Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@Fantasea I really think people have no idea.. the rage would be unbelievable..
I've had people express shock and disbelief that we now can't visit my parents alone..
I do understand their need to remain independent etc, but the latest comment from a well meaning professional that we really should get power of attorney sorted just made me laugh... Dad just looked at me and told me he didn't need it as mum would handle all of that sort of thing (as she repeated herself for the 20th time and then called me filthy names)

I feel sad when I hear about lovely, reasonable elderly relatives too. Unless you've got a difficult one, I don't think you can truly understand what it's like. I've been spared the car conversation as DM sold her car before she moved here a year ago. She will fly into a fist-thumping rage over minor issues so hiding the keys would be out of the question.

DM’s neighbour immobilised her car (he was her mechanic too). My DM is now in a care home with her dementia and is pretty vicious still

@Onewildandpreciouslife seems to be, I hear about lovely, biddable, understanding older folk... Friend suggested we hide my mum's car keys.. yeah right...

Slow car crash it is, then @Lightuptheroom

X

@Onewildandpreciouslife , bless you x we've also notified adult services twice... They did some kind of assessment, went to visit my parents, concluded all was fine (because my dad refuses to actually say what my mum is doing) Sent two police officers to their home after one incident.
I also organised an OT assessment, due to my dad's needs. They recommended a day centre and left some equipment - got dad to visit day centre, thought he understood that it was to give mum a breather (he's long term physically disabled) 2 days later he cancelled it and refuses to use any of the equipment.
We are literally banging our heads against a brick wall.

Sorry @Lightuptheroom - this sounds familiar. Would it be worth contacting adult social services with a concern about a vulnerable adult? It took a crisis to get any help with my DM, and this is the only thing with hindsight that I might have tried.

That is terrible, I'm so sorry. It must be so worrying for you. My father had dementia and lost his short-term memory and also became very aggressive with much swearing. It's awful to witness.

@Fantasea we have now written to the GP 3 times, including a safeguarding alert. We've effectively been ignored. The GP made an appointment for my mum, she made the choice to go alone, therefore we have no clue what was discussed. Mum doesn't even remember seeing the GP. After blood tests, one of the GP's rang her and said it was showing that she was type 2 diabetic and would need to make changes to her diet. She put the phone down after that call and told us that the GP could f off.
Mum was telling me tonight that she's hurt her wrist (she has advanced arthritis as well as what else might be going on) but won't be contacting the GP as there's no point.
Tonight in 10 minute phone call, she repeated herself word for word 5 times. She stated that she hasn't seen my sister 'for years' my sister visited on Saturday. All very worrying without the added aggression, swearing,shouting etc but the GP just doesn't want to know.

My DM is ploughing on with her move 4 doors down from me omg. She forwarded the electrical survey to me this week for my perusal and there are 26 faults, 14 of them highlighted as 'urgent remedial action required' the others less pressing. A few days later somehow, these have all become 'nothing serious at all' to her 🙄. She told me this morning (I hadn't asked) that the structural survey (that I had insisted on and was secretly pinning my hopes on) showed 'nothing serious', only ivy up one side which needs removing so it doesn't damage the brickwork, the entire decking is rotted, the fascias and woodwork needs urgent attention...I could go on. Her conclusion is that it was a 'total waste of money' so that's me told. She 'hasn't decided' what she is going to do about her current flat. She's proudly told me, many times before bombshell day, that flats in her block rent out for £900 a month so I know she has been considering becoming a landlord/lady for some time. This is the same person who can't read her own meters, work the Tesco website or make sure she has a firewall on the laptop she uses for internet banking. For the sake of my physical and mental health, together with my hurt over her deceit at not telling me of her intended house purchase, I'm working on stepping right back from all of this. I'm trying to model my responses on my golden sister's, much 'hmm', 'oh I know' and 'peace of mind' seems to fit most of her rants.

This is totally ridiculous. Could you write to the GP with your concerns? I have been worried about DM's health and rang Age UK to see if writing would have any effect. The advisor I spoke to said that it depends on the GP, some are 'brilliant' whilst others will just ignore your letter. It might be worth a try?

We had that palava with GPs with dad last year. When the GP finally saw him face to face (and then only after an extremely stiff letter from a hospital consultant expressing surprise that telephone consultations were considered adequate for a 94 yo, nearly blind, deaf man with heart and kidney failure among other things) she was surprised how much he had deteriorated in 6 months.

🙄
It's ridiculous with GPs atm.

Yes I was that at her first wedding.

I'm having nothing to do with it. I forsee much drama ahead, but I won't be involved :)

Contact with parents GP to try and get them to take notice that something is wrong... Informed that cannot speak to GP until 13th August unless we do an e consult... If we do an e consult then they will ring my (very deaf) dad and 'speak' to him as that is better than a face to face appointment!!!!!

In other lighter news...

My sister is getting married again (only 2.5 years on from leaving her abusive c%*t of an ex...)

Full white wedding for 100, 6 bridesmaids the lot...(Her 1st wedding was for 60 with 4 bridesmaids)

Yesterday I was added to a group WhatsApp titled "bridesmaids" with info about fittings next month...

Erm..what??

1. She hasn't asked me.
2. I'm 50 ffs.
3. The dresses will be pink. I LOATHE AND ABHOR PINK which she is well aware of. It really doesn't suit me either.

I mean..wtf?

I messaged her to enquire about the message and she wrote back:

"Obviously I want you as a bridesmaid I thought that would be obvious. I thought I'd asked you but evidently not (I've had a lot on) "

^ this is typical. The assumption that only she is busy.

I've told her I'd rather not - a 50 year old bridesmaid has a touch of the miss havishams about it imho 😬

She only wants me to run around like an idiot for her like I did for her 1st wedding!
NOPE

Ugh.

That message was the first since 1st week of April when I asked her and brother to help more with mum!

Ugh.

@Fantasea my mum's conversation starter at the moment is 'i haven't murdered him yet' ... Well, thats good then....

@Chevyimpala67 oh yes, I'm familiar with the brief visits which inevitably lead to regret, hardly through the door when the next drama is dropped at your feet. Often, I'll greet mine with a cheery 'hello Mum, how are you?' to which her reply is regularly 'FURIOUS' and off she goes on her latest rant, without even saying hello!

Mine went to view no 11, her 'new' house omg, again yesterday. She'd told me at the weekend that she wanted to 'check a few things' with the seller and her adult daughter. I've tried to impress upon her the need to wear a mask when inside in enclosed spaces as she needs to be mindful of Covid for herself and also, not passing it on to me with my chemo that I'm always making such a silly fuss about. We watched from the front window yesterday as she headed round, mask dangling from her hand like a doggie poo bag, then emerged 20 minutes later with it still in her hand 🙄.

@exexpat so sorry to hear your sad news, sending love Xxx

@exexpat sorry to hear of your loss but understand about the future looking good. We had stuff booked both days this weekend and it was such a relief knowing we were unlikely to get a call summoning us to help in an emergency.

Thank you all. I have known this day was coming for a long time, and the future looks pretty good right now.

I have a supportive long-distance DP, and some time next year plan to declutter, downsize and move to another city, where I will be within easier travelling distance to his place (deepest countryside). DC1 is grown up, graduated, and happy with job and partner; DC2 has had a troubled few years but seems to have turned a corner and may be flying the nest within a year. I have friends and interests and lots of things I haven't been able to do because of constantly waiting for the next phone call and hospital trip. Life goes on.

@exexpat Endings are always hard, even when you can see it coming. I hope that you have a new chapter coming where you can just focus on your own household.