Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

My brother phones her for 2 minutes during his work break each day and I'm amazed she hasn't erected a statue in his honour

Yes, I will be telling them.
I can't go on like this.

Atm she's pretty independent in the sense she lives alone in a ground floor flat in sheltered accommodation. Has been there for 18 months now.
But I have to take her anywhere she needs to go, she can't walk that far and her health is really declining now.
I've done 18 hospital, Drs and blood test appointments since mid December to mid March :( (in fact I've had to cancel 3 appointments this week as she's in hospital).
I'm not sure my siblings accept that her health is declining but then again they dont spend a lot of time with her.
The tricky thing is that I do get carers allowance as I had to give up my pt job to care for mum so may need to stop that...
My sister is a difficult person and ultimately a very unhappy one. She finds mum difficult (like I don't!??)
My brother is the "golden child"
Always has been
And he's fucking useless

It sounds to me like you need to assume they won’t be doing anything, and make sure that the hospital makes arrangements for appropriate care from social services prior to her discharge. It doesn’t have to be your responsibility to look after your mum when she is discharged from hospital. Visit her, bring her gifts, help her as much as you want to, and can, as her daughter- but if she is only able to go home on the assumption you are caring for her, that doesn’t have to be your responsibility any more than it is your siblings.

It sounds like you have been doing a lot for your mum. I know, having been in that situation, that it’s easy to tell yourself that you have no choice. But you do. It’s not an easy choice, but you can choose not to. And it’s ok to choose not to break. Your dh, your children, and your mum need you to be well, not broken.

Right now, your siblings are choosing not to do very much at all. They are probably telling themselves they don’t have to, because you are doing it all. If you set boundaries about what you can and can’t do, they may well find they have more time after all. Or they might not. You can’t make them, unfortunately - but they also can’t make you.

I personally wouldn’t be discussing anything with them. I’d just be telling them.

Dh brought me a banana and some biscuits 😋

@OhPleaseJustLast
Thank you for your lovely very sensible post.
You are quite right.
But because I only work pt and voluntarily I am seem as expendable it seems?
I have a dh, 2 dc and my own health issues and my dh works away at times which makes me the sole parent during that time.
Yet I'm still expected to do it all.
It was the same after dad died.
I'm just so tired.
I've asked to meet them at mums flat prior to her discharge to discuss what I'm prepared to do going forward.
No replies thus far....

@ChiswickFlo I know it’s hard and I don’t know the details of your relationship with your siblings. I have some siblings who are similarly rubbish, but for various reasons don’t feel I am responsible at all for their relationship with my parents.

I think, as an outsider, I would advise you to decide what you can do with regards to care. And be very careful to make sure that is only what you can do, and not what you think you should do in the absence of anyone else.

Then, and hard as it is, you communicate to your siblings and your mum what you will be doing, and you leave them to make their own decisions as to whether they step up or not. And if they don’t, you don’t make excuses for them to your mum. Their relationship with her is their responsibility, not yours.

That may mean your mum is left without visitors some of the time when you cannot be there. And that is hard. But you have your life to live, your own responsibilities, and your health, physical and mental, to consider. Again, making assumptions about your relationship with your mum, as a mother myself I would not want to watch my children destroy themselves in an effort to ‘save’ me in my final days. Your siblings may not step up, but if they don’t, you still need to eat (using the example at the hospital).

Big hugs.

I doubt my brother will be talking to me after yesterday...
WhatsApp convo:
Me: I can't go and seem mum tomorrow as I have appointments
(Give visiting info 1-7pm book a slot, negative lft needed etc )
Can one of you go?

B: wife doesn't get home til 5
Me: visiting is til 7
B: wife is out tuesday and Wednesday evening
Me: OK can you do Thursday?
B: I have to work around wife and daughter so don't know
!!!!!?
Sister finally replies and is going to "try" and go today
🤷‍♀️
Just excuses...
I text my sister to ask of she could come to a&e and relieve me for a couple of hours ad the vending machines were all empty and Costa and M&s had closed and I hadn't eaten...
She felt "ill" apparently

The only reason I'm not going today is that ds2 has a school performance this afternoon then parents evening later...

Ugh
I hate this

Hi @VeryMuchFlaggingMinty
I'm just exhausted tbh
It was really awful and distressing
I was at a&e from 4pm Saturday to 7am Sunday
Then back from 1-3pm Sunday
Then back for a 1 hour visiting slot yesterday 1-2pm
My sister is going in today
My brother is "sorting something out" apparently for later in the week 🙄
I think I need to clarify my position with mums care now...
As they both work in the week (as do I but it's pt and voluntary so obv doesnt count ..) maybe I could suggest I do all the weekdays and they sort the weekends between them?
Does that sound OK?
They'd be doing 1 day per week each compared to my 5?

@ChiswickFlo how are you feeling today? Hope you've managed/will manage to get some rest.

My last all nighter in A & E was 2.5 years ago and the thought still makes me shudder.

I'm sorry your sibs are useless...sometimes I'm relieved I'm only child dealing with olds tbh.

Thanks
Tbh I'm not sure they fully cured it last August...
Anyway she seems more with it today
She will never criticise my siblings so...🤷‍♀️

Oh dear @ChiswickFlo - that's horrible, sending lots of moral support.

When FiL had sepsis once they'd diagnosed it was amazing how fast the meds turned things around so fingers crossed that's the same for your mum.

And yes, definitely time for some blunt words with siblings.

Morning
Mums in hospital again with sepsis
I knew what it was was but it was still a 15 hour wait in a&e with dreadful "care"
I had to beg for pain relief for her
Dx is diverticular sepsis
Surgical registrar was very blunt (thank goodness mum was out of it) and told me of her bowel perforates they won't operate due to her other comorbidities
My siblings are being as helpful as ever
Brother can't possibly fund an hour to visit
Sister couldn't take over from me for a couple of hours on a&e as she was "ill"
🙄
Time for a Frank talk with them I think...

@Knotaknitter - Yes, that was us. In the end I couldn't cope with the stress of even a temp move on top of everything else and so we just resigned ourselves to driving miles. The wine cellar/fridge in that one flat was tempting...

I spoke to a physio about MiL and he offered to go and see her but didn't realistically think there was much that could be done. She lost so much mobility after her lockdown hip fracture and she's never regained it. Her carers are great though and get her doing some walking with her frame every day.

And yes, reminding my secretly-affluent FIL that he's getting payback for all those taxes has made it easier!

@BurningTheToast I had to check to see if you were the one hunting for a closer flat with the wine cellar/fridge - it's funny the things that you remember. Getting the funding (backdated too) must be such a relief, it makes it easier to sell it as getting a bargain. My line was "with all the taxes you've paid over the years it's about time you started getting something back".

Have you considered getting a private physiotherapist in although I'm not sure that they can build muscle strength if MIL isn't eating. I looked at it when mum started being uncertain on her feet but then it all went west very quickly.

Good grief, that was long! Sorry if anyone ploughed through all of that x

Afternoon all - it's been a while but I've brought gin. It's kumquat flavoured.

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who offered advice and support when I rocked up here in November with a FIL in hospital with a broken hip and DH having to provide 24 hr care for his very frail mother while I ran around like a crazy person trying to keep all the wheels on life's wagon. And making a 60odd mile round trip to hospital to get moaned at by FIL because the hospital was awful, the staff didn't know what they were doing and he was only there because of my fussing. (no words...). I was at the end of my proverbial and you fellow Bad Daughters made me feel that I could cope and gave me some really useful practical advice. Thanks again.

Where we are at the moment is that MIL had to have three weeks respite care at the eye-wateringly expensive (and not as good as all that) care home around the corner. She wasn't keen but agreed to it if that was what we thought was best. My MIL is a star and I love her very much. She did okay there from an eating point of view (very poor appetite) but I wasn't impressed that they didn't get her up and walking as much as possible and so she spent almost all her time in her room.

FIL insisted that there was no need for her to be in the home and that we should have just managed. Apparently she needs a little help to move around the house and that's it. Yeah, right... He was also missing her so much that it was a week after he came home before he agreed to let us drive him up to see her.

I contacted social services but wasn't getting anywhere so organised 3 hrs per day of care via a private agency. They're great although FIL is a raging snob and has taken against one of them. As well as providing personal care they also do housework which is a joy as it saves me having to do it all. There's no way FIL would agree to a cleaner coming in.

Three months after my first attempt to get a needs assessment, social services sent out a placement student (lovely girl but about 12) who essentially agreed with the care needs we'd established and now payments of almost two-thirds of the cost are being made by the council. We're Scotland so free personal care which is great as it was costing £600 per week. After i politely queried they agreed to backdate funding to when the care agency started in December.

At the moment, things are ok. We're chugging along. MIL's appetite is still poor and all the Fortisips and so on in the world aren't helping. FIL is still insisting he can do everything - current obsession is with pruning the apple trees and felling a couple of conifers. Turns out that I'm more of a lumberjack than I thought.

But again, thank you. I haven't sat and wept in the supermarket car park when it got too much for ages now and I think that's partly because I know there are other Bad Daughters her to pat me on the shoulder and pass the gin. If I can do the same for anyone else I'm more than willing.

DB1 has a key so he is going to get extra cut and put one in the keybox without telling mum. Hopefully she won't realise it's there before she's forgotten it bothered her.

DM was dismissive of her diagnosis, and put it down to old age. She used to say she didn't like being labelled as 'demented', which I can understand. So I used to back off at hospital appointments etc once I'd said it, and she'd denied it, and let the staff work it out for themselves.

The lack of insight into dementia is one of the common elements of the condition. It's not necessarily that they are in denial, if they can't remember it having happened then for them it hasn't happened. In the early stages Mum said "I really must speak to the doctor about my memory" every couple of months, I thought she might have remembered the brain scan as it was in a mobile unit in a car park so was different from regular hospital visits, but no.

DB2 was the one they ground the keybox was empty when he turned up for an arranged visit and she was out. 2nd time in a couple of weeks she has done that to him. Went to let himself in to wait for her thinking she'd probably popped out to the corner for milk/ciggies and made the discovery so he waited in his car. As mum is convinced that there us nothing wrong with her any threats of not going round to help etc are dismissed. DB1 took her to a GP appointment this week. When the GP mentioned her alzheimers she said "I don't know why you think I've got that I've never been tested". 2 memory tests by GP, memory clinic appointments snd a brain scan = never been tested.