Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Finally I've found you all again, I've missed being here - I somehow hid the thread and wondered where it had gone! Just catching up on all the news now.

@Knotaknitter, great advice, I try to let the digs wash over me but most of the time I end up snarking back, not ideal but she makes me so mad!

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry your DH is on chemo, like @thesandwich, I also live in Cancerland and understand how tough it is on him and of course on you too, sending hugs Xx.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain I smiled at your DM being on turbo whinge, mine is like this all the time, her latest rants featuring Boris and the parties, how she'll never vote Tory, the rail strikes, the cost of living, and the old faithful Covid, on and on and on.

Since I accidentally hid the thread, DM has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and oedema of her ankles and has been prescribed diuretics. She's incandescent with rage, as to her, illness 'doesn't exist' and also claims that her BP 'wasn't that high 6 months ago'. I strongly suspect she isn't taking the tablets, 10 days in and her ankles look the same to me 🙄. She was also scammed by 'the fraud department at the bank' last week (no money taken but a lot of sensitive information divulged) and this was a full 48 hours of high drama. I've told her relentlessly not to engage if someone says they're from the bank, they will never ask for your PIN, other information or to move money but she fell for all of that and only became suspicious when they told her 'not to tell anyone'. She still doesn't really understand it wasn't the bank. She fell for the Amazon scam a couple of years ago and another one I can't remember prior to that. Now that she's been to the branch, had her cards cancelled and account frozen for a week, she's the cat who got the cream, boasting how she 'wasn't going to fall for it and no-one is going to tell me what to do'. She's harder work than ever.

So pleased to have finally found you all again and I'm so sorry to read of all the struggles on here .

Hello all, just popping in- 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. So far so good. Been lovely to step back from m. Will be interesting to see how long I can maintain that…. Bruvs have been good, carers v good…..
sorry to read all the challenges you are facing. And @Knotaknitter is spot on with her advice, @MintyCedricRidesAgain . Nod and smile.
sending good wishes@MereDintofPandiculation. Thinking of you.

Standard answer on repeat Minty - "Oh, that's nice" If challenged, follow with a side order of "yes, but I can't see what it's got to do with me". The digs only work if they land, if you let them sail over your head then they are a waste of time. I found that MIL wouldn't follow up and say in words what she was trying to guilt me with because actual words would have made it sound nasty and leave her no room to wiggle out of what she was saying. She must have thought I was so slow on the uptake because I was oblivious to rolled eyes, sighing and huffing.

And now the endless comparisons with other people and subtle digs have started...

"X has already paid of their mortgage..."

"Y was always so good with their money..."

"Z always includes their mum in everything..."

@Marylou62 that sounds really distressing...I hope your Dad is feeling more comfortable now.

I am on my regular Sunday visit to mum and starting to wonder if it's inevitable to get so cantankerous as one ages.

She just literally expects the entire world to revolve around her 100% of the time because 'I'm 83...' and 'I've just lost my husband...' 🙄.

Current issue is that she needs a diabetic check up which has been scheduled at a hospital other than our local one. It makes the trip twice as long but since I'll be driving her I have no idea why that is such a huge problem, but I guess it's 'the principle'...she's been on turbo whinge for about 40.minutes.

Hi everyone..Although I don't (can't because I'm useless!) mention you all by name I'm reading all about your highs and lows and sending gin and hugs through the airwaves..

Since my last post on the 07/06 it went quiet on the parents front. (secretly enjoying it if I'm honest as I knew it might not last) Mum was eventually moved to a temporary CH and my family have a rota and she gets a visit every day..She still asks to come home and gets cross when she realizes she can't ..DB says its awful listening to her plead and say she'll be a 'good girl'..But she doesn't have the 'wide eyed terror' much anymore.. (altho I have weekends off I work till 8pm Friday night so unless it's an emergency I don't go to visit.. plus with the petrol prices it cost about £100 a trip!)..(why am I 'justifying' this to you all..I know you will all understand ..It's just that I feel so so so guilty..)

After Dad actually making that Dr's appt (he must have been feeling really really ill) he wouldn't let my DB in to it..he was seen by a paramedic?? who (according to dad),dismissed my dads feelings of depression and grief. Dad said he opened up to him and cried.
He didn't even examine him for the terrible abdominal pain he's been suffering for months(??) just said he'd make an urgent appt for urology.. Dad came out crying from the appt and DB said it was awful to see..(it just reinforces my Dad's view that nobody cares. It takes a lot for my dad to ask for help)

Anyway things were quiet until my Dad called DB at 2am on Wednesday. He was admitted straight away to a ward where they promptly drained 3 litres!! from his bladder. My poor dad..must have been so painful...Oh... and oxygen levels in the 80s.....He's still in hospital where he's having tests.

Don't even get me started on him refusing to listen when I gently suggested both O2 and a catheter weeks ago! But here we are..DB said not to rush up as he's comfortable now.

I'm going next weekend as our DD has her final vet nurse exam on Saturday morning in North London. So I'm driving her up, going to visit both DPs, pop in to Nieces wedding then home on Sunday. Phew...
I really hope all of you have as peaceful a time as possible..

Sending supportive gin and hugs @TheIoWfairy

It's my second Father's Day without mine but only just...tomorrow is the anniversary of Dad's funeral.

I've been 'fortunate' I suppose that with everything going on I haven't had a great deal of time to think about. The work thing dragged on for over a fortnight while we tried to mitigate the situation and find a way round it, but the employer was public sector with a watertight process for new starters so that was that.

Then supporting my mate through her catastrophic move and planning for her to come here.

Tomorrow we're visiting one of the uni's DD is considering and Sunday I've got mum in the morning and wine tasting in the afternoon!

I'd just say take Sunday as it comes...your Dh is bound to realise it will be difficult for you. Can you talk to him beforehand? How old is your DD?

I think the important thing is knowing you have the freedom to deal with any feelings should they come up, whether that means having a cry or taking half an hour away from everyone.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain that's a bit rubbish of your previous colleagues. Anyway to you and @notaflyingmonkey I hope your new prospects let you move on towards a less encumbered futures.
@countrygirl99 have a happy trip and relax
I spent a rather intense family weekend a few days ago but I think the effort was noted and I'm enjoying a bit of peace and quiet.
Am a bit sad about my first Father's Day without DF and it's only the second without DFiL - don't want to ruin DH and DDs day. I'm keeping a low profile. DM is ignoring it all as it's not about her. Any tips?

The sale of DM's house finally (and somewhat unexpectedly) went through this week, and I am away so can't cancel the insurance etc, but will worry about all that when I get back. So we're entering a new stage of things.

Hope everyone's getting off to a good start today.

@Haribo how's it going with the sedatives? I'm gobsmacked they suggested it tbh. No-one seemed to be remotely interested in doing or prescribing anything that would help us as carers as it was all about the 'patient's voice'...never mind that Dad was frequently away with the pixies and could change his mind from one sentence to the next!

@countrygirl am soooo glad you got away but sorry it was such a stressful start to your trip

@BestisWest glad your mum's cataract op has improved her quality of life...am taking mine for a consultation for hers in a couple of weeks, can only hope for the same.

@OnthePiste glad your mum is okay and your night out wasn't ruined. I'm a big fan of small plates...but always best not to do the maths!

@Chiswick I'm not sure how Fortisip works but you could you get something similar is sachet form and then use 2 to the same amount of liquid to double the calories?

@MrsRussell that's bloody awful and good for you for standing your ground. Totally agree with Knot...not your circus, not your monkeys.

Apologies if I've missed anyone...there's a lot to catch up on!

So I've been on hiatus as once again, life has been lobbing the curve balls at me.

As you all know my former employer wasn't the most supportive or flexible during my dad's decline, and apparently they're keeping up their efforts even though I've left the bloody place.

They supplied a reference for the new job which has ultimately resulted in the conditional offer being recinded...so that's fun 🙄😡.

Fortunately I was in discussions with a local company with freelance work and they're happy to have me back on board. It's only part-time but every little helps.

My best mate is also moving in as my lodger as her move to a new flat share has gone pear shaped, so the rent will help.

However, mum is throwing an epic wobbly because I'm happy to have her stay with me, but wouldn't move back in with her.

She's currently out in the garden sobbing and smoking...

Well done on the progress with the house @Knotaknitter . I live 300 miles away from DM and don’t drive, so when I used to go I’d spend the weekend filling rubbish sacks in the garage and then paid someone to take them away - it used to be £50 - £75 a time. Not sure how that compares with the cost of a skip

I'm posting to punt this to the top of the page, there's always someone who needs to see that they are not alone with their issues.

All well here, I found the V5 for the mum's car which was not in the file of important things but in the spare bedroom in a file marked "car". I also found the missing marriage certificate which was quite reasonably filed in a big envelope with dad's probate stuff. Less reasonably it was in the bedside cabinet in the other spare bedroom. The car has gone, I've dealt with both banks so it's back to the continuing job of house clearance. If I fill her bins and my car once a week it will get done although (Knitter has bright idea that has not previously occurred) now the car has gone I have room for a skip. I don't think my back would take the work involved in doing everything all at once so maybe I'll stick with slow and steady.

MIL was an absolute joy this week, bright, chatty, laughing. When I think what she's been like for the last few years it was a pleasure to see. She's been in the care home for nine months after it was deemed not to be in her best interests to return home after the latest in a long line of frequent falls. Out of nowhere she's planning to go "home", would I take her, are the buses running, is it too far to walk (it's more than 20 yards so yes). Lack of door keys was not a problem as she was sure her neighbour had a spare bed. I don't know whether her improved condition has meant that she's realised that she's not at home or whether something has set her off but it was totally unexpected.

Have a great trip @countrygirl99 hope you managed to get some sleep.

You too @notaflyingmonkey you deserve a decent break without wondering whats going on with your DM at home. She's being well looked after so you can relax.

DM managed to have another fall in the CH on Saturday evening and hit her head again. I was out for dinner with DH for his birthday when they rang me. Ambulance called but after being checked over she was deemed fine to stay put. This really does reinforce the fact that she needs to have 24 hour care. If she had been at home, that would have been me summoned to deal with her. Fortunately I was able to stay and enjoy my very overpriced "small plates" meal, whats that all about?! Tiny portions to share for the same price as a main course in a regular restaurant!

We are at Nairobi Airport, next flight is breakfast time tomorrow but have found some not too uncomfortable chairs to sleep in. Have caught up with WhatsApp group and FIL is much better but going kept in for monitoring and MIL has a place in the preferred home tomorrow. Phew.

Have a wonderful holiday @countrygirl99. Well deserved! Glad you managed to get away.

I have to say that I’m amazed in the difference in DM since she had her cataracts done last month. Every time I go there she’s either out in the garden pottering about or cleaning something. Her mobility is still not great but since she is more active it can only help.
Her memory is not great but it’s not worse either.

@countrygirl99 I've just caught up with the thread. My heart was in my mouth! So glad you have gone. Have a wonderful time.

I interpreted the shocked Kindle to be at the choice of reading materials downloaded!

@countrygirl99 so glad to read that your journey's well under way. Have a great holiday!

Whizzed through security and now getting breakfast. We have 10 hours to kill overnight at Nairobi Airport now but my kindle is well shocked.

Have just had to look up what a ruby is - wow, that's seriously impressive! Glad that you are going and that your flights should now work @countrygirl99 . Hope you manage to enjoy your time away. I buggered off on holiday yesterday from Gatwick on the Bad Daughters Airline, and things seemed to be ok re flights and getting through security etc.

Mindful that is was 6 months ago while I was on holiday that DM had a massive stroke. But I can feel the difference in me from not being the daughter round the corner factotum anymore.

I'm so very glad you're going. A ruby wedding anniversary is something special.

BIL2 is stepping up, so get packed, get off and hopefully have a good time. There's never going to be a good time to go, there's always likely to be something happen even just with a sneaky weekend away. You've waited so long for this and you are so close now.

We are going. Have managedto speak to airline and they have transferred us to an earlier flight from London so we are running round sorting the stuff we thought we had all morning to do.
🐘🦓🦁 here we come