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@BinaryDot

• I keep saying there are worse things than Covid for very elderly folk.

I 100% agree with this statement. Loneliness and isolation; being unable to see beloved family members... in my opinion that's much worse than the risk of Covid.

Enjoying in my experience hospitals are keen to get people out who they feel won't benefit from being there. If your dad is released home, then what should happen is OT assess the home for any physical adjustments that may be needed - they provided DM with a perching stool and special mattress to prevent bed sores for example. Social services will fund carer visits for up to four weeks - they were on to me after a few days to sort it myself though. So DM basically took on the payments from social services. The agency would come in to make sure meds were taken, but the scope of what else they would do varied from carer to carer.

I have been M.I.A., sorry for the stories I've missed. Hi CheekyPeach I saw the scolding you got on the other thread - I have no idea what triggers it in some people. IMO you have gone the extra mile already. Adults have no right to the sacrifice of their grandchildren or children's lives to give them the illusion of independence. I personally have compassion, and I will help - but I don't do sacrifice and that triggers some interesting projections in other people.

I won't bore on but since Xmas I've been embroiled in the whole care home Covid rules thing: I am an 'allowed' person for DM and have a testing regime like something out of a sci-fi movie. DM had Covid at Xmas, she wasn't particularly unwell, no more than with a cold, ditto the others who had it. If they keep testing, there are going to keep finding cases and closing. I wonder when the whole cycle will end - I keep saying there are worse things than Covid for very elderly folk.

🪳

PermanentTemporary

Thank you so much for all that very helpful information which I shall digest properly tomorrow. I think he can fund it himself so that presumably opens up the caring possibilities. I just don't know where to start but from what you've described the hospital will lead us as to what happens next.

How does anyone sleep or function with all this worry I ask?

Many many thanks xx

Hi @Cheekypeach and @Enjoyingaquickdip... sounds like you were in the club long before I got there, sorry to hear about the situations.

Enjoying, the assessment in hospital by occupational therapy, social services and the rest of the team ought to come up with a description of his needs. Packages of care from social services typically start at once or twice a week and max out at 4 visits a day with nothing overnight except perhaps a pendant alarm to call for help. What are the things that mean he can't cope by himself? In theory people can also have 24 hour care at home but that is pretty unlikely, I don't understand the theory but if they need overnight care or can't cope between carer visits the likely recommendation will be a nursing home placement. There are temporary ones to see if he can improve, or permanent ones, or first one and then the other. A lot depends on whether he can fund the nursing home himself or not. The temporary homes tend to have NHS contracts so you might not get any choice in that one, but if funding the permanent one, there is likely to be a choice.

Hello there, another new person venturing into this chat if there's space? Dad, late 80's, is in hospital with various ailments, taken in more than a week ago, previously very independent but has pretty much stopped eating and drinking and I'm mentally preparing for two different options. One, he gets better, two he doesn't....

Just wondering if any kind person could walk me through what happens if he does recover enough to go back to his home but can't really cope by himself? I live a good hour away so popping in ok but not viable every half day if makes sense!

TIA

We have done a lot of research into care homes in the area, money is no object really, they had a taster week at the ‘poshest’ care home we could find that they liked the look of, but alas they rejected it they have significant savings, which makes all this even harder to understand.

Welcome@Cheekypeach 😉

Plenty of room for everyone here!

Sorry your grandfather is nearing the end. I still miss mine and he died 30 years ago!

When he passes it is most likely that Social Services will step in to find a place for your grandmother if she can not live alone. Would she be paying for her own place or would she be funded? My mum is funded but has to pay most of her pension towards it.

It can take a long time for Social Services to find a place though. My mum was in hospital for 3 months waiting for a place locally.

If she is going into a home it is worth starting to do some research now. Someone advised me to look at the care home inspection reports on line. Some of them sounded awful, some sounded amazing but when I started to ask around even some of the best sounding ones were not so good!

It could be worth doing that now anyway for your own peace of mind.

Hi, can I drop in please? I’ve been reading this thread with a cup of tea & it’s really comforted me to see I’m not alone (although I’m very sorry for your struggles as it’s all heartbreaking! Bit of a paradox there).

My grandparents are in their mid 90s, granddad is currently in hospital after a nasty fall & extremely frail. I doubt he will be alive at the end of the week. My granny is a social patient at the hospital as she is unable to manage without him.

I’m feeling very mixed today. Sad that I will be saying goodbye to granddad soon but also upset & angry. For many years now they’ve refused to move to a setting that can cope with their needs, having many falls & ending up in hospital. My dad (their son) buggered off to live abroad a few years back, leaving his sister (my aunty), my siblings & I to support them. It’s been exhausting - a constant merry-go-round of sorting care, my grandparents then cancelling the care, one of them having a fall, ending up in hospital, eventually being discharged, care is sorted for their return & the whole thing starts again.
Now we’re having to think about what to do with granny if/when granddad passes away. She can’t return to their apartment alone. I feel so cross that if they’d agreed to go into a care home a few years ago, granddad wouldn’t have fallen, they wouldn’t be separated and they would be settled in when the other one passed.

It’s exhausting and you all have my full sympathies.

Thanks all, it's registered already - we did it at the same time as Dad's - though mum now denies that she agreed to it 🙄. When it's needed, I suppose I'm just going to have to use the LPA and take the flack.

@TheIoWfairy The websites for the banks will tell you what id they want to see, some you can book an appointment in advance. With "new" PoAa there is a code that you can generate which allows them to look at the PoA online and cuts out the copying of forms, my experience in September was that none of the places I had to contact was using that.

@TheIoWfairy like @notaflyingmonkey I got access via the POA to my Mum's banking long before she lost capacity. It took a proper appointment at the bank branch to get it set up (alone) but was very easy. The wording i used with my mum was to make it clear that she would still make the decisions but it meant I could do the legwork for her. I'm not sure that she ever really understood what online access for me actually meant, but the ability to reassure her when she panicked about having no money left was priceless. She was always pretty reasonable even when a bit forgetful though.

I used my POA with mum's bank before she lost capacity, but was already starting to miss bills etc and get into a muddle. It meant I had joint access to her account, but sole access to her online banking (she wasn't computer literate), so that I could set up paperless direct debits etc so that I knew things were getting paid on time.

Keep going @NewYearNewMinty, it's irritating to go through the process but having a job will be really positive for you (and be an excellent excuse when your mother gets demanding)
I've got a bit more headspace now Dad's funeral is behind us (thinking of you too @countrygirl99 ). What's become more apparent is Mum's inability to cope with simple admin, anxiety and a worrying vulnerability. She's making daft decisions, which I understand we all do sometimes, but it's difficult to watch. I have a LPA but she's adamant that she's going to do the daft stuff.
What's the process for actually putting it into action ultimately, when the time comes? She wouldn't fail any objective test of capacity (yet) so I suspect I'll be sitting back watching the crash then expected to clear up the mess. Anyone any advice?

@thesandwich you sound so positive...it's really inspiring. I hope all continues to go smoothly for you.

@notaflyingmonkey quiet week really.

I had a phone chat with one job but won't hear until the end of next week if I'll get a formal interview.

Was hoping to hear from the job I had a video interview for last week about a formal interview but nothing so far.

Had an email from another asking to have a phone chat, sent back saying 'great, let me know when's convenient' and haven't heard a thing since.

Submitted another application today...writing tomorrow, start again on Sunday

Hello all, thanks@notaflyingmonkey two down, ten to go….. so far, pretty good and no major side effects🤞Except feeling weedy for a few days and I’m now sporting some v fetching headwear- the joys of very quick showers! Next cocktail will be weekly so we will see. Found an amazing personal trainer on line who is an expert in cancer rehab and is helping massively.
How are you nota; any progress with assessment etc for your mum?
And your health?
Sending good wishes to all.

How are you doing with the chemo Sandwich?

How did the job applications go Minty?

Mum couldn't look after him...she'd get up into he morning and be worrying about the house looking spotless and having her hair and make up on before the carers came than sorting out his breakfast and meds. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't ignoring his needs, just had her priorities arse about face.

Losing patience, couldn't deal with personal care at all, didn't agree with giving painkilling meds until he was crying out in pain...it was horrific, and the hospice had declined our referral 3x.

I still believe it was the best thing we could've done, even though visiting was limited at the time.

His pain was well managed, he was kept clean and comfortable and well fed with home cooked food. Most of all it was peaceful...he didn't have to deal with my mum's hysterics or me losing my shit with her because we were both so frustrated, exhausted and stressed.

What we want and what we need are sometimes two very different things and although the powers that be will hit you with 'patient's voice' at every opportunity, this is not just about what's best for your dad.

Be kind to yourself .

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the words of wisdom. I do know that it’s the right thing. It comes down to the simple fact that Mum can’t care for him anymore, and he can’t care for himself. It’s just bloody hard.