Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

OhPlease I'm so sorry to hear it. TBH the manager of the home should be your ally. I wonder if they've considered CHC funding? They could at least try. That should be for them to do , not you.

Just dropping in to say hi to you all and sorry for all you are having to deal with. Ploughing on with chemo…. 5 more to go fingers crossed….
Dm doing ok so far cross fingers…..

I’m just so tired, and frankly, despite this situation clearly not being ideal, just glad I’m not having to drive 30 miles to deal with an ambulance and police because he’s pushed my mum over. I want him to be safe and looked after, but I need the people who are supposedly the experts in this to do their sodding jobs and tell me what needs to happen for a change, instead of vice versa.

We’re self funding at the moment, although the money is due to run out in a few months. So I guess if 1:1 was needed we’d need to pay? God, this whole process is insane. Social services have already told me that when the money runs out they might have to move him as it’s too expensive, even though I specifically chose that home because it’s one they use that they told me to choose so he wouldn’t have to move. I’m wondering if it might be for the best though and everyone might just spot it as a convenient opportunity to call time on what clearly isn’t working.

Ask the manager of the home what they said to social services - it may not be exactly the same as what social services report it as. And ask the home if they have applied for funding for 1:1 staffing. Allegedly the first home my mum was in did get short term funding for this, but it wasn't exactly skilled - it was someone sitting in the doorway to prevent her leaving. Most of them sat either watching her without interacting or on their phone :( I don't blame them for not being skilled and I doubt that my mum was at all nice to them but at the same time she was traumatised by the whole experience. I was tearing my hair out trying to get there every day for a visit while working full time and it was all an utter nightmare. She still fell a few times, and was constantly wet as she refused to cooperate with any washing or continence care. They did eventually get her to take some medication prescribed by the mental health team which improved things slightly but it was the manager of the home saying very definitely that they could not meet her needs that changed things.

@PermanentTemporary I think the mobility is the issue, frankly, looking at the other residents. They’re used to people staying where they are put. My df has language difficulties too.

Might give the social worker a call tomorrow, if I get the chance. He called me randomly the other day to tell me that he’d spoken to the home, but they still thought they could meet df’s needs. Given I wasn’t aware there was any implication they couldn’t, and he was calling me totally unprompted, I suspect that means they actually can’t. Pfff.

But I imagine it's a staffing issue?

You can promise the moon on a stick but if you haven't got the staff...?

@OhPleaseJustLast my experience was that the 'specialist dementia home' my dm went to was totally unable to cope with my very mobile and determined but 3 minute memory and language difficulties dm. On the positive side, the home saying they could not cope and getting the mental health team involved was the key to her going to a much more appropriate place. It was utter hell for her and us while she was in the first home.

My df moved to a specialist dementia care home recently. They specifically market themselves as providing for ‘the whole journey’, ie. he wouldn’t have to move when he got worse. So someone please tell me that I’m not being unreasonable to be irritated at being told he’s causing them problems because of his behaviours which, I’m sorry, can’t be unique to him and seem pretty damn normal to me for someone with dementia? Wandering at night, wandering into other people’s rooms, leaving his stuff there (sometimes his clothes 🙈). They’re apparently waiting for the CPN to advise them about how to deal with it, but I’m not being funny, but it seems obvious to me that he needs more supervision?

Could your mum not swap to the later slot that they are looking to create, 3-4.30 or whatever it is going to be?

That's what we've suggested. It appears that they have a glut of new clients all wanting the same late afternoon slot.

With the best will in the world, I don't really see how that trumps my mum's needs as a long standing client. I strongly suspect Flo is correct in assuming they have a client who wants to spend more money with them, but the amount of pressure this person is applying is ridiculous - she's spoken to mum directly as well as me.

Imagine if this was someone who was trying to arrange their own care being treated like this?

@notaflyingmonkey I'm still having that dream four months after mum died. In my dream there's only me that knows that this miraculous improvement (lovely though it is) won't last and then we'll be back at the beginning again but this time it will be worse because I know what is ahead.

This is my first week not seeing MIL (other than all those weeks where the home was closed to visitors). I've got a bit bored with making a fifty minute round trip for a fifteen minute visit. I'm not there for my benefit and if she'd rather be in the lounge then I'm going to skip every other week so we can both get on with doing the things we'd rather be doing. I think she's unlikely to spot the difference as she's not very anchored in time at the moment.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty Does it not have some fluff on their website about putting the client's first or being responsive to client's needs or some such? It's always rewarding to quote their own words back at them. Could your mum not swap to the later slot that they are looking to create, 3-4.30 or whatever it is going to be?

Managed to see DM in the new care home yesterday for the first time in a month. Well that was a depressing experience. I said to DD that I think I would prefer prison - same kind of set up, but free.

Am having the recurring dream where I go to see her and she is fine, totally well, can walk, talk, eat and drink perfectly normally and asks me to take her home.

I've had to put any personal feelings aside as I genuinely don't feel the change is fair or in mum's best interests (or mine, tbh).

L has been very much behaving himself for several months now and we're back to the stage where his visits are more positive than negative.

Quite apart from anything else, it's the principle of it...

Call me a cynic but it'll be about money...

They'll have a new client who wants far more slots than your mum...

I have to say I've had my eyes opened in recent years how the non rich elderly are treated

@ChiswickFlo

I'm starting to have a lot more empathy which all the things elderly people have to cope with recently...I think Mum being genuinely more vulnerable since she hurt her knee has made me see things a bit differently.

Have now had a message from the agency saying that they will leave things as they are for this Wednesday and be in touch later in the week about regular arrangements....

I would dearly love to tell them where to stuff their regular arrangements. The thing is, we've generally been quite flexible with the previous change and other one-off alterations, yet when mum wanted to move her slot a while back they refused as the person before/after her 'wouldn't budge' on her timeslot, so why they are putting so much pressure on us I haven't a clue.

Its not fair to mess around vulnerable elderly people like this.

Hope Wednesday goes well x

Just took mum for her covid booster (which I had to cancel last week)
She really struggled with the walk from the car to the pharmacy....the bloody main road is closed due to resurfacing.

Sigh.

I've spoken to someone else at the local office who who is going speak to person 1 and try and sort something out.

Mum's a feisty old bird but her cognitive function is definitely declining which is a worry and I think she's beginning to realise so she's feeling more vulnerable than usual and she's really anxious and upset because nothing is confirmed, not even this week.

I'm having a coil fitted on Wednedsay and starting HRT so the last thing I need is to be having to worry about mum/deal with hysterics.

We've been getting on so much better lately I actually feel really protective of her.

I think they are behaving appallingly minty

Is MintyMum willing to risk them following through and switching her to another member of staff? Not that I think this would be a bad idea at all, two faces, two different sets of conversations and if one of them leaves she still has some continuity with the other. If so I'd be going with No, definitely no, don't ask again, send someone else to meet the contracted hours at the agreed time or confirm that you are unable to provide staff for the agreed hours.

Mum absolutely doesn't want to do this. She doesn't sleep well so likes to be able to able to go at her own pace in the morning, potter about and get her chores done and enjoys having company in the afternoon to break the day up.

That says it all, she has to choose whether she'd rather have L at the wrong time or someone else at the right time. No-one can choose this for her, she has to decide for herself. If they aren't able to provide care at the hours agreed is there another agency locally who could? It would be a shame if she had to take her custom elsewhere..

We're having a absolute nightmare with the acre company.

Mum currently has L alternate weeks 11-1 and 12.30-3.30. He originally was 12.30-2.30 on the short week but we changed at their request about a year ago, even though mum really doesn't like the earlier time.

They've now asked if we will change the alternate weeks to a 11.30 - 2.30 slot so they can accommodate a new client after mum.

Mum absolutely doesn't want to do this. She doesn't sleep well so likes to be able to able to go at her own pace in the morning, potter about and get her chores done and enjoys having company in the afternoon to break the day up.

We've explained this, and that I have made my arrangements around the existing hours but they are refusing to take no for an answer.

After a convo on Friday with the local person who basically tried to emotionally blackmail and threaten us into agreeing with their request (our carers need to earn money to pay their bills. L has said to mum on multiple occasions he likes not having another client after her that week. The other was "well it's a shame if your mum won't be flexible as she might lose L is we have to change the shifts".

I phoned the head office, absolutely fuming, who came back with a load of excuses.

Today I had a call from local bod again which I didn't answer, followed by an email reiterating the changes they want to put in place this Wednesday!

I've replied that we can't make changes this week as I'm having a medical procedure on Wednesday but will speak to mum again and see if we can't come to some arrangement by the 27th.

Mum is so distressed by all this to-ing and fro-ing. She's been crying her eyes out this morning and although L has been a thorn in my side I think the agency are behaving appallingly.

It's not unusual for an elderly person to struggle to cope with change, plus it's dad's birthday this week and the anniversary next month so she's more fragile than usual.

AIBU to dig my heels in? I feel like raising it with the CQC tbh.

I think I'm going to ask for preventative antibiotics for mum to take with us just in case...

Sorted.
For £250.

Try Age UK website I'm sure they have advice/recommendations

I've found one which quoted me £900...

Current problem is finding somewhere that will unsure mum for the trip to Dublin...
Sigh