Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Yes, my husband suggested that. We are so used to transferring money between accounts that it has been ages since mum received a cheque. We'll see if we can do it in the Post Office and if not DH can use his bus pass on his day off and do it for me! If I go into town it will cost a lot more than the bus fare - a look round the shops and a cuppa at least!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Before you hike to town, check whether you can pay the cheque in at the post office. I know there aren't as many around as there used to be but they are still more common than banks.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm pleased you've made some progress and a refund is on its way, what a relief for you. You can post the cheque with a paying in slip to your mum's bank and they will process it as soon as it arrives. I did this a couple of times in lockdown, one time my mum had given both me and DD a cheque each so I posted both cheques with a paying in slip each in the same envelope and just put a post-it on the top of my one asking them to pay them in.

We have had a development. There is a human being in the EON customer service who emailed me yesterday. At her request I sent her photographic evidence of our meter readings when we switched suppliers and she has confirmed that my mum has overpaid and is due a refund. The refund has to be issued by cheque to her current address which is fair enough. It is a pain because I only visit once a week so I will collect the cheque from the home on my next visit after it arrives and then I'll have to get a bus to the next town to the bank but at least I will no longer be paying £ 400 a month for the energy bill!

Well that sounds reasonably hopeful - I can't afford to pay two lots of energy bills for the same house! Thank you.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere we had the same problem with Eon - after my ma moved they were informed of the date etc but still took her dd as normal. We challenged and they eventually repaid but it seems to be a regular thing with them. Having said that, they did repay fairly promptly after we complained so I would hope they do the same for you.

May I have a small whine/whinge/rant? Quick background - mum lived with us and paid the utility bills as her contribution to the household expenses. She constantly had the heating on, electric blanket all night every night etc. She went into hospital and into a home and dementia has well and truly taken hold.
We have been transferring money into her account to cover the bills as the energy supplier would not communicate with us.

At the beginning of August we switched our energy and broadband account to Utility Warehouse meaning the account would be in our name. They said that they would deal with the original suppliers. BT which was in our name and paid from our account gave us a refund. We heard nothing from EON but as the account was in my mum's name I didn't expect to hear from them directly but expected at some point there would be a final balance taken from mum's account or put back in. Today I have checked her account and they have taken nearly £ 400 today - the usual direct debit.

UW can't help - they don't understand why they have taken the direct debit when it has been a month since they were notified that the provider had changed. EON won't speak to me so currently we are having to pay twice - the account in our name and the account in my mother's. I have emailed EON and asked them to send an explanation to my mother at our address. We wait with baited breath to see if they do. I have cancelled the direct debit from mum's account but I worry that it will affect our credit rating. Such stress!

GoldenTits is a great name for an entitled sister.

@Mum5net I changed my username about two years ago but it wasn't Goldentits. A good friend of mine named my sister this and it has stuck!

@Fantasea Did you have a previous user name when you posted about Goldentits. Goldentits has legendary status on this board 🤣

I seem to remember that Goldentits was encouraging your DM to get that house, so maybe she can help facilitate making it habitable?

Sounds like your DM's paperwork is going to be a nightmare to sort with 3 properties in her name.

@Fantasea it's been foggy here this morning, cleared now but maybe goldentits will have had to make an early decision.

@notaflyingmonkey thank you for your kind words. Golden sister and I will have two properties to clear as she still owns the flat she bought when she first moved here and 'isn't in any rush to sell as prices are dropping'. I think she's planning on letting it and being a landlady at nearly 90, seriously, she is insane. I can completely relate to the shift in your relationship after having DM in such close proximity. When DM dropped the bombshell of her secret purchase, she was furious with me that I wasn't skipping with joy. We had a row later that day where I calmly told her how betrayed I felt and explained how she had gone behind my back. She snarked at me that she 'didn't need my permission'. That conversation marked the end of my relationship with her, very sad on one level, but it would have been something else had it not been that.

@Mum5net thank you too, no I've never given her a key to my house, what a relief. Interestingly, DM gloated to me on Friday that Goldentits is making a state visit today as 'she wants to see the new house' and also is 'TAKING her out to lunch', isn't she marvellous? She lives an hour away and last visited at the end of August last year 😮. DM is already preparing her excuses, she said she would come providing the weather was ok. Do any of you other ladies in the south know if we're forecast snow today 🤣?

It must have been a relief for you to see your DM be able to feed herself, so distressing for you. Also recognising your DB must have been lovely. My DF had dementia and to watch his decline was just dreadful.

@Fantasea What a relief your DM has an obscured view. What a relief that your absent Golden Sister who helped her with the property choice is able to field the calls. If your DM has a key to your house, be sure to change the locks. A new era beckons in n your relationship with your DM but hopefully you will be on the front foot from now on.
My DM, while incredibly frail, has remembered how to put food in her mouth again and fed herself some large chocolate buttons yesterday . For the last few months trying to give her a raspberry or a chocolate to put in her mouth has been impossible. Fed her loads of then in quick succession. Showed her my DB on FaceTime and she kissed the phone.
Different phases and stages for us all.

Thoughts and prayers for you on that one @Fantasea the living in such close proximity is bad enough, but the fact she'll be doing it with added martyrdom... as you say though, it's 100% on her. Will you be expected to help clear it?

I once booked my mum into a nearby B&B when I took the kids on holiday when they were little. It just made the whole thing toxic as she did nothing but criticise me, the kids, my DH etc. We ended up having a massive row which I think marked a significant shift for our relationship, as I'd tended to put up with it up until then.

@notaflyingmonkey that must be so hard for you, I do hope it's not too bad tomorrow. If she wins at bingo, she must be engaging with it and enjoying it and also probably most of the other activities on offer. Painful for you to have to hear her complaining like that though.

'Oh look a squirrel' is something I use in varying forms. I was taking my mother shopping over the summer. I would sit in the car due to being CEV and had asked her to get me a couple of readily available items. She ramped up with 'well, if they're not there, I won't be able to buy them, I can't buy what's not in the shop' on and on, never mind I was about to sit for an hour while she chose the perfect bottle of milk. Luckily I had my window open so could stick my head out and say 'oh look at the clouds' and was still admiring them, head hanging out, when she got out of the car, still ranting on 🙄.

She moves into the house a few doors opposite me on Monday, the house she bought behind my back. DD and I are dreading it. She got the keys on Wednesday so the three of us went to see it. It's a disgrace, just filthy throughout and in such a poor state of repair, both gardens overgrown and neglected, walls half-painted and the decking collapsed, I could go on. When she dropped the bombshell of her purchase, she told me it was 'perfect'. She's been complaining about it ever since Wednesday, but probably for the first time in her life, she has no-one else to blame. It's all very sad and part of me feels sorry for her, but at the same time, I don't feel inclined to help her with a move I would have resisted with all my might had she had the common decency to inform me about. I'm sure part of the allure of moving into our road was to be able to spy on us 24/7. This has really backfired, as the view from the sitting room at the front is just the side of the house opposite. This is the only window at the front other than a frosted one on the cloakroom. If she were to hang out of one of the upstairs windows, she can see our front door, not even our drive to track my arrivals and departures...

I am a staunch republican etc, but I must admit, I felt glad that she went so quickly. Who wouldn't want that?

I'm preparing myself to go and visit DM tomorrow. She always gets distressed when she sees me, cries, tells me she is isolated and nobody speaks to her in the care home to the point she thinks she's being held hostage. When questioned, the care home staff don't recognise that version and tell me she always wins at bingo. So I need to remember my skills of redirection - oh look, a squirrel.

These past few years I have thought increasingly about the Queen. Five years older than my DM, I was in awe of her physical and mental stamina. [For my Xmas, one of my DC got me a framed print that hangs beside my gas and electricity meters behind the storm doors. How poignant that positioning now.] I'm just glad she steered clear of dementia. One in two of us will have dementia I guess. I'm so glad for her she never gave her family any cause to look for a forum like this one. I was discussing with one of my DC last night that to be working on Tuesday yet slip away on Thursday was a very dignified way to go.

@Onewildandpreciouslife it's a barstard disease isn't it. The one bright spot is mum is completely unaware of the cosy of living crisis and fuel prices. She has a decent pension, doesn't do enough to spend it all now and has a Bert health stash of cash so she has no need to worry about bills. On top of that she has solar panels so for 6 months of the year her bills are peanuts anyway. But last autumn she obsessed about saving fuel and kept turning offher has boiler. Then she couldn't work out why the heating didn't come on and called out British Gas several times on top of the times DB1 went round and "fixed" it. DB1 is moving several hours away soon so I will be the nearest and I'm an hour away. She got over that obsession by Christmas and I'm hoping nothing triggers it again. DBs and I have a vow of silence on the matter.

It’s tough isn’t it @countrygirl99 ? I went to see DM at the weekend, and was greeted by “Hello, I’m sure I should recognise you, but I’m afraid I don’t.” Bloody dementia

I'm having a few days off, mostly acting as a taxi for DS2 and DIL while they are in the UK. DS has been here for 3 weeks as he came over for FILS funeral and it wasn't worth going back for a week until their long planned visit. Took DS to see mum a couple of days after the funeral, usual repetitive asking the same questions. Went up with DS and DIL a week later and she had completely forgotten that she had seen DS recently. We took her out for a mooch around Ely and a picnic in the cathedral grounds. Spoke to her about it the day before, in the morning as we left home, again having popped into the supermarket on the way and every time she had forgotten and was surprised to hear from me. We left the picnic in the car while we had a wander. Went back to the car to pick it up and she got in having completely forgotten about the picnic even though we were talking about it on the way back to the car park. When we took her back home she told DIL it was lovely to meet her - they've been together 8 years.
Went to visit MIL at the care home yesterday and discovered that she has taken to refusing her medication. We don't really know why as she can only make noises but we think she has given up on life without FIL. We were worried that would happen.
Feeling sorry for my DSs they lost both their grandads this year, DS1s partner lost her grandad last year and DILs gran is failing fast.

DM is a savoury type - it’s cheese, crackers, crisps and ham sarnies. With the odd trifle.

Ah yes... The tea and biscuit diet, my mum currently exists on brioche chocolate chip buns and individual trifles... My dad takes himself to a cafe once a day ...

Mum still isn't talking to me and has phoned me once with the pretext that my dad was concerned about my husband so she felt she had to ring.

The conversation with the GP hasn't been mentioned again and it's like it never happened.
She's currently 'deciding' things are true according to her.. for example my sister let her know that she was away over the bank holiday weekend (which I knew because my sister and I now make sure we've got the correct version of events) by the time mum relayed it to me yesterday, my sister must have gone to see my brother abroad and just chosen not to say anything....

We just sit and wait for the crisis to hit... Though the comedy value in being told that my dad was definitely 'in shock' from having a hair cut and shave was very high...