Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@countrygirl99 my mother is also exactly the same, constantly moaning that she doesn't go anywhere or see anyone. I take her shopping once a week (which she nagged me relentlessly about until I gave in) and visit her a further 2 or 3 times. I've suggested she join the local senior group to make friends and am in the process of arranging a bus pass for her so she can get around independently but she's dragging her heels with that now. Even my suggestions of ringing one of her old neighbours for a chat is rejected as she 'wouldn't have anything to say', well that's me told. I honestly think she would prefer to moan. It is so wearing and I also dread visiting.

I bumped into an acquaintance whose mum is in a similar state to dad's few months ago. She was saying she felt awful because a few weeks ago she was prepared for the end for the second time then her mum recovered and she was horrified at the thought she was going to go through all the trauma again. I knew exactly what she meant that "phew, oh shit" feeling.

Hello all- good luck @OnthePiste with your battles. Completely get it about the elderlies complaining about not seeing anyone etc- it is incredibly draining, grief must make it so much harder.
@notaflyingmonkey hope you are looking after yourself?
Round two of weekly chemo on Tuesday…. 4 down, 8 to go…

God, minty, its unrelenting for you isn't it? :(

As I predicted my sister has bailed on taking mum to hospital tomorrow but I can't do it so she's asked a friend.

I knew this would happen 😡

Mum has asked me to write down her wishes for her funeral (don't get me wrong, it's a good idea to do it) but she's then getting upset about it? A couple of people her age have died recently and its on her mind I think.

We've booked to take her to see her family abroad in June but I'm starting to wonder if she'll be well enough...she's very unsteady on her feet atm

Went to see dhs relative last week...she had no idea who we were. Very sad. She's 85 soon and sits alone all day staring at the walls :(

All in all a bit of a depressing week!

@countrygirl99 my mum's exactly the same too. Moans constantly but won't do anything remotely out of her comfort zone to help herself.

She was pretty down today but understandably. Her leg isn't getting better particularly quickly...she's can manage without me being there constantly but still needs the commode and walking stick. Says she's still very sore but won't take painkillers as apparently they don't make a difference.

She worried about losing the independence she does have if it doesn't get better and frustrated she can't get out to do things in the better weather.

Weirdly although it's been full on I find it easier to cope when she's got a physical issue (which probably sounds awful).

@OnthePiste sorry you're having more dramas...hope you manage to get something sorted out for her soon and no more falls in between.

@notaflyingmonkey we had the same period of isolation for dad, although fortunately no-one was testing positive. It's very strange when they've been such a huge part of your daily life, although not so much for me I guess as still had mum.

I can't actually imagine/remember having 2 days together to myself anymore!

Just checking in to say hello to everyone.

When DM moved into the care home, she had to isolate initially. Then she tested positive for Covid, as did other residents and staff. So I still haven't seen her. Every time I phone I am told she is fine, so maybe it will be good for her to settle without me visiting for a while. Although of course, I just feel anxious the whole time. Hopefully that will pass once I know she has settled ok.

So I spent pretty much all weekend gardening (hers and mine), and am now slightly regretting overdoing things.

@countrygirl99 DM is the same, swears she never sees a soul, never goes out and never even gets a breath of fresh air. Ever. Despite having 4 care visits daily and 3 x weekly outings with me!

I know it's only 2 months since dad died but I wish I could have 1 conversation with mum without her cryng that she doesn't know what to do with herself and that she is lonely. Any suggestions for activities/social life are dismissed out of hand with "that's not the same without your dad" even if it's something dad wouldn't have done like meeting her friends for coffee. Even when DBs or I visit or phone it's forgotten quickly. The other day DB1 went round minutes after I had phoned and got "I haven't spoken to a soul today". I know I'm talking to people who know but it's so bloody draining I dread visiting.

Hi I've not posted in a while although I've been checking in to see how everyone is doing.
DM has been plodding on at home desperately clinging on to her independence but in a high state of anxiety between 4. carer calls a day. It’s 2 years since her first episode of delirium followed by an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She now seems to be forgotten how to use her mobile phone which means a lot less calls for me but it’s still such a worry.

Thursday night I got a panicked call that she’d fallen over and had called an ambulance. I shot over there (12 miles away) and found she had cut her elbow and knee although not too badly. Patched her up and spoke to district nurses who said they would be round in the morning to dress properly. Cancelled the ambulance. Arrived Friday morning, all well and mum in good spirits. Went to the kitchen to get a drink and heard a shriek. Shot back into the lounge and found her on the carpet, this time she done her elbow in good and proper and tore the skin very badly.

Headed down to local A&E, through triage very quickly but sadly then had to endure a 3 1/2 hour wait in minor injuries. There is no Internet available and I had to listen to Mum repeating herself every five minutes. It was excruciating not made any easier by the fact that I was supposed to be in London watching the Book of Mormon! Dropped her home with strict instructions not to move from the sofa unless absolutely necessary and the carer would be in at 5 to cook for her. I’d only been home an hour when the phone rang, the carer had come into find her on the floor again. I lost the plot at this point at the thought of driving back over for the third time. DH took me in the end, DM was shaken but not badly hurt.

A Paramedic came and checked her over, all ok just bruising. So we’ve now come to the conclusion she is not safe at home. What to do next… A care home would be the best option although a live in carer has been suggested in the interim. As she is on a section 117, she gets some of her care paid for which unfortunately means I have to do battle with social services again next week. Wish me luck!

@SSD - thank you from me too. This is my corner of sanity! Great advice and provided with compassion and humour.

@Knotaknitter Glad you've found the certificates.

@Onewildandpreciouslife - Dementia is so cruel - the whole family suffers. Not sure if it is the whole of the UK or just Wales but I am having pre bereavement counselling from Cruse

May I have a self pitying while please? Mothers Day has always been a big thing in our household - my mum, me and the kids. Even the past two years with Covid the kids have sent cards and gifts to me and my mum and we have been able to celebrate with 3 generations. Now though mum is in the home. I have always done all I can to spoil her with sweets and presents but now she doesn't want anything I give her. I have got her a beautiful photo blanket with photos of the kids and a lovely card with a photo of her and me. But I feel really anxious about giving it to her. Most presents she refuses to keep and tells me to take them home. I'm trying to decide if I want to give them to her and risk feeling rejected if she sends it back or just not mention it. I miss her!

Saw DM today (I live 5 hours away and my last trip was cancelled cos I had Covid).

Not a good visit - was told I ‘killed her dream” because I sold her house. However much I tell myself it was the right thing to do (there is no prospect of her ever going home, the house was starting to deteriorate badly, and she’d done equity release so just leaching value) I still feel guilty. And the process of clearing the house pretty much broke me. I feel desperately sorry for her, but her dementia means there’s no point trying to justify myself. Just so sad

@ssd I'd like to thank you too, I had a year of single handedly coping with mum's recognised dementia and MIL's unrecognised confusion and I needed all the support I could get. There wasn't a lot of it going in the real world because of covid so this board was a real lifeline.

My (not very) exciting news is that I found the missing wedding certificate which was with everyone's birth certificates, my grandparent's death certificates and a receipt for a burial plot in perpetuity. I've filled the bin and avoided having to mow the lawn as it was raining. That will do me for another week.

Thank you. I'm so glad its helped so many.

@notaflyingmonkey he's not moved on but he has backed off almost completely outside of his contracted visits.

I thought L had moved on Minty, or did I miss something?

Your post made me chuckle Fantasea...they are like wilful kids ..why can't they just do as they're bloody told!

Don't think there will be much chance of time to myself for the next couple of days. Mum's getting about indoors with the aid of a stick, but it's slow and painful and she been needing help with the stairs, commode and getting dressed.

Hopefully the commode issue will right itself today and I'm fairly confident she'll be more or less functioning by the end of the week. She's been onto the agency to see if L can stay a bit longer on Wednesday so I can I have the whole day off, and has been happy for me to leave her for a couple of hours so I can come home and get a few things done here.

It's a pita having the situation thrust upon me, but in some ways it's easier to be be doing it in these circumstances as there's a genuine need, rather than just mooching around because she doesn't like her own company which always feels like a massive waste of my time and makes me really cross and resentful.

@NewYearNewMinty I'm so sorry to hear you've had another crisis to contend with, it's relentless isn't it? I'm hoping that you and DD will be able to look after yourselves a bit now, how are you both feeling?

@ssd another one to say a big thank you, it is a combination of this thread and my closest friend saying to me after Christmas (when DM was foul), 'you need to step back, she'll kill you' that has given me some much needed strength to deal with her a bit better.

Having set off early to collect Mum at the agreed time this morning, trying to avoid either reversing into her or finding her outside my neighbour's house with a face on that would sour milk if I'm 2 seconds late, I found her half-way round already! I don't know why the inability to just wait at her own house for me to collect her 'on time' gets my dander up so much. My mood wasn't improved as she insists on wittering on when I'm at a junction or roundabout. I had to ask her again this morning, nicely I should add, not to talk as I can't concentrate. She was quiet for about 10 seconds and then restarted! So I shushed her so she's in a bit of a huff with me!

I remember your name @thesandwich

Im glad its helped, it really helped me

@ssd meant to say thank you….. this cafe has been a lifeline. I was here in the early days…. And I’m still here now!!! 🌺🌺🌺

Back to emptying commodes again.. plus ca change!

I'm staying for dinner and hope to escape afterwards...we'll see.

Minty, I agree with knot that nothing will change until you change something here. You must protect yourself and your dd.
And it was decorating ( up a ladder) that caused my otherwise healthy fils massive stroke. 9 years in a wheelchair.

Minty you've got the patience of a saint