Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Congrats!!! 💙

Oh yes, the grief can be very sudden. We’re coming up to the second anniversary. We shared a love of family history and every time I discover something about an ancestor that he would have loved to know I really miss him.

Personally, grief for dad gets me at unexpected times.

Same here...usually when I see something and think I should show him, or cook something for him and then realise that I'll never be able to do that again...it really sucks.

One thing that did take the edge off though...I've been offered a job 😁! It might be 6 weeks before I start (huge organisation, lots of HR hoops) but sounds really interesting (combo of my interests and previous experience), people seem lovely and it's the same salary I was one before but for a 4 day week (not term time only but I'm more than happy with that) and apparently very flexible...they even have a special policy for people with caring responsibilities.

That's a great idea thank you

That's been my experience too @MintyCedricRidesAgain

I think we build the day up in our hearts and minds. Personally, grief for dad gets me at unexpected times. Anniversaries don't really make me that sad anymore.

Thanks for all the tips. It's a worry. She's not got any energy because she's not eating. Even things we used to do like gp our for coffee or to the shops is a no go atm.

@ChiswickFlo Have you seen those baby portions of different cheeses individually wrapped? Not just Babybel but a variety of cheeses. We used to leave those for my DM with little packets of crackers after a care home visit and she would graze happily. She's around 6 stone right now so I understand.

@ChiswickFlo you may find the sweet tooth thing changes at some point. Apparently the taste buds get less receptive with age and can cause changes in diet preferences.

My dad didn't have a sweet tooth at all. He'd have a couple of digestives with his cuppa at the weekend and the occasional strawberry ice cream if it was particularly warm summer.

By the end of 2020 he was on a steady stream of Angel Delight, fruit jelly sweets, chocolate buttons and home made macarons!

Alongside the occasional request for Chinese ('but takeaway...don't let your mum try to cook it'), Mexican and wine!

I'm so lucky to have such fun memories of him even at the later stages. Yesterday was fine in the end...got away from mum's about lunchtime then had a lovely self-care afternoon...CBD/aromatherapy bath, new book and a nap.

Had a wobble whilst cooking dinner when I realised that being an only child, dad and I were the only people that experienced our relationship...no siblings to compare memories with, so it really was just us.

On the whole though I found the week leading up to the anniversary worse than the day itself.

Mum lost her sweet tooth but would eat roast cashews. Full fat ice cream (there are lots of choc ice type things available now), crisps, roasted nuts, chocolate, biscuits left where she could reach them - forget about healthy eating, it's all about the calories. I'd make a batch of tiny creme caramel, with eggs and cream. Mum could make two meals out of a ready meal for one so it was all about lots of little things because she didn't have the appetite for a plate of food.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through @ChiswickFlo and @countrygirl99.

Thanks for the tips @MintyCedricRidesAgain
I've got her some fortisips today she had one for breakfast
I've grabbed some bananas too
She generally eats m&s ready meals but rarely finishes one
I've got her some mini trifles and clotted cream rice puddings
Sadly she does not have a sweet tooth sl it's an uphill struggle

@countrygirl99 I really feel for you. I think the sorting out stage is the absolute worst and even moreso if you're dealing with obstreperous olds.

@ChiswickFlo Do you have much input into what your mum is eating? I have to admit I'm a bit of a 'feeder' 😳 so when dad started losing weight I read up on nutrition and the elderly and started making him 'ready meals' that mum could easily microwave or pop in the oven.

We went to full fat milk in everything, milky coffee (which he loved and asked for frequently despite having hardly ever drunk anything other than tea before), fruit puree in pouches added to porridge along with full fat Greek yoghurt.

Lunches were thick soups ideally incorporating cream and or cheese.

Dinners again, anything we could add full fat yoghurt, cheese, cream or coconut cream to. Suet puddings, risotto, pasta dishes (made with soup pasta so easier to manage).

Risotto was great as you can make up a basic batch then portion it out and add things to it...cheese and pesto or n'duja sausage were dad's favourites although he was quite an adventurous eater.

He also developed a really sweet tooth and loved Angel Delight...even towards the later stages he could put away two-thirds of a packet!

Oh lordy @ChiswickFlo that is light, must be so worrying.

We've got the list of suitable homes for MIL that will accept LA funding and surprise, surprise the posh one FIL was demanding isn't on the list. He is now claiming that he needs the carers to prepare his meals and get him dressed but at the same time he reckons he is perfectly capable of looking after MIL for the 21.5 hours a day the carers aren't there 🤔. He probably does need help to put his socks on but he's still perfectly capable of making a bowl of cereal or a sandwich or microwaving the ready meals they eat. So DH has spoken to the social worker and they are going to assess his needs. I wonder if the way he bounded across the room to shout in her face last week will be taken into account.

Hugely difficult situation :(

Bottom line is your dad has capacity and can make his own decisions (however ridiculous or dangerous they may be)

The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Tell your dad you don't want to hear his complaints about your mum when he refuses to do anything to help the situation.

As for your mum, if your dad won't report her there is nothing you can do.

I'm sorry x

Mums appointment went quite well...Dr went over all her test results and they are ok apart from white blood count.

Told mum she needs to go back on the fortisips I bloody told her and has just put her mind at rest I think.

She's now under 7 stone :(

He flatly refuses to tell any professionals, we referred to the GP and adult services last time she tried and I stood in the way.. They've concluded that she has capacity therefore any assessment cognitive or otherwise requires her consent. They did blood tests etc last time, all clear apart from signs of type 2 diabetes, GP called her and told her to watch her diet, when the call had finished she laughed and said 'he can f off'
He's terrified that if he reports her he won't be able to live at home as he feels that she does all the care... She does because he flatly refuses to pay anyone to make his lunch etc because 'she can do it' cue screaming from mum that she's not his f ing carer and he's pathetic and fake, nobody except her knows what he's really like etc. He is physically disabled but doesn't require 'personal' care in that sense and would rather die than admit he needs help washing etc. His view of carers is that you have to have them when you can't do things like go to the toilet independently and he won't have them in the house ...
Meanwhile mum keeps telling him she's going to get him put in a home, she's leaving etc etc

@Lightuptheroom
Sorry to hear that , your poor Dad.
Hopefully it's just a one off , or more worrying another step .
Try to get him to talk about what he wants to do if it happens again.
Does he receive any other help ?

Does anyone know what we do, mum's verbal aggression to dad turned physical and she slapped him round the face for no reason. Dad refused to leave with my sister. 2 minutes later mum behaving like nothing had happened...

Thinking of you @MintyCedricRidesAgain x

Taking mum to drs today. Going to try and fund out what's going on re: blood tests and try and push for a 2 week wait colonoscopy.

Mum gets weird around drs. She lies sometimes too 🤷‍♀️ I wish she's just be honest.

Ds1 wants to go to the cinema today (we were supposed to go the day mum got rushed into hospital last week)

I'm not in the mood tbh but he finished his last essay this year yesterday so he's celebrating :)

It's mils neurologist appointment tomorrow...

Oh @HariboMuncher I really feel for you having been in that situation.

My mum was constantly losing her patience with Dad and really quite unkind to him at times but couldn't bear the thought of him going in a home (because she didn't want to be on her own).

The services involved were useless as everything was 'patients voice' which is all well and good unless the patient in question is spending most of their time unconscious/away with the pixies and can't be relied upon to make the same decision twice in 5 minutes.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Mine is a bit like this. Can you talk to her about stuff that's been going on where she lives?

DF (he is 86, very frail and has nearly died a few times now) has been in and out of hospital for the last 2 months now. DM, who is 80 and his carer, told me she was losing her temper with him and I'm fairly sure is sometimes calling an ambulance because she can't cope, or for things that would be managed by care home staff (he had an issue with a catheter at one point). She complains about looking after him constantly, they stay rurally and sometimes there have been long waits for ambulances or for DF to be admitted or discharged, which is another source of complaints.

I thought we'd had a breakthrough on Friday as she decided she couldn't manage any more and was in the process of finding a place in a nursing home. Today she's announced that she's looking forward to having DF home and seems to think it will all be fine . She also claimed he knew I had visited him in hospital when he was sound asleep the entire time.

So we will almost certainly go through the cycle of him being discharged and admitted again. It is beyond frustrating. And I think they'd actually enjoy the time they have left together more if the burden of care was taken off DM.

They've now decided to discharge him, on water tablets, excess fluid in heart, lungs, kidney and liver and want him to have ultrasounds. Referral to community heart failure team. Mum fuming as she wanted to go and collect him so that she would know what's going on (apparently) and she thinks that it shouldn't take so long to discharge someone!

I think mums in denial tbh.

Last Friday she was in pain and scared and told me she felt that there was something serious wrong.

She seems to have forgotten that now though...

Thanks x keeping him in overnight and muttering about 'areas of concern' on chest x-rays...

@ChiswickFlo thanks...I've spoken to her this morning and she seemed more positive and wants me to help decorate the house for the Jubilee street party she's just found out about.

I'm not completely unsympathetic...I know from personal experience it's easy to become overinvested in the wrong people when life is a bit shit...I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with the fallout at the mo.

I'll think of some distractions before I go round tomorrow...have a lovely day out planned with DD tomorrow and a chill out home alone day on Saturday so can't really complain.

Will you go with your mum to her appointment next week? I find one of the most frustrating thing about dealing with the Olds is that (certainly in my case) they just can't be trusted to do the sensible thing!

@Lightuptheroom sorry to hear about your dad...hope you get some news soon.

Oh, blimey.
It's awful atm not being able to go with them :(

Dad's been taken into hospital by ambulance this morning, no idea what's going on but thankful that they pressed the care alarm. Hospital won't let sister in until hes in a cubicle. Mum has apparently declared she's going back to bed...

Oh, minty. That year has gone fast!
With your mum...I think grey rock can be great but you have to be careful as it can enrage the narc in question (they aren't getting what they need from you I.e: reaction)
Taking something to do sounds a good idea.
Deep breaths x

So...weighed mum this morning. She's lost a stone in weight she's now 7 Stone. She told the Dr last week she lost "a couple of pounds"

No idea what to do. She refuses to go the Dr and let them know (had a couple of really bad experiences but still...).

She is having a blood test next week so I've told her to tell the nurse she's lost so much weight.

She used the walking stick today when I took her food shopping.

I so wish we had taken her home last year but she was too scard of covid...I don't think she'll be travelling again :(