Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@OhPleaseJustLast great news. It's such a relief when a burden like that gets lifted.

I’m a bit of a lurker here but find being on here really helpful, just knowing others are going through or have gone through the same or similar. So on that note I wanted to share some good news I got today, to give those working their way through the social services funding maze some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Following a fall a few months ago my df, who had recently moved to a home due to progressing dementia, had a massive brain bleed and although he survived, he returned to the home with significantly increased needs. They had to put 1:1 care in place, and so the home, guided strongly by our social worker, applied for 1:1 funding (FNC, I think? I’m still unclear on the terms). I’m told they make you go through the whole CHC funding process to get 1:1 now, so when I was told that we were successful, I assumed it was for the 1:1 fees only. But it turns out we’ve got full CHC funding, which means no more care fees at all!

I mean, at the end of the day, my dm’s money was almost gone anyway and we were mid financial assessment with social services. None of us cares about the money as such, but to have the whole topic just taken away is just such a massive relief. And to have the outcome of anything relating to social services admin be a pleasant surprise rather than the opposite is also refreshing!

DH and I have been really busy with sorting out FILs funeral and arranging clearing ILs bungalow etc but thus weekend has been full on social! Saturday was the wedding I made a fuss about mum not being invited to. Would have been about a 75 minute drive but we had to pick mum up from the opposite direction so was 3 hours🥱 each way. We were dreading the repetitive conversations but in the end mum's refusal to admit she needs to wear her hearing aid worked in our favour and she sat quietly in the back because she couldn't hear when we spoke to her. Behaved OK at the reception but did introduce herself to 2 people she has known for years and asked if they were bride or groom side. 1 of them is mother to her GGC!
Yesterday we were invited to DS1s partners family party. She is Chinese and it was proper Cantonese party food. 4 different duck dishes, lobster with crispy noodles (divine), shitake mushrooms with "hair" - a sort of algae, sticky prawns, 2 pork dishes, abalone, sea cucumber. I don't think I'll need to eat again for a week and we brought home loads of leftovers as well.

Finally getting a chance to catch up on this thread. This must have been a long and stressful journey for you exexpat but I am so glad to hear your optimistic plans for a future for yourself. I’m at a slightly earlier stage than you in that DM has been on end of life care for a while now, having declined in health a few months ago. I’d always imagined EOL was fairly precise, as a prediction, but apparently not. All I can say is how thankful I am she’s in her care home – it’s an aspect of care I hadn’t thought about before.

I’m gobsmacked by your DM’s move Fantasea, I can’t imagine how someone decides to do that. I hope you can indeed step right back.

The comments about GPs I really sympathise with, it is a crisis isn’t it.

Minty that sounds like a bit of a transformation with the Citalopram – I so hope they’ve hit on the magic formula.

When my mum saw a specialist and was finally properly medicated (large doses of an antipsychotic and antidepressants) things got a lot, lot better.

One of the few good memories of mum's final year was her saying that she thought she'd reached a point in her life where she was truely happy with no worries. I did wonder at the time whether that was related to the antidepressants the home thought she'd benefit from, when I had suggested them over the previous ten years I'd been dismissed.

MIL routinely asks if I can drop her off at her mum's on my way back. There's obviously lots of reasons why I can't, I usually say that I'm going straight to a friend's house and she'll be expecting me.

FWIW my Mum was put on a low dose of antidepressants for arthritis pain and it certainly mellowed her out. So I definitely recommend enquiring about this if someone is old and cranky (... putting it charitably!).

Thankyou Ithink...I remember when my DHs Mum died and him saying he knows I'll have to go through it one day. (30 years ago now..She had him at 42.my DM had me at 22) Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be so bad for them both at the same time.. But my Bestest friends Mum died when she was only 15 so I have thanked God every day for my Mum still being here..

I know that "look" and the disappointment when you have to say no - although we say "not today". My mum was in rehab for three months while her needs were assessed and they waited for a place in a home. It was very unsettling for her. She has been in the home now since October and is just beginning to settle.

Mum doesn't have a phone. With her cognitive decline, poor eyesight and loss of feeling in her finger tips she was struggling with the landline before she went into hospital, let alone a mobile, but she misses it so much.

I've missed my dad every day since he died nearly 10 years ago but I am glad I don't have to consider his feelings while navigating mum's needs. I really feel for you.

Sorry Exexpat. I didn't see this..SIL is making a good recovery but left with weakness and is having physio...
Thankyou for asking and I'm so sorry for your loss...x

Hi all.. It's been generally quiet for me but I know that my DB has been kept very busy. I've not had any emergency calls from my DF just calls asking my opinion on bringing DM home.. She asks all the time and he's lonely. Difficult conversation, trying to be tactful and gentle when all I want to do is rage 'No Dad..I know you are lonely and miss her but it would be incredibly selfish and she will be devastated when the inevitable happens and she has to return to the home. Everyone you ask has said the same!' (Should have written this all in CAPITOLS!! But you all know what it's like)

I visited her 2 weeks ago and she seems to know who I am..But she admitted to me around Christmas time that although she knew that 'The Man' (my Dad) cared for her she pretended to know him because she didn't want to hurt his feelings . So who knows? I keep having flashbacks of her sitting in her chair in the nursing home just staring until she sees us then jumps up thinking we've come to take her home..I'm crying now.. The look on her face will never leave me.

She's been in an assessment unit for the last 8 weeks..(we were told 4 weeks but on the bright side it's saved Dad £1000s. This is not a criticism. .She is safe and as we all know SS is on it's knees). I managed a phone conversation with her yesterday where she told me she had a new job! (she used to be a nurse and has quite often told me she helps the 'nurses' lay people out and give people their medication..all in a little girl voice ..) I cried after that call..in Sainsburys. (Can I just boast and tell you that she was one of the most qualified senior nurses in her area, Senior Sister, Modern Matron, Nurse prescriber , Chairman of many ethics committees.. I am devastated for her and myself but Alzheimers doesn't care)

Hopefully she'll be moving to a permanent home next week..They've told my Dad that he can come and have lunch with her...It's nearer too and he's hoping he can use his new mobility scooter which he bought for £3000 and has never used..Very bumpy track leading to a very busy fast road..and he's partially sighted. What could possibly go wrong?! (I tried to suggest a 2nd hand one but was told to keep out of it..only to be told last visit that 'did you know I could have bought the same 2nd hand for £150' !!?)

I've bent over backwards to try and be gentle in my replies to him..But every time I open my mouth I seem to annoy him..So the word/sound 'hmmm' is used a lot.

Oh.. and my DSIL organized a cleaner for my Dad a few hours a week..He told my DB that he hoped I wouldn't be upset! (as if I'd miss a 5hr journey to clean 2 urine/poo stained toilets!! My poor partially sighted father has prostate cancer and his previous bowel cancer have made him doubly incontinent..I willingly cleaned for him but I sure won't miss it!)

I have changed jobs too as I wasn't visiting as much as I would like..Mainly to give my DBs a break..I will now have Thurs and Fri off. Costs me £100 a journey in petrol but luckily we can afford it so far..(and on a happier note God willing I'll be able to care for my future grandchild. My DD is now 15weeks..We gave my DM a framed scan photo and she went around the CH showing everyone.) My present job I didn't have Fri/Mon off much and going up Saturday /home Sunday is a killer...

Thankyou for allowing me to vent..I have caught up with all your news and I'm so sorry for all of you in such difficult circumstances ..You lovely bunch of people make me realize that I'm not alone in this incredibly hard journey ..Nearly every word written I can relate to ..
Finally..That poem...One of the most beautiful things I've read..Thankyou..(even tho I've now got a headache from crying so much.) X

@countrygirl99 . That is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

@Fantasea the only plus for us is that my parents home is housing association, so I just repeat ad infinitum 'ring the housing association ' not that if works!!!
Spoke to Dementia UK nurse yesterday... We're doing all the right things, basically need to keep contacting her GP (so let's just wait for the crisis to hit in other words)
Thing is, we don't even know 'what' this is, only that her personality, language, outlook, just about everything, has changed over the last 8 months....

@countrygirl99 a beautiful reading Xx.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Pleased you had an undisturbed holiday. It's interesting about the Citalopram, I think mine would greatly benefit from some anti-depressants. She is so doctor avoidant and I'm certain hasn't been back for her review for her high BP and leg swelling (which looks appalling to me), that I can only dream of her being a nicer person. I have thought, particularly lately with her increasing angry outbursts that it would all be easier for me to manage her if only I liked her a bit more. How did you get your DM to go onto them?

@Lightuptheroom that all sounds just awful and rather too familiar to me. Mine isn't quite at the stage of flagging down random workmen but could easily go that way. She's had some serious concerns raised in her electrical survey on her new house which she told me she'd asked the seller's estate agent to confirm where 'all easy and cheap to put right' 🙄. When I suggested asking the electrician who did the survey about costs and also gently reminded her that the agent is not qualified to give this advice and in any case, is acting for the seller, she bit my head off as she's 'bought and sold 9 properties up and down the country' but in reality, my father must have done all that. It's like dealing with an obstinate child.

@countrygirl99 that is so lovely. Hay fever here too.🌺🌺🌺

@countrygirl99
How lovely x

@countrygirl99 that is really beautiful

@countrygirl99 Yes, it is dusty around here. That is lovely.

Now I am free and with the wind I get to walk the borders of time.
I am the glitter of the stars, the flight of the clouds, the tender drop of the morning dew.
I am not gone, I come back to you in every rising morning.
And in every darkening evening I wish you goodnight.

Finnish grammar is 😱. Fortunately he is reading an English translation

@countrygirl99 I lived in Finland for 2 yrs, the language is quite something!

DS2 is reading a Finnish poem at FILs funeral. I've just seen the words for the first time and seem to have a sudden @attack of hay-fever or something.

Hi All...just checking in to say sorry for you loss @exexpat and sorry for all the aggro everyone else dealing with. Also welcome to the newbies.

I managed to get away on my holiday last week. There is no phone reception at the cottage so a brief check in text in the morning and video call via FB in the evening was all the contact we had, and guess what? Everyone survived!

Although I did get a call last night at 5.30pm from mum saying her ear hadn't stopped bleeding all day and 111 had told her to go to hospital so she was going to get a cab or ask her neighbour to take her.

Much to my astonishment there were no demands that I drive back immediately, just a message 4 hours later to say she'd been seen, had managed to cut her ear faffing with a hearing aid and neighbour had taken her there and picked her up. Also that I should get a good night's sleep before I drove home this morning.

I'd actually left early rather than do a sparrowfart run this morning, and was home already but have kept that to myself.

She knows I'm home now...no pressure to go round later as I'm taking her to her ENT appointment tomorrow and have to unpack and get some work...and btw 'let me know if you fancy a takeaway rather than cooking tonight and I'll pop some money in your account' 😯!

I don't know if it would be of any relevance to anyone here, but a tiny dose of Citalopram seems to have rendered her almost unrecognisable. She's only on 10mg a day which is considered a sub therapeutic dose but she's so much calmer and less defensive.

Don't get me wrong...there's still the indecisiveness and turbo witter but that's much easier to cope with when someone's behaviour is generally more likeable.

That said, I don't think I'll ever lose that underlying fear I've had since Dad's accident, that at any point something could turn our lives on upside down again.

@Fantasea ah yes, welcome to my world. Latest thing with my mum is that she asks different people to do jobs they aren't qualified to do,

She knocks on neighbours door when she can't figure out how to switch TV on, but of course they don't need help.

Plus then decides to approach any workmen in orange hi viz because of course they will resurface the driveway ...

My dad admitted that she's told him not to ask us to do things (85 and very physically disabled) so was still waiting to put the pole attachment back on the window blind 6 months after it came off..

Their cups are so dirty that nothing will get them clean.. my dad soaked them in bleach and didn't rinse them properly...

The list goes on....

@Lightuptheroom it's all so simple to the outside world - just hide the keys, just lock the door, get them to make a POA. Mine insists she's independent and ranted and raged at me all the way home after a disastrous doctor's appointment recently that she 'doesn't need a carer'. Her recent secret house purchase is her flexing her independent muscles but it's all too much for her. She knows best and knows everything about everything but at the same time is so childlike in her demands and neediness. Nothing we do is every good enough which brings on teenage stropping at best and full on explosive rages at worst.