Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

12 days @countrygirl99 !

It's almost worse I think when you get a break and then...here we go again, especially after such a short time. Hope MIL settles in ok and FILs issues are sorted ASAP.

Doing my usual long stint at mums...she's definitely losing some of her faculties I think.

Her short term memory is appalling. We watched The Apprentice and she had to ask me who was pyjamas and who was cake 3 or 4 times during the first half hour.

There's been other things today that I've told her and she's then asked me about again at least once if not twice.

She's getting confused with doing her shopping online and with messaging apps on her phone. Asked me what WhatsApp was and half an hour lated wanted me to a check a message she was sending...in WhatsApp!

She's always been a stickler for routine but any thing that doesn't go to plan throws her out for hours.

Well we lasted a whole 12 days without either a parent crisis or vet bill. FIL has to go into hospital urgently for tests which means MIL has to go into a care home at least short term. It's not going down well as the emergency place available isn't close to home. Really MIL should have been a permanent resident for a long time and we have been pushing it for precisely this reason but they wouldn't listen so here we are.

Yes SS were supposed to house him but the wheels turn very slowly. The bungalow is currently insured with him living their. A problem as he likes to set fires occasionally

I must admit for the past year I was surreptitiously decluttering mum's house. There were rooms she no longer went in, so every bin day a couple of bags would sneak out

I thought SS had stepped in to provide housing for your sibling carnation?

As someone doing exactly the same as you permanent it's all very well for someone to say that, but where the hell are we supposed to put stuff, and why? I sorted DM's jewellery recently, costume stuff she hasn't worn for about 20 years, and my DD said as she wasn't dead, I shouldn't. She, however, couldn't come up with any other thoughts on what I am supposed to do about the personal stuff like that while selling the house.

@freshcarnation is it really so short?? My goodness.

I do feel I'm doing a lot of my grieving for dm now. There may or may not be a lot left when she dies.

Hello all. Just checking in and reading all your updates. It's now just over two weeks since my mum died. It honestly feels like months ago.

I've still got my disabled brother living in the bungalow and just about coping until social services find somewhere for him to live. Mum is having a direct cremation so nothing to organise there. It's all been very practical and a bit clinical to be honest. I'm sure at some stage I'll feel sad about losing mum, but not yet

It helps a bit that DM expresses no memory of her flat. She was there 3 years and miserable throughout. So I know the decision to get rid of it is a reasonable one- in itself it means nothing to her.

I'm sorry the roller coaster is continuing for everyone.

@OnthePiste that must have been awful. I hope she's okay and you manage to get through to the powers that be that the situation isn't working. IME they are so hell bent on responding to 'patients voice' that there is no consideration whatsoever of the practicalities or the impact on anyone else involved in their care. I wonder if there's some 'magic phrase' about health and safety/safeguarding you could use that would push them into action?

@PermanentTemporary don't feel guilty. What one person feels is no reflection on anything you're doing and as you know there are different practicalities to consider.

My mum sorted out most of my dad's stuff in between him dying and the funeral which I was a bit about, but as I was dealing with most of the arrangements it gave her something to focus on and played to both our skills.

I'm very fortunate that my mum is not a clutter person. We cleared the loft last summer so there's a fair bit of stuff in the garage that needs to be donated/tipped. Virtually everything in the house is potentially in use otherwise.

Tbh if she's still there when the time comes I plan to spend one week clearing out, one week troubleshooting any obvious DIY issues and then hand the keys to estate agent and never set foot in the place again.

It's theoretically a better house than mine, but needs some expensive updates and is so full of negative associations I don't think I could bring myself to live there, although mum has suggested it on several occasions.

Thanks @Knot sorry to hear your mil is declining, you have been so good to her even if you haven't always been close. I am actually quite relieved that DM has been looked after overnight and safe. The physios are assessing her today to see what she can/can't do and she is having a head CT scan. I spoke to a lovely doctor last night who spent a long time finding out her history and what has led up to all these falls. There is talk of a temporary rehab placement if she is not deemed ft to go home. Mum will be fuming!

Hello all, pleasantly busy here in the kumquat room.

I would quite like social services to be run by the ambulance Trust...

DM is moving today from the rehab section of her home to the long term care section. It's scary in every way. Now that she's on the good drugs there are little voices popping up in my head saying maybe I should try to get her into a flat with carers... maybe we could try a normal nursing home again... I just hope she's not too distressed by the change. It could be a very depressing environment or it could be quieter and nicer for her with fewer TV programmes she doesn't like. Crossing fingers.

I saw an old friend at the weekend and it was nice but they blurted out that they couldn't possibly have disposed of any of their mother's stuff until she was dead. So I'm feeling stuck again. Still surrounded by boxes. This friend has 2 houses, both with big attics and sheds... I have a 2 up 2 down.

OnthePiste my experience was that it took a long time for anyone to see the overall picture with falls, MIL could be back in hospital within 24 hours of discharge after a fall, in an ambulance three times in the week and they would investigate, find nothing and discharge her home with four care visits a day. It didn't help that she was adamant that she was fine and there was no problem, no-one seemed able to see the big picture. It's really stressful when you think they aren't safe but you seem to be the only one that thinks that. Try and take some time for yourself - I know that sounds impossible but you know she's being cared for, under constant supervision and in the short term there is nothing for you to do.

I visited MIL yesterday. She is more confused each week, I am finding it much easier to cope with than watching mum's decline. Our past relationship was not exactly based on love and understanding, I can handle talking about whether her mother will be waiting for her at home (in all honesty - no) without coming out and dissolving into tears.

Well..I turned up at mum's today to find her sat on the hall carpet covered in blood being comforted by a stranger. She had got up and fallen just after the carer left, whacked her head on the radiator, got up, fell again and hit the wall so crawled to the front door to summon help. Luckily a lovely lady who is a solicitor from the parade up the road was walking past and heard her. DM forgot all about her careline, I can't believe she managed to open the door the state she wsa in, I have never seen so much blood.

Paramedics turned up and were not impressed with her falling 6 times in 5 days so she's been admitted to hospital, well she is still in A&E as there are huge delays but will be. Not sure what will happen then, SS said no to 24 hour care on Monday and that she was fine with 4 calls a day. Clearly not!

@countrygirl99 oh dear, I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard to deal with. Knowing your mum truly didn't understand must have made it all so much more upsetting and frustrating for you. I don't know if it is the timescale problem with my mum though, a couple of weeks ago I was outside her flat about 7 minutes before the agreed time and she commented that I was early but then I suppose she can still tell the time without sensing the passing of it. She has always been very angry and impatient so that is very much there still. To complicate matters, every single time she has come over to ours, she has always been late but this might be her silent protest at the 'vegetarian muck' she is about to be served!

@Mum5net keeping a record is an excellent idea, thank you for the suggestion. The overruiling is a constant theme, yet even if I'm agreeing with her, she does a lot of raising her voice and 'hand banging' on the sofa to make her point, it's very wearing.

@Fantasea
I have wondered if this is the start of dementia, but suspect it's also her being just difficult. Mine were mid 70s when this became a thing. Hindsight shows it was worsening anxieties and as they became overwhelmed they overruled anyone else’s view or suggestions. Just put a Note in your phone with the date and instance and watch to see a pattern.

@Fantasea the biggest feature of mums dementia is she has no concept of timescales. When dad went into hospital she was repeatedly phoning and complaining head been waiting for a bed for days when it was teatime on the day he went in just before lunch, but when he died she thought they had only just phoned to tell her for a couple of weeks. If your mum has dementia she may think she's been waiting for ages instead of a couple of minutes or she may just be impatient.

@Mum5net and @countrygirl99 thank you both for understanding, I have wondered if this is the start of dementia, but suspect it's also her being just difficult. The inability to wait for me to arrive at the appointed time has ramped up over recent weeks, it's mixed in with the grocery shopping which has been a bone of contention since she moved here last summer. I've been organising online deliveries for her but since Christmas the nagging to go to the store has ramped up so I've relented. I'm on chemotherapy so I sit in the car for about an hour and a half and do this with good grace (I hope). The shine is already going off it. I asked on Monday if she wanted to go yesterday and her response was, 'yes, if you like'! I have mine delivered so I don't need to go!

DD and I have succumbed to FOG and invited her over for Mother's Day dinner on Sunday. We are vegetarian which really doesn't suit Mum at all . I have a quiz later that evening with some online chums so I'll have to 'pop her back' in good time, perhaps I'll drop her off on the corner!

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this and with your DB1 in the mix too. My dad had dementia and it is such a cruel disease.

@Fantasea I'm sure we can fit you in if we all budge up a bit. When I spoke to mum yesterday she had completely forgotten her complaint about DB1 and he was back to being the golden child. But still teary and complaining about being lonely but not prepared to do anything. She insists she is going places but when I ask when she is next going to WI (hasn't been since Feb 2020, insists she goes to all the meetings) the next meeting is always a couple of weeks away and has been for at least a month.

@Fantasea She simply can’t follow instructions This.
This sums up for me how dementia presents itself in the early stages. My DParents led us a merry dance for about five years as they both started to fail fast.
This happened literally so many times. Please wait till I’m there… Please leave that for me… Do whatever you want but just not that … They would agree and promise and then when you turned up in person they had gone ahead… Every blooming time. Always with some detrimental consequence that had repercussions.

@Knotaknitter, really wise words. DM, who was really keen on the free bus pass a few weeks ago, has informed me she 'isn't in any rush' now and has also run out of ink to print the forms...

@countrygirl99 room for another one? I took DM grocery shopping today and left my house in good time to collect her at 2pm, as we agreed. As I locked my front door, I glanced up the road to see her standing on the corner, she simply cannot follow instructions . A small moan compared with others' issues but it drives me insane!

My mum wouldn't remember who brought them and someone random would get the credit.

I recall needmoresleep took flowers or magazine on purpose every visit so there was proof she’d been.

There would be no point in me doing that with mum - she sends everything back "ready for when I get home"!

Thanks@ChiswickFlo and @Knotaknitter the lovely sunshine does really help. Great insight knot
@notaflyingmonkey you did the right thing for her- she couldn’t be at home. Please try and drop the guilt. And seek medical help re insomnia- sounds like the Adrenalin is still pumping though the crisis is over.
@countrygirl99 budge up on the bench….. so many of us are here! WhatsApp groups are great to cut through the fog of misremembering.
I recall needmoresleep took flowers or magazine on purpose every visit so there was proof she’d been.

I'm definitely on the bad daughter bench this afternoon. DB1 has POA. DB1 is round at mum's at least twice a week, usually more. DB1 took mum to the hospital twice when dad was on end of life care. This afternoon mum asked me if I ever hear from him so I send yes and she went into a tirade about how, other than at the funeral, she hasn't seen him since dad went into hospital and I told her he has been there lots. She got really angry and told me I didn't know the truth, only she did. So I told her I wasn't prepared to have this conversation and put the phone down. She doesn't realise that we share details of every visit on a WhatsApp group so we can spread them out and not turn up at the same time.

My guilt at putting DM in a home has manifested itself as insomnia. This has been going on for weeks/months now and it's so debilitating. Having spent the weekend gardening, I went for a swim last night thinking physical activity would be what cracks it. I've still been up since 3.30am, with the addition of a few aches.

I did have a moment of revelation when I realised that mum wasn't asking for a solution, she wanted to complain and then have everything continue as it was. I'd been spending hours coming up with solutions, I'd arrive with a list of contact numbers for carefully selected local groups, chosen for their appeal (I thought) and a close bus stop. When it all got a flat no with little consideration I felt as personally rejected as my ideas. Once I realised that she wasn't wanting any change and didn't want me to come up with an answer we got along a lot better.

@OnthePiste MIL unwillingly went into residential care because of falls. She was falling hours after discharge from hospital after a fall. They never could get to the bottom of why it happened and she wasn't safe alone at home. It took a long time for anyone (other than family) to see the pattern and not just discharge her for her to fall again. She's got solid bones and got lucky, no falls downstairs and no breaks. She does occasionally still fall but she's not on the floor overnight waiting for someone to find her (yes, she had a call button, no she didn't remember to wear it)

very best wishes @thesandwich, this bit of sun is lifting my spirits and I hope that it's shining on you too