Is it ok to not like your mum as an adult?

I loved my mum, but I’m sad to say I didn’t respect her much. She seemed anti women; ran round after the men of the family as if they were gods and thought us girls should just get wed and raise babies.

When I was pregnant with dd1, I mooted going back to work after her arrival. It was made very clear to me that she would not be prepared to do any child care. I think she lived to regret that, seeing many of her peers have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren.

We learn much from our parents. I learned about how I would never parent girls; I make every effort to show them how valued and valuable they are, that they are capable of anything, that their respect has to be earned and that gender does not define them. I’m sure they will learn much about how not to parent from me!

I feel a bit the same @Oceanswirl and I'm sorry it's been so hard. Mine isn't quite as hard work, but I identify a lot of the attitudes and behaviours.

Worth googling Fear, Obligation and Guilt if you're not familiar with it.

To cope I tell her nothing personal (and she gossips anyway) and keep it all superficial and avoiding as best possible the triggers for her nonsense although that can be impossible. If she tries to raise something to feed her tendencies I change the subject, make an excuse to leave the room (loo, cup of tea) and just deal with her purely on a surface level. If we have to see her and my dad we visit them so we can have control of how long we are there for

This advice from @Calmamongthechaos would be the best I could give you

I have this with my mother OP. She genuinely thinks she was the best mother to us growing up and now when our experience of her is the exact opposite. I often wonder how she can think that and deluded is a phrase that I too use with her. She has no insight whatsoever into how she comes across. She’s older now but not quite elderly although I almost feel triggered knowing what’s to come as I know exactly how she will behave.

To cope I tell her nothing personal (and she gossips anyway) and keep it all superficial and avoiding as best possible the triggers for her nonsense although that can be impossible. If she tries to raise something to feed her tendencies I change the subject, make an excuse to leave the room (loo, cup of tea) and just deal with her purely on a surface level. If we have to see her and my dad we visit them so we can have control of how long we are there for.

I’d love to tell her what I think but I know it would never change anything and she has zero capacity for any criticism no matter how mild. It’s very sad but I focus on the other relationships that I have instead.

I feel similar.
My mother has played the victim card for years now ( dad died 14 yrs ago ) she’s very needy and she has not left the house now for 2 yrs. She has said she will never go out again. I have pulled back a lot recently as spending time with her was so challenging. She was everything I am not as a parent. She was selfish and neglectful during my teenage years when I needed her more than any other time. I left as soon as I could. My daughter is showered with love and support where I had very little. I know she loves me deeply and I love her but I find it hard to forgive how she wasn’t there for me yet I am expected to be there for her. I feel like a bloody awful daughter and I really want to not be that daughter but I am still really sad and angry with her though I can’t tell her. It’s awful.

Why would she be devastated without your relationship? If she valued it why would she then be passive aggressive to you and lacking in empathy when you seek advice? It sounds like she doesn't value your relationship but she wants to be seen by others as a perfect mother. Which she clearly isn't at all.

She may think she is the best mum ever but, unless you are actually telling her that then, from what you have written, she is deluded. She may have had a poor role model herself so while she did the best she could it was not good enough.

Someone can be a good friend to others (who never really depend on her for anything) but not a good parent to small children needing support. As an adult, if you can't get the support, friendship and mutual love and respect that you need from her then stop trying. Devote your time to others who you can build strong relationships with.

You can still see her from time to time when it suits you. Otherwise tell her you are busy, tired, have Covid etc. But if you now expect nothing from her and you will cease to be disappointed.

Ynbu. Yes it is OK to dislike whoever you want, including your mother. There's a board on here somewhere called 'But we took you to stately homes as a child' or something similar.

Basically you just go low or no contact.