Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@exexpat I feel your pain, I'm only here for a bijou rant-ette on the matter of flat clearances.

I've stood back from clearing mother's on grounds that the belongings she wants to keep in there are minimal and the rest is just hoarded sh*te - old magazines, broken toys, a dead microwave etc. (Not to mention the mattress soaked in bodily fluids.) I've told her and the nursing home that she needs to get someone in to do a house clearance, that I'm happy to go in with that person and direct them as to what's to be cleared out.
Guess what - she's got to have the place cleared by Monday and she's done NOTHING.
Oh wait no, she's contacted her old next door neighbour from forty years back, who now lives almost four hour's drive away, and they've come down and driven her over to the flat ... and she's collected some random bits of tat.

As the young people say, I am FUMING. I'm tempted to just go "meh" and leave the letting agent to get a skip and charge her for it. The only two things stopping me are that she has cupboards full of food which could be donated to a food bank and someone get the use of - and they're all perfectly good tins and packets as I went through her cupboards at the beginning of the year throwing out the out of date stuff - and things like family photos and musical instruments shouldn't just go to the dump.

So between a rock and a hard place, here :-(

Sigh... Got called a deceitful b for asking my dad to sign a consent form so that I can speak to their housing association about outstanding repairs.. apparently this indicates we are ALL trying to put them in a home.... 2 minutes later no acknowledgement at all that she'd screamed in my face and called me names.. all professionals still calling this 'normal'

@countrygirl99 thinking of your FIL and hope he's comfortable. So sad for you and DS2, having to miss his DF's funeral and now all this. Life is cruel .

@exexpat oh dear, having to clear the flat again after making all those arrangements is really not what you need Xx

DM has not mentioned the house buying since dropping her bombshell last Thursday and neither have I. It is the enormous elephant in the room. The more I think about it now I feel calmer is just how sad I feel about her deceiving me like this, and what it really says about how she values me, she literally doesn't care. She thinks she can do exactly what she wants and everyone will leap into action to cheerfully assist 🙄.

FIL has indicated he doesn't want further treatment so they are making him comfortable and waiting for nature to take it's course. I can't blame him he has been in constant pain with daily vomiting. He has such a long list of issues they just can't balance them now. At least we got MIL into a nice nursing home and she has settled in well. I feel sorry for DS2 who lives abroad and is coming over next month for a wedding. He didn't get to dad's funeral due to travel restrictions.

Also to Countrygirl and Marylou, going through difficult times with people in hospital. How are your DF and SIL doing?

Well, so much for our grand hopes of DM enjoying the final phase of her life in a lovely sheltered housing block. I have just given notice on her flat, which we have been paying for for six months, but she spent less than a month there and has otherwise been in hospital and nursing home. She is now bed-bound and catheterised, and we have had to admit there is no way she will ever be able to go back to the flat.

And we really can't carry on paying for nursing home plus sheltered flat plus all the running costs of the original family house, which is waiting for me to finish DF's probate and a massive clear-out of stuff before it can be sold.

So now I have to move everything back out of the flat again - charity collection for some of it, I hope, but the nicer bits will go back to the family home and be consigned to auction with all the other antiques.

It's not covid after all. He is testing negative now. It's sepsis so not much better.

FIL is face in hospital. He was discharged Wednesday evening with covid that he had picked up in hospital. Carers found him.on the floor, incoherent and evidently there for some time. It's the covid. We have been advised to visit this evening.

@Marylou62 my dad attaches the bag to his calf, the district nurse/company that supplies the catheter stuff can deliver a longer tube and a bag with a strap for this purpose, definitely ask for this as the soreness is horrible and they don't need to be dealing with it

I've caught up finally and sorry for anyone who's had yet more crises.
It's been all quiet here recently with parents..Mum is still in temporary CH. still packed as she thinks she'll be coming 'home'. Dad is managing his catheter but insists he wants the bag attached to his calf but the tube isn't long enough and should be on his thigh..But no...calf it is and then he gets my DB to visit as he's sore.
But devastatingly my SIL had a brain hemorrhage on Friday on the way to visit my DM, and is in hospital very poorly.. Please God give my family a break..
Sending gin to you all and a proper Cornish cream tea too!

Fantasea, you have my every sympathy. My dad moved closer to us, albeit still a 10minute walk. But I'm an only child and seeing my friends deal with the machinations of golden siblings I am glad for that at least, as I had a bit of a say in what properties he considered. However he is very manipulative and likes to make himself look big by making others (usually me) appear small. I get the cantankerous soandso but to everyone else he's all hail fellow well met. Anyway, what helped me was being candid about how hard I found him with my friends and neighbours before he moved in. I realised that they had already got to know the real me over time and their opinion of me wouldn't change on his say so. So if he does bump into them or is at our house when they drop in they know to basically "smile & nod".
Be firm with your boundaries and compartmentalise a lot.

@Fantasea presumably it makes no sense for her to move to a terraced house if she is future proofing - other than to have you at her beck and call? Is there scope for downstairs bathroom and bedroom? Not all the terraces in street where I live have downstairs wc. Also would she have access problems - stairs at front and back etc? Could you look on Zoopla and show her a bungalow which would work better? I know she wants proximity but if you make it all about her rather than about you she might reconsider?

Thank you for all your support ladies .

@MintyCedricRidesAgain it has made me think about moving but I'm not really well enough, plus we like it here 😥but it would serve her jolly well right, she moves in and then the next day a 'For Sale' board goes up 😂. 'Oh well soooorrreee'. Until last year, mum lived in a massive house in a private road and had her neighbours 'falling over themselves to help her', meaning one nice lady opposite got her shopping all over lockdown and 'wouldn't take a penny for it' and mum allowed this, she is such an embarrassment, I'm cringing typing this, she's absolutely loaded! Great news you have your best mate moved in plus starting a new freelance job this week, huge congratulations! Maybe the reason your DM looks 20 years younger is that she's been so well looked after?

@countrygirl99 sadly I can't drink due to my tablets but on receiving this news, I could have done with a whole bottle! What is it about the major parent crisis just before you can finally go away and do something for yourself? Then there's the 'planned crises' too - I remember exMIL always 'feeling unwell' at family gatherings when it was someone else's birthday or special occasion, she was fine for her things. My mum dropped her moving bombshell on Thursday as she knows we had arranged to collect our puppy today, coincidence much?

@exexpat several thousand miles away sounds ideal!
@TheIoWfairy an hour away is where my golden sister lives and hasn't visited for nearly a year, perhaps this is the answer! Anything in walking distance is a disaster. For example, this Tuesday I genuinely felt unwell and had rung her that morning briefly to say I'd had to get myself an emergency GP appointment first thing. In the afternoon, I heard something come through the letterbox. It was a note from her:

'Dear Fanta and MiniFanta,
HELP [in huge letters underlined]
My computer is upside down!!! Can you help me? I've spent an hour trying to fix it and I can't do it. I didn't like to ring in case I woke you up'

She knew I was ill yet still needed HELP and didn't even say please! At least she didn't wake me up 🙄.

Obviously circumstances change and I'm facing the prospect of one of us moving a bit closer - but no way would I countenance anywhere within sight

I have so far found the ideal travelling distance to be about an hour - I can do an urgent visit at short notice but it's a bit too far for anyone to pay an unexpected visit in case I'm out!

The idea of my parents or in-laws moving that close to me brings me out in a cold sweat - I couldn't even cope with them round the corner, as you say your mother is already, @Fantasea. If they threatened to move a few doors away I would be putting my house on the market...

I was happiest living several thousand miles away; the five miles' distance from my parents was quite close enough for the past 15 years, and for most of that they were unable to get to/into my house due to their mobility issues.

OMG @Fantasea enough to drive you to drink!
Had lunch with a friend yesterday and DH returned a neighbours keys as we'd been feeding her cat while she was away. Turns out we all had the same story of a major parent crisis the day before going away. It's almost like they are doing it on purpose.

Oh @Fantasea that is horrendous. I actually felt a bit nauseous reading that so God knows how you feel.

Could you move? Not that you should have to, but if it became unbearable, is it an option? I'm trying to wrack my brains to think of ways you could mitigate her presence but...blimey...!

I live 3 streets away from my mum and it's plenty close enough...luckily my mum would never deign to move to a cul de sac full of terraces and crammed with cars 🙄 so I'm safe from any antics...although in different circumstances I wouldn't put it past her.

Not much to report here...I think I mentioned my job offer was recinded a few weeks ago as a result of the reference from my previous employer? I've now seen a copy and it was nowhere near as dreadful as the prospective employer implied but going to email and ask if we can agree an altered version going forward.

In the meantime my best mate has moved in as my lodger and I started working a regular freelance job this week, so life is changing quite rapidly atm!

Mum is behaving...relatively, although the usual niggles are still there. It was her birthday yesterday, she's 83 now and looks about 63.

At least she's given me good genes!

@TheIoWfairy you're right, there is one thing a lot worse than difficult neighbours! DD and I talked about moving, but this is our home, we like it here with our lovely neighbours, it's safe, quiet and we're settled. 'D'M moved to a flat around the corner from me (but thankfully out of view) last June with a view to 'helping' me as I'm having cancer treatment. She's been thoroughly dissatisfied with the flat (even though she no longer wanted the bother of a house) since she arrived and for about 4 months over Christmas was buying another property (out of view) on the main road. There were two covenants on this which were resolved and an issue over her being expected to maintain a patch of grass which amounted to £5 a week. It was a lovely house but of course it was one enormous shouty drama. She ranted and pointed at me for weeks on end whilst in these negotiations with the solicitor and agent and ultimately pulled out.

About 4 weeks ago, she went for a routine BP check, (I grassed her up to the nurse about her swollen legs as luckily I also needed a BP check for my review and deliberately got the appointment before hers) and she was put on diuretics for her seriously high BP. She was furious as she claims it wasn't that high at her previous appointment before Christmas (it must have been which was why she was recalled) and shouted at me all the way home and I have been convinced ever since that she hasn't been taking the tablets. Now I'm certain, she's much too 'busy' for all that nonsense as illness doesn't exist for her, she treats my cancer with the contempt of a cold at best. Her tablets would have run out yesterday and she's much too mean to get a taxi so would need me to take her back to the GP, yet of course hasn't as she doesn't need them...

@Knotaknitter I can completely relate to the distance removing the boundary. My road is also a short cul-de-sac and 'mum's' house is the non-junction end but I'm certain she'll find herself tending to her front garden most days so she can snoop on me and everyone else. Now I'm on maintenance chemo, I can lead a fairly normal life but easily tire and still have some mouth and digestive issues. I've kept this from mum, as far as she's concerned, I'm still very unwell and have patches of days/weeks, depending on her latest crisis, when I'm laid out on my bed so I'm feeling that this will be my situation around her move, oh dear... In fact, I'm currently 'in relapse mode' as I can't face speaking to her at the moment. Funny if my golden sister had to make the one hour drive (!), probably around the year anniversary of her last state visit, to help her pack and move!

I have a friend who helped her parents move up from down south to live on the same estate as her. It is easier for her than having them at the other end of the country and she thought it was an ideal location. It's worked really well for her except when it hasn't. She's on a cul de sac and her parents live near the junction. If she leaves the house in the car then questions are asked over where she is going, who she is seeing. The relocation removed the boundary that distance had provided and suddenly my friend was a child again with her mother trying to run her life for her.

@Fantasea If the move does go ahead can you not be on holiday? Wonder sister can continue with all that help she's been giving and come down and pack some boxes. 'oh well, soooorrreee' should be all you need to say.

Wow, @Fantasea , that is utterly awful of your Mum and sister. I’ve always thought that there’s nothing worse than difficult neighbours, but this really is worse! Is there any chance that you could move as well?

Genuinely, I would still post AIBU. Called out as a troll would be funny though 😄 but I think the outpouring of support would be helpful to you. It’s a horrendous over step that she’s made.

@Mum5net thank you, DD and I are also speechless, as is everyone else we've told! We're also hoping that it falls through, unlikely though as she's a cash buyer and the vendor wants exchange in a month omg. The thought of her spying on me plus ingratiating herself with my neighbours, whom I count as friends, just doesn't bear thinking about. I considered also posting in AIBU but already know the answer or I'd be accused of being a troll!

@Fantasea Hope your DM’s offer is bettered by someone else and sale falls through. Speechless on your behalf. I am so sorry.