m afraid you reap what you sow. Having just been in your position it will not get better. Do you actually like your brother? If you are honest, what do you get out of your relationship with him? IME trying to avoid conflict is unachievable given the opaqueness of the POA arrangement you describe. My sibling got POA (by dubious means) over my mother and has helped themselves to significant amounts of money from what was a joint account. DF had dementia. Then they fucked off and took a job 200 miles away. I’m guessing the expectation was I’d do the donkey work, Bank roll everything whilst they enjoyed a care free life which involves no children or pets whilst I have both. Err no. I learned from mumsnet this phrase ‘a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part’ I used it once having had the ‘quick, she’s run out of x,y,z’ call. it got the message through loud and clear. I repeat consistently to any agency, hospital, Gp, district nurse etc, ‘sorry, you need to phone my sibling as they have POA’ I think they now realise that having POA isn’t about unfettered access to the £ and the ‘big’ decisions only. Stand firm, visit only on your terms (or don’t, no judgment here). I know how you feel because of the obligation your mother has created. You cannot reason with her so don’t try. for you and put yourself first..

I would explain to your brother it’s probably best all round considering your relationship that you are not involved with anyone to do with your mother such as care, POA etc and since he has such a good relationship with her your sure your mother would feel better having him to help.

If he becomes angry or argumentative just draw back further. They cannot force you to do or be involved in anything

[quote Sandwichmum46]@PeacefulPrune I think because it will just provoke conflict. I want him to come to the realisation, based on the facts I give him, that it’s not going to happen.[/quote]
I think you need to be prepared for push back and for them to treat you badly. They’ve been doing so for a long time so it won’t stop now.

Be direct and clear. If he is angry with you suggest he move your mum close to him so he can care for her.

Exactly the same with my mum. No discharge planning that she or family were involved in. We found a care home place on a temporary basis so she can recover more and it gives us the chance to work out what other support she's going to need.

After reading your responses, I think @ELCismyspiritnana makes a very good suggestion that might be a better ‘fit’ for you. Your golden DB and your DM can future proof arrangements whatever way they like. They can be their own tag-team when things worsen. It sounds like your DB doesn’t treat you as an equal and only hears what suits his own narrative.
Find huge amounts of confidence and strength OP that you are calling out this problem now and reaching a solution in your own head. Knowing exactly how you will respond to him when the time comes means you won’t be caught off guard. All power to you.

I would just not mention it at all. If there comes a time when it’s brought up as an assumption, then just look baffled and say something like “why would you think I would be doing that? No, I’m sorry but that is absolutely not happening. You and mum will need to sort this between you, as you have for POA etc. I simply don’t have the type of relationship with mum that would make this in any way viable, even if my lifestyle was set up to accommodate it, which as you know, it isn’t”. Any comebacks should be responded to with sympathy for the situation and platitudes “yes, I know it’s not an easy situation” “yes I can see it’s difficult” etc. just use his own tactic against him. He assumes you will do it, you know you will not and assume he knows this.

It sounds a difficult situation.

Aa above, I think you just need to be clear.

If your brother feels your mother needs to have a carer close by, your mum will need to move near him.
Otherwise, he can organise care for her from a distance.

@Sandwichmum46 sometimes to get what we want/need we have to come to terms with the fact other people won't be happy with us but that's alright. Their wants/needs don't trump ours and we're not selfish to want to be happy. I suspect that whatever way your brother realises you aren't going to play ball in the way he imagined he is going to be very annoyed. However, don't capitulate, life is short, don't waste it caring for a woman who's been so unkind to you. As the Mumsnet chorus famously says: 'No is a full sentence.'

I don’t want to just come out with “there is no way I am becoming her carer”

Why though?

You have every right to say it how it is. You don't need to water it down or justify yourself.

Agree with others. Put it back on your brother. Any time he says mum needs/wants/something needs doing you answer - you need to do something about it. It's nothing to do with me. You & mum sorted PoA. You need to deal with it.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.

You reap what you sow. On no account take all this on and make it very plain to your brother you have no intention of doing so. I'm going to be honest here, your brother will likely get very annoyed that you are not falling into the role he has allotted you. Be prepared to stand your ground. In fact, I would take great umbrage at the fact they have sorted out the POA without any reference to you and I would use it as an excuse not to get involved in anything to do with your mother's care in the future. For example:

Brother: 'Mum is getting older you know. She needs help with X, Y, Z.
You: She made it very clear what she thinks of me when she didn't even consult me over the POA so you will have to sort out her care arrangements with her like you sorted out the POA.
Brother: But you live nearby, I'm miles away.
You: You need to sort out a way of making it work, I'm not going to be her default carer.

I hear you, i too have a difficult relationship with my mother. She is hypercritical and vile. I used to phone weekly and it would take me a week to recover from her put downs and digs. I got so weary of her self centredness during the pandemic that i now no longer do the duty phonecall im just not putting myself through it. I do have sleepless nights about her demands if she is widowed, they are 82 and 83 so not unreasonable but also she is fit as a fiddke so coukd live till late 90s. Their house is crumbling, no central heating by choice and she doesnt drive. I live 5 hrs away and I have 2 sisters the eldest has poa and visits annually, i dont. I remind myself of the shite, horrible mother she was and is and no way am I caring for her in her dotage. It sounds like your mother is quite blatant in her preference of your brither, please dont sleepwalk into the caring role. Neighbours and rekatives may gossip about how uncaring you and I are but please prioritise yourself and your needs. She doesnt deserve you x

Go low contact and warn your brother you are not doing care. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.

I know how you feel. In a similar situation. You need to make it really clear to your brother that you don’t intend to be saddled with this and don’t feel guilty.

I would avoid POA in these circs too honestly

Yes, absolutely stay out of it.

If you're contacted by the hospital/GP/social services be firm and continue to repeat to them "I am not able to provide care". Repeat it over and over. You are not obligated to provide a further explanation.

Does your brother know how your mother treats you? If so surely he won’t be surprised how you feel?

Just say to him, mum and I don't get on, and I'm extremely busy with my full time job and family so I can't become her carer and I can't give up my job.