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Elderly parents
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Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

988 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/03/2022 08:54

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
notaflyingmonkey · 07/04/2022 10:03

I going to be brutal here Chiswick, but for every gap you fill, every bit of slack you pick up 'for now', it will increase tenfold. If you are tired now, it will only get worse. And that is not sustainable.

You have to protect yourself in all of this, and be the daughter, not the carer. If that means things go to absolute shit when she is discharged, then maybe that's what needs to happen for the care she needs to be put in place. Your siblings are being dicks so it sounds like you don't have much to lose with them.

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 09:09

@countrygirl99

That's not good
No. I think things are going to get bad tbh. Mum will never, ever criticise them so I guess my only choice is do I pull back completely? Hand over all responsibility to them? I'm so tired I don't do paid work (I had to give up my pt job due to mums health issues) and I turned down 2 pt jobs last year alone as I just couldn't see how I'd cope I can't understand how my life is considered so much more expendable than theirs? My sisters bad choices are not my problem My brothers lack of care is not my problem
ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 09:01

I've sent another e mail asking for a reply ASAP as I think they may even discharge her today

Fun times

countrygirl99 · 07/04/2022 09:00

That's not good

ChiswickFlo · 07/04/2022 08:45

Well.
No replies but my brother has left our WhatsApp chat group...

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 20:19

Not the same GP, but are in the same practice and they don't have 'named GP ' there so that should help. We have asked them to also raise a safeguarding concern, they apparently had to have dad say he was scared of mum before they could do that.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2022 20:00

I'm glad at least it's on his record Light and the GP knows the score (do they have the same GP?)

OhPleaseJustLast · 06/04/2022 19:59

Could you heavily suggest to the GP that they also raise a safeguarding concern? I think it was the fact that the safeguarding concern came from the police in my case that tipped the balance with adult social services - god knows nobody cared three months previously when I raised one because my dad was wandering the streets in the rain.

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 19:47

We got dad to the GP yesterday, he finally admitted that mum is doing this all the time, though up to now it's been filthy language aimed at him inside the house. Their friends have started to comment that she seems very angry with him. He disclosed to the Dr that he finds the swearing distressing as she never ever used swear words before, but his way of dealing with it is to tell her not to swear, that it's not nice etc which just makes it worse. Will have to see what adult services say , I raised a safeguarding concern with them and nobody has come back to me.

notaflyingmonkey · 06/04/2022 19:30

Just checking in to pass the gin around (with a generous hand).

And to say that I noticed someone upthread saying about sitting in car parks crying. I thought that was just something I did - I seem to be so task driven, that if I don't get out of the car immediately on turning the engine off - that's it, I will sit and weep.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2022 19:06

I know it's double the work Light but what about taking your dad to the GP? A check up wouldn't be a bad idea after that.

MadameFantabulosa · 06/04/2022 19:01

I’ve been to see my Mum today. The conversation always follows the same subjects and the same order:

Who has died
Funerals attended and the quality of the food and drink
Who is ill/in hospital
Who she has fallen out with
The bins
The shopping bus
What was on offer in Asda

I wanted to take her out out, into town or a pub along the river, but she didn’t want to go. We ended up having lunch in the same village pub that we always go to. But it gave her the opportunity to fill in the owner on who has died recently, so she was quite pleased about that.

OhPleaseJustLast · 06/04/2022 18:48

Oh that sounds very hard @Lightuptheroom. I had a similar situation but in reverse. My dad, with dementia, pushed my mum, who was his carer, over. In my experience it was the safeguarding referral to adult social services that was the most effective of the many steps I had to take to get help. It sounds like both your mum and your dad need help. In your situation I would possibly make a safeguarding referral to adult social services regarding your dad, however, that would depend a bit on whether that is what he wants. So tough, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 18:48

@Lightuptheroom

Hi, I seem to have joined the 'bad daughter club' after my mum decided to try and attack my dad at the weekend. We've witnessed for a while that her language towards him was getting more and more aggressive and that she was starting to use the same language in front of friends (this always involves a lot of swearing when she would never swear previously) anyway, Sunday she tried to punch him. I took him to my sister's but he wouldn't stay there. He returned home and she continues the very aggressive language. What on earth can we do? He's physically disabled but doesn't require help with personal care. At the moment anything he does winds her up massively and she keeps saying she's not looking after him anymore. She told me on Sunday that I could take him away permanently as she was getting a job and he could go into a home! Along with many expletives. We've managed to get her a Dr's appointment, but not until next week and it's very unlikely that she would agree to anyone going with her as apparently we all want to see her in the 'funny farm' the GP won't discuss anything with us at all. I'm terrified that we're going to get a phone call that she's attacked him... What can we do? I'm 3 hours away, sister is 2 hours away, brothers are very much of the golden child chocolate teapot variety... Just where do we turn from here?
Oh gawd What an awful situation I agree re: adult SS
Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2022 18:42

Ie DF, not DM!

Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/04/2022 18:41

@LightuptheroomI’m so sorry you find yourself in this position. I’d start by calling adult social services in the area and telling them you’re concerned about a vulnerable adult.

Lightuptheroom · 06/04/2022 18:24

Hi, I seem to have joined the 'bad daughter club' after my mum decided to try and attack my dad at the weekend. We've witnessed for a while that her language towards him was getting more and more aggressive and that she was starting to use the same language in front of friends (this always involves a lot of swearing when she would never swear previously) anyway, Sunday she tried to punch him. I took him to my sister's but he wouldn't stay there. He returned home and she continues the very aggressive language. What on earth can we do? He's physically disabled but doesn't require help with personal care. At the moment anything he does winds her up massively and she keeps saying she's not looking after him anymore. She told me on Sunday that I could take him away permanently as she was getting a job and he could go into a home! Along with many expletives.
We've managed to get her a Dr's appointment, but not until next week and it's very unlikely that she would agree to anyone going with her as apparently we all want to see her in the 'funny farm' the GP won't discuss anything with us at all.
I'm terrified that we're going to get a phone call that she's attacked him... What can we do? I'm 3 hours away, sister is 2 hours away, brothers are very much of the golden child chocolate teapot variety... Just where do we turn from here?

OnthePiste · 06/04/2022 18:20

Great news @countrygirl99 so pleased for you and DM.

Well I got the much awaited call today to say that funding had been approved for DM's respite care at the CH I chose and she would be going tomorrow. Then this afternoon I got another call from the ward to say that someone had tested positive so the ward is now in isolation for 5 days! So gutted for mum, no visitors, nothing to do..she's bored stiff. I've sent a pile of magazines and papers in but not really sure she takes it in anymore. Such a shame.. just got to hope she remains negative now.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 17:52

I know what their replies will be...
They won't give up part of a day each weekend. I know they won't.
So that's awkward.
I'll have to tell mum that she'll have to phone them in an emergency....?
And tbh mum will probably support them in that attitude
Sigh

countrygirl99 · 06/04/2022 17:45

DB1 was very defensive. The invites were sent out when dad wax around and too frail to go and mum wouldn't have wanted to leave him etc. & nobody would want to look after her anyway. Typical of him that he thinks he knows what other people want/is best for them better than they do themselves. So DB2 has given up his space and we are taking her.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 17:44

Well....e mail sent! 😬
Let the shitfest begin...💩

Mum was sat in a chair today but seemed a bit confused a couple of times.

I'm so tired 😫

Fantasea · 06/04/2022 17:27

@countrygirl99 great news, you must be so pleased!

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 06/04/2022 17:17

@countrygirl99 Great news! So pleased for her. And for you. No one is going to be embarrassed/annoyed by an elderly lady who needs support. I'm so glad that they have seen sense.

ChiswickFlo · 06/04/2022 16:51

@countrygirl99

Mum is going to the wedding 😊.
Great news
countrygirl99 · 06/04/2022 16:43

Mum is going to the wedding 😊.