Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

@OhPleaseJustLast He might want to stay at home but we can't always have what we want. Children want a pony but they have no consideration of what that actually means, they can't see the reality that is needed to support the fantasy they have in their head. There are other people's needs to take into consideration here, your mum, you and the rest of the family included. You know this. If social services have said that he needs residential care then he does, that's the chapter he's reached in the story of his life. We may all wish for a different story but we get what we get.

Both mum and MIL thought that they worked in the home that they were in, after four months mum told me that she was the happiest she'd been in years. Try to distract yourself from the worry about the future, get on with labelling all his clothes, his walking stick, his glasses. You can tell him the truth, mum is run down and needs a break. She needs some time on her own with only herself to worry about to get her strength back. Depending where he is on the dementia journey it won't matter what you tell him because only you will remember it.

I had to leave mum at the door of a home I hadn't been into because of covid and I thought I would feel terrible. What I felt was relief, someone would be there at every mealtime to encourage her to eat, someone would be there in a morning to look out clean clothes, someone would be there to chat to rather than her being home on her own.

If you have a wobble think that your mum will be able to go out and get her hair done, visit friends, go on holiday - all in the knowledge that her absence isn't putting her husband at risk.

I think you can honestly tell him that your mum needs a rest and hasn't been well (no need to say why). Things do change as people get older and he needs someone around to help. Your mum needs to rest at the moment so he needs to be away for a while. Rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat.

You aren't putting him in prison or the workhouse. You are finding a nice place where he can live safely and with dignity and so that your mum can recover. She can be his wife again without the stresses of caring 24/7.

Hi @OhPleaseJustLast My mum went into a home at the end of last year. I keep telling her that it is just until she gets stronger - she has dementia and severe arthritis.

Time loses meaning so I just make reassuring noises and tell her that we will see how she is in a few weeks etc.

She has been very unhappy, or at least tells me she has, but the staff tell me she is the life and soul of the party! It will be hard for you and your mum as well as for him but it is for the best. Social services won't find a home for someone if they don't think it is necessary. It is the right thing to do.

Can I drop in and ask for some words of wisdom from those that have been there before?

My step dad has dementia and my mum has increasingly been struggling, losing patience with him. It all came to a head a few weeks back when he pushed her after she lost her patience and shouted at him, and she fell and hit her head. Since then I’ve been in crisis mode, working with social services to get him a care home place. It goes ‘to panel’ on Wednesday with social services (I’m not 100% what exactly - the best interests decision I guess?) but the social worker says it’s a done deal, and we have a care home place waiting for us, we just need to name a date. But now I’m wobbling massively. I know objectively that all the arguments I put forward are accurate and true and it’s for the best and all that but…I just can’t bear to think about actually doing it. What are we going to tell him? He’s so dependent on my mum, he won’t even go to bed without her. It’s like taking a toddler away from everything they know. God, how the hell am I going to do this?

My DM refused to give us a POA because she insisted she was “too smart” to need one. We had to be appointed deputies by the court of protection and it was a bit of a painful process but it only (!) took about 6 months.
The LPA form online is really easy to fill in - I prepared one a couple of times, but even if she’d have been willing I’m not sure if we’d have got someone to certify capacity

Speaking of Court of Protection timescales a few years ago at work we had s branch we wanted to refurbish but needed landlord consent. Landlord had dementia and the Court of Protection was involved. 2 years down the line we were no further forward and so closed the branch instead. Made me realise how important POA is.

@Goldenhedgehogs LPAs are cheap if you DIY (it's not difficult, I managed it but you will need a printer). If something happens and she doesn't have one - well that is the expensive option. It means an application to the Court of Protection, it's much more expensive, takes longer and there's a supervision fee afterwards.

We've talked here before about the minimisation of family care - you're going on a mini break, someone else just pops in (the cleaning/cooking/admin is overlooked). If you're not paying a stranger to do it then it's not really care at all.

I've been a bit quiet on here for a while. DM has had a nasty UTI since before Christmas, on and off different antibiotics, side effects from too many antibiotics, up and down on the stair lift all day (the only way she can reach the loo) or staying in bed because it is too much hassle.

I can't help wondering if it is at least partly psychosomatic, as a way of trying to put off the move to a sheltered flat, which should be happening around the end of this month, finally! I am being sympathetic but firm, and reminding her that it will all be a lot easier when she is in a small flat with an accessible bathroom and everything on the same level.

It's going to be a stressful experience all round, and then I have the joy of clearing five decades' worth of books and antiques and paperwork and junk before trying to sell the house. But at least I can get on with it.

Sympathies for what you are dealing with.

Argh my widowed mum has just told me travelling five hours, spending three days sleeping on a mattress on the floor after having Covid, coming out of isolation and working 26 hours then getting in a train so I could be on hand after her cataract op would be like a mini break. I have three kids and a husband and a full time job, I haven’t seen my own family for ten days after Covid and I honestly want to kill her. Plus she doesn’t want to sort out LPOA as they cost tens of thousands-I am an only child and she has no other family.

Haven't reported in for a while as thankfully things have been going quite smoothly for us too.

However, MIL has just had her heart op cancelled for the third time! I know things are difficult but she is really suffering quite badly with breathlessness now, and has aged visibly in the last two months.

She had a brain scan about a month ago (she has no idea why ) but we don't know the result, as she still won't give her consent for the GP to talk to us.

@countrygirl99 so sorry for your loss, 💐

@countrygirl99 I'm pleased it went as well as it could...be gentle with yourself this week especially. The week after felt like the twilight zone for me.

Thanks @whatever45, it's nice to feel I'm finally moving forward a little.

That said I discovered yesterday that mum has been telling one of her friends some very personal business of mine, and telling another that when I stay on a Thursday I leave 'first thing on Friday morning'...which is complete BS...it's usually sometime between 12-2pm so I'm more than a.little disgruntled with her atm.

@countrygirl99 I'm pleased the funeral went well and hope your mum settles a little now.

Glad it went ok Country. Here's hoping your mum settles down now.

Hi Minty, I remember you from a good few years back, good to hear how things are with you.
@countrygirl99 so pleased it all went well, thinking of you .

Well done @countrygirl99 so please it went off well

I hope we did him proud. There was a good turnout. I was surprised how many of mum and dad's friends are still going tbh.

@countrygirl99 I'm glad that it went off well and that it's behind you now. The thing I worried about most was the weather which is daft because there's nothing you can do to control it.

🌺🌺@countrygirl99. Sounds like you did him proud

So, the funeral is over. It all went smoothly, the weather was lovely, I didn't crack too much reading a poem and mum coped ok. Seeing old friends brought her out of herself. Hopefully she will settle a bit more now, only time will tell.

thank you all for the support. This cafe has been a much appreciated lifeline over the years.

@notaflyingmonkey I am so sorry. It's always hard to work out whether the snapshot we see on a visit is representative of the rest of their week. You could be miserable for the next couple of days without knowing that she's switched tack and has forgotten about it. At the end of the day there is nothing that you can do. That in itself is hard after years of fixing issues before they become problems, to come up against something that can't be fixed.

I have come out and been sobbing by the time I got through the back door. The first few months where mum was planning to go home were hard, I was much happier once she had settled.

@notaflyingmonkey 💐

@notaflyingmonkey

I'm sorry you've had a bad visit. Hope your mum's hand is seen to soon and that helps her feel better.

My mum had an absolute bee in her bonnet about dad getting out of bed and into an armchair so he could be with other residents. He wasn't interested in the latter and absolutely hated the hoist, so the carers at the home took him at his word.

That's a good plan - hope it's all ok