Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

@MissMarplesNiece I hear you on the stingy with petrol vs spending on other things - I recently had to sit down and be quite blunt with DM about it and she agreed to transfer me and DSis some funds for expenses.

If both you and your sister are getting ill with stress then you do need to sort something else for your DM though.

I had an episode of really bad depression about 18 months ago (and got put on antidepressants and put on weight and got prediabetes), which was partly due to my DM being very difficult to deal with. After this I realised my actions were going to shorten my own life if I kept jumping through hoops for DM and I needed to take a step back.

Tbh even if she didnt have capacity I'd be very lucky to get to speak to someone!

I had urgent bloods don't last week. I got a text yesterday for a phone consultation to discuss with a Dr for...23rd June!

I'm so worried about winter...how on earth we'll get timely access to healthcare locally is beyond me

@ChiswickFlo It must be difficult that your DM's GP won't talk to you. I'm lucky in that my DM's doctors always talk to me, both over the phone and f2f. I don't know how we'd manage otherwise.

I'll have a look tomorrow thank you

If she'll let you have a look in her mouth just see if it looks unusual - tongue coated or white spots on the tongue or very dark red might indicate thrush. You can't diagnose it formally without a direct test but the treatment is a mouth gel or a pill so usually doctors will just prescribe some to try. It can affect taste is what I'm thinking.

I'm not sure.
The copd nurse recently changed her inhaler..

No, not complan.
I've been trying to tempt her with her favourite things but....
She's told ds1 she wants a macdonalds so he's taking her tomorrow:)

Poor thing. Does she get oral thrush alongside the treatment? Grim if so.

Its usually fine tbh.
She has about 2 flare ups a year - one in summer and one in winter.
The not eating thing is since her last bout of sepsis (2 months ago)

Hmm. It's so hard to eat solid food when your chest is bad. Does she like Complan?

Mums copd is flaring up today so she's on her steriod rescue pack.
She did pop up for dhs bday tea and cake earlier, but had half a cup of tea and no cake 🤷‍♀️
She's really not well at all but the Drs are not interested. As she has capacity I cannot talk to them about her/her health.
She has a phone consultation on 7th July to discuss the repeat bloods (again) so something is still not right...she won't let me phone them and ask for a sooner one.
She is drinking a fortisip per day for "breakfast" but that's only 300 calories.
Pil cane round too. It's clear that he does have parkinsons now.
What a shitshow

It's alarming how the veneer of civilisation flakes away as we age. I worry occasionally about what I'll be like! My dad was so lovely when he was very ill. He didn't have much language left, but it was all 'How lovely to see you' and 'So kind!'.

I was discussing this with my DSis a few days ago and we thought, based on our experience of elderly relatives, that we keep the personality that we've always had but it gets "more concentrated" as we age, so a selfish person gets more selfish, a quiet person becomes more introverted, an angry person more angry.

My sister collapsed at home this morning & has been taken to A&E by ambulance. One of the suggested reasons for the collapse is exhaustion & stress. My DM really is the limit - DSis was lying in the hallway where she'd collapsed while paramedics examined her, DM was at the top of stairs. DBiL came out of bathroom & went to go down stairs. DM clung on to him telling him she was unwell and if he left her she'd collapse and fall down the stairs.

I got a message to say DM was distraught about DSis so I thought I'd better go round. Almost her first words to me was a complaint that no one had given her any breakfast. 🙄.

I am also annoyed because I found out that she gives my niece money for petrol and £200 spending money for a weekend away. All the miles and hours I've driven her and all I get is "you'll get your reward in heaven" Petrol at £1.80 a litre - I could do with a bit of recompense on Earth.

@MereDintofPandiculation just realised I misread doesn't as does🤦‍♀️

Oh no @MereDintofPandiculation we need him tired until MIL is safely in a care home. When he has had a good night he forgets the 13 out of 14 that isn't and the times he is crying down the phone about how hard it is. He convinces himself he can cope caring for someone profoundly disabled despite having stage 4 cancer, chronic kidney disease and poor mobility. When he has had a good night's sleep he fails to see the relevance of needing help to get dressed himself with regards to his ability to look after someone incapable of doing anything for herself. He is a proud, stubborn, controlling bugger and he is lashing out right now because it's all going and on top of that pain control is proving problematic.

@Clymene I deliberately put my phone number on the form so that they would contact me. There would have been no point them texting DM
So check which number went on your form

Ah thank you @lazymum99! I didn't help fill in the form - my sibling did - so will check if she's heard anything.

I don't care about the letter but would like the cash! (Well not me but them)

Applied for Attendance Allowance for my DM in March. Got a text confirming receipt 4 days later. And about 6 weeks later a payment hit her bank account and 4 weeks later got the next payment. Still haven’t got the letter though! But the money is more important!

Not counting any chickens but it looks like we may have some progress on the IL problem. Unless FIL gets a good night's sleep tonight and changes his mind again in the morning.🤞

I read that exexpat. Found it very telling and touching, and sometimes painful too. Though there were definitely differences. The complexity and mixed emotions for sure though.

@countrygirl99 I knew that really didn't I? No excuse except my mind not on the job.

I have deleted the rant about being asked to take MIL to a hospital appointment, it was reasonable that they should ask, it was reasonable that I declined.

When my aunt died when I was a child (she was 14 and I was 4) she just disappeared. Every photo was taken off the wall and hidden away. Her name wasn't mentioned, it was though she had never existed and it was all done to protect my grandmother. It took me years to understand the impact it had had on me and, long after my grandmother had died, I named my daughter after my aunt just to show that she was not forgotten.

Sorry, that was a bit of digression but I understand how difficult that must have been for you @picklemewalnuts when you needed comfort and support.

My mum said that when I was grieving for fostered babies that had moved on to their adopters. Wouldn't let me mention it at all.

Has anyone else read a graphic novel/memoir called "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?" It's by a New York artist/writer, about dealing with her elderly parents. I was just given a copy by a friend who is emerging out of the other side (difficult mother just died in her 90s). It is very funny but also all too painfully familiar, and very honest about the mixed emotions involved in having to spend so much time caring for people who were not necessarily the world's best parents.
www.amazon.co.uk/Cant-Talk-about-Something-Pleasant/dp/1632861011/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1654556106&sr=8-1

@Knotaknitter it's ILs, my dad died a few months ago and mum was definitely the boss in that relationship.
The day centre MIL goes to a couple of days a week phoned because they are concerned that FIL isn't coping. They call me because I'm sat at a desk so easy to get hold of in an emergency. They wanted to suggest emergency respite, I updated them in the assessment situation and they are going to talk to Social Services. Will go down a bomb and I'm sure FIL will call me all the names under the sun ( and not for the first time) but I have a hide like a rhino sometimes.