Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Country girl how are you putting up with her? I tell her that the key

needs to go back to the keybox for her own safety. Ask her what would happen say if she fell in the house and no one could get in help her?
I also tell her that unless she uses the key box your not going to be around to help her out, that you will ring social services and they put her into a nursing home.

Oh lord countrygirl!

My mum has taken the key out of the keybox because "anyone can use it to get in". Sigh

@mumofEandE that is so hard. I can almost see the point of not telling you while you were living abroad if she was afraid that you would drop everything to visit and she didn't want to worry you but it seems hurtful to be left out of the loop like that, especially when you are in contact.

I had an email from mum's home today. They have two cases of covid and four staff off with it. They are still open to visitors but obviously everyone has to have a negative LFT before visiting.

They have taken mum off the Sertraline because she was so sleepy and weak. When we saw her yesterday she was still struggling to speak but she was full of smiles and had tried to feed herself at lunch time which she hasn't done for a fortnight. Bizarrely she said "Tell me something, is my dad still with us?" We said that he wasn't and she said she had no memory of him. But when we left we realised that she refers to my husband, my uncle and my father as dad so it could be one of them that she was thinking about. She has asked before if my husband is still alive because she hasn't seen him since she went into hospital - we don't have a car so my cousin has taken me to visit every time.

Hi
Long term lurker here - just met up with my DM and my (adult) son and found out that my dad has been poorly this week - daily hospital visits for antibiotics
She has form for this- about 20 years ago he had a bad accident and had been in hospital over a week before she told me (I was living abroad at the time though)
They won't tell me any medical issues - I only know my dad has had skin cancer as they left an appointment card on the fridge

Thanks for that Knot.

Did we see that the guidance on care home visiting have changed? No test is now needed for visitors unless they are providing personal care. The summary of the changes is here:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/infection-prevention-and-control-in-adult-social-care-covid-19-supplement/summary-of-changes-to-covid-19-guidance-for-adult-social-care-providers

All this online shopping mayhem reminds me of my mum early summer 2020. Not a supermarket shop but they needed a new pond pump and garden centres were still closed. She had managed to find what they wanted but when I went over she complained the site wouldn't let her pay. She kept pressing a button saying buy and had 10 pumps in her basket at £79 each!

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry to hear of all your struggles, it must be so worrying and distressing for you. I hope you can find a satisfactory solution for yourself and your family Xx.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty our DMs are related! Mine can't work the Tesco site at all, although she could at the start of lockdown. Your mum's basket though . My DM grudgingly agreed to online orders when she moved here as the stores are too busy for me and my immune system. I had to go over with my laptop and add in each item, with a huge discussion about prices per kg, rejecting items which she wanted which had gone up by 10p and saying things like 'I'll need a mortgage to pay for this' as it went over about £30. She is really very affluent I should add but so mean. I would then return the following day to supervise the order's arrival, handle the substitution confusion and have her discuss with the delivery drivers why they 'didn't have Hovis, there's always loads of them', it was maddening! Every order had something wrong with it and there was so much huffing and puffing as she 'needs to SEE what she's buying' so eventually she wore me down so much I agreed to take her to the store weekly. I sit in the car on my phone whilst she shops for up to an hour and a half, sourcing the perfect lettuce and bottle of milk. On the upside, it's a 15 minute drive each way for me versus a two day event with an online order so it's preferable but still so wearing.

@Knotaknitter we will just make sure everyone knows everyone else's red lines as to what help they can give to save a bit of hassle and negotiation when the inevitable crisis happens. We are away for 2 weeks in June and not only will our phones be switched off to avoid roaming charges but we will be camping most nights so they wouldn't get charged anyway. Not that we could do anything from Southern Africa but at least we can make sure we haven't been volunteered for anything on out return!

@countrygirl99 That must be incredibly hard for all of you, waiting for the inevitable crisis. Maybe not for FIL because he has the certainty of his convictions, everything will be according to plan and XYZ will certainly happen. It's not worth having the discussion, he's not going to change his position and because of that there's no plan you can put in place ahead of time.

@permanentTemporary you would yhink that is a good solution buy is met with "your mother is not going in a home" and a mega sulk. What will happen is he will need hospital/have a fracture or similar and will have a tantrum when we can't commit to dropping everything (we all work full time) to look after them for an unspecified period away from our own homes. We are prepared for it. It won't be pleasant but we'll cope in the end. We know who the flying monkey will be so are planning to speak to her after a family meeting to put her in the picture.

@countrygirl99 that's sounds incredibly challenging. I hope he becomes more flexible and that you manage to find a solution everyone is happy with.

Have just got to mum's and she's halfway through an online supermarket shop. It's really quite alarming how confused she seems to be with navigating the website.

Admittedly it's Waitrose which she hasn't used for a while but she's not much better on familiar ones.

Can't locate the search facility, when I checked her basket she'd managed to put in 5 packets of gammon steaks and 4 large tubs of yoghurt. She's just had to re-book her slot as she'd taken too long to check out.

It is sort of touching the way that my aunt and her partner think my mother is "the same old 'Jane'" and believe she'd be fine with 'some' help in a flat. Luckily they don't have to make the decisions.

It's also touching that your FIL is so devoted. Let's hope he might see a joint placement in home as a possibility.

They are in a HA disability adapted bungalow. The major issue is FIL is becoming very frail and soon is not going to be able to care for MIL in between the 4 times a day visits and she needs 24 hour care. She frequently wakes very distressed so he rarely gets an undisturbed nights sleep. He is already struggling to cope. She is hemiplegic, can't speak read or write and is incontinent. Because of MILs special bed and hoists etc his bedroom is what was the dining room. There are only 4 rooms so there is nowhere for an overnight carer to sleep unless he is moved to the living room and entrance to the kitchen is through that room. So for staying at home to work they need to be moved to a 3 bed property with a wheelchair adapted shower. They are fully funded by SS, they have very little savings, it's not going to happen.

Is there anywhere locally that they could both move to? Abbeyfield (.com) springs to mind. Somewhere they could have their own front door and be together but at the same time not be alone. It's not the same as "putting her in a home" when they are still both together.

I did briefly look at full time care - at the time there was literally no-one to do it. Other than me of course.

No one other than FIL and MILs sister believes that she will be able to stay. The problem is we realise that the shit will truly hit the fan within a very few months as he is already frail and struggling. Yesterday he fell getting out the taxi taking him to hospital and had to get taken to his appointment by wheelchair. No way will he be able to cope for 12/18 months or so.

@countrygirl99 Wow. The shit shows just keep on coming don't they. I would be most surprised if social services agree to keeping your MiL in the family home with 24 hour care once FIL goes. We've had a similar situation with my brother. Mum always had the fantasy that my brother would be able to stay in her bungalow once she died, with 24 hour cover etc. However there's simply no carers available to provide this, even if social services had an unlimited budget. It's not safe, it's too expensive and it's also unkind

FIL takes stubborn to a whole new level. At least the SS emergency care plan clearly states that family don't live nearby, work.full time and cannot provide care. DH was at the meeting when this was put together and based on experience of FIL telling SS we would cover all backup made sure it was put in.Obviously we have in emergencies and for some planned appointments/ minor ops but it can't be regular or for more than a few days.

@countrygirl99 what a distressing situation for everyone. SS sounds the best way forward - I think it will help to have an independent person looking at DMil’s best interests. Otherwise it puts a very big burden on your DH

He is telling everyone that SS have promised itand he has it in writing. DH has a copy of the document which is detailing MILs needs in case if a short term emergency and it notes his preferences but doesn't say they can be fulfilled in any way. DH is going to try and get a meeting that he can attend with SS.

Occasionally if people are stubborn enough it does happen apparently that people have got funding for 24 hour care at home. Rarer than a blue moon these days I should think.

MIL can't talk but can indicate yes or no etc. She does get distressed at any talk of going into a home. Whether that is because she doesn't want to be in a home or because she doesn't want to be apart from FIL she can't express.

It's clear what FIL wants, is MIL able to say what she wants?