I am starting to struggle with this whole Alzheimer’s thing!

Arrange the asc assessment yourself and be there for it but don't tell him in advance. That's the gateway to getting care sorted. Good luck.

@Fairytoast Hi, my sister and I are in a similar position. 🤗 Some days I dont think I can cope anymore, with SN teens, working and my parents.

We had to insist in the end on help and to be honest neither of them really questioned where the carers were coming from.

My suggestions are to tell your dad that you and your sister can not continue to support them at this level otherwise you will have a breakdown and will not be able to help at all and therefore you need some help coming in and then you can still support them but at a level that works for you.

Ideas to try.
Get a cleaner in once a week.
Carers once a day for an hour to start with you can build up gradually.
Meals on wheels service.
Dont worry too much about washing your mums hair twice a week. Once a week would be ok. My mum has refused her hair to be washed for over a year. She also refuses to wash at all.

Do your parents have a garden as a gardener would take pressure off also.

Insist on the ASC assessment.

It could be your dad is scared of his own health and letting go and about what people might think as well as worries about the money. When their savings get low the council will do an assessment and help.

I think beyondyourwits might have a point. We only noticed something similar with my aunts DP when she was taken into hospital as an emergency, and he unravelled virtually overnight as she'd been hiding his own deterioration so well. They may well both need evaluation and more support than you can give alone

Just reading your post again and I'm with @BeyondMyWits - I think your dad is struggling cognitively as well. I'm afraid this is only going to change if you become someone else and a lot more directive. It's very difficult if your family works by being very gentle and perhaps by deferring to your dad. I had to become a 'bossy daughter' which is the way i presented it to my mum, the specific role of the battleaxe, so derided in popular culture but if you don't force the issue, nothing will get better.

A mobile beautician and hairdresser for starters... and a laundry service and a cleaner. I'd stick it on a credit card if your dad won't pay but I'd tell him I was doing it and for that generation they will often give in because of their appropriate horror of debt. Horrible, isn't it? I hate what I've become sometimes but the outcome for my mum has been better due to my sister making a massive complaint to everyone and shouting at my mum, than it ever was by me nearly killing myself to try and look after her.

Same situation here, OP. I could have written this post myself, to the letter. Me and my siblings have had to detach for our own health. Nothing we said made a difference. No amount of pleading or reasoning. So now my mother is deteriorating rapidly, while social services attempt to help them, but because he's going to have to fund some of it he's resisting. It's excuse after excuse as to why he can't even use the funded help, she's been given 5 days a week in daycare, but he won't use it because he says she doesn't like it there, yet he's quibbling over money and busily banking his carers allowance, attendance money and mum's pension every week, as well as his own comfortable pensions. The house is unsafe, mum's had several falls, thankfully none serious yet, and it's only a matter of time before something terrible happens.

I think a GP referral to Occupational Therapy or similar might help. ie The doctors says ……. might make them accept help?

Fairytoast you wrote that you are drowning. You need to rescue yourselves. Your DF needs to accept professional help. I would be focusing on making that happen with an iron will and all the allies I could muster. I found the GP practice's adult social care co-ordinator really useful as were DM's hospital team - all during lockdowns. Because it can't go on for your own health and sanity and your DM's safety.

To be honest, your dad forgetting important stuff and doing pointless activities like polishing the doorknob is a bit of a flag for his own mental degradation... has he been tested?

Quite often a husband or wife's issues will go unnoticed for a longer time because the primary dementia sufferer takes up everybody's head space.

It sounds as though DF needs to feel it, more than discuss it. Anything can be said in a discussion and then forgotten or rowed back on, as OP has experienced.

He is saving money by using his daughters’ unpaid labour. At huge cost to them and their children. That’s not a discussion point, that’s a reason for his daughters to stop.

Is "getting angry" with your DF in a controlled way something you are capable of doing? Or does he have a friend he would listen to if they told him he must accept professional help? You need to find a way of getting through to him or you will end up I'll and unable to help, then there really will be a major crisis. Sometimes it needs tough love. I know it's hard to do, I have a wardrobe full of the t shirts and I'm still having some battles.

I agree that it's unfair on your DM to try and get your DF to step up by indirect tactics and simply withdrawing your labour.

You need a straightforward conversation with your DF. Someone needs to do the housework. He won't or can't do it, it's grossly unfair to make you and Dsis do it, hence get a professional. Can you or Dsis find someone suitable? I think it would be genuinely difficult for him to do it himself.

Personal care is a different issue, but it sounds like you've got a source of information there.

It’s so hard.

It does sound as though you are allowing your dad to ‘steal’ time from you and your children. It’s difficult but it’s limited and he gets what he wants from you at a huge cost to your own family and to your enjoyment of life.

You must step back. Tell him to use the anti-fungal spray. He NEEDS to feel the impact of what is going on before he will understand that external help is essential and that help isn’t his daughters as slaves.

In the nicest way, you and your sister are your own problem.

Dad would rather be pottering in the garden faffing about in his shed than actually doing anything in the house

So what? You have actual teens to look after and prioritise and care for.

You need to not go for a few weeks. It will feel horrible. And don’t be available when your dad rings. There’s no need to be rude, just say you are busy and can’t came this week/can’t do whatever chore it is.

Then in three/four weeks time you might find your dad much more ready to have a serious conversation with you.

So basically, it is four weeks of cold turkey for them and you but by March you could be on the way to having a more co-ordinated and realistic response to the situation.

Do you think you could do that?

@Fairytoast don't feel guilty if that is what is needed. Right now your dad is not considering you at all, if it takes you getting cross, then that is what it needs. It'snot nice, you will feel shit immediately afterwards but sometimes politeness just wizzes straight past their ears.

MIL has vascular dementia and alzheimers ... we were going through the same issues until DH lost it a bit, and said crossly(he NEVER, EVER raises his voice normally)

"its not YOU that needs carers, it's US, we need to feel you are safe and well."

She realised then, and although not happy, she let him arrange them... just to help us out. Then, when they were "tolerated" it was easy to increase their hours.

Thos sounds completely unsustainable. I have to say that my sister and I got a lot bossier, pushier and angrier with my mum in recent years and I'm not saying that was great, but it did work sometimes.

This sounds so tough. Might be worth speaking to admiral dementia nurses for advice. They will have seen it all before.
Apply for attendance allowance for your dm to fund cleaner/ gardener?
Also, reduction in council tax due to diagnosis? Then you can say to df that the care is paid for. But you must protect yourself.
Good luck

Also not sure how physically able your Mum is anymore but we found our Mum was capable of folding washing until the last two or three weeks and it kept her amused and she felt less useless.

Oh and make things like a photo board of people they see regularly with large print names and jobs so they can feel like they know people and have a reminder - we did this and for regular visitors too

my advice would be to be there whilst any help is there for 2 reasons

1. Assure your Mum re strange folk in the house
2. Parents wont feel vulnerable if someone different letting themselves in etc

Get them a key safe - carers/cleaners etc always knock or ring before letting themselves in AT FIXED times so you can write up a schedule. Key safe means if there are any requirements for ambulance etc they too can use the code. Social service can help arrange this.

I would get someone in to help YOUR DAD more than Mum - so cleaners/housekeepers, gardners etc. Get them to work WITH him so he can get to know them, gets some social aspect from it and so on

Look into something for your Dad to get him out of the house and away from caring duties if your Mum wont leave/go to her club.

The washing etc is going to get worse as your Mums ability to cope lessens, consider having a service for them as it gets overwhelming when actually you need to spend time as your Mums daughter not just her carer. If you do have a carer in talk about her as your help rather than for your Mum for e.g.

Make sure you have LPAs in place so you can decision make for Mum OR Dad. Financial and Health.

Whilst I appreciate your Sister is working FT, is there anyone like her DH that could do a few things as well?? Even if its get the shopping sorted, cut the lawn do a hedge, keep up with the recycling and rubbish, make sure the work load is split between you evenly so you can both be a daughter to your parents as well as carers

Most of all look after yourselves, get your own families to do more at home to free you up to help with parents this could be a number of years yet so you need systems and processes in place to keep you going when you hit roadblocks

Its hard and I feel for you. As a society we are not supporting each other in these situations. But it is doable and you wont regret doing it and being there for them.

I feel for you and am in a similar situation although my stubborn parent is the one with declining memory so starting to be more amenable. The other parent buries their head in the sand. Have you got power of attorney set up? I have just done this after months of talking and "thinking" about it so that is a relief. Would you ask your father to meet you half way with a cleaner to start with. Slowly introduce someone so they get used to the idea of help. Sell it as a way of remaining in their home and keeping a level of independence.

My mum is on her own now and in denial about her dementia and the help she needs. It's hard but sadly sometimes things won't move forward without a crisis.