Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Oh god, I'm sorry.
How awful.
Can you convince your dad?

Things are getting very difficult with my parents. My DF was referred 'fast track' for a procedure. The appointment came through, my sister has arranged to take him. We all then get told that he's not having it done as my mum has told him that he will die, she wants nothing to do with it and he will have to sort himself out... When we've tried to discuss it calmly, my sister and I have both been called 'ignorant bitches' by DM.

Hopefully:)

I feel your pain! And your anxiety about going away. But the more I don't want to do something the more I find I enjoy it. Hopefully you will find the same.

I'm not excited tbh...I'm getting a bit anxious about it actually. Hoping flights run OK but there seems to be lots of disruption atm.

It was all dhs bloody idea but I'll be the be dealing with everything if there's a problem.

Taking mum food shopping later today which is always fun...

Mum: I don't want anything with cream or meat in
(Picks up spaghetti carbonara and puts in trolley)
Me: mum, that's got meat and cream in it
Mum: shrugs and walks off
🤷‍♀️😬🙄

Sigh...

That sounds exciting. We always found we were treated like royalty with mum in her wheelchair. When we went to Disneyland they would call us from the queue in the restaurant and find a table for us and we had so much help on the trains etc. I hope you have a wonderful time.

The hotel have a wheelchair we can borrow so that's that sorted.

Super lightweight overhead airline locker bags bought for us all.

6 weeks today. Eeek.

Glad it went better than expected x

Told mum I'm going to hire a wheelchair for 2 days of the trip.

She seemed OK with it. Said better to have and not need it than not have it and need one.

She seemed a bit out of it earlier. Kept repeating questions...also forgot what the plans were for the trip (which as you can imagine have been discussed many times and at length...)

I might pop down and see how she is shortly.

My sister (after 2 Sundays visiting mum) is "busy" this sunday. That didn't last very long 🙄

Glad to hear you had a better visit @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and good that she managed to engage with you. Sounds like tempting her with sweet treats is the way to go! Thank you for your kind words and advice today and to @Knotaknitter too.

It seems surreal not having the phone ringing non stop, not having to worry if she has fallen again and not been able to call for help. We took a trip up to Kew gardens today and it was so lovely not to be interrupted! I really do need this time out to recharge before we decide what to do next. As Knot said, I'm not going to think about it for now and enjoy the silence!

Just back from visiting and was pleasantly surprised. From what my uncle said yesterday I thought she was on her last legs but she was ok. She seems to have lost the ability to feed herself. I took some little puddings that she has always enjoyed and I fed one to her and she seemed to really enjoy it. I suggested that my friend should fill us in with the news of her family and mum said straight away "I want to know about J and ....." She was interested but it is as though there is insufficient charge in her battery to keep her going. The light will come on, her eyes focus and she will start a sentence then peter out half way through. Then for 10 minutes or so she is completely blank, no reaction to anything then she switches on again.

She did say "I wish A (my dad) would hurry up and get better so we can go home together" which was a bit of a shock but I would really rather she thought he was in hospital rather than remember that he died.

So all in all much better than I was expecting. They think it will take a week for them to get the results of the blood tests so in limbo for a little while but I definitely didn't get the impression she was dying today.

I just tell mum she needs to be stronger before she can come home. "As soon as you can walk again"

"But of course I can walk - how do you think I get around! And what are all these straps and things under my bum?"

Those are the straps that were on the hoist that lifted you into the chair 5 minutes ago because you can not stand up.

I am visiting this afternoon and taking a little trifle and a spoon to see if she will eat it. I just feel that history is repeating itself, just like with my dad. It could be depression but I worry that it is something more. I hate waiting for results from tests. My mind goes into overdrive.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry to ready about your mum.it is so hard.
@ChiswickFlo booking a wheelchair is a really good idea- wold she contemplate one of those walkers with a seat built in? Thanks for the good wishes.
@OnthePiste the care home sounds great. The until you’re better line is useful.
and as @knot so wisely puts it, use this respite time.
hope everyone else is doing as well as possible. Sunshine help.

I wouldn't worry now about what happens at the end of the six weeks, enjoy this moment of respite and dodge the question. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. I'd be stressing that it's very rare that you get something for free and stressing the benefits of a social life versus spending twenty hours alone. Mum had a bath in her first week, she'd not been able to get in the bath in years. I spent the first couple of months terrified that I'd be faced with the question about going home but she dropped that really quickly. I thought a sentence ahead and avoided mentioning houses or gardens but mum quickly came to think that she worked there and told me about all the jobs she'd done and the trips out to B&Q for supplies. She had her dominant arm in a cast so would have struggled even with four care visits a day but the reason for the move was that after three weeks in hospital she didn't recognise her home of sixty years and didn't feel safe in it. Initially I was beside myself with guilt, if I'd given up my life and moved back in then she would have been happy but I wouldn't. I couldn't get carers for enough day time hours and she was crying on the phone while I was still in the car on my way home. She thought she was in some strange place and the staff had all gone, would I come and take her home?

After a few months her speech started to slip away and it was clear even to me that there was no way at all she could live independently. That made it easier, there really was no alternative.

My first post vanished @OnthePiste so this is a cut and paste job, please excuse any formatting errors.

Finally got my second negative LF test so was able to visit mum for the first time in the CH. She was pretty complementary about it, enthusing about the entertainment and the food. Said she had made some friends. However, she definitely thinks she will be going home and was getting ready to come with me when I left. For those who have/had parents reluctantly in permanent placements, did you tell them that they were staying there or do you still do the "just until you are well enough" type line? @Knotaknitter @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere @notaflyingmonkey

I'm really impressed with the home. The staff are lovely, the other residents all seem friendly and it has the most beautiful gardens. I would love her to stay there-I guess it comes down to whether she has capacity at the end of the 6 weeks free care as to what happens then.

I'm going to contact the hotel and ask of they can source a rental wheelchair or give me info on where I can do it.

I'm not going to tell mum but it'll be there if she needs it (which tbh she may).

I don't want to be running around once there trying to sort it.

If she is depressed that could explain the lack of eating and wanting to sleep all the time?

I hit send too soon. Things aren't looking too good with my mum. She was on Sertraline for about a month but since stopping that she hasn't really got back to where she was before. She just wants to sleep, doesn't want to eat. They called the doctor today to do blood tests. I just see her like my dad - he stopped eating and wanted to sleep all day and it turned out he had cancer. Within a fortnight of his diagnosis he was gone.

[quote IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]@ChiswickFlo would it be possible for you to hire/borrow/buy a wheelchair?[/quote]
I'd like to but mum refuses to consider it...

I'll see how she is nearer the time...she's got 6 weeks to get stronger/better before we go.

We are going to ask for assistance at the airports which she has agreed to.

I wonder if the hotel/museums had ones you can borrow?

Sorry, I realise I sound utterly dense but it's new territory for me :(

@onewildandpreciouslife yes he does have capacity but has always been very "my way or the highway" and there is a bit of FOG going on. But DH did tell him today that if he wants people to help him he needs to behave or they won't which he wouldn't have done a few years ago.

@ChiswickFlo would it be possible for you to hire/borrow/buy a wheelchair?

@countrygirl99 does FIL have capacity? If so why is his sulking and swearing being tolerated? I feel really sorry for your DH, but boundaries are healthy

Mum came with me and ds2 today to town for some shopping (yet more sandals she doesn't need...)

She had to keep sitting down. Like every 10 minutes.

I'm not sure how much we will be able to do on the holiday :(

Mum has never done any activities unless they were social and doesn't have any hobbies that can occupy her at home. Now she is reliant on lifts as her ability to remember what day it is makes taxi booking a nightmare, they turn up and she insists it isn't the day booked for when it is. Only a couple of her friends still drive and they phone ahead to remind her what day it is. If she was into a craft or stamp collecting or whatever, even going for a walk she wouldn't be reliant on other people quite do much.
Poor DH hastaken his dad to an oncology appointment today and was tearing his hair out before they got there. Arrived to pick him up, allowed time to have a cup of coffee with MIL, then when they were due to leave someone arrived to cut his hair. FIL was insisting it only takes10 minutes to get there. Well, yes, providing you don't need to park in the multi storey and then walk to the other end of the hospital using a waking frame and there were road works. So FIL sulked because DH told him they needed to leave in 5 minutes. DH dropped him at the front door to wait while he parked tosave time and FILs legs but he was sulking and told DH to "fuck off, I'll get a taxi home". So DH parked up then went to find him. I'm waitingto hear from. DH but I know they were late to the appointment despite DH allowing for an extra half hour.

I've noticed that my DM talks a lot about her DM when I visit, which I guess is that thing about their mind taking them back to a time when they felt safe and looked after.

I took in a digital photo frame, loaded with pics of her family, us when we were young etc. Not sure if that will be a comfort for her or not.

She is incapable of using the call button in the CH. And I suspect they are v short staffed, so am not sure how much time the carers can spend with her in her room. Which has led to her feeling that she is being neglected, so she taps out SOS in Morse code on pretty much anything she can.