Anyone else with an elderly relative reaching end of life?

33 replies

Cheekypeach · 13/02/2022 13:27

My granddad is in his mid 90s. He’s in hospital after a serious fall and very weak. He just seems to be fading out.

As well as being sad, I also feel quite angry for years we have been worrying about him and my granny. They’ve refused to go into a care home despite being very infirm and having regular falls, instead choosing to live in a retirement flat with minimal support. All help we have tried to arrange for them has been refused or dismissed after a couple of weeks. Every time they’ve had an accident we have dropped everything to rush to them, but it’s been exhausting, and to be honest this last couple of years I haven’t visited as much as I should (I live a few hours away and have a toddler). They’re quite hard work and I’ve just dreaded it. So now I also feel crushing guilt.

My dad (their son) buggered off abroad several years ago, so now it is down to us to sort out what happens to granny who is in hospital as well, but only because she cannot safely go home alone. It all feels like a mess that could’ve been avoided.

Is anyone else in a roughly similar position that wants to chat? Am I an awful person?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheekypeach · 13/02/2022 15:05

Thanks @Mum5net

Part of me wishes I had just summoned the resolve to keep visiting very regularly after having Dd and moving away, but after 15 odd years of family drama and the ‘adults’ in my family refusing to make sensible choices, I had nothing left and had to pull back for my mental health.
I’ve tried very hard with them over the years but they’ve refused to acknowledge their frailties. I have just found out they stopped paying the bill for their twice-weekly cater that I arranged, and are in significant debt to the agency.
My dad squeezed childcare out of them when they were younger, but the moment they because extremely frail he fucked off abroad, leaving his kids (who now have babies/toddlers) to support them.
It’s all a mess. I have resolved never to make my daughter feel the same level of responsibility toward me that I have to my relatives.

OP posts:

Mum5net · 13/02/2022 15:04

Going forward, if DGM has no capacity and no POA in place, then a family member has to apply to the courts for guardianship.
If your DF returns in the coming weeks sit down with him and tell him to get on with it

Mum5net · 13/02/2022 15:00

I can fully understand why your DF buggered off if he had to drag you along for 15 years to witness his parents in action.
And props to you for cutting back visits and prioritising your newborn.
If anyone’s DGPs and DPs don’t put in any future proofing plans like POA, having bedroom and wash facilities on same floor then they can’t expect family to drop everything on multiple occasions.
I am sorry DGF is so ill but you sound like a really good granddaughter.

Original poster

Cheekypeach · 13/02/2022 14:05

Thank you everyone. So kind to take the time to reply. My family is extremely difficult and high-drama, my grandparents have been quite instrumental in this over the years and when my daughter was born, I just didn’t have the mental space to listen to it all anymore. So I dropped down to visiting a few times a year, which I’m sure they noticed. It does make me feel so guilty but for 15+ years before that I saw them incredibly regularly, so I’m trying to see the overall picture and forgive myself. My granny definitely doesn’t have the mental acuity to make decisions for herself, but he did & decided everything for her. I don’t know what’s going to happen to her now.

OP posts:

Muchtoomuchtodo · 13/02/2022 14:04

@gogohm unfortunately unless OP has power of attorney for both finance and health and welfare she won’t be able to make decisions for her grandparents if they lack capacity to do this for themselves. The multidisciplinary team looking after them will have to make a decision that is deemed to be in ‘their best interest’

gogohm · 13/02/2022 13:59

Unfortunately your situation is far from unusual. Been there both personally and through work. If they do not have capacity following a social services you can make decisions for them.

The mixture of emotions is so normal, I arrange funerals and the feeling of relief and guilt is so common.

If there is any specific about the mental capacity assessment you need to know I can try and help, it's been 4 years since I did it though (and got 100% funding from nhs continuing care)

SinisterBumFacedCat · 13/02/2022 13:46

Op - you are not an awful person. Frankly you sound amazing. We don’t give ourselves enough credit on here. Especially as your Dad has buggered off and left you with the responsibility. It’s very common that people resist and refuse help and try to maintain the appearance of independence at all costs, even if their actions are ultimately more damaging. IMO too much social services are too quick to pander to the rights of the individual to neglect themselves, probably because it saves money until a crisis arises. Make sure you get support too.

ChesapeakeEmbarrassed · 13/02/2022 13:38

Sorry you are facing this. The only thing I would say is that don't judge them to harshly for refusing to leave their home. A familiar environment is VERY important to the elderly and especially those with dementia. It's entirely understandable they didn't want to leave and while it may not look rational to you, it's no bad thing to support their choices.

If you can manage it, I would see if you can get them both home using carers or a hospice to provide paliative care at home. No one wants to die in a hospital.

I was recently told by a senior consultant (dr) that he'd flown abroad to retrieve an elderly aunt from hospital so she could die at home. His advice to me was when the end is near, if you can keep them at home or get them at home with medical assistance for pain relief/support if it's necessary. It really stuck in my mind.

Don't feel guilty though because they are adult, not stupid and perfectly entitled to their own choices however much you may not like it. Plus they do have you as support - so you don't need to feel guilty.

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