Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@MintyCedricRidesAgain It is unlikely that your daughter will be able to take her car to university, spaces are often only available for disabled students. That's three years where it will be sitting about depreciating for half the year. Has she thought about that? She needs to look carefully at insurance, some of the black box schemes have an early curfew that is not compatible with a bar job (or going out on the town which is exactly the point of it). Insurance for learners is expensive, for new drivers it is eye watering. If she looks at whether she can afford insurance once she's passed her test it might knock the idea on the head. The car could well cost less than the insurance and let's not talk about fuel costs. Her first job is to come up with a budget and see if she can afford it, that comes before looking at cars.

@exexpat 15 years...and the loss of your sister too...that's brutal 😓.

At the moment if I'm not having to explain/repeat stuff to mum ad infinitum, or listen to her banal witterings about a range of subjects that I have no interest in and have sweet fa to do with her, I've got DD wanging on.

Tbf I'm very lucky, she's an amazing kid and we get on well, but she's very determined and that sometimes has a knock on impact as I often end up being dragged along/into things. She's just been offered an amazing work experience opportunity in London in a couple of months so I will need to help her sort out accommodation (hopefully with BIL & SIL)...it's also the week before I go away.

She is desperate to have a car to practice in and her own to drive by the time she goes back to college in September, assuming she passes her test, so is banging on about that relentlessly...wanting me to look at cars, insurance etc (she does it herself but obviously I wouldn't just rely on that).

She's got exams next week so I'm taxiing her a couple of those days as buses have been unreliable lately.

Then there's all the usual teenage shenanigans...oh and the 3 weekends on the trot of uni open days in June which XH had absolved himself of any input into.

The cottage I'm going to for my hols has great WiFi but no phone reception (or at least it didn't last time). I cannot bloody wait!

just dropping in to say hello- good to see so many old friends here but sorry you are still all having so much to deal with.
last chemo next week before a breather then on to radiotherapy….. fortunately dm is still going propped up by carers who are being great.
Sending good wishes to all.

Minty, you ask "Is it awful that I can't help fantasising thinking about the possibility that mum will not be here by the time DD goes to uni next year, and I might actually be able to breathe for the first time in years?".

No, it's not awful, it is perfectly understandable given everything you have been through and what your mother is still doing to you, with the prospect of worse to come if she really is on a downward slide with her memory and ability to cope alone.

I have to admit that I have similar thoughts: the last 15 years of my life have been dominated by the needs of two elderly, disabled, frequently hospitalised and increasingly dependent parents, as well as bringing up two children on my own. DF died last year; I hoped that things might get easier this year once DM moved into a sheltered flat, but she only managed a few weeks there before ending up in hospital, and is now in a short-stay rehab unit awaiting cancer surgery, and needier than ever. She would rather be dead, and says so almost every time I see her, but sadly for her the cancer is not a generally aggressive type - just painful and undignified for her. I can't help feeling that the best possible outcome for both her and me would be for another stroke or heart attack (she has had both before) to carry her off before she has to cope with surgery and the aftermath.

Teenage DD meanwhile is doing every possible thing a teenager can do to muck up her own life, so the prospect of her managing to get to university any time soon looks slim. I am a lone parent (widowed), and my sister died a few years ago so it is all on me. Someone on another thread described a similar situation as being the 'family shock absorber', and that rang a lot of bells for me - I am sure it does to you too.

The one thing keeping me sane at the moment is regularly running away to visit DP, who handily lives several hours away on the other side of the country with hardly any phone reception, so when I am there, no one else can demand anything of me.

@Knotaknitter I did point out to her that if she had a carer staying overnight she wouldn't expect them to do it for free so it was a bit of a most point.

I don't particularly mind the overnights tbh, although they will stop once I'm working again.

I just hope the freelance job comes off...it sounds promising but they're a small family owned and run company so are needing to sort out the logistics. I've applied for several other very part time roles that I could fit around/alongside it, and have 2 full time applications in and another couple to apply for.

In the meantime have made a start on blitzing my garden in the hope we actually get a summer this year!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain that's easy, don't stop over on Thursdays then. Whatever you did, it wouldn't be enough and as long as she has you on that financial leash she's going to keep tugging it.

There is a market for a handyman service, I go to a craft group once a week where just about everyone is widowed. Those of us who were carried about by their husbands would love someone to cover little jobs like putting a shelf up or fixing up a new curtain rail. Safety equipment is nice but having jobs done is nicer.

@TheIoWfairy Idk how you would get a copy of the lpa that you are attorney for, I'd ring the office of the public guardian and ask. I would think that it's really common that the paperwork is put in a safe place that's so safe that it can't be found.

Hi All.

Haven't posted for a while as nothing new to report but just wanted to check in and wish all the best to everyone dealing with crap and congratulate those that are getting on a more even keel.

After we had our car accident at the beginning of March, things seemed to mellow out between me and mum, but the last couple of weeks have been trying again. There is definitely some cognitive decline and I think she's realising and taking her fear/frustration out on me.

She struggles to complete her online shopping without help every week now, although she's been doing it for years. If something goes awry with that or anything else she either 'doesn't know what's happened' or blames someone else.

She was insisting the other day that I haven't pulled my weight relative to the financial help she has been giving me (she doesn't count the overnight stays on Thursday as part of my 'hours' as we're asleep). Meanwhile I pointed out during a debate with DD at the beginning of the week that I always put her first and she replied 'no you don't, you put nan first most of the time' so that made me feel great 🙄😪.

Anyway, I had a meeting with an associate of DDs boss who is interested in me working with their company on a freelance basis. Ironically it's a company that installs handrails and wants to expand jnto other safety products for the elderly! Hopefully I will know what that is going to.look like in the next couple of weeks time and money wise.

My holiday has been whittled down from 15 nights including the Harrogate Crime Writers Festival to just a week in 'my' cottage, but I've set the money aside and am resisting all efforts from mum and DD to convince me otherwise.

Is it awful that I can't help fantasising thinking about the possibility that mum will not be here by the time DD goes to uni next year, and I might actually be able to breathe for the first time in years?

Hello again cockroaches and especially all the other Bad Daughters. I had a lovely Easter break but have been paying for it with lots of snide comments about how lucky I am to have a holiday etc since then. I do try to let it slide over me but I was particularly irritated by the response when I said I wouldn’t be available at her convenience next Saturday because I had a sports game booked - ‘oh, I’m competing with sports now, am I?’. No, actually, I’d rather do something I enjoy!
Mum has the originals for her own POA and has hidden then because she doesn’t remember agreeing to getting them registered 🙄. Not an urgent problem as she would pass any competency test at the moment - but just a sign of unreasonable behaviour and general difficulty as far as I can see.
Does anyone have any experience/advice if I did need to use it urgently - let’s say she became ill (or I accidentally ran her over😱 - only joking 🙃). What’s the process? I have paperwork to verify POA and it’s registered.
Amazingly, my brothers are absolved of all this. They are male and, therefore, must be busy. Grrrr 😖
Any cake on offer to really bad daughters today?

@OnthePiste that's what I am doing currently. Some CH allow people some of their own furniture, so that may be an option, but TBH it is about practicalities, DM's room just isn't big enough for a lot of stuff as she has a v large wheelchair that needs to be manouvered.

So for example I've gone through photo albums and scanned some of the pics in to make a digital photo frame, which seems to have worked out ok.

I live in dread that she will ask me for something that I have binned, and I have a recurring dream that she will one day be cured and want to go home to the house that I have sold.

Sounds familiar @countrygirl99 . I’ve got the POAs in my house. I’ll have to make sure I have copies of other things.
We’ve just had a search for her postal vote for Thursday- she says she’s put it inside the address book. But when I asked her where the address book is she gave me a black diary. She’s had the same big address book for thirty years and is usually very sentimental about it -her late sister bought it for her. But she can’t remember it.

@BestIsWest my brother had to remove all the important documents from mum's house after dad died as she was putting it in all sorts of random places. She was no help finding stuff as she couldn't remember moving it but who else would be putting stuff like pension documents in the fridge, airing cupboard or wardrobe? The only explanation she could think of was dad's carers must have moved them. She got very stressed that she didn't have the docs because "I need to sort everything out". Except we had already sorted everything. In the end he took copies and gave mum her folder back with those in and she was happy and I don't think she had touched them since. But in the meantime I was getting phone calls asking if my youngest son, who lives abroad and hadn't been at home since pre covid, had them.

So Mum has been in respite care for 3 weeks now and seems quite settled which I am surprised about. The staff are absolutely lovely and the other residents seem friendly. Only a few have dementia so it is a bit of a mix which I think is good.

I plucked up the courage to tell mum she couldn't go back home and live on her own. She asked where she would live so I told her it would be a care home, like the one she is currently in. She replied "why can't I just stay here"? I was delighted and the CH have confirmed she can have a permanent place if she wishes and they can meet her needs. The social worker called today and he confirmed that he is putting in his report that she needs residential care. As she has section 117 aftercare from when she was sectioned 2 years ago, we just now need SS to confirm the funding. I hope they will agree to it, the SW knew less than me about how it works!

I've now got to sell her house and decide what to do with all her belongings. Those of you who have done this, did you put their things in storage or get rid of everything that wasn't going to the CH? Seems awful, throwing away all her stuff while she is still alive 😥

@MereDintofPandiculation your post made me cry - in a good way. I think it’s a lovely post.
DM who is in in the reasonable early stages of Alzheimer’s is either in denial about it or forgets she has it most of the time. She lives alone and copes reasonably well so long as I do all the admin/financial stuff and DB does shopping and gardening. But last week she took all the paperwork I’d sorted and filed carefully after DF died out of the cupboard and distributed it around the house for no reason that I can ascertain. Eventually I tracked it all down - one part was in a small cupboard that no one has been able to open for years because the catch is so stiff!
By the end we we were both in tears, me of frustration and her because she didn’t know why she’d done it and knows there is something wrong.
She says every time I go there that she’s been here too long and just wants to be with DF.

Mum wasn't too bad today actually. Not dressed but she's not going anywhere so I didn't push it.
Declined an offer to come here for dinner later I'm relieved...bad daughter bench for me
Taking her food shopping tomorrow which is always fun 😬
I have a new novel to dive onto so that's my afternoon planned

That's a really good idea @MereDintofPandiculation I feel a sense of anxiety/panic when I know I am going to visit mum. I'm usually too churned up to eat before I go so I make sure that there is something nice when I get home - a tv programme I want to see or some small treat. Just to give me something to focus on.

Not sure how but I have just discovered the Dementia/Alzheimer's section of Mumsnet. I realise that Dementia doesn't just affect the elderly and so it needs its own section but would it be helpful to have a link to it on here and vice versa?

I heard yesterday that mum's friend from the 60's who was in the room next to her passed away on Saturday. I am pretty sure that mum won't know when I see her this week but I feel sad that if she does know, if she is unhappy, I won't be able to comfort her.

Hi all 🖐
I hope you've all had an uneventful Bank Holiday weekend.
I'm feeling quite low today.
Going to see mum later after my weekend "off" and the feeling of dread is creeping in. Which I feel guilty about. But it's SO lovely having my weekends back. ...Or it was...
Dh went to see pils yesterday. He came home rather later than expected. I asked him if he was OK and he burst into tears :( My mil is being investigated for parkinsons.
I feel quite odd about it.
Obviously, last night was about supporting dh and I will sort out an appointment for her as requested but...I've been very LC with her for a while now (which good reason..) and I'm feeling sad that I'm going to be sucked back in.
Dh and his brother and fil are pretty useless at medical stuff and just go into panic mode.
Sigh.
I knew she'd declined during covid but obviously hadn't seen her for some time.
I will need to put boundaries in place I think whilst trying to support dh.

I guess what we don't know, Dint, is the level of awareness that they have of their failing mind. For years it didn't really bother DM, as losing her short term memory didn't seem to have much of an impact on her - it just seemed to make her angrier that 'nobody tells me anything'.

Now, I think she is pretty much adrift at sea with her mind, and is living in a bubble of her long term memory - talking about her DM, her faith in God, etc.

DB is able to just go along with these manifestations, whereas I think I found it much harder to accept than he did (but that may be because I saw much ore of her and did the majority of the care stuff, life admin, etc).

I bitterly hate the dementia, as I think it has robbed her of the chance of a dignified end.

Dad turns out to be the amazing invincible man and has staged a fairly amazing come back in the last 24 hours. Sadly my fears of what ‘recovery’ from the brain bleed would look like were somewhat founded, and he’s nowhere near what he was even last week. We’re not out of the woods, but there’s flashes of dad in there. If he recovers enough to go back to the home I doubt wandering around will be an issue any more though :(

Mum is, however, infuriating. I had a heated discussion yesterday with her because she wanted to give notice to the home. I suggested, probably not as diplomatically as I could have done, that she might wait more than 3 days. I felt somewhat vindicated when this morning he was eating and drinking and much more lucid!

What you're describing Hairbrush is actually a lot: your DM is safe and well looked-after and she is in an environment she likes, which you've worked hard to make comfortable and familiar. You've done and are doing what is possible. I am really pleased some of the Covid restrictions are eased and visits can be longer: your DM will be appreciating your visits.

I wish some of the sniffy care-home disapprovers (who have clearly not - yet - come up against the full realities of human physical frailty) could see some of the rooms I glimpse (not able to fully wander round the home as a visitor yet) which have been accessorised with everything the residents' children could find to comfort them: all the love and anxiety and hope is visible in those decorations.

@BinaryDot I feel so often I am choosing between the lesser of two evils. My mum likes her room in the home. She has her own duvet cover, the walls are covered with massive Moonpig cards with photos of the family on them and every surface has a framed photo even though she can't see well. They are familiar shapes from her home. We will never be able to take her out - the double incontinence has put paid to that even if we could get her in and out of the car. But I have more than half an hour blocks of time and the anxiety of entertaining her has gone.

OhPlease I’m sorry, it’s entirely understandable you wish him to go quickly and with as little distress as possible, I certainly would wish that. It’s a hard time.

Haribo you have to take care of your own health, you need to be able set the terms on how you deal with this and not be driven by DM’s decisions / demands. I agree with the burner phone and block her on your main phone scanario.

LightUp the stepping back is hard but necessary. I feel your frustration.

Have just been visiting DM. Although her being in a care home is a huge relief, there is a new set of issues which come with that. The dialling down of the intense stress of her not being safe and me living in fear of the phone ringing has been replaced by a more general concern about the day to day of how she will live out her life. There are few people who are in care homes at DM’s age with all their faculties and the energy to be social – there are a few at DM’s and she seems to only envy them - and DM has never been very good at being social. I take slow, incremental steps to getting things a bit better for her with each visit but the useful, nice, practical things I and others are able to put in place are in a race with her anxiety, depression and slowly but surely advancing cognitive impairment. I’m engaging some extra companionship for her but the best care is not going to make up for being very elderly, frail and confused. We managed to have a few trips out to favourite cafes and very local beauty spots, she can manage a couple of hours before she has had enough. I am relieved to find my ‘nappy bag’ plan was an over-reaction: she is continent but likes to wear a TenaLady ‘in case’. Her enjoyment of food and drink is diminished which is a shame but she still walks, with an aid. We’ll see how things go, I don’t know if meds to lift mood would be appropriate at any point – there are no real solutions, just temporary fixes.

Glad you had a decent visit with your DM Hairbrush. My DM is unexpectedly sharp on some things. It is cruel, I try not to compare her old self with the new.

I went with a friend to visit mum yesterday. Her blood results are clear and she fed herself the cake my friend gave her and the mini trifle I took as well which is a huge improvement.

She has no memory of my uncle's visit to her 24 hours before our visit but remembers a bizarre story from two months ago! My friend bought a musical instrument that she has wanted since her teens. She bought it from someone on the other side of the country with no links to anyone in our area. When I told mum about it her eyes lit up and she said that she overheard a couple of the nurses talking about it and one said "I nearly bought it but I was pipped to the post by Hairbrush's friend." The next day my uncle visited her and she told him about the instrument and that she had heard the nurses talking about it. So far so dementia/confusion/confabulation.

Then yesterday my friend said "I must show you a photo of my instrument" and mum told her word for word what she had said to me two months ago! The weird thing is that the instrument is not common at all so unlikely to have heard anyone talking about it and my friend's name is very rare as well so it's not as though she has heard people talking about someone with the same name. But she remembered exactly what she told us!

Sadly she is talking about my dad a lot now. I took a little doll to show her that I knew she would like and after she had held it and we had talked a bit about it she told me to put it in my bag and be sure to show dad when I got home. Dementia is so cruel.