Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

Just a gentle bump- hope all quiet is a good sign.
How are you all doing? @MereDintofPandiculation hope your dad has sustained his rally.
@Knotaknitter, how are you? @notaflyingmonkey hope you are getting progress with assessment etc.
@NewYearNewMinty how are things? Hope no news is good.
@countrygirl99 how are things?
@IoWfairyonthetopofthetree
@OnthePiste, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, and everyone else I’ve missed, thinking of you. Chemo brain.
Second chemo yesterday- will visit dm tomoz in very fetching headwear so she might realise it’s happening, but I’m doing well so far 😉

@TheIoWfairyiscancelled that sounds really worrying.
@notaflyingmonkey dump that guilt!!!! You did what you could- at a huge price.
cockroach all.

Am feeling v guilty at what a state DM's house had got into. I just couldn't keep on top of it all while she was still living in it, and so it has taken me many hours over many weekends to get it anywhere approaching ok. Am v much wearing my 'bad daughter' crown throughout.

Still waiting on a date for her assessment of needs.

@permanenttemporary DBis talking to the solicitor this week to work out the best course of action
@theiowfairy that does sound worrying doesn't it

@countrygirl99 oh no! What will you do? Does she know? Will you 'help' her or try to get her to step down?

@TheIoWfairy that sounds really worrying. Terrifying how vulnerable our elderly relatives are.

More drama to report, I'm afraid. Dad's funeral was only last week and already a helpful 'carer', previously employed to help dad, has volunteered to move in to mum's house. I'm totally confused whether to be overjoyed that the cavalry have arrived or (actually) slightly horrified that a vulnerable widow has been pounced on. Mum thinks it's a good idea.

Permanent great news.
We've finally found a copy of dad's will that had disappeared from where it should have been(along with Solicitor contact details). Guess who is the executor - yep mum 🥺

@notaflyingmonkey at first I felt awful that dm was so far away and I couldn't visit much but I have adjusted to the fact that I just couldn't. We all still need to earn a living and care for the rest of our families and have a bit of life too.

@PermanentTemporary that sounds great news. Sounds like some folk here have found good care / nursing homes which is great to hear.
So sorry for those of you dealing with elderlies losing capacity but not realising. So hard.
@notaflyingmonkey hope you are getting things sorted and looking after yourself.

@PermanentTemporary Brilliant!

@notaflyingmonkey your description of each list having the same addition ox 'toilet paper' . Exactly like the Shining!!! What an analogy!

The relentless list writing, phone calls, throwing things away that should have been kept. I feel for you all. This was the most stressful stage for me. The biggest issue was that my mum at that stage forgot that my autistic, learning disabled sibling who lives with her has no capacity to make any decisions. However for a couple of years she delegated every decision to them, so thought it was perfectly appropriate for someone who needs constant supervision to ring up builders, driveway contractors, double glazing salesmen who put leaflets through the door and ask them to come and do work on the house that doesn't need doing. She had a big decline in December and I realised from my diary that I've not suffered from a migraine since then. Prior to that I was getting them every two weeks..

I feel bad popping in with good news but maybe it's nice to hear something positive?? The specialist care home my mum has been in for 2 months have finally agreed that she has no rehab potential (didn't mind them trying) and she's going to ove from the assessment unit to their care unit instead. It's a lovely home with very good and understanding staff and she will be on the ground floor with better access to the garden. I feel as if we may - may - have reached some form of stability.

Afternoon all, so I've had an afternoon of non stop phone calls too. DM seems to have lost the ability to change channels on the TV and has been pressing 101 on her home phone-each time getting through to Sussex police!! I left her this morning with a note with the TV channels and instructions but she is clearly unable to follow them now. She's been ok all week , managing to change channels to watch the tennis but today her anxiety is through the roof so this is obviously affecting her ability to do simple tasks.

She takes Mirtazapine at night for the anxiety but this is clearly not enough anymore. We have been to the GP and he is looking at additional meds but I really think it all comes down to the fact that the time is coming for her to be in full time care soon-she just cannot cope on her own anymore. She will of course disagree but things cannot carry on like this-she's a nervous wreck at the times between carers and when I am not there visiting.

I'm ok thanks Knot. DM is in her second nursing home in two weeks, placed by social services while waiting on her assessment. I phoned SS yesterday to make sure they understood that I am to be included in the assessment. We shall see if that happens or not.

I have been trying to visit every other day, but this new place has limited slots, all within my core work hours and it takes about half an hour to do all the Covid stuff, so I really don't see how I can do week day visits unless I take annual leave, which makes no sense.

knot I suspect mum is actually eating 3 times a day but a "meal" may consist of a slice of toast or 1 sandwich and she doesn't realise that she has hardly eaten anything because every meal was a light snack. Because her sense of time is totally skewed now she will insist that she did something today/last week when it was actually last week/today. She may well remember eating something and think it was today for several days. And she will cook something and put half in the fridge snd insist she has eaten the second portion the next day when it's still in the fridge several days later.

@notaflyingmonkey How are things with you? How (and where) is your mum now?

Same as Knot. The only thing that helped really was when she lost the ability to make phone calls.

I found the notes didn't work once the cognition was too impaired - she could read/write, but not actually take in what they said. The penny dropped for me when I was reading the shopping list I had left for her to add things to - each and every entry said 'toilet paper'. Like The Shining.

@countrygirl99 I wish I could suggest something that worked for my mother. I ended up with a sheet of A3 paper taped to the living room door with reasssurance in marker pen. The never ending phone calls brought me to my knees but she was blissfully unaware she'd just made 16 phone calls at five minute intervals, it couldn't possibly be her on the answering machine and someone must be playing a prank. I taped notes to things (this is the plug for the fridge, don't switch it off) and someone would have ripped them off by the next day. There is no capacity to learn from past mistakes when you can't remember doing them.

The only thing she would believe were the scales but she had no idea why the weight was dropping off her. MIL had a bowel scan for her unexplained weight loss, it had a four day run up where she had to drink gloop. I could have saved her the effort and the NHS the time because it was perfectly explicable - she didn't eat enough. If I could turn back time I would have tried to get mum in for respite sooner which would have made her more amenable to the idea of a longer stay. Covid scuppered that for us. The slow decline because of missed meals is easy to miss.

If you can keep the carers going in then it's getting them established for when she needs more support in the future. I would argue that she doesn't have the capacity to cancel them as she isn't aware of the consequence of that decision.

I feel for you, I really do.

I would hate to know I had alzheimers but it's a nightmare for everyone around her. Between us we had 6 phone calls yesterday to tell us dad had died and everyone time we told her everyone know and everything is arranged. I had 2 calls15 minutes apart and then because I had put my phone on silent for a Teams call she phoned DH 20 minutes later.

GP is aware as are Social Services but it's hard to help someone who won't accept they have a problem. I keep thinking yhat maybe we should just step back from trying in a few weeks and wait the crash to force the issue but obviously now isn't yhe right time. Mum just forgets all the upset and phone calls so thinks we are making a fuss about nothing and that she is behaving totally normally.

Have you made her GP aware Country?

Oh countrygirl thats so distressing.I'm looking at the time you posted too and thinking you're not sleeping! Are you getting any space to grieve? My mum has forgotten that her boyfriend died but it doesn't have any practical effect as she's too impaired to live alone. The scraps of paper ring a huge bell - my mother had 15 different diaries on te go at one point with random things written in them. But she didn't often look at them to see what needed doing. Perhaps luckily.

Mum is creating chaos. Yesterday she phoned me 3 times and DB1 twice to tell us dad had died. Despite being told several times that the funeral is all organised and being reminded about various details she forgot a funeral director had been engaged. She phoned a different one snd instructed them. All sorted now but I am worried that mis February I will still be saying "yes I know dad died, we had his funeral last week.". We've tried leaving notes around thd house. We've tried making her s list of goings that need doing with eho is found them and crossing off tasks as they are fine. The list disappeared and dhe has made dozens notes with odd tasks on that we find sll over the place. She won't accept she has a problem so won't accept she needs help. DB has had to remove sll important paperwork from the housemaster she started to get rid of stuff she didn't think was needed anymore.

Welcome Fantasea. I drop in from time to time. The cockroach cafe and its many inhabitants will keep you sane. My DF moved nearer us and I struggled with boundaries to begin with. I now see him a couple of times a week to be talked at and hear a long list of woes. He has very little interest in what goes on in our lives. He makes a lot of stuff up so I'm sure when he sees other family they hear a load of shite about us. I compartmentalise a lot. I don't introduce to any of my friends and I don't involve myself with any of his neighbours or a couple of clubs he goes to. He doesn't need care but I arranged a cleaner twice a week, mainly to put another boundary in place that I wasn't going to do it and partly to get him used to someone going in to help him. He was not a good dad and not a great husband either. I am a better daughter than he deserves, I do what I do as I promised my mum before she died that I'd look after him.