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Elderly parents

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Original poster

To have told my dad he’s a tight arse.

90 replies

Twoweekcruise · 13/12/2021 12:18

My parents are 80. My mum sadly has Alzheimer’s and other health issues. My dad is in good health.
They are both lucky in the sense that his two daughters (myself and younger dsis) both live within walking distance from them.
We help out as much as possible. My sister works full time and I, part time. My sister pops in and cleans for my parents once a week. I pop in most days, between dsis and I we do their washing. I organise all of mums hospital and doctors appointments, I wash and dry mums hair, cut and polish her nails, change and make their beds, take mum to a day centre once a week and generally keep a check on them as dad isn’t too good at most of these things (and says they aren’t yet ‘ready’ for carers or outside help!).
Before I carry on and for clarity, my parents are not hard up for money. Mum inherited several years ago from her parents and dad took it upon himself to invest ‘their’ money. They have many thousands (enough to buy a family home) in the bank. They do very little with their lives and their outs-goings are small.p, they spend little and of course that’s totally up to them!
Yesterday my 16 year old son and I visited nan and grandad (whilst I cut and painted my mums nails) and ds decided to stay after I left. My dsis was there, she was cleaning their house. She cleaned from 1-6pm. Ds swept their driveway and concreted an area in the back garden for grandad.
When ds returned he said my dad had given him £10 and my dsis £20 for their help.
I messaged my sister and asked if he gave her that amount each week and she said yes but she doesn’t do it for the money. I said that’s not the point. She is a professional cleaner and charges £15 per hour.
I’ve told him today that isn’t on, he should pay her more, ffs she was cleaning for 5 bloody hours for a measly £20.
AIBU to think he should step up and pay her more, seeing that it’s him not pulling his weight and cleaning his own bloody house, it’s minging.

OP posts:
AskAda · 13/12/2021 14:35

If it was 5hrs every week then yes he should contribute a bit more. Maybe not the £15 she gets an hour but let's say £10 an hour as it is family. I think you and your sister need to stage an intervention and get some outside help as it will come at a detriment to your own lives. Maybe pull back a bit to show that you both aren't so readily available.

Tinsellittis · 13/12/2021 14:32

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

To be honest I wouldn't expect my parents to pay me for helping them out, I would just do it for them whatever their financial situation.
This
Tigertigertigertiger · 13/12/2021 14:29

And if you have actually told your dad he is a tight arse that is proper shitty behaviour and i hope if you are ever in your 80s with a spouse who has Alzheimer’s you will look back on your younger self with shame.

TheOrigRights · 13/12/2021 14:26

YABU.

There shouldn't be conditions attached to helping people out.
I'd feel really embarrassed if my Dad had paid me for helping to keep his house clean.

Tigertigertigertiger · 13/12/2021 14:16

You can’t be serious .

Who takes money off their elderly parents for helping them ?

I can see why they might bung their grandchildren a tenner from time to time but I can’t believe you think adult children of elderly parents should get paid !

Finals1234 · 13/12/2021 14:16

This is slightly off-topic OP, but I just wanted to say your 16 year of DS sounds like a great person for going over and spending time with them, as well as tidying and concreting for them.

Plenty of kids that age would never bother.

LifeIsWhat · 13/12/2021 14:12

I won't expect my mum to pay me at all, but this is me, I am not judging you op as I am not in your shoes.
I guess, with old age, comes insecurity that money will help to reduce, which we might not understand now. One of my biggest regret is that I asked my dear dear grandma for more pocket money than what she was comfortable to give. I still remember the fear (a strange word I know, not to me, but to life maybe) in her eyes when she went through her wallet.

I wish I could have given her more money to ease her anxiety.

cptartapp · 13/12/2021 14:02

I hope when I'm elderly i will be happy to spend what I've 'scrimped and saved for all my life' and buy in services as needed rather than allow busy adult Dc with lives, jobs and families of their own to run round after me indefinitely. I suppose they think they're 'fiercely independant' too.
Part of the reason A&E is clogged up, is due to many elderly who can well afford, refusing to pay for carers and falling about at home and in and out of hospital like a revolving door. Saw this for many years as a disctrict nurse. My GM was the same with my DM. It sure tainted the last few years of their relationship.
What else is your money for in your last few years if not to buy in help to ensure you are safe, warm and cared for?
You have choices however, and will live with the consequences of what you choose to do.

Theremoresefulday · 13/12/2021 13:58

I would not expect to charge my parents going rate.

BrilliantBetty · 13/12/2021 13:56

Hopefully telling him the truth, that it is not enough £ will help.
It might feel rude, surely most of us hate awkward money situations but he needed to be told it is too low an amount. He probably isn't thinking about how much these things actually cost but perhaps now he will.

A580Hojas · 13/12/2021 13:48

I'm sure your sister, who works full time, had things she'd rather be doing on a Saturday two weeks before Christmas?

But surely 2 hours a week would be enough unless they have a huge house? I still think this should be done by someone other than your sister and your parents who are very well off should pay for it.

They seem to be taking you both for granted.

Chamomileteaplease · 13/12/2021 13:47

The amount of people who aren't "ready" for outside help because they have their stressed out adult children running round after them makes my blood boil!

But you are allowing this situation.

Have a chat with your sister and decide what you want to happen and then if you no longer wish to spend the time you could be with your own families doing all this, then tell your father he now has to have some cleaners, carers etc come in.

FrankGrillosWrist · 13/12/2021 13:43

OP, carers wont do what you & your sister do, & they don't come cheap either. Get them in & see how it goes, then you can spend more quality time with your parents rather than doing all the crap jobs.

PinkiOcelot · 13/12/2021 13:42

I would never have charged my mam for any help that I gave her. I would do it because I love her.

Yes I do have experience of dementia. Mam is now in a care home with Alzheimer’s.

Norts10 · 13/12/2021 13:38

I wouldn’t expect my parents to pay me. But I do agree £20 is a bit of a measly amount.
It sounds like you both do a lot for them, I understand they say they don’t need a carer yet but it sounds like they could do with some professional help e.g cleaner / gardener. I think you need to have a proper family discussion and get something more sustainable and future proofed in place - that’s what I would do.

startled · 13/12/2021 13:36

I imagine you and your sister help and clean as your DF doesn't think he needs outside help yet but without family help it would be a very quick downwards spiral that you can see but maybe he can't
I wouldn't expect payment from my parents but having said that I think they need some outside help rather than family doing so much
I also agree with pp who said that your DF probably isn't up to date with 2021 prices and costs and actually thinks he's being generous

Ohdofuckoffcovid · 13/12/2021 13:34

Either do it out of love or get help in, which they need to pay for.

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2021 13:32

He didn't ask for that help. You've all decided to do it, because you want to, not for money. Whatever he gives is nice.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2021 13:29

I wouldn't expect or accept money for helping family. But, I would expect a serious family conversation involving everyone, about plans for external help and support. The level of support you're giving isn't sustainable and will sadly become higher and I think that needs to be addressed.

timeisnotaline · 13/12/2021 13:23

I wouldn’t be doing that for my parents because they can pay for a cleaner, it wouldn’t impact them so why expect me to clean for them? I’d help out for sure but not basic stuff you can hire in.

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:21

What do you and your sister actually want from your parents? Honestly?

If you and your sister want to be paid for the hours you could otherwise be working, and your parents can afford it, then there is nothing wrong with asking them for a contribution. If so, you should tell them. I'm sure your parents would rather they pay you and your DSIS than outside help, and would be mortified if they thought you were financially worse off as a result.

However, if you want to do it because they are your family and out of love for them, then I can imagine your DF is only giving such a small amount by way of expressing a token gesture of appreciation - rather than trying to pay for the value of services he has received.

MatildaTheCat · 13/12/2021 13:20

Getting elderly parents to accept outside help can be the hardest thing in the world. If your DS needs to spend 5 hours of her weekend cleaning for them ( with laundry and bed changes not even in that) then they need more help.

Suggest to her she is unable to give up so much of her weekend and offers them a weekday slot at her normal rate. I bet they decline. Have you researched local home help available? My DM did accept one supplied by a local statutory agency.

No answers but much sympathy.

Coldenough · 13/12/2021 13:14

I wouldn’t want to be paid in those circumstances but if they gave me the odd £20 to say thanks, as in your sister’s case, then I would be more than happy with that.

Antsgomarching · 13/12/2021 13:10

I wouldn’t expect payment but I would expect them to get some external help if they can afford it.

Chely · 13/12/2021 13:05

They're not ready for outside help because you are all doing it for them. If you're not happy to help unrewarded then tell him he has to employ help. If you are happy to help just because you care about them then keep doing it and think of any reward as a general treat. I wouldn't expect financial reward for helping out my parents, they looked after me for many years so it's pay back.