Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

I think it's worse if you've always done things yourself, I had a phone number for a plumber, electrician and gas fitter but not a gardener, decorator, carpet fitter or general handyman because between the two of us we had the last list covered. I haven't put a shelf up in forty years and rather than relearn my lost (and very average) skills I'd get someone in. Happily for me my knitting group are mostly twenty years older than me and they have numbers for every sort of specialist and odd jobbers.

Through my mums lovely cleaner we found a fantastic chap setting up a gardening business…. He is a very gentle soul who has the ability to provide the brute force and skill necessary in a way that doesn’t make his elderly clients feel incapable…. Several friends in their eighties who now use him weekly have said their dh’s feel comfortable working with him on tasks so they don’t feel useless, and it’s given them a new lease of life. He now has 8 clients in my dms very short road…….
Also does painting/ minor repairs/ decorating etc…….. a treasure.

“she only ever wants us to come round when she’s got a list of jobs”

I'm the opposite...my mum always moans that I don't do anything practical for her, but never tells me what she wants done!

@MereDintofPandiculation oh I see, apologies, it sounds as though you and DH are currently the 'existing workmen'.

My DM has getting all sorts of work done in her house and taking the opportunity to get little jobs such as moving furniture, retuning tv. I realise that she's mainly glad of the company. I could pay for a carer but she wouldn't accept it and this way the house gets decorated, plumbing is sorted etc as well. I hope these kind workers don't mind.

@MereDintofPandiculation could you ask one of your existing workmen, many are pleased to earn a bit of easy cash. For instance, I pay a man with a removal business to do my garden, just mowing and weeding and he's very happy to do it for £40 but said not to mention it on the reviews as he doesn't want to become a gardener! A plumber who I've used for years took a bed apart last year for me. A job such as moving a wardrobe can easily be fitted in on the way back from somewhere. I know what you mean about not giving your DS a list of jobs when he visits.

Sorry thought I'd quoted @PermanentTemporary

This is a good idea.

The guy that fitted my bathroom does all sorts and I used him for this last year when I was in the thick of it with Dad.

He came round for about 3 hours, fitted a roller blind, wall mounted DDs guitars, rehung the sitting room door, fixed the bolt on the back gate and a couple of other bits and bobs for about £120.

I have a friend five minutes down the road and together we do whatever two person jobs need doing. Sometimes it's here, sometimes it's there. We're both capable but there are times when you need four hands and two backs for a job when it's not possible or safe to do it alone.

There are quite a few Handyman services round our way - easy because I'm in a city. I save up jobs for mine and he doesn't mind doing a list of small jobs. Not cheap but he knows ill pay on the nail and work round him. I feel lucky to know him.

I agree Dint that the details are really important when you can't control them and have limited options. My DM rather cried wolf in that regard though by being unsatisfied with everything her whole life and never failing to compare her own situation unfavourably with everyone else's.

Bingo!

I hope your horse does well countrygirl

Minty I absolutely had my fill of every phone call being a list of moans and instructions. Sometimes I would say 'Not too bad thanks, but I've had a few problems at work' when she hadn't asked (she never asked). I either see her in person at the care home now, or I have a small number of facetimes I can cope with, mediated by a nice carer because my kumquat can't use a mobile and it's such a relief. I can actually have my phones on again now.

I agree Dint that the details are really important when you can't control them and have limited options. My DM rather cried wolf in that regard though by being unsatisfied with everything her whole life and never failing to compare her own situation unfavourably with everyone else's.

Good luck @countrygirl99

Good luck with the operation @countrygirl99 I know of two horses who've had this done and they adapted remarkably well afterwards. My mum when she could still talk used to moan about the Tuesday carer (me) and how she didn't like her..

@countrygirl99 thinking of you with your horse and hoping the op is successful xxx

@NewYearNewMinty oh dear 'Minty?' mine doesn't even do that! I'm impressed yours has atoned somewhat after your mentioning it.

@thesandwich 'peoply' sums it up! My mother mentioned M&S the other day which is somewhere, to my knowledge, she has never shopped for food before. She would be horrified at the prospect of a carer, even though in reality she already has one.

Sorry about your horse @countrygirl99 everything crossed op is a success.
@Fantasea sounds v familiar. Could you get a carer to take your q to the supermarket? I know dm would kill for a trip to m and s but she’s not mobile enough and I ain’t taking her….. far too peoply!
@country I think we can budge up and let your db in for gin and therapy!

Just had my daily phone call with mum to betold how much my DB has done with a list of thing that I have done 😏. To be fair to DB we've shared the tasks, just his didn't get mentioned, and yesterday he got "you never come to see me like Country does, she always takes me out" about an hour after he left her. And he's done a lot more supermarket trips and appointments than I have, it's just I've done the coffee and cake trips.
Anyway, decision made about my horse - he's having the op to remove his eye next week and that's my annual bonus gone.

@Fantasea

That all sounds very familiar. My mum will remember something from years ago about someone she vaguely knows (often one of my longstanding friends) and use it to create a whole scenario about that person's abilities with money, morals, parenting skills, relationships...you name it. And of course she's always right and it's always her business.

She also does the phone call thing...just barks 'Minty?' down the phone and let's of a stream of instructions/moans. I must admit though I mentioned it to her the other week and I haven't noticed it so much since.

Don't even get me started on the online shopping issues 🤦‍♀️

Hello ladies, I've just caught up on the thread and I'm sorry to hear of everyone's struggles.

My DM, who doesn't have dementia, embellishes stories greatly so they were once loosely based on truth. She also speaks over everyone and needs to be the only voice in the room, it drives me insane. She has a library of monologues in her head for any occasion, all relating back to herself, so whatever anyone says, she will tell the stock story of when such and such happened to her - this can go on for up to an hour of her talking by herself! She's very keen on the news and current affairs programmes and then wants to have the argument she's witnessed that morning or whenever, with me! She will get really angry about inflation or whatever and it used to trouble me but now it just annoys and upsets me, I do so much to help her and she doesn't appreciate a thing. I went over yesterday after a day of running around with hospital appointments and sorting out a plumber to do her online grocery order. In the evening she rang and her opener was 'I need to cancel something', not even a hello! Online groceries are a huge bone of contention, she wants to go to the supermarket but I'm not able to provide that, so any hiccup with a substitution or unavailable item is met with huge huffing (which I ignore).

@thesandwich thinking of you on chemo and hope it's not too awful. I'm in the same boat and it's not easy x

My mother is no longer DM but shall henceforth be my Kumquat.

She too does the whole stories thing. She was doing it long before there was any indication that she was suffering from any sort of dementia but perhaps it was actually the first sign.

While she was still at home she would get it into her head that such and such a carer had been sacked because she hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. If she didn't know something she would make it up.