Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

We have an answer. His prostate cancer has dpread and due to numerous other medical issues he's not a suitable candidate for chemo. He's waiting for an oncology appointment and DH will go with him. He is convinced social
services will fund 24 hour care at home for MIL and is adamant she won't go into a home. There's no money for private fundingbeyond a couple of weeks. MIL cannot be left and didn't before her stroke she would never spend a night alone at home as she was terrified. We know what needs to happen, getting it to happen will be the struggle.

@onewildandpreciouslife DH tried this a while back and they were very by the book and wouldn't play ball. We know we are going to be in for a rough ride as he is absolutely determined that MIL (severely disabled after a stroke) won't go into a home even after his death and this is the one thing he will not consider. Even getting him to consider it when he thought he needed an immediate admission to hospital last week was a nightmare and he was saying he wouldn't go in until BIL and SIL said they could cover a few days.

@knotaknitter he always gets confused when doctors are trying to explain stuff. He panics and just hears blah blah but won't ask questions

@countrygirl99 it might be worth your DH asking FIL’s GP what they need to enable DH to speak to them directly.

I think when I did this with DM they needed her permission - she never gave it, but we got round it by me saying “ok, I will tell you what she’s told me…” and they’d say “we can’t tell you anything but you don’t need to worry about that”

(In DM’s case, it was the early stages of dementia, and I’d get calls from her cleaner saying “Your DM says she’s got 4 Romanians coming to operate on her leg tomorrow and she needs £400 cash to pay them”. Not as funny at the time as it is now!)

@countrygirl99 Your poor DH, that's worrying on two counts, the confusion/mixed message as well as the possible diagnosis.

Goodness knows what is going on with FIL but clearly something is. After last week's palava about his kidneys he phoned DH yesterday afternoon to tell him his oncologist phoned and they can't do anything more for his prostate cancer and he has 12-18 months. BUT 3 weeks ago he told DH he'd had a phone call after his last routine scan and all was good with no concerns, not growing and no signs of spreading. DH going over after work to try and find out what on earth is going on.

It's all starting here. DMIL93 is having to move from one residential care home, which is closing, to another and this is going to be near DH and I, instead of 300 miles away. The news broke a fortnight ago, and amazingly, the arrangements are all falling into place quickly. I found a pleasant facility about 10 miles/20 minutes away, we viewed it, and they now have a vacancy. The two care directors are liaising over her needs assessment but are confident it can work, and a non-emergency ambulance service has been contacted.

The only awkwardness is coming from DSIL, who is cross that we are taking her far away where she'll know no-one (not really true as few of her friends are left, and they don't visit) and she won't be able to pop in. We sympathise -- but it has been like that for us for 30 years. DH is so pleased he'll be able to see his mum several times a week in her remaining years without a 13 hour round trip. Thanks to COVID etc, he's seen her once in 18 months, and that was when we had to clear her house before it was sold. DMIL was at home with carers before COVID but went in for a few weeks respite while DSIL had an operation, and then lockdown happened.

@freshcarnation I'm also so sorry to hear this and really shocked by the behaviour of a carer.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty DD and I had DM over for dinner yesterday evening. From her point of view and predictably, it was all for 'her' as that's what Mother's Day is. Hence she was quite well-behaved but that upset me as she spends the rest of the time being horrible to me.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that sounds so difficult and just having no regrets doesn't ease the pain Xx

I felt very sad yesterday, I looked at DM and thought 'you're at the end of your life, no-one likes you, no-one wants to spend time with you and you're only here as I have FOG unlike your other daughter'. She is an object of pity and I can't change her behaviour towards me but it really hurts at times.

I was unexpectedly weepy yesterday. I concluded that if I had known that last year would be mum's last Mother's Day at home I wouldn't have done anything differently. I put a lot of effort into her presents every year so I have no regrets, just an overwhelming sadness that she is moving further and further away from the mum I know and love. When we visited on Friday she couldn't hold a conversation, she said a couple of sentences asking if we could take her home because she didn't know the way. She's no longer agitated and cross but she is harder and harder to reach.

@freshcarnation I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. People seem to be tone deaf when it comes to the vagaries of dealing with the elderly and loss, but you'd expect better from someone in the caring profession.

DD and I had my Mother's Day on Saturday as obviously the day itself revolves around Mama Minty. So I was taken out for a lovely brunch and we spent the day chilling out together.

Yesterday was actually not bad at all. Touch wood, for some weird reason mum and I seem to be getting on better since she hurt her knee . We went round in the morning, then DD went off to her dad's and I stayed for the rest of the day, cooked us a nice dinner, washed up etc.

I was unexpectedly upset about not having my mum around. Had put plans around me to protect myself yesterday and then had a kicking from my brother's carer who text me to instruct me to look after him for the day because his mother has just died. Beyond insensitive

DM's home doesn't allow flowers or plants, so I ordered a selection of artificial flowers online. When they came, I almost threw them away they looked so awful, but bought a nice vase for them to go in, thinking it would help. If anything, it looked even worse. Dropped them at her care home yesterday (under lockdown due to Covid) for mothers day.

The old DM would have thrown them out. We shall see if and when I am allowed in to see her what reception these get.

I think I'm supposed to sigh about it being the first Mother's Day without my mum but it was all fine. I was grateful for it being Just Another Sunday. I used to buy three cards and presents, one for my husband to give to my son to give to me, one for him to give to his mother and one for my mother. It was all a bit of a production and I'm glad to be rid of it.

I just love trivial and awful!
I'm recovering from Mother's Day which was lovely and awful at the same time. Even my mother said 'I think you deserve another Mother's Day for yourself'!! Gasp! She noticed!!

If you want to talk about where you're at and what your worries are this is the perfect place. Nothing too trivial or too awful here.

@PermanentTemporary and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thanks for the replies and advice.

Hi @Whatinthelord and welcome. It is scary when you realise that you are taking more and more responsibility for someone. But remember a lot of posts here are from people who have reached the end of their resources or who just need a place to vent. For many of us parents/grandparents/elderly relatives carried on for a long time with only minimum support or input and even if that increases over time it may never cause many of the issues here. But the wonderful thing about this thread is that there is support for the worst of situations and those really niggly moments that can seem petty to those who don't know the reality of caring for someone who can't remember how to work the tv remote or pour themselves a glass of water.

@Whatinthelord welcome. I'd say try not to think too much about the future (easier said than done) because of the multiple scenarios on this thread, you won't at least have to deal with all of them...

Hello everyone, just joining to seek support. At the beginning of this experience and just realising care for parents is going to be a big issue.
All the unknowns are quite scary.

So, FIL already had an appointment with the urologist next week and they wanted to do extra blood tests ahead of that. After which he may possibly need to go in. Everyone stood down for now!

We've been battling for a long time for them to accept MIL needs to be in a home precise location because of this scenario. But you know olds just because the problem could have been avoided and they are making it harder doesn't stop them expecting you to step in and solve it.

@countrygirl99 Beggars can't be choosers, MIL has to go where there is a bed and that's all there is to it. It's not for long and she'll just have to tough it out. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do but there isn't any other option.

FIL could allow SS to talk to you about this, if he chooses not to do that then he can but it makes things much more complicated for him at a time when he should be focussed on all those things he needs to do for his own health. You could make all these problems go away - liase with the home, sort out transport but if he wants to do it all then that's his choice. We've said before that it needs a crisis for things to change, maybe this is the organisational crisis he needs to let his family back into the loop. "You're in charge Dad"

Yes, it's going to be a nightmare.

Oh blimey...what a nightmare!

At least MIL will presumably have her own room which hopefully won't be so bad. There were 2 chaps with dementia on the ward with my dad when he broke his back and that wasn't great tbh.

Anyway, wishing you the best of British and at least it's Friday...takeaway and all the gin tonight?

So the situation with ILs is FIL needs to go in for urgent tests for something to do with his kidneys but he doesn't know what. It will have been explained but he will have gone into a panic and just heard "blah blah kidneys blah hospital". He thinks he is going in today but he isn't sure. Tbh we wouldn't be surprised to find out it's just blood tests or a scan as an outpatient remembering the time he needed an urgent kidney scan at 9.30 at the GP surgery that turned out to be "your prescription for antibiotics will be available for collection".
Social Services have found a place for MIL that can take her immediately but it's 2 towns away and specialises in dementia care and she doesn't have dementia so ILs aren't happy. He also doesn't know how she is getting there and says Social Services have told him he needs to arrange transport himself. He doesn't drive anymore and none of us have a suitable vehicle (MIL needs hoisting out of her wheelchair).
He withdrew permission for Social Services to speak to us after we discovered he was telling us and Social Services different stories to manipulate us into doing what he wanted a couple of yearsago. DH has financial but not health POA for FIL, FIL's choice.
We could try and organise a wheelchair taxi for MIL but we don't know when and only know the town the home is in, FIL says Social Services didn't tell him which home. We also suspect he has completely misunderstood transport arrangements as he has form for this. 2 + 2 frequently makes 37 because he panics, doesn't listen and won't ask questions.
Today is going to be fun isn't it.