Is it ok to not like your mum as an adult?

I can relate OP. I adored my Mum but then I ended up having to come to terms with who she actually was and not who I wished she was. Same went for my other family members. There was significant child abuse that came out from my family of origin that prompted this evaluation. It was deeply painful but genuinely ultimately better to deal with this rather than tip toe around my mother and family for the rest of my life. I don’t like them now never mind love them. Very sad stuff for anyone to handle. Do it with a great therapist is my advice.

I don't feel able to go very far into details about my own abusive childhood but OP, your post resonated with me so much.

It sounds terrible to anyone who doesn't know or understand but I can't wait for her to die. Only then will I feel free.

I can totally relate OP except my own mother isn’t a narc. I know that I feel better when I sped less time in her company as she drains me. This article sums up everything about our relationship

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/feb/16/indifferent-towards-mother

I went to counselling a couple of years ago as I was struggling with a lot of things and after shaking the bottle of my life, she was the foam that rose to the top. I realised that all the things I did for my kids, she never did for me. All the wrong choices I made were because I was making them because it was what was expected of me rather than what was good for me. But it’s hard for me to define because I know no different and I have happy memories of my childhood. But when I see other family dynamics I realise just how much was missing from mine.

After much reading and research I stumbled across the term ‘Childhood Emotional Neglect’ and it totally resonated with me www.modernintimacy.com/10-surprising-signs-of-childhood-emotional-neglect/

I saw less of my Mum and tried to see her as an old lady I helped out once a week. I got through it. But, and it’s a big but, she recently was very I’ll and I feel more obliged than ever to be more of a presence in her life (That Fear Obligation Guilt thing mentioned upthread). It means my mental health has taken a whack again. I need to pull back but the guilt is overwhelming. It’s a terrible thing to say or even think, but if she’d quietly passed away it would have been easier for me.
it’s brought a whole raft of family dynamic issues to the surface again where me and my siblings just don’t really have much to say to each other and I feel like I’m five years old again with no one listening to me. I then come across as stroppy and angry but it’s because I feel like no-one ever treats me like I am a free thinking adult who might actually be right about some things. My DH can’t quite understand how I allow myself to be affected by it so much. But I can’t help it. It’s like PTSD.

So to answer your question OP, yes it’s perfectly ok and normal to dislike your own mother. They are but humans and no-one is perfect. The unconditional motherly love that is foisted around like a must have brand is sadly lacking for many. I wish you every good thing to be able to process what you need to process and to find some space in your life to do so. I hear you OP.

I've gone LC with my DM I can't cope with her behaviour. DF I think has dementia and has always been quite nasty towards us all, but now whenever I speak to or see her she instantly moans and complains at me non stop about his behaviour. I understand its difficult and frustrating living with him, but any helpful suggestions I make are dismissed. BUT I also feel that she is complaining about his behaviour and how he's treating her with a very short memory, he was awful to me and my DS now the heats on her and she's his target for the bullying we should care? Why? She didn't ever stop him when it was children suffering at his hands

I really get this too and second looking at the stately homes forums. Very funny and brilliant ot help you not feel alone.

I stopped liking my mother about 20 years ago after a succession of nasties from her - just massively self centered and not getting it. Her highlights were "never mind its probably for the best" on learning of my best friends death, I dont have good coping strategies but dont tell her anything basically, try not to expect much, certainly not a normal relationship.

She uses me as an emotional crutch and has since was a child- but to be honest her life is charmed,no money worries, nothing health related til recently, she got divorced at 30 still had my dads photo up at 50 - . A very self obsessed person. Its definately affected me but am having to fight it. Shes now old so I shoudl feel sorry and empathic to her, but my "niceness" supplies are in v shallow. Only so much left !

My mother is just the same, even down to the getting annoyed when I was upset as a child. Everything is about her and she can't see that I'm a separate individual from her.

I'd recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - it has lots of advice to help you deal with this behaviour and engage with it less. Once you can emotionally disengage and just observe it for what it is, it becomes a lot easier to deal with.

Hi OP,

I could have written your post several years ago. Towards the end of our relationship, my mother made my skin crawl. I very much related to your line : "tension disguised under feigned motherliness".

When I did therapy my therapist told me my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. When I later did EMDR, the therapist told me that my mother was a sociopath.

We've not spoken in around 10 years and my life is better for it. I've spent much of my adult life picking up the pieces of a very damaging childhood and trying to heal the trauma. No way was I going to spend my life doing that then take care of her in her old age.

Early on in your posts OP you said she had a very difficult relationship with her own mum, and I think realising the level of damage she suffered can help, and help explain her behaviour as "damaged" not vindictive, uncaring, etc. - so it can feel less personal and hurtful to you.

I'd also suggest having some psychoanalytic psychotherapy with someone registered on BACP website. PP particularly looks into historical familial relationships and helps you to untangle them and find best ways forward. I found it really helpful.

And gentle distancing - not just in concrete things like visits, but mentally so you become less invested. But you almost need to do it by stealth so she gets used to the "new less" and it avoids "that conversation" over again.

I've found if I see my relationship with her as if she's my sister rather than my mother (so cutting out any expectations of a mother/child type relationship and becoming viewed as one of equals) it's subtly changed my expectations of the relationship for the better - and more accurately matches what she's able to give. And allows me to feel more able to distance when needed. It changes the "power balance".

This resonates with me, particularly the conflict between wanting a great mother-daughter relationship and not being prepared to know the other person well enough to have one. I think @vincettnoir said it well. Your feelings are absolutely ok but it’s not easy to untangle them in this type of relationship.

Does she have a personality disorder? I’m almost certain my mother has borderline personality disorder.

Have you tried the grey rock method - it helped me with my mother..
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#takeaway

Also, i just wanted to share this poem as i wish my parents understood the idea behind it!

On Children
By Kahlil Gibran

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”

The way you feel about your dm is not uncommon, sadly. It sounds like the image she portrays of herself is very different from your experience of her and that is confusing for you. I think you need to take a step back and fully accept who she is with all her limitations. It sounds like she is not capable of helping you with the things you are struggling with so accept that and seek the support you need elsewhere. Other posters have said that she will probably never recognise her failings and I think they are correct.

I would then think about what kind of relationship with her would suit you. How often would you like to see her and in what setting? She might not like the new status quo but she has less power over you than you think.

Perhaps you feel conflicted at the moment but over time it is likely that you will clearer about who she is to you and how you would like her to fit in your life.

I am trying to unpick some of these issues myself. I have spent a whole lifetime confused about all my family dynamics. I gaslight myself all.the time and screw my head up trying to decide if I am making a mountain out of a mole hill or not.
I so relate to the pp who said their epitaph would be they tried to please their mother . In my case mother and father.

I have tried my utmost to raise my own children differently and I think I have not I still have no true sense if who I really am. it is such a drain on my mental reserves.
Ultimately I love my parents dearly so it is v hard to acknowledge any of this and confronting them would be pointless so I think I turn it on myself which is not helpful at all.

Don't let her make you feel bad because of your mother's abuse, and that's what it is.

No or low contact is the way to go.

As I got older I started playing her games back on her. So she would expect to be the first to be told any news so I would let other people know and let them tell her.

It amused me.

I also used to call out her lies, not to her but to others eg to my brother. When anyone asked if we were twins she would always say there was 18 months between us, but there wasn't.

At her funeral I just felt bored, until my cousin almost had me corpsing.

I think the reason you're confused is because you are both respectful and disrespectful of her feelings.

So, she judges you negatively/is passive aggressive etc, and you find those things unacceptable, but then you are still trying not to hurt her and feel guilty for judging her negatively.

The reason you're struggling to have boundaries is because it's impossible to place a boundary when you don't know where you stand. You're asking if it's ok not to like her; who makes the rules for you about what you are and aren't allowed to like? This search for an external set of rules about what you should feel is something you need to end. We can't choose how we feel. Imagine if we could! We'd all love the gym and we'd fall in love with people who were a good idea. We'd all choose to thoroughly enjoy work, and we'd all choose to be happy. Feelings are something you have to accept, and, if you present them respectably to the outside world, the world has to accept them too. You don't like your mum because she treats you unpleasantly; all that that demonstrates is that, internally, emotionally, you have good boundaries. Someone treats you poorly, and you don't like them, as a result.

Don't question your feelings. Work out what they're telling you. 'I need her not to be in my life any more'? 'I need to only see her once a month, tops'?

The only boundaries lesson you (or anybody else) need to learn can be put in one sentence: Stay away from people and situations that make you feel crap.

I'm very similar. I have no advice. It sucks. I can't even try to put boundaries in because she passive aggressively preempted that by saying "I'm so worried you'll try and boss me around one day"... even though I have NEVER done anything of the sort! So now any time I even consider saying anything other than polite chit chat, my head screams "don't be bossy". Sigh.

I hear ya. Sometimes I think my whole family are colluding in this fictional life to maintain my mother's belief that she was / is a great mum. In many ways she is / was, in others... my sister has been in therapy for years (mother just brushes that aside, says she doesn't know what she finds to talk to the therapist about). I'm less affected but I do know that extended time in my mothers company is really bad for my mental health, so I take steps to avoid this happening. I live abroad, only see them maybe 2-3 times a year. I definitely keep things superficial: she butts in with her 'helpful' advice on everything, so there's no point in giving her even more ammunition. She's actually OK one-to-one, in a family situation she's a nightmare though.

How close do you live to her OP? How much time do you spend together? Do you have siblings? I'm so grateful that my sister and I are close and on the same page regarding our mum: reassures both of us that we aren't going mad!

It is ok to keep your distance OP. Give yourself permission to do so. I did this, and it was transformative.

My epitaph will read "she tried to please her mother".

That was me until about 48. At 48 I told her she had hurt me, she glossed over decades of casually labelling me paranoid. I forgive the past but strangely it was the glossing over it in the present like it bored her that hurt me. I told her. And OMG she has been a martyr since then. She is the victim of me. She has given me the silent treatment, stonewalled me, talked about me not to me, thrown a long list of other labels at me too, as well as the original ones. If I couldn't handle being paranoid on a regular basis then I don't know why she thought calling me abusive, detached from reality and entitled would help.

My mum is the same @alicew89 a people pleaser to everybody except me

I've said this many times on here op. When ds1 was born I recall holding him in my arms knowing my purpose was to love, nurture and protect him. In that moment I knew I could never hurt him, emotionally or otherwise and that he was part of the centre of my universe. I wept, knowing in that moment I had never known a mother's true love.

When dd was 12, she asked how I'd put up with her, coming home from a week at grannie's accompanied by constant digs and nag, nag, nag until she did what grannie wanted. She refused ever to go again. In that moment I realised it wasn't me who had always been inadequate.

I have learnt much on the Stately Homes threads. My mother is a classic narcissist. My father wouldn't enable her, step 1 wouldn't, step 2 had for the last 40 years.

My childhood appeared charmed. Beautiful house, wonderful holidays, stunning and "charming" mother who my friends were in awe of, even a pony. But no mother's love. Looking back she has fallen out with so many people and I still get Christmas cards from some of her close chums with whom she has not contact now. For years I was regarded as the difficult daughter. They know and I know that they know although never a word has passed about it.

My epitaph will read "she tried to please her mother".

I hear you op. Move on and away from her emotional grasp.

Oh OP, I could have written your post a few years ago! It resonates so much with me. You are describing my mother.

I had a long thread on MN a couple of years ago which helped massively. I finally realised how emotionally abusive she had been. In my 40s, I still hadn't really realised!

The past couple of years have been hell as I've put boundaries in place, with her constantly fighting against me.

The fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that I suffer in enormous and often overwhelms me.

Taking MN-ers advice, I read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, which I highly recommend to you. It's a long long road and I wish you luck.

I feel a lot of this. My mum wasn’t awful in childhood, but she was incredibly emotionally turbulent and it felt permanently like we were walking on egg shells. Just to echo a PP, I see a fair amount of her now, but it’s completely superficial. To listen to us you’d think we were acquaintances, not mother and daughter. I don’t want to cut her out as all her issues stem from the fact she is a chronic people pleaser to everyone but her family, leading her to have absolutely no self esteem or boundaries herself. But, as trying to help her would cause the utmost offence, I just stick to distance. It’s sad, but protecting my own mental health has to take precedence.