To have told my dad he’s a tight arse.

I was in a similar situation op.

DSF with multiple physical disabilities and DM with Alzheimer’s.

DSF is about as tight as you can get. He thinks nothing of asking someone to drive 30 miles, secure in the knowledge we would not ask for petrol money, to save a pound. He does not value other people’s time. He doesn’t like other people (who charge) in his house.

It was sorted out when we had a family meeting, with them, and decided that we were their children and would help, but we were note cleaners, professional shoppers, gardeners, handymen or gofers. They had the money and muct pay for support.

We were their children, who should be able to visit without being presented with situations that needed urgent solution, or to-do lists!

It is not perfect - but a lot better

Your DF needs to start helping himself and do stuff around the house. He is in good health you say, so why does he allow his daughter who works fulltime already to do so much? I can't comment on the money side of it, but he sounds like he needs to step up.

But also they do charge their adult children rent

It’s the norm in my culture to look after elderly parents. And not to expect payment for it. I think it’s common in many places outside of the western society.

OP head on over to The Cockroach Café on the elderly parents board. You will find understanding ears there.

I would not wan't any money for the cleaning of a parents house. and most others wouldn't either. It's not about the money when you give help to elderly parents.

Boggling amount of sanctimonious comments on this thread .

I wouldn't (and haven't) ever expected my parents to pay me or dh for any help we've given them and I wouldn't accept it if they had offered.

Is your sister doing 5 hours cleaning every week? Because that is one hell of a commitment on top of her own family and job. How many hours are you putting in as well? Do you get to spend quality time with your family or are you always rushing to catch up/help your parents? I have DPs who are refusing to get in the help they need. They have had to give in to carers as dad can't dress himself now but they need help with cleaning and the garden and are stubbornly denying it. They can easily afford it and I live too far away to be able to do much, though I have spent a fair amount of time this summer gardening and cleaning out the pond. It's the constant refrain of "we can manage with the odd little bit of help" when DB is there for an hour or 2 virtually every day, largely looking for stuff they have mislaid or sorting out the chaos they have created in trying to manage. They won't buy in help as long as you and your DSis are doing everything because he will be convincing himself that they are managing "with the odd bit of help".

What a selfish arse he is. He is happy to have your sister doing manual work (that she normally charges £75 for) each week for almost nothing when he could just pay her or another cleaner. He has the means to pay professionals to help around the house and garden. He should be doing that instead of putting on you when you’re at a stage in your lives where your own families - his GC - need you.

I would have had to say something when he said that they aren’t ready for outside help yet. CF. That’s because you and your sister are doing all the heavy lifting for free! I would have no issue with helping family members if they needed it, but he doesn’t need it. He’s saving himself a few quid at your expense. Where’s the care and consideration coming back the other way? Your mum does need a level of personal care which I would be happy to provide in your shoes, but he can easily pay for general household help.

He’s obviously very entitled and will just put on you more and more unless you speak up. If you’re not happy with things you’re going to have to address it with him and maybe offer to help him engage some professional people to clean and do gardening etc.

The thing is care for parents creeps up, the OP and her sister probably didn’t volunteer to do what they are now doing. What was once possibly a quick weekly visit turns into a daily visit or the five hour cleaning visit. I’ve seen this happen numerous times despite the elderly parents claiming attendance allowance and often carers allowance.

You can't volunteer your time and then complain that you're not being paid for it, especially when that time is being given to your own parents!

I'm really shocked you think it's acceptable to charge them for this tbh. Either do it with good grace or say you're busy and arrange for paid help to come in.

I never charged my (now late) parents for any help I gave them. The only time I'd hope for payment would be if I financially disadvantaged myself to help them (which I never had to do). Meaning if I had to regularly reduce my work hours or take time without pay to the point where I couldn't meet my own budget or financial obligations.

That being said, my mother provided care and services for her parents and it ran her and her sister ragged and really curtailed the amount of time Mum and Dad could live their own lives. So she always swore she and Dad would never be a 'burden' to my siblings and I. She hired a cleaner when the house got to be too much and when Dad, who had a neuro condition, deteriorated past her ability to care for him, she hired help to come in to provide personal services for him. We still did 'little things' here and there like run some laundry, a bit of housecleaning, driving them to and fro, 'sitting' with Dad when Mum went out, and DBro took over their 'admin'. It allowed us all to enjoy each other and spend time with our parents just visiting and reminiscing rather than cleaning and cooking.

If your folks have the ability to pay others for services, they should do so. We can provide loving care to our parents in ways other than cleaning their houses or doing their hair and nails (if doing them becomes difficult).

My own mum had dementia so I know how hard it can be at times to care for them. It can be very painful when someone you love so much starts slipping away from you. "The long goodbye", indeed. Mum eventually had to go into a care home where she was looked after with care and compassion. Again, it allowed us to visit and enjoy time with her in a safe, caring, and clean environment rather than trying to 'be all and do all' for her.

I'd never ask my grown children to be my hired help.
When they come over, I want to visit with them.

He really needs to get people in so you and your sister can have your life back and go to visit and spend time with them.

I would tell him that. You'd rather spend time with him and not cleaning up.

This… If you’re doing it for the money then do the job for someone else. If you’re doing it cos they’re your parents, then it’s cheeky to expect to be paid for it at all. Sure they didn’t charge you and your sister for meals and boarding when you were children.

Yabu! Why is she taking money from him at all?

Suggest your father claims attendance allowance for your Mum, this can cover your sisters lost wages

i think there are two things here. If your sister is happy to clean for 5 hours for your parents then fine.
If she isn't then she needs to be open with your father about the fact that she can't do it but will help him to find paid help.
I think it rarely works to do business in the family so I would not suggest a "going rate" relationship.
Same with everything else really. Either its family stuff and and its done without expectation or its a business relationship.

How many times in your life have your parents charged you for doing stuff for you?
Either do it because you want to or stop, parent/child relationships shouldn't be so transactional.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to pay me. You both offered to help, they didn’t ask.

I wouldn't accept any money for the things your DSis and you are doing at all from my parents in those circumstances. I think YABU.

Do they claim Attendance Allowance?