Funerals

Funerals are really for those left behind. I found the process of arranging my parents' funerals with my brothers a very moving and important part of the grieving process. It brought us closer together and meant we talked frequently. We went through so many old photos and shared so many memories. We made lovely photo slideshows for the services which reflected the whole of their lives. We each spoke at the services and shared our individual thoughts.
They were important events for me and I was glad we did the arrangements rather than follow instructions.

@TheCreamCaker My mother died before Christmas. When I started ringing around the closest family I was surprised to find that they already knew she'd arranged for full body donation to the local teaching hospital and she'd specifically told each of them that there would be no service. I knew about the former but we'd never talked about the latter. As she'd told everyone that mattered what her wishes were I felt more comfortable telling distant family that there would be no service.

I had a form to complete to say whether ultimately I wanted a cremation or burial and whether I wanted to attend. I have about two and a half years to change my mind on that.

Oh and we paid £3500. We used the same funeral directors that did my great grandparents and grandparents funerals. They do the whole thing, the walking in front the of the hearse out of the street, a travelling blockade to keep everyone's cars together etc.

We had one car (7 seats for us) and the hearse. Flowers for the coffin and an arrangement that said nana.

It wasn't nearly as expensive as we thought.

I lost my DF in October, as it turned out 12 days from diagnosis to death. It helped my DM had died the year before so we knew it would be cremation and where the ashes were going.
Dad very helpfully started talking about what he wanted/didn't want. Hard when you're getting weaker every day...
we had a fairly good idea of what he wanted by the time he died but there were still gaps where we had to guess his wishes.
We all agreed it would be easier all round if people could leave instructions of some kind for their funeral arrangements. Have I written my funeral plan yet? Of course not!

We have just arranged and had my mums. On Thursday. Her death was sudden, but we know a few things she wanted. She was Irish and it was a topic of converstation that came up often.

She came home the Wednesday night, we had mass, family came in and out to pay their respects. Me and my eldest dd stayed over with dad. Funeral, followed by cremation the next morning. Me, dbro, Dad and our partners and kids went back to mum and dad's house. Everyone else had went to the local pub for drinks and food that mum sister organised and did the food for.

It was an honour and a privilege for me, to organise mums last farewell. However, we aren't squeamish about talking about funerals in general.

My kids know what I want. We talk about in general terms. I know Dad wants to come home if we want him to. And a cremation. He isn't bothered about mass.

So I suppose I agree and I don't. I think people should talk about what they want more. But I don't think people should have to plan it all.

My grandad planned and paid for his own funeral and we still had to change things because certain thing just wouldn't work due to the situation. That was actually the most tricky one I have been part of organising.

I should add that the hospital offered to conduct a small service when my dad died - we did that, for his friends and a brother to attend, and we made a donation to the ward. Because we had to empty the house when he died (mum had died years before), we had a little get-together in a local pub.

I'm 62, husband is 63. About 12 years ago, we signed up to leave our bodies to medical science when we die. So, no coffin, undertaker, service, flowers, etc. Just die, get picked up by the relevant hospital department, that's it.

My dad did the same, and when died, there was absolutely nothing to arrange. The hospital contacted us (as a family) 2 years later to ask if we wanted to do anything with his remains. We declined.

To me, what you have put in your 2nd post contradicts what you said in your first.
In your op you have said you think people should "organise and sort it rather than leaving it as a chore" yet in your 2nd post you have said you have "told dc".
Surely if you feel that strongly you would have booked everything yourself. I mean your Mum has let you know she doesn't have preferences and you should decide when she is gone.

I have had various conversations with loved ones about what I'd like, or what I don't want, but it is up to them to book things after I have gone to fit in with what suits then.

My sister died of terminal cancer last year
I was next of kin and she left instructions. A simple coffin, service, cremation etc. It was during lockdown so unfortunately only 30 mourners allowed and no wake. I live about 45 .miles from my sisters town and did all the arrangements by phone. The funeral directors were brilliant. Just give the instructions, flowers, music, etc and they did it all. I didn't have to do anything. They even found the priest who gave the Last Rites at the hospice and he agreed to conduct the service.
Took an awful lot of stress off my hands and the service was lovely xx

My DMIL had a "proper" funeral with hymns etc - if I am honest it was more for DFIL's benefit . DFIL had a "direct funeral" After DMIL died he lost touch with lots of his friends - he became - not reclusive exactly but lost touch with people . So we did scattering ashes and then close family went out for a meal and talked about him - it was nice. In no way did it feel like a "pauper's funeral " It would have been more sad to have had a funeral with less than a dozen people there. We also saved some of DMIL's ashes so they have been mixed together where we sent them

Also , A good friend of mine couldn't bear the thought of a funeral - she did the direct funeral thing & took her Dh's ashes to a place they often went to on holiday - put some there & then to a place where he volunteered which is a place where they used to walk and it is a Site of special Interest ( I think that is right ) On his birthday she had a small party to pay tribute to him. I think people do these things in different ways.

I arranged what is called a simple cremation for my DF, I think it is what e would have wanted. It was a cremation early one morning with a slightly shorter service than a normal one. I arranged an officiant and I found choosing the music comforting as he was really into music. There were no flowers or a wake because of Covid.
It wasn’t stressful.

My mums funeral was a full funeral Mass she's had the last rites before she died.
The hymns were also her favourites as were the flowers.
A funeral is about the person that's died and their wishes.

but when you opt for body disposal followed by a 'summer gathering', you probably aren't saving a lot, but losing a lot more.
That feels quite harsh, if those are the wishes of the person who has died then why would you go against them?.
It isnt about the money its about carry out what the person wanted.

I can't imagine a direct cremation. It sounds like a pauper's grave.

A funeral is about celebrating the life of the person, alongside acknowledging our loss, not just about the disposal of the body.

I paid for my dad's funeral during Covid when it was just 15 mourners. It was £3000. This shows what you get when strip away multiple cars and the wake.

I'm not saying the wake isn't worth it - it absolutely is - but when you opt for body disposal followed by a 'summer gathering', you probably aren't saving a lot, but losing a lot more.

I think it’s important that a funeral reflects the person that has died. The recent funerals I’ve been too have had favourite hymns/readings/pieces of music to make them more personal, so I think those kind of things should be communicated either verbally or if someone doesn’t want to have that conversation, just write it down, so that your partner/dc know when the time comes what you would like to happen. I disagree that it is a chore to organise a funeral, but if you have no idea what music/hymns etc the person liked, it does become harder to plan one.

My mum's nearly 90 and I live abroad. We chat weekly on Skype.

Recently she mentioned a "Pure Cremation" brochure and how sensible it all seemed. It sounded a bit like garbage disposal. I didn't have the guts at the time to ask her if these were her final wishes. When someone is alive, it's a bit difficult discussing their death in anticipation.

My feeling is that whatever she wants is fine. When she dies, I'll do my own little private ceremony, lighting a candle and thanking her for all the love she embodied, and saying sorry for all the conversations we never had, such as this one.

Funerals do serve an important purpose -- they bring people together in grief, which makes you glad to appreciate the ongoing impact of a life. But the type of funeral, and what happens, I'm not sure it matters.

I've paid for a direct cremation. So has DH. No fuss, no hassle.

Totally agree with you OP. My dad just passed away a few weeks ago & although we knew he wanted cremated & a humanist service knew nothing else. Was all guesswork for music, readings, who carried him in etc and had resulted in the 3 children having multiple "heated discussions" as we all felt it should be done so differently.

Tell your loved ones your wishes! Write them down! Just give them some idea so they're not fumbling around at a time of immense grief

My FIL arranged a very elaborate and somber funeral for MIL a few years before he himself died. It was a truly ghastly day. Cost him £12,000 and was really traumatic for many of us. It made us all see it was time for a change

OP there are "direct" burials or cremations, where there is no service.

When your DM goes she won't know what arrangements you make. Who, besides you, will survive her and have feelings about all of this? What is the budget? It sounds like it will just be you, so if so - just organize a direct cremation and suit yourself. Really.

I found it comforting arranging Mum's direct burial and separate memorial and later her headstone, it was the last thing I could do for her, but!!! she had been helpful, informative and organized!

If I were in your shoes I would do what suited me without a qualm, and if anyone had different opinions but wasn't willing to back them up with actual work, stuff 'em.

freshcarnation
Direct cremation is what I'd like aswell, Im also not a religious person and would much prefer my nearest and dearest having an informal gathering somewhere.

I think funerals are for the living not the dead. But then I'm not a religious person. My lovely FIL had a direct cremation last year which was as per his wishes, and we had a family gathering in the summer n his honour. We've all agreed that's what we want going forward.

As you’ve said OP, every one is different. I found planning my dads funeral comforting. It was the final thing I could do for him and it meant on the day I was “happy” with how things went. Of course it was still traumatic and I have never felt pain like I did on that day but his whole death has been traumatic and I’m glad I did it for him, I think he would have been proud and that’s what matters.

Yes I agree with you OP, MIL told us her wishes, very non-religious (wasnt religious in the 25yrs I knew her) then a couple of hours before her death suddenly wanted a full funeral ceremony. DH then had to arrange it all basically guessing hymns and readings etc because he had no idea what his mum wanted. Ive never seen him so stressed that he wasnt 'doing the right' thing for his mum.