Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

Not sure about England but here in Wales two and a half years after mum came out of hospital I am still waiting for the carer's assessment and to be consulted on how she would be cared for on her release. We were lied to and told she was self mobilising but they would still send in carers twice a day. Which lasted about a fortnight until mum said they weren't needed and I would carry on thereafter!

If you have an aged relative in hospital should as loud as you can that you are the carer and make it clear to everyone what your boundaries are. Trust me, if you don't it will all fall on you!

Carers Wales promised the earth but there was no support for us as cares at all.

Thats a really good page @thesandwich.

Hello all, just seen this link I thought some with elderlies in hospital might find useful?
www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/coming-out-of-hospital?fbclid=IwAR1r8bCRr-BH-F7g4UoznPHYKjKsUuAq4x_FH-hyotK88maC6M265W5wHxw
Cockroach all!

I was just rereading your post about your DM and when she 'died' Knot and just wanted to offer a virtual acknowledgement, it's hard.

PermaTemp feeling for you, but it's your DM who is in that state of mind, you can't change it and nor can HCPs (or you all would be changing it) and you deserve to have some peace in your mind, even if she can't.

Nota if you don't have much more in you, can you plan for what you do next? Everything can't all be driven by her wants surely?

Toofar and Minty milestone memories sort of ambush don't they.

Cockroaches all!

Hi all...welcome to the newbies.

Sorry to read so many of you are struggling atm. It certainly puts my issues in perspective.

Mum has been a bit lately or perhaps I'm just managing it better. Don't feel great in myself but that's not just a mum thing. She's still low level trying and the carer saga continues but hey ho.

Went round yesterday and spent an hour and a half reapplying for her Blue Badge. We get on much better if we're doing something.

It was six months yesterday since Dad passed away. Whenever these landmarks hit I just feel very, very sad. Not necessarily tearful, but as if someone has turned the lights off.

Mum mentioned trying to sort out what to do with his ashes and I told her I'm in no way ready to let them go just yet which she understood. She still has her mum's from 40 years ago. They are in the cupboard together, albeit on separate shelves which is probably the only thing stopping a spectacular haunting as they couldn't stand each other!

Mum's cognitive function and memory definitely isn't what it was, and the filters are, well, y'know but she's still very much herself.

Reading some of these posts I can only pray that when the time comes she goes quickly before she deteriorates too badly. The fear of her going on for years slowly deteriorating is crushing.

I really don't know how some of you cope.

PermanentTemporary my sympathies. DM became extremely depressed and somewhat isolated in her retirement flat during the lockdowns. By the start of this year she was getting distressed and picked up the packing bug. Fortunately we were able to get her into a lovely home (albeit with 2 weeks self isolation).

The packing continued apace and she struggled to sleep because she was so anxious.

Her move coincided with a review of medication and a new GP. He put her on some anti-psychotic meds which finally enabled her to get some sleep and she brightened up no end. Her old GP tended to assume that everything was a UTI .

She did not live many months longer, but it was good to see her smiling and joining in with activities and not have her phoning at all hours in floods of tears.

Wishing you all the best in the conservatory

Just checking in to reserve my spot in the new sunroom. Glad to see a well stocked drinks trolley, thanks for that Dint.

I've written countless posts about how overwhelming dealing with DM's endless needs is, and then deleted them. I almost had a weekend off as DB went to see her on Saturday, then the carer messaged me to say that a curtain rail had broken and could I go and see to it. So that was Sunday morning written off. Again.

It's like painting the Forth Bridge - my To Do list for her never ends.

She keeps telling me off about the mouse /mice. But then she dicks about with the traps that I put down - I really don't know how much more of this I have in me.

PoA, if granny was funding the heir through university even if she'd already paid for three years out of the four you cannot continure paying for fees without application to the court of protection. I can see why, it's hardly of any benefit to her but I wish I'd let her give me all the money up front as she wanted to do.

Nettlemania.

Your Dad sounds similar to mine. He was such a dignified gentleman, and extreme old age robbed him of that, ( he was 98 when he died) - yet his darling face would always light up when he saw me. I miss him very much - more than ever, actually - and it's been eight years.

I discovered another little quirk yesterday about PoA.

Once your oldie has lost capacity, unless you have a specific and unusual provision in your PoA, you cannot invest money in a fund on their behalf. You can invest it in a bank or building society as cash deposits of course, but not in an investment fund, because this is ceding your responsibility over their affairs to a third party.

I didn't at first believe this news from my financial adviser, but checked with the family solicitor and it is indeed true. The only way round it appears to be via a complex application to the Court of Protection, which can take up to two years with no guarantee of a successful outcome.

If your oldie already has money invested in such a fund, it's possible you will need to transfer it to cash deposits when you take over management of their affairs under PoA- but check with a solicitor, and do it sooner rather than later.

Realised via photos etc that today is the third anniversary of the crisis that started all this off. In a much better position than 3 years ago, but blimey I’m tired of this.

Cockroach, all x

@NettleMania hello. So sorry to hear about the struggle with your dad. I can not imagine how my own dad would have coped in that situation. He was an old fashioned gentleman and would have hated to receive personal care or to lose his dignity in any way.

One of the best and the worst things about this page is seeing what might lie ahead - the relief of "that hasn't happened here yet" and the anxiety of "what if that happens with my mum/dad/relative"!

My friend's mum was moved to a different home because of her violence brought on the dementia - it's not her at all, she has always been a quiet, gentle lady but the dementia has changed her completely."

Mum seems to be settling in ok in the home. She's not happy but she is less miserable, or she was when we saw her yesterday. I am coming to the realisation that the depression is a part of her illness and not something that I can fix in any way. And not something that I am responsible for either. She blames me for the fact she is in a home but I can't change that.

My cousin was shocked yesterday when she spent a couple of minutes alone with mum. I went up to her room to find her handbag which she was worrying about (nothing in it but a bottle of perfume - nothing of any value to lose) and my cousin realised that mum is barely able to keep a thought in her mind for a whole sentence. When we visit we work as a bit of a tag team and can keep the conversation flowing but one to one she is hard work.

Hello @NettleMania

Can I join?

My Df is 94 and very frail physically, though mostly fine mentally.

He should really have 24 hour care, but refuses point blank to go into a care home after a week of respite earlier in the year, that he absolutely hated. He does have 3 or 4 carers throughout the day who he regards as personal friends.

I went to visit at the weekend and he was very distressed about not making it to the loo on time. He was mortified and wouldn't hear of me doing anything to help. Instead he waited for his carer to clean up while he made small talk and I tried to ignore the smell.

He's such a lovely, good humoured man, but I hate to see the indignity of what old age has done to him.

Is there a more specialised place she can go?

I have a sibling that gets violent when she's not well & it's really difficult. She's now older, so has been in a variety of places & some definitely are better able to cope but finding them is hard.

Well, dm tried to attack a nurse and the home have given notice that they can't keep her. Really feel for the nurse and also for my mum - I can't bear that my dear mum who never even spanked us is in this furious terrified state.

[quote MereDintofPandiculation]@LittlePearl I suggest you do have that glass of wine. “I’m sorry, I can’t come round tonight, I’ve had a drink” is a very useful phrase.

Ultimately, your dad needs to realise you can’t manage it all. And you can’t make him realise that by managing everything he asks of you[/quote]
Thanks very much for this, @MereDintofPandiculation

As it happens things have suddenly shifted after we hit an all time low yesterday and he has agreed to go into residential care - not necessarily permanently, but at least for the time being. So I'm now rushing around like the proverbial blue arsed fly trying to sort everything in time for The Move on Friday, but with a feeling of relief that is strangely energising.

And I'll be cracking open my best bottle of Merlot on Friday evening......

Hi @Knotaknitter I’m ok thanks….. recovering post op and will hear next week what’s next. Puts dm in perspective.

Meh, I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself because I'm so tired but thank you.

How are you @thesandwich ?

Oh @Knotaknitter I’m so sorry. Sending 🌺🌺and🍫🍫 we hear you.

My heart goes out to all of you that are struggling right now. We trudge forward through another day because that's all we can do.

PermanentTemporary It is really common for new residents to be packing to go home. They know they are in the wrong place and want to get back to the right place. When home is no longer safe then it ceases to be an option, we know that but they don't. Our children might want to play on the rail tracks but they absolutely can't, no matter how much they want it, it can't happen. They can't see that the risks far outweigh their desires but we can.

Mum had a toilet in her previous bedroom but after six months in the room had no idea what was behind the door. Five minutes after I showed her what was in there, she still had no idea. Her new room has no toilet and I'm not bothered in the slightest because she wouldn't have used it anyway.

No sleep here as the home called after ten to tell me mum was in a bad way. This morning she's sitting up with a cup of tea, at least they called early and told me. I wish they hadn't called at all, it's selfish but there's nothing I can do (isolating, day 8/10 but feels like day 26) and from my point of view, my mum died in April when she fell. Everything we shared, that common experience of our life changed on that day and she's a stranger to me now and me to her. Instead of sleep I've had hours of reliving the experiences of the last couple of years and to be honest, they sucked at the time and are no more pleasant in hindsight.

As usual, there's no-one in real life to dump this on so thanks for being here for me.

Thank you... we are going to try for a nicer nursing home, we do know a lot of it is flummery but a home with a functioning bath would be nice!

@PermanentTemporary I’m sorry, this is so hard. But she is a prisoner in her own mind. There is nowhere that she would be happy, and she is in the safest place she can be, getting the best care that can be arranged for her.