Anyone else with an elderly relative reaching end of life?

Cheekypeach

That's so lovely xx

A few times a year IS regular visiting imo.

It is not actually true that 'nobody wants to die in hospital', though of course most prefer to be out - there are worse things though. The fact is that over half of all deaths do occur in hospital. It is not a tragedy if that does happen.

Can you turn this around? Your gf is coming to the need of a very long life and a long and enduring marriage. They've lived almost independently until their mid-90s and you've helped them do that, often at considerable cost to you. That's an amazing and loving success story.

Death is messy, full of bodily fluids and hard work, just like birth. It may not look perfect but your GF still has many people worrying about him and wanting the best for him, which must say something about the person he is. 💐 to you.

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OP please ignore the awful poster on here trying to make you feel guilty, it's horrible and you shouldn't try and make you feel that way xx

@Cheekypeach I have commented on your post in the Cafe but just wanted to put my spin the the whole guilt thing.

My husband and I have shared a property with my parents from past 30 + years. I helped dad to care for her as she has severe osteo arthritis. He died 9 years ago and I became her carer. Mum went into hospital in June last year where it was seen that her needs were far too great for her to continue to live in her granny annex and our house - a 1970's build with external stairs, split level with bathrooms and bedrooms all over the place - was not suitable for her and she needed full time care.

My family have given up everything to keep her in the home she and my dad lived in. Once dad died we were unable to go away without organising for my mum to stay elsewhere (v supportive cousin who would have her for holidays) and for 2 years I was unable to leave the house if there was no grandma sitter. So people tell me I could not have done more but oh the guilt!

So if you had given up everything and lived next door to them when the time came that one or both of them needed more care the guilt would still come. Please know that feeling guilty goes along with loving someone and not being able to give them what they want, not what they need.

@Forestdweller11
Perfectly summarised.

Please don’t feel guilty. Pop over to the cockroach cafe on this board and read the stories there.
No judgement or guilt allowed.
You have done your best , and they made choices.

At 29 and with 90yo grandparents, it was hardly like you'd need to be waiting decades was it?
And yes, I did move away for uni at 18, 11 years your junior. Then returned and have cared for 3 family members until death and now 4th
That's what love and family is about imo.

OP i dont think you have anything to feel guilty about. This isnt your parents we are talking about, this isnt your responsibility.
Your grandparents made their own decisions and lived the lives they wanted to.
I think you should take a step back and concentrate on your own family, your DGM has her own daughter around to make arrangements for her on going care - and of course your dad if he returns to the UK.

I'm sorry about your grandad. I think you've done what you could and it sounds like they have other family around. Its hard when what seems obvious to 'us' isnt accepted by the grandparents/parents.

Whats happened now is basically a crisis point, the full extent of helplessness has been masked and only exposed once your grandad was admitted to hospital, so without a power of attorney what happens to your grandparents largely depends on their social worker, what savings they have and whether they can get a care package in place.. Your family should be VERY (VERY!) clear what they are willing to do (and not d) your grandparents if they do end up back at home. Home visits by carers are likely to infrequent with a lot of onus on family to do the care. In some areas theres a sort of half way house for a few weeks -a short stay nursing home where they can be assessed for their needs and what care is required.

Don't beat yourself up. They had choices, they might not have been necessarily 'good' choices but you couldn't force them to accept outside help. You live a great distance away and have a family of your own, plus all the other things you've got going on. No one should expect you to drop everything and go and be a carer, or even up your visits at the potential detriment to your mental and physical health and your relationships with your immediate family

You're not awful, it is really tiring. My dear grandpa died 3 years ago aged 93 and the last few months were exhausting for my mum having to drop everything whenever there was an emergency - he had cancer but was mentally fine and otherwise OK to be at home, but obviously there were lots of worries. But my parents couldn't go away anywhere for months and it was a strain on my mum's poor health (and he wasn't even her father) Its understandable to be angry and wrung out.

My stepgrandma (GP's second wife after my GM died when I was young) is now in a very bad way and my dad is kind of having to tell my mum not to take too much on - SG has her own children who can take that on). But SG is now getting confused at home and not knowing where she is, but is also, like most people, not wanting to go to a home as well. Sadly with the dementia progressing, and also her eyesight going, it's really not safe for her to be living alone now, so we're just hoping her DD will be able to convince her. :(

Yes, they have made choices, but very few people, proportionately, choose to go into residential care if they can avoid it. Especially, when a couple.

Op, it sounds as though you chose to move as well as your other life choices, knowing that you'd be physically leaving your vulnerable grandparents. So now you need to own those choices and that you were 'caring from afar'.

Your DGM and DGF have made their own decisions. Let them reap what they have sewn. Give the hospital your DF’s name and number abroad as next of kin and stay out of the picture.
You live 3 hrs away and don’t have power of attorney for your DGM who has no capacity.
The social workers in her local authority will have to get involved. Honestly, if you have tried and tried and tried then please feel no guilt. Feel anger and frustration for a little while but try then to compartmentalise feelings and then let your DGM face the consequences of she and her husband refusing the help offered.

I have been in this situation a few times, so I can empathise, it’s so difficult. You can only do your best, your DC needs to come first.

They've been happy to have everyone running round after them all this time? Refusing carers but ok with busy family picking up the slack. I'd be angry too. It's not ok to insist on staying in familiar surroundings at the expense of others. The guilt should be theirs. Utterly selfish.
I saw this as a district nurse for many years. Elderly people refusing to pay for help, staying in unsuitable living conditions, falling about all over the place, in and out of A& E like a revolving door. Refusal to spend money very often at the heart of it.
I would think very differently of parents or GP putting you in this avoidable situation. Absolutely no reason to be guilty.
And POA currently takes several months. I applied in the summer and am still waiting.

My grandad died in hospital earlier this week.

One the one hand, I am happy for him that he didn't get to the stage where he would require the level of care in his home that would have been upsetting for him. He would have needed daily care with washing and dressing etc. had he been able to come home. My Grandma was very worried about him dealing with this loss of dignity.

OTOH, he and my grandma were unable to see eachother for the last 3 weeks of his life 'because Covid'. Neither of them had it, and both had dutifully got all three jabs. I'm quite frankly livid that the hospital felt this was acceptable for a man on a DNR who we knew didn't have long left.

I am afraid that I struggle to understand how you could have over the last few years effectively left them to it when it was apparent that they needed you the most after having been so close. So I'm not surprised that you feel guilt, I would too. And please don't think that I'm guilt tripping you, I'm not. I know how hard caring for relatives is, as I have and remain doing so as well as working and being a lone parent.

I have been in the same situation you're in with your grandfather to have countless miraculous recoveries, so atm, I'd try to focus that this too could be the case for you. 🤞

Practically, if he dies, you need to support your grandmother to come to terms with this and make choices about how she wishes to live moving forward, at Home with carers, residential care or with a relative. Would you be able to house and care for her with you? Could or would another relative? It would be preferable if she was able to make her own choices.

Remember that if she goes into residential care, the likelihood is that on top of Losing your grandfather, you'd be losing her in quick succession too. It may not be too late to get POA for her though, it takes approximately 8 weeks.