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Elderly parents
Original poster

I am starting to struggle with this whole Alzheimer’s thing!

32 replies

Fairytoast · 16/02/2022 12:08

Sorry, the title is crap but I just didn’t know how to word it.
I’m 49 and I feel the last 6+ years of my life have have been a bit shite.
Started with DS (now 16), refusing to go to school, he was overwhelmed with anxiety, often said he wanted to kill himself. I struggled to get him to school each morning (often he wouldn’t go), had the attendance officer on my back all the time, no one to help as dh was at work, constantly asking the school to help but all fell on deaf ears. I said ds was probably dyslexic but school has only just acknowledged this the last few months......
Eventually, I got him counselling outside of school and he’s slowly turned a corner.
Then my MIL becomes unwell with a bowel tumour, fought it for 4 years but passed away 18 months ago (I sat with her in the hospice after she passed, thought that was a good idea at the time but has kind of haunted me ever since as I have huge existential fears).
Then 4 years ago my lovely mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. If it wasn’t bad enough that she is bent over with painful osteoporosis, has heart disease and a pacemaker and chronic lymphocytic leukaemia, she gets dementia!
Although mum is still in the late early stages, dad does not cope well. He relies on my sister and I a lot. Calls or facetimes me most days. He is 80. He won’t have carers in yet as mum says she will kill her self if she has to have help in. So between my sister and I, we help almost every day. My sister works full time so she does what she can. I work part time as a PA for a disabled lady. I pop round to my parents most days (they live around the corner from me) and I do all of mums paperwork work, hospital and doctors appointments etc. I arranged for my mum to go to a day centre once a week and used to take her there, although she has currently stopped as she doesn’t like it. I cut and polish mums nails, I wash her hair twice a week. It won’t be long before we will have to help her wash too as she is struggling with that (dad ‘helps’ but he’s not doing it well), I do their all their washing, change their beds and wash the sheets etc.
I have my own health issues and am also probably in peri which isn’t helping. Currently having iron infusions which is making me feel crap.
I’m drowning a bit, feel so tired. Physically tired with helping out with so much (of course I do it because I want to but it’s exhausting), I am mentally tired remembering the appointments, remembering things like washing mums hair etc as well as my own families things.
But more than anything I am emotionally tired as I don’t want to watch my lovely mum who was always there for me and was always my understanding friend slowly becoming a shell of herself, I hate that she can’t remember anything from 15 minutes ago, I hate that one day she won’t know who I am, that she thinks she is on holiday and not in the house she has lived in, that we grew up in for 47 years.
I hate everything which comes as a package with this bloody horrible diseases.
And that’s it.
Don’t know why I posted that rambling but just want to reach out to anyone who may understand what I am experiencing.
Because it’s bloody crap and none of my friends understand and COVID has shut many doors for us just at the time when we really needed help.

OP posts:
Purpleavocado · 16/02/2022 16:49

Sorry you're going through this, it sucks. Maybe your Dad needs to hear it from someone 'official', like a social worker, etc. His pride is getting in the way of your Mum's care, and I think I would involve them now, as he's clearly not going to do anything to help. He's had your Mum looking after him all his life and now doesn't know how to look after her.
If you can, try to put some emotional distance into the actual issue, get help, and don't let him or anyone else make you feel guilty. Good luck!

DrDinosaur · 16/02/2022 16:40

You need to stop doing so much. Its clear your parents are in a position to fund whatever help they need, so they should fund it. Do nothing, and if it all goes to shit get social services involved. I bet your father wouldn't expect his children to do everything for them if he had two boys.

Original poster
Fairytoast · 16/02/2022 16:26

The toughest stumbling block my sister and I have is my dad. He is in complete denial over the situation he is in.
My sister and I have sat down with him with plans of action etc and one day he says yes let’s go for it, next day he back tracks.
I have arranged for them to have a carers/needs assessment 3 times, he agrees to it only to cancel at the last minute.
I know mum won’t kill herself if she has a carer etc but she gets so distressed and upset that dad will get angry at us and say no, it’s not happening.
Dad has a vast amount of money in the bank but is scared to spend any of it incase mum needs to go into a care home, he worries if they don’t have the money (he has ££££’s).
It’s such a sticky situation and my dad has started to naturally expect my sister and I will come in every week and do stuff like the laundry, cleaning, wash mums hair etc without really questioning it. He knows we are both stressed and he knows that it’s because of their situation but chooses to gloss over that and will say I’m stressed because I have teen children etc or tells me it’s my carers job and I should give it up (don’t know where he thinks I will get the money from if I don’t work?)
We have left things for a week or two just to see what happens and it was madness. Mum had no underwear left, her hair was greasy and unkempt, the house was a mess. There was washed linen in the basket which stank because he’d started washing it, pulled it from the washing machine then forgot and it sat in the basket festering.
We have become martyrs in many ways but only because if we take a back seat nothing gets done.
Dad would rather be pottering in the garden faffing about in his shed than actually doing anything in the house, That is partly because he’s in denial, partly because he’s scared and frightened of the situation and also because he’s a stubborn old git and he thinks it’s my mums job to do all these household things like she used to but of course she isn’t capable any more.
It’s a bloody crap situation and if we get firm with him he just digs his heals in and gets stroppy and very nasty (he’s been like this all his life, not a new thing!).
I know we need to sit down and have a plan of action but we also need dad on board, without his agreement it will just become a nightmare situation.
How do others with a stubborn parent cope? Surely we aren’t the only ones in this situation?

OP posts:
CharacterForming · 16/02/2022 13:04

Your DM will not kill herself if your DPs get a cleaning lady.

That won't help with the sheer grimness of what's happening to her - nothing will really change that IME, but at least it will get the laundry done, and get your DF some company.

[thank] I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

countrygirl99 · 16/02/2022 12:56

Having outsourced as much as you can you will have the energy to sit and chat, take your dad put for break etc which is just as valuable as the hands on care.

countrygirl99 · 16/02/2022 12:53

First contact social services for a care needs assessment. If your parents are self funding that will give you a basis to engage with care companies. If it's LA funded great, they can sort it (you mannered to push). See also cleaner/gardener/ironing service. You need to outsource as much as possible and not feel guilty about it or your own health will be wrecked. Ignore any matyrs who tell you they would consider it an honour etc 99.9% of the time they are full of bullshit.

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 16/02/2022 12:45

That sounds very tough. It's all about you looking after other people; your son, your MIL, your parents, your PA job..... Nothing in there about you.

What's your financial situation? Do you need to do the part-time job? You have the equivalent of a full time job with that and your parents.

What's your parents financial situation? Could you get some help with the housework; changing the bed, running the hoover round, dusting, doing some washing and ironing. They could be their at the same time so your Mum feels more reassured about the situation. Meanwhile, you could focus on the appointments and admin.

At the end of the day, something needs to give or you are going to burn out. You need some time for you. You need time to go for a walk or a massage or meet a friend for coffee or do some sewing or whatever you want to do. I think having someone to offload to (someone you pay rather than a friend) would be really helpful and help you to put things in perspective.

Sounds like you are doing a very good job for everyone else but not yourself and that needs to change.