Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Sounds familiar. Although tbf my mum probably wouldn't entertain shopping anywhere other than charity shops and she does have a pretty good eye.

It going out to eat that makes me laugh...if she can't get an OAP meal deal for about a fiver including a drink (preferably scampi in a basket), she's not interested and thinks it's the height of indulgence.

I need to figure out something to with her for DDs 18th later in the year. Our family is so complicated, and most of DDs friends will still be 17 so she's decided against having a party and we're (hopefully) going away for the weekend instead. She's going out for a meal with her friends then bringing them home for cake and bubbly and will make whatever arrangements with XH she wants.

Which just leaves factoring mum in...DD likes an afternoon tea but the nicest place I can think of near us that doesn't cost an arm and a leg isn't very accessible and tbh mum is such a liability (making loud comments about other people, complaining about the food, prices etc) that I'm already hyperventilating just thinking about it.

Took mum shopping today for an outfit for a wedding. Never again! Anything over £20 is an utterly extortionate rip off apparently. And we aren't talking charity shops either😔. We tried those, liked the prices better but every dress was rejected as "not my colour".

@Marylou62 that's such a shame. It's hard when you know something could make them happier but it's not accessible. The garden of the CH dad was in was beautiful and overlooks the fields where we used to go walking when I was a kid/teenager. He got out there a couple of times in his first stay, but couldn't bear the hoist so was completely bed bound for the the last few weeks.

I'd have loved to have found a way to take him for a walk along the seafront in a wheelchair before it reached that point too but had to respect his wishes not to be manhandled, sadly.

@OnthePiste that so sweet that the CH staff made such an effort with getting your mum ready, how lovely. I hope you had a good time.

As for mum with the disinheriting...she doesn't get any reaction from me. It's a bit of a worry as I don't have any pension provision but it's not insurmountable.

My standard response is 'OK, if that what you want...' and a shrug of the shoulders.

It boils my piss though that she wouldn't have this money to threaten me with had it not been for my dad's hard work and the inheritance from his brother.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that is really lovely for you to see such genuine care. DM has only been in her home 2 months and I had a few reservations. Last week, I rang the home to tell them I was taking her out for lunch. When I arrived, mum looked lovely. The carer had taken her back to her room after speaking to me, found her a nice outfit, put her jewellery on, applied make up on her and did her hair. I thought that was so kind and caring of them and made me think the few niggles I have with the CH are not worth worrying about. Not sure there is such thing as a perfect care home anyway.

@Marylou62 that must have been hard, my mum was on a ward for several weeks and I have no idea how they cope with the boredom.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain you need to call your mum's bluff regarding this constant threat of disinheriting you. This has been going on for years and she is using it to manipulate her. Stand up to her, keep those barriers in place and live your life how you want.

@BestIsWest DM was an avid gardener too which is partly why I chose the care home she is in now. They have a beautiful mature garden full of flowers and shrubs which Mum can still name. I take her out there regularly, it is very calm and peaceful.

I hope everyone else is okay and enjoying the long weekend.

Oh what a horror she is @MintyCedricRidesAgain

You know that's bullshit

Must be so so hurtful though xxx

I'm there..listening to you all..
Yesterday was hard . Mum was a true Royalist and was just starting to join in with the residents at the home. But she's on a ward (discharge lounge. only one other comatose lady yesterday when my DB visited). And no TV..Very sad imagining her in the care home v ward...

Oh and apparently my dad would be angry and disappointed in me for my attitude as he gave her his blessing to move on with someone else.

Yup...more threats about disinheriting me if I don't get on board with their 'relationship'.

And she's started smoking again...

I'm sorry your mum was upset today hairbrush but good that you and your eldest were able to calm her and that witnessed such compassionate treatment by the staff.

Oh Minty, that's so frustrating.

We went to see mum today - the home held an afternoon tea for residents and families. My son and daughter in law are here on holiday so we went and took my uncle as well. She was not really with us other than to say she was unhappy but just as we were leaving she grabbed my hand and she was crying asking about my oldest son. She wanted me "to tell the truth about what had happened to him and why he was missing." I was afraid to leave her upset so I rang him and put the phone to her ear and he said hello and told her he loved her so she settled down and I had to promise I would always tell her where the children were. There was only on couple out of five with me today but she was so worried about the oldest.

The home is lovely albeit run down but what was loveliest of all was watching the staff interact with the residents - putting a blanket around mum's shoulders and kissing her on the head when we were standing behind them and they were not doing it for show. I know mum is being looked after by people that care for her. That's all I can ask really.

I silently pray on an almost daily basis that mum will be taken off by a stroke like her own mum when the time comesor something equally quick.

Dad didn't have dementia as such but frailty and fairly cognitive decline for a couple of years was bad enough.

Today's Jubilee Celebrations descended into snarking before lunch and afterward hit a further low when L was brought up in conversation.

So it was an early pack up and now home about to have a nap with the unopened bottle of prosecco in the fridge for tomorrow night.

Dementia is a swine. I miss my Dad terribly but I am grateful every day that his death was a good one in many ways (Heart attack at home aged 82). Whereas seeing Mum’s slow decline (Alzheimer’s and arthritis) makes me sad every day. It’s a horrible thing.

We sat in her garden yesterday drinking tea and it was lovely. She was a good gardener in her day and she was a bit upset at the state of it so I’ve promised to take the secateurs and gloves and at least tackle the brambles.

It’s hideous isn’t it @Words ?

I went to see my M yesterday. She has dementia but is very angry with it. We’ve just moved her to a new care home. Everyone agreed it’s in her best interest- it will be so much easier for family to visit her.

But of course it’s a mind blowing disturbance to her, and I took the brunt yesterday. She said she thought she had a loving family but obviously she didn’t if they wouldn’t let her go home. Threatened to kill her self. I’ve trained myself now not to argue with her, but that just made it worse- so she told me to leave so I said ok and left.

Going back today, but I live 300 miles away so then it’ll be another 6 weeks before I’m back for more abuse!

Went to see M yesterday. She's definitely sustained some further brain damage and lost a lot of weight.

Not sure whether she recognised me or not. When prompted to drink her tea, she did and solemnly drank it all, then kept sucking at the cup not realising it was empty.

They call this the long goodbye, and they're not wrong.

So much better to die standing, than live on your knees like this. Dementia is a very cruel disease.

I realised my dad wasn't himself when he showed no interest in the Diamond Jubilee. He loved London and had he been well he would have loved the river pageant but barely glanced at the TV. Within a few months he was gone :-(

As a retired serviceman he loved all the pomp and ceremony.

I went home briefly and picked up gin!

Now watching the Trooping the Colour as spent all day cooking.

Feeling a bit emotional as it reminds me of Dad. He was a proper lefty and not a fan of the monarchy but he loved the history and pageantry and always said no other country did it as well as us which I think is very true.

He usually had a lump in his throat when watching this kind of thing, and I can still remember him breaking down and actually crying at Princess Diana's funeral.

Minty - I would rather have my issues with energy company and the bank than have to deal with an aged relative again. Sending masses of sympathetic hugs.

I am reading everything but no energy to participate.. Sending Gin to all.. X

Platinum trifle was a winner which was very unexpected...I don't think mum's ever made a trifle in her life.

Heating is on 24...🥵

🙂
@MintyCedricRidesAgain you are a SAINT 💜

I really have no right to be moaning given what everyone else is dealing with, but please may I have a moment's respite on the BDB?

Couple of weeks ago, mum had a flyer through the door forward street party of sorts tomorrow...decorate your house and have your own jubilee picnic on your front lawn. Called me all excited wanting me to sort out decs, discussion at the weekend about food...have sorted it all.

She now doesn't want the bunting up (tbf hardly any of the neighbours have bothered).

Tonight as neither of us wanted a big dinner, we're having some tomorrow's party food...

The sausage rolls are too hard, the crisps are too crispy, the Coronation chicken vol au vents taste too strongly of curry and the beef and hriseradish sandwiches taste 'wrong'. Oh and I've made her Pimms in the wrong glass...🙄

Just about to dish up the platinum trifle...wish me luck!

Thank you both. Unfortunately mum doesn't know she has moved out and thinks that she is coming home. If I try to suggest that she puts the bills in my name she will in all probability refuse because as she sees it she is helping me by paying the bills. She keeps telling me to take the money from her account and buy a car!

I have considered getting my daughter to pretend to be her to get through security - she has done it elsewhere when mum has been in a state and not able to speak to someone on the phone - but now that mum is unable to do things I feel I need to be more transparently right. It was one thing for her to say to my DD "Pretend to be me and ask them to speak to Hairbrush" while she is in the room but now if anyone spoke to her they would see that she doesn't have the capacity.

I think I might try the tenant route and see if they will respond to me that way. It is so frustrating because all I want to do is see the bill that I will be paying! I don't want to dispute it (although I am amazed that it has doubled since this time last year when we are now just 2 people without constant electric heaters and electric blankets!

can you pretend to be her?

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I cancelled Sky without waving the PoA, I phoned them, explained that she was in a care home and not going to be returning and they cancelled it there and then.

Can she still make a signature? You could write a letter to the utility providers from her transferring the account to you, take it in and have her sign it. Possibly get nice cousin to take it in if you are in the bad books.

The phone is difficult because it's hers but not the utilities as you are the homeowner. If you are calling them have you said that you are the landlord and your tenant has left the property? That is the usual scenario that they would be used to. It's not uncommon for the bills to be in the tenant's name and if they do a flit leaving them unpaid then the landlord would have to get the name changed. Your particular situation may be rare but the landlord/tenant scenario is common enough. It is your property after all, ask them about their complaints procedure and then put in a complaint. You have to use their complaints procedure and allow them a couple of months before you go to Ofgem. I'm absolutely sure that there is something they can do about making sure that the actual homeowner who is living in the house and using the power gets a bill. Your mum should have stopped paying on the date that she moved into the home, they should refund her and bill you (on estimates as there won't be a meter reading on that date)

Can you tell that I am very annoyed on your behalf? "Ooh there's nothing we can do" as we carry on taking money from the account of someone who doesn't live there any more and who isn't in a position to challenge it. If you can't cope with yet another phone call, write a letter or call your local CAB and see if they will help you. It's not as if you don't have enough stress in your life without worrying about being cut off.

MIL would not discuss her finances with the SW and sent her away rather forcefully. MIL had previously fallen for a phone scammer and was determined that it wasn't happening again. I think she's now past the point where she could co-operate if she wanted to. I don't think it matters yet, she owns her house and it's going to be a while until the fees accumulate to the value. Hopefully by then her family will have sorted out deputyship (assuming they've started of course)