Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

Good evening lovely ladies, hoping everyone is as good as they can be.

My DM has surpassed herself this week. She triumphantly announced yesterday lunchtime that she's bought herself a house in my road, all terraced houses, 4 doors down and on the opposite side, so mine is in full view of 'hers'! I can't remember ever being so shocked. She claims she viewed it and agreed on the sale 'about 10 days ago' and only told my golden sister the previous evening. However, later on in the evening when we spoke, she caught herself out in her lie, they have both been plotting behind my back! I am so hurt and upset, the reason she didn't tell me is that she knows I won't like it and be difficult and she's right on both counts. I told her that I feel she has gone behind my back and she snarked that she 'doesn't need permission' which is true but I explained that I'm so upset she didn't tell me as it just isn't what you do with your daughter who has every right to know she's gaining you as a neighbour when you rely on her so heavily for shopping, running her around to appointments, being her handyman-finder, computer fixer, therapist and general punchbag. I wasn't that blunt but I explained that I'm hurt that she has been so sly and she said wearily, 'oh well, soooorrreee'. That's me told. She's furious that DD and I aren't thrilled and at the same time, will expect help with her intended move while she strops and sulks like a toddler when things don't go exactly her way. She's demonstrated that my sister is her ally, even though she hasn't made a state visit to see her mother for nearly a year! I'm still wondering if this is all a bad dream!

That was in response to this

Hmm, but the wilful blindness to this situation makes for a difficult dynamic. It seems that so often it’s a medical crisis that forces the hand.
I am taking mental notes and I hope that I will be aware and realistic if it’s me in the future - though I’m learning quite a few tricks about how to behave if I don’t feel cooperative!😉

It's all such a theme. Over 2 days since my mum was admitted into hospital and we've had a brief update from a nurse. I guess we should be grateful, but I want to talk to a doctor. And we've been told in no uncertain terms that they won't put a DNACPR in place. I'm absolutely gobsmacked. I wonder if we can be talking at cross purposes; they surely can't mean that if my 87 year old severely disabled mother's heart stops, they will break her ribs and brutalise her to get it going again, with a likely outcome of an even worse quality of life than her current very poor one? They surely can't mean that. And yet that's what we've been told.

Oh and adult services have recommended a charity helpline that my dad can apparently call (so who missed the bit about him being totally deaf and refusing/unable to use the phone?). I told them clearly that we are struggling massively with mum's complete change of character and behaviour.. social workers response is that we can notify the GP even though the GP won't discuss her with us due to no consent and we should notify the police if she hits dad again...

It was completely unsustainable as it was countrygirl. If someone's chosen life depends completely on a separate family, at some point that family will have other needs. Hope you can all move forward now.

@countrygirl99 I am glad that you got away. Being unreachable will have pushed the situation forward rather than letting it be supported to limp along for another few months. I'm sorry to hear that FIL is back in hospital but MIL is in the right place for the level of care that she needs.

@PermanentTemporary we were do thankful we managed to get all the processes and assessments in place the week before we went. It was obvious to everyone that FIL couldn't cope anymore and the crisis was imminent. We were getting daily calls from various people like the care company, MILs day centre and the emergency alarm people. By Sunday there was nothing more we could do except drop everything when the crisis happened but when it did we had just polished off a bottle of wine with dinner.

@Lightuptheroom that's so frustrating. @countrygirl99 so glad you had a great trip! And maybe it has made a definitive shift in the situation?

DM has been admitted to hospital with a DVT. The nursing home always say they will talk to us before starting treatment but they never do. Still, I doubt there was a choice in this case.

Back from our holiday and it was great. Best thing was, as we were camping in the bush a lot we were sadly lacking in phone/email/WhatsApp etc 😊.
MIL was admitted to a care home 2 days after we left and FIL has been admitted to hospital 3 times, currently still there, so not before time.

Well, we thought we'd got a few things sorted, how wrong we were. Dad visited a day centre on Friday, liked it, agreed to go 11am-1pm one day a week.... Minor miracle as he won't agree to anything normally... By last night my mum rang me telling me that he was instructing her that I was to cancel is as he wasn't going. At the same time I had a message from mum's friend that mum had told her that 'the centre' had no place for my dad as he wasn't 'bad enough' for them. Day centre has confirmed that they didn't contact my mum, goodness only knows whats going on there, but we suspect my mum may have walked into a care facility for severely disabled youngsters which runs in their local area and asked them to take my dad....
So, now back to square one ....

Thank you @MintyCedricRidesAgain

On the bright side, at least yours isn't copping off with the carer in the next room 🙄!

😮😮😮 I don’t think MIL would have the strength to …. 😂

I think she wants him to go into the hospice as soon as the bed is available.
We appreciate she struggles with him during the night when he needs changing/moving positions, it’s just the, to use your words, lack of awareness in what she is saying. She does ring DBIL who lives round the corner to help sometimes when things get too much.

She keeps ringing the hospice up since hearing he is on top of the list, but they are not answering due to the covid outbreak and obviously busier than ever.
She is most impatient and now doesn’t shut up about that.

I'm sorry @CarnageAtTheAirport ...my mum was very similar in her complete lack of awareness.

On the bright side, at least yours isn't copping off with the carer in the next room 🙄!

I hope your dad's pain continues to be well managed. Is there scope for hospice care at home if necessary?

Sorry for the long rant.

Good morning all.
Just an update on FIL.

He is now on IV morphine for the pain, which has got worse in the last few days.
He is on top of the list for a bed at the hospice should one become free, though there is a covid outbreak there at the moment.

MIL is already talking about his funeral whilst he is in the same room, grrrrr ffs, even though I have hinted as nicely as possible that he can hear her even though he is sleeping/dozing. He proved that when DH went down last week . They were talking about our new car while he was asleep or maybe just dozing, When we went down on Father’s Day, he asked about our new car.

So we’re worried that this constant talk about funerals will make him decline quicker than he already is.

Before this late stage, she kept on telling him he has cancer and he told her to shut up, as did we. Now it’s funeral arrangements.

I know MIL likes to be thought of as being an organised person, but sometimes this is ahead of any kind of sentimentality/feeling of the other person involved.

Hmm. Why is she telling you and not your sister?

I think in these circumstances I'd compare notes with your sister and consider whether to go to the police or just manage it from now. I'd suggest to her that perhaps she could stop carrying so much cash around? Could your sister operate things online instead?

I'm worried and don't know what to do. My mum takes around £200 out of the bank every couple of weeks. She gives some to my Dsis(she lives with Dsis & family) if my Dsis orders anything online for her, various amounts to anyone who runs an errand for her, washes her hair etc.

Yesterday she told me that someone has been stealing her money - she says about £70 over the last week or so. She had noticed there wasn't as much money in her purse as there should be so had started to keep a note of how much she had spent and there is £70 not accounted for.

She told me who she suspected but she has no proof that it is who she thinks that it is. I know that she doesn't really like this particular person (a touch of the green eyed monster, I think) and often complains to me about something they've done/haven't done - stupid things like how vain they are because they wash their hair every day.

My mum has got a bit of a mean/spiteful streak and I really don't know what to make of it all. I believe that there is less money in the purse than there should be. I don't know what to do about it.

We are away for a short break. Day two and so far I have dealt with the nurse at the dementia clinic wanting a BP reading from DM, a text to pick up a prescription for DM and her best friend panicking because she wasn’t answering the phone. I’ve blithely pointed them all in the direction of my brother. I may be a bit cross because he swans off to his caravan every Friday to Monday. There is no mobile signal at his caravan.

That's a bit sad @Knotaknitter, the thought of inventing the family you wished you had. (To be fair, I invented myself a sibling when I was in my 20s, but we thought it was funny to tell people we were brother and sister rather than anything else.)

I always got the impression that mum preferred my sister to me, except that I was an only child. She thought I had a sister and two brothers except that was her family when she was growing up. She had lots of memories of two boys and two girls playing except they weren't her children.

@MrsRussell Great idea, let your brother do it all. He must be itching to get involved. If care home residents need to be accompanied to hospital they find additional staff for that so it should be possible for her to hire an escort if she needs one (I heard £10 an hour bandied around this week which I though was a good deal). Given your history and her manipulative behaviours there are really good reasons for keeping your distance.

@MrsRussell oh dear, that sounds so hard and so frustrating and on top of all that being hassled by the care home, it's really not what you need. I don't know what to make of them saying they'll ask the brother you don't have.

Feeling a bit fcked off with life today, and sorry that I'm still seeing all my old friends in the same circumstances.
She's given notice on the flat, but it's still full of shte. (I'd have done it the other way about, cleared the flat and THEN given notice, but what do I know? I only said that at the time...)
The care home are now after me on a weekly basis, am I sure I can't help? Can I not help even a tiny bit? Can I not take her over there to collect her things?

They've also said if I can't help they'll ask my brother.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BROTHER.
Christ alone knows where my mysterious random brother has come from.
Aaaaaand she doesn't have a social worker any more.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you for that advice. I really hadn't considered the implications of walking with all the excess fluid. Her ankles aren't enormous but are very noticeably swollen. Another thing which has concerned me for years is that she hardly ever visits the bathroom. I either take her grocery shopping or get her a delivery and she hasn't bought any loo rolls since the 6 pack (of really cheap ones) she bought in November 😮. It's rather pedantic but yesterday I calculated her usage which is 6 and a half sheets a day, she drinks very little but this is ridiculous. DD26 and I had a bet around March time as to when she would buy more with the prize being a bag of Revels. Is there a bad granddaughters' bench too? DM has been utterly vile to DD too who now refuses to visit her and so her contact is limited to when DM is invited to ours, the last time being when we decided to do a duty meal for Mother's Day.