Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

MissMarplesNiece, you are experiencing 'carer breakdown' phone the adult services duty line today, arrange for them to assess your mum as a matter of urgency, she needs a care package for bathing, care visits etc... You cannot continue to do the level of care you are doing, your body will break if your mind doesn't first.

@MissMarplesNiece you are not being melodramatic. You are under huge stress. This time last year my mum was still at home (in our granny annex) and I was feeling the same as you. We had carers twice a day to get her up and put her to bed but I did everything in between - taking her to the toilet, turning on the tv, all her admin, all her meals, every drink etc - and I would spent an hour with her every morning and afternoon and I would stay with her from the time we ate dinner until the carers came to put her to bed.

I would wake up in the morning and cry before getting out of bed because I didn't want to face the day. I would come back into the house after the carer arrived in the evening and shout at my husband because of the stress of caring for mum and trying to make her happy.

Then 12 months ago she ended up in hospital after a fall and so did I! I didn't fall, I had amnesia - a whole chunk of time disappeared. I kept phoning my husband on repeat and telling him the same thing until he came home from work, called my best friend and they took me to the hospital! Stress has very real consequences on your body and you need to take it seriously.

One practical thing that made my life easier was a supply of rinse free shampoo caps - I could wash her hair while she sat in the armchair instead of wedging the two of us and a seat into the bathroom to do it.

Do you think it would helpful for you to see the GP? He might helpfully suggest that you can not lift/bend/stretch and that would relieve some of the physical demands she is placing on you?

What about (cough) getting covid this week? That would give you a break...(and as we all know you can get it again...)

This went through my mind too. Personally I didn't dare tempt fate with Covid but I've 'had' a couple of bouts of pernicious D & V, and on one occasion omitted to tell mum I'd been signed off.

@ChiswickFlo it's lawn bowls...we went for an open day the other week and these are the follow up potential new members sessions. She really enjoyed it, but now I need to get her in with some other members so she can go on her own.

Bowling? Crikey you're brave!

I've been awake most of the night too. I've got meetings this morning. Ugh.

Frankly?

If you dropped dead tomorrow your mum would manage because she would have to

Suddenly carers would appear, and taxis be ordered!

That ^ epiphany changed things for me. I now have weekends "off" and it's great :)

Just start being unavailable. Need to go shopping on Tuesday? Sorry, can't. I'm busy. No more discussion.

Need to go to hospital? Sorry, can't. I'm busy. No more discussion. Hospital transport can be organised.

What about (cough) getting covid this week? That would give you a break...(and as we all know you can get it again...)

Your mum will run you into the ground without a second thought. So time to think of yourself x

@MissMarplesNiece I’m so sorry. You need to start taking care of your own needs too. Please start today - just say, sorry, but you can’t take her shopping or bath her today. Take a couple of days for you.

Then make a list of what you’re doing, and work out what you can outsource, and what you feel you need to do yourself. Can your DB help out with clearing the bungalow? He wouldn’t be helping your DM, he’d be helping you. I cleared my DMs house, and it’s brutal work (are you having the recurring dream she gets better / goes back to the house? It’s a thing, as I found out on here!)

Good luck

@MissMarplesNiece honestly? Screw that. It sounds to me like your body is giving you a warning that you are in the red zone on the tank - do you want to have a stroke? If your DM won't help herself, you are essentially becoming her slave. I would get her a needs assessment, and then sort paid care for the baths, chiropodist etc. Attendance Allowance if you don't already have it will help pay for that.

@MissMarplesNiece I hear you...it's utterly soul destroying at times. There were times when my dad was ill when I actually googled 'how do I get sectioned' as is was the only way I could think of that I might get a break from his physical needs (which weren't the hard part tbf) and mum's emotional ones.

I haven't been so stressed since he past but there is the constant fear of mum going downhill over a long period. Tbh when I read about people caring for parents in their 90s and beyond my blood runs cold.

I found the SHOUT text support line (85258) really helpful when it all got a bit too much. Could you get carers in for the personal care side of things? It's not fair of your siblings to leave it all to you. I can sympathise with your brother but he could he still do some of the admin even if he doesn't want to be personally involved.

@CarnageAtTheAirport sorry to hear about your FIL...I hope the inevitable happens as calmly as possible for all of you.

@ChiswickFlo glad your mum made it to her Jubilee party. I'm supposed to be taking mine bowling again later, but I've been awake since 2.30am so whether I'll manage it is debatable!

This sounds ridiculously melodramatic but I feel that I can't go on, either physically or mentally. DM is making me ill. She is so needy and demanding, visiting her results in me feel sick, dizzy, light-headed, weepy. Everything takes so much physical & mental effort. 2 weeks ago I fainted while I was out with her - I told the people who came to help me I hadn't eaten, but really I think it was the amount of energy I was using to help her shop & the amount of stress I was feeling.

On Thursday she asked me to give her a bath & wash her hair. It was such hard work, so hot & she was so demanding I was soaking wet with sweat & shaking and I felt scared of driving home after because I felt so faint & sick. She has a bath chair only she can't (wont) use it herself, someone has to operate it for her. Then soap her, scrub her etc. She says she cant stand when she gets out the bath so I had to support her weight & manoeuvre her to sit down, then she couldn't dry herself. Then she decided she wanted her hair washed when she'd refused before when I offered. So she had to be manoeuvred again to the bath. Then I had to clean up the bathroom to her satisfaction.

Just been round to my sister's, where Dm lives. DM wants to go shopping tomorrow and to have a bath & wash her hair. I cried in the car all the way home. I'm just so tired. I've got to find time to go to her old bungalow, over 3 hour drive away, which needs clearing & putting up for sale. My brother refuses to do anything to help because he says he can't forgive her for how she treated him when he was a child/teenager. My sister feels she does her bit by having my mum live there, which is true, but I think, rightly or wrong (I can't think straight) that it's me doing all the heavy lifting - the shopping trips, the GP, chiropodist & hospital visits, the bathing/hairwashing, DMs life admin -bank stuff pension stuff, and sorting the bungalow. It's me who DM complains to about the perceived selfishness of nieces, nephews in-laws etc.

I don't mean to sound so selfish & resentful. Im just so, so tired.

@notaflyingmonkey Glad the hospice was a lovely place for your Dad, and less stress for you all in his final days💐.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry to hear about your Dad, I know it’s no consolation but at least it wasn’t long and drawn out for him. I think this is how we’d like to see FIL go, quickly, for his sake. For MILs sake. I understand the reasoning of your Dads hospital stay .

There is DH, me DBIL DSIL and their son and daughter that have been helping, not so much of a rota but we all work different shifts, so come when we can. Whoever is there at the time changes the puppy pads if he gets wet in between carers, or makes him a brew.

He has puppy pads on the bed and MIL changes them during the night.
She has a baby monitor in her bedroom so she can hear him if he wakes up, but she won’t be able to carry on much longer I don’t think.

The sad thing is they were due to celebrate their 50th Wed anniversary in July 😪.

@notaflyingmonkey I think that’ll be the next step. The lady from the hospice asked MIL last week if she thought it it best that he went into the hospice to die rather than at home.

She hasn’t given them an answer yet. I think it’s probably for the best if he did, as she is a very small lady and can’t cope with the comings and goings and the night when she stays awake listening to his breathing ( baby monitor).

When my dad was at end of life with cancer he went into a hospice, as my mum was on her knees trying to cope with him at home. It was a lovely place (Macmillans) and it meant that we could spend time visiting with him, rather than trying to deal with his needs, like getting him to the toilet.

That is so sad. My dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and died within two weeks but he stayed in hospital which was a relief for me because I could not have coped with caring for mum while he was there as well - not because of any bad relationship between them but because when I was in the hospital with him I only had him to worry about.

Are you very involved in his care?

I get you @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, you can’t be everything all at the same time, and spread yourself thinly without any emotional and physical fallout.

FIL was diagnosed last August with having prostate kidney and bladder cancer, the last one being aggressive.

The surgeons wouldn”t operate as they say he’ll come off worse due to a stroke he had ten years ago, so he underwent radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things.

After his radiotherapy, he was called in for his results and the results showed his bladder cancer had spread and they gave him a year and sent him home.

They decided on a course of immunotherapy to help him, but before it started, he began having problems with his bladder constantly emptying and he stopped eating.
He was taken to hospital, where they found he also has stomach cancer, and was discharged with an end of life care plan, and given a matter of weeks now.

Its just so awful how quickly this has escalated 😪
He is on a bed downstairs, sleeping for hours on end, carers in four times a day, and the hospice is in touch constantly.

We’re all trying to keep a brave face on things, but it’s just awful seeing him a shadow of his former self.

Hello @CarnageAtTheAirport I'm not strictly a carer anymore as my mum is in a home but it has easier to put mum in a home than to take me out of carer mode!

Hi, please may I join?

I’ve been lurking on the thread now for a couple of days, and 💐 for you all and what you are going through.

Mum actually went to the sheltered housing jubilee party!
For an hour!
I'm still in shock 🙂
She's still not really eating but she had a drink
It's been a shitty half term week. I've felt dreadful, dh is grumpy, ds1 knackered from exams and ds2 has school worries 😟
Ds1 is finished now though and ds2 only has a 5 week term left....then no more morning alarm for 7 weeks!
We did get some lovely news on Friday...my dear friend is engaged!!! I'm so happy for her 💙

I know exactly how you feel, SicklyYellow. MIL is 100 now, blind and virtually deaf, with limited mobility and no pleasure left in life. Her short term memory is also pretty poor, but she still has capacity. She won’t move to a care home and is two hours’ drive from us, so it takes more than half a day to go and see her and come home. Naturally you can’t get there by public transport. It would transform our lives if she would just move to a home near us, but it’s not going to happen. DH is over 70 and I worry about him doing the drive solo; he’s in generally good health but gets tired easily now. The absolute non-negotiables are my job and DD’s education, and MIL is eating up all the energy left over from those. To be honest I want to cry and scream and throw things at the thought that this could go on for several more years, especially as my own mother is also getting frail and lives 300 miles away, but I can’t admit it in real life.

I messaged about a week ago about my DM95 going into a care home for respite.
Two weeks in and she's just tested positive for covid. I have no idea if she'll survive this as she is already living on borrowed time.

I also feel strangely calm about it. She has no quality of life and I think it would be a kindness for her to go, but then of course feel selfish and guilty about feeling like this

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Garden centres with cafes might be a better bet than traditional cafes because the parking tends to be better. There's the bonus of getting to look at plants if she has any interest in gardening.

I could easily do an afternoon tea at home but I think it's the going out that makes it special.

I'll see what's around locally...I was initially thinking of doing it instead of an afternoon tea in London on our weekend away hence wanting something a bit special but if it's just a way of including mum a bit something low key at a less busy time locally would work.

Just needs to have parking.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Someone organised a delivery afternoon tea for my lockdown birthday and it was a real treat. A friend was raving yesterday about the Morrisons takeaway tea, it's tea for two so there would be leftovers.

I found it a blessing when mum forgot her glasses so we had to read the menu to her but she couldn't see the prices. Just at the moment I sound just like her - "How much! I'm not paying that much for THAT" (Me, yesterday at £9 for something from a pop up food vendor, so no seat or tableware. I said it in my head which is the difference)

@MintyCedricRidesAgain could you get a takeaway afternoon tea for the three of you and maybe a friend of DD as well? I have done that a few times and it has been lovely. I decorate the table and use the best china and it meant that mum could still be involved without the hassle of getting her out! I know your mum is more able than mine was but you have different issues!

My parents think any meal over a fiver is way over priced... They eat out at 2 cafes every day of the week as my mum stopped cooking years ago, even their sandwiches are ready made! Managed to get them to have meals on wheels for a short while but dad decided it was too expensive, the joke now being that my mum will now only shop at the local co op etc and they spend a small fortune on food. Dad's latest thing is how dare the council charge him £35 a month council tax.