Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@ChiswickFlo, sorry to hear that your meeting isn't happening, that must be so frustrating for you. If it were me, I would put it in an e-mail, just to get it off my chest if nothing else.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere such good advice. During one of my hospital stays I was on a ward (as there was no space elsewhere) with many elderly ladies, most whom had had falls. They came in for the night, got patched up and then were discharged home for it to happen again. I was aghast at the time but my time on this board has taught me how common this is.

I will

The phrase I learned that save my sanity was "Unsafe Discharge". If you feel there is a risk to her at home make sure the discharge team know exactly what support there is at home - make sure they understand that you will not be taking up the slack for them.

Yes.
Exactly.
They'll boot mim out on Friday. I know they will. (They did last august)
She has capacity so nothing I can do

@ChiswickFlo I’m not sure I’d waste the energy on them. Strong words with the complex needs discharge team or adult social services might produce more results?

They will naturally go for the easiest option for them (ie you). You need to make it clear what your boundaries are. I know this is easier said than done, but ask yourself what would happen if everyone didn’t have you to fall back on?

So, sister is ill so meeting not happening today.

I'm not sure if I should just put it all in an e mail?

Not something we can do once mums home.

[quote Knotaknitter]@ChiswickFlo There have been times when I've been glad that I'm an only child because then I'm not being let down by people who are supposedly there for me. When it comes to discharge maybe assume that going forward your siblings will do what they've always done and then be realistic about what you can do. Carer burnout is a real thing, if you can get some professional support with daily care then it gives you more space to be a daughter and do the hospital appointments.[/quote]
I'll see how tonight goes...😬
No carers to be had locally so that's a non starter
And despite how ill she is she will be slung out on Friday afternoon/evening like last time and I won't be there to advocate or prevent it.
I'd sourced a toilet frame and fold up wheelchair
She'll be thrilled 🤣🤣

@ChiswickFlo There have been times when I've been glad that I'm an only child because then I'm not being let down by people who are supposedly there for me. When it comes to discharge maybe assume that going forward your siblings will do what they've always done and then be realistic about what you can do. Carer burnout is a real thing, if you can get some professional support with daily care then it gives you more space to be a daughter and do the hospital appointments.

@countrygirl99 They can't really complain, if they were genuinely tight on numbers then it just got easier for them. I'd pay to not attend a nephew's wedding so I am biased on this one.

The golden brother who can do no wrong, whose absence is always excused is now beyond redemption. It's been so long it's not funny and I go out of my way not to mention him. Not a visit, letter, card or phone call since she went into the home six months ago. I did consider whether SIL had not told him of the move out of spite but she said she sent him a text. That tells you all you need to know about what a close family they are.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere MIL had covid just after Christmas. She was confined to her room and mad as hell but not actually ill, they only way they knew was because they tested everyone. I hope that your mum's experience is similarly uneventful.

[quote Fantasea]@ChiswickFlo thank you Xx. Silly me, I presumed you lived the closest! Thinking of you tomorrow evening and hope it goes well Xx.[/quote]
Thank you x

@ChiswickFlo thank you Xx. Silly me, I presumed you lived the closest! Thinking of you tomorrow evening and hope it goes well Xx.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere fingers crossed for your mum.

Email pulling out has been sent. I just said due to unforseen circumstances which is true because we couldn't forsee that mum wouldn't be invited but given the timing it wouldn't take much intelligence to work out.

My cousins daughter and new husband did what your dd is doing for simular reasons and it was lovely x

That is so sad. We have a whole raft of people who would Grandma sit if only mum could come - my friend even suggested doing a dry run beforehand to see if we could take her out and about but she has deteriorated too much.

And we have just heard that there is a Covid outbreak in the nursing home. Mum is currently one of 12 residents being tested with symptoms - sore throat and a cough - after two confirmed cases at the weekend.

Decision made. DB1 is onboard with not inviting mum so DB2 and I are not going. It puts us in an impossible position with mum if we do. If we aren't going we don't need to mention it and we don't need to lie about what we are doing that weekend. All mum would do is bore people to death telling them.thd same story over and over again and they could have put her on a table with me and DB2.

@gelert5619 that book is brilliant. It is written with so much compassion whilst still expressing the stresses we have. I was hooked from the start when he wrote about trying to get his "piglet" into her seat in the cinema.

@Countrygirl99 that is so sad. We know my mum won't be able to get to my daughter's wedding next year - doubly incontinent, needs a hoist to move her etc - but my daughter desperately wants Gma to see her in her wedding dress so the plan is at the moment that she and her fiance (or husband as he will be by then of course) will visit her after the honeymoon with her in her wedding dress and will take cake and sparkling fruit juice and we will tell mum that as she could not come to the church the reception has come to her. She won't know the date so she won't realise that she has missed it. She has always said that she wants to live to see all her grandchildren married and it breaks my daughter's heart to know that her Grandma won't be in the church.

I'm meeting with them tomorrow evening...
That'll be fun

Closer to her

[quote Fantasea]@ChiswickFlo my golden sister phones Mum on her morning dog walk so that's her all done and dusted for the day. Mum lives independently and thinks the sun shines from her even though she hasn't made the hour's journey to visit for months, constantly making excuses for her, she has a job (pt) and children and is just so so busy all the time. I totally get what you mean about being the 'expendable' one, this is how I feel. I live round the corner so am Mum's shopper, driver, secretary, computer-fixer, workmen finder, therapist and general punchbag and it thoroughly gets me down. What really hurts is that although I'm on chemotherapy, my sister is perfectly at peace with me shouldering it alone. My treatment means that I'm CEV and so can't go to cafes and restaurants, even though I've got 'loads of time as I don't WORK' get Mum uses this as another stick to beat me with. The ladies on here have given me the strength to restrict my contact with her to the days of my choosing and often she's on her own all day and often reminds me that she 'hasn't spoken to anyone since xxxx' but my sister could take her out occasionally but chooses not to. I really feel for you with your DM, it isn't fair at all and you can't do everything, yet somehow everyone thinks you can and are totally fine with that. Sending hugs .

@gelert5619 thank you for the book suggestion, I've been looking for a book like this for ages, so I'll order one later. My DM also has appalling hygiene, she does no housework that I can see, her food hygiene has always been shocking and she often has food-stained clothes. I only use the bathroom in a dire emergency, then wipe my hands on my trousers in preference to one of her towels and don't get me started on her tea-towels omg. I help her with grocery shopping and really struggle with how she can make the 6 pack of loo rolls she bought before Christmas last until now and still counting, it doesn't bear thinking about.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, that's awful, how upsetting for you Xx[/quote]
That's so crap, I'm sorry x
The laugh is my siblings live over yo her than I do!
Please please concentrate on your own health and recovery x

@countrygirl99 that’s dreadful, I’m sorry. And just generally dreadful wedding etiquette, IMO! You don’t not invite grandparents, unless the wedding is truly tiny and informal. Cousins, even aunts and uncles, should all go from the list before grandparents do.

@ChiswickFlo my golden sister phones Mum on her morning dog walk so that's her all done and dusted for the day. Mum lives independently and thinks the sun shines from her even though she hasn't made the hour's journey to visit for months, constantly making excuses for her, she has a job (pt) and children and is just so so busy all the time. I totally get what you mean about being the 'expendable' one, this is how I feel. I live round the corner so am Mum's shopper, driver, secretary, computer-fixer, workmen finder, therapist and general punchbag and it thoroughly gets me down. What really hurts is that although I'm on chemotherapy, my sister is perfectly at peace with me shouldering it alone. My treatment means that I'm CEV and so can't go to cafes and restaurants, even though I've got 'loads of time as I don't WORK' get Mum uses this as another stick to beat me with. The ladies on here have given me the strength to restrict my contact with her to the days of my choosing and often she's on her own all day and often reminds me that she 'hasn't spoken to anyone since xxxx' but my sister could take her out occasionally but chooses not to. I really feel for you with your DM, it isn't fair at all and you can't do everything, yet somehow everyone thinks you can and are totally fine with that. Sending hugs .

@gelert5619 thank you for the book suggestion, I've been looking for a book like this for ages, so I'll order one later. My DM also has appalling hygiene, she does no housework that I can see, her food hygiene has always been shocking and she often has food-stained clothes. I only use the bathroom in a dire emergency, then wipe my hands on my trousers in preference to one of her towels and don't get me started on her tea-towels omg. I help her with grocery shopping and really struggle with how she can make the 6 pack of loo rolls she bought before Christmas last until now and still counting, it doesn't bear thinking about.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, that's awful, how upsetting for you Xx

@countrygirl99 that is awful. I hope your DB has strong words with his son, you do not leave out grandparents, dementia or not!

@ChiswickFlo sorry your siblings are being so crap, I really hope they step up and you get a break.

DM is still in hospital, 2 weeks since her fall. She has been medically cleared for discharge but it is taking an age for the referral to go though to the care home where she will be having respite care. She's actually looking forward to it (she says anything to get off the ward) so I'm really hoping she settles there and we can look at making it permanent. I chose the home, it is semi rural with a stunning garden and her room overlooks the countryside. It had a lovely homely feel to it and is privately owned. Not super swish like some around but I think she will like it. She will have 4-6 weeks paid for by the NHS IF they ever get around to approving the placement! It is so frustrating, I feel in complete limbo. The CH have been lovely and kept the room for her. Hoping something happens tomorrow.

Absolutely fuming (in true mimsnet style!) with DB1 and his DS today. Nephew is getting married, apparently mum isn't invited. They told DB2 it's numbers due to cost but I'm sure it's because they don't want to be embarrassed by someone with dementia. DB2 only found out by accident otherwise we wouldn't have known and we would have been talking about it to her beforehand, she loves a wedding and god knows we need conversation topics. She will be devastated and she and dad used to look after DBs children after school a lot. Trying to work out how best to approach this because I'm not prepared to tell mum I'm going and upset her and I'm not prepared to lie about what I'm doing that weekend either.

Hi everyone, I really feel for all of you, some episodes are very familiar but being a live in carer for MIL was more psychologically gruelling due to her being very controlling, OCD and appalling hygiene, both personal and in the home.
A book made it easier to understand/bear :- The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott. I found it practical, supportive and amusing, he was a carer himself.
I have it on my kindle/mobile, which was easier to read discretely. Another book I've recently found is :- What I Wish People Knew about Dementia From Someone Who Knows by Wendy Mitchell. I don't yet have anyone close with Dementia/Alzheimers, but the article in The Oldie was just so riveting and insightful that I've now got it on my kindle/mobile too in readiness for the future.
Sending everyone cream teas/+- champagne all round.x