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Xmas can be a minefield that's for sure.
Atm mum is coming here for lunch. She usually wants leave as soon as she's eaten.
She'll visit my golden balls brother 1st then my sister then me.
She's just started having those frozen meals delivered so if it all goes pear shaped at least she'll have a hot meal.
She's pretty frail now. Had the last of her tests today ready for the GP appointment next week.
Dh is away next week with work so no doubt they'll be some sort of crisis

What do you want to do for Christmas? If you hate Christmas Day itself and want to ignore it, could you invite them for lunch on Boxing Day? Or supper on Christmas Eve?Then you’ve done something but the pressure to have a “jolly” Christmas is slightly less?

So maybe I should make some effort but that effort may cause her more difficulties?

Any advice on boundaries and how to set them or where to set them?

I'm feeling a bit guilty about Christmas. I had a complete meltdown, despite it only being the 2 of us last year, as I find Christmas really difficult. This year, in-laws are back in the same town but haven't really bothered with us since they came back and they've never done Christmas for us. They did make an effort my my Bil & Sil recently, so I'm not sure what's going on and DH isn't inclined to probe...so I'm contemplating ignoring Christmas altogether.

OTOH, they're both pretty frail and MiL is definitely having major cognitive issues, I'm not sure she'd know it was Christmas Day and socialising is difficult for her.

Hello all

Please may I pull up a chair? I’m sorry to read about people who are really in the thick of things. My lovely grandad died earlier this year just short of his hundredth birthday, after his last few years were so difficult with dementia. My mum bore the brunt of that, but it was still so tough and my heart goes out to those of you on the front line.

DH and I are carers for his parents, who live very nearby. They’re both in very poor health, and just generally very frail. Probably as a consequence of this (but also, I think, as a subconscious reaction to how their own parents’ last years played out) they have just given up doing anything for themselves. Poor DH is run ragged. He’s under a lot of stress at work, isn’t in good health himself and we have teens/tweens who need lots of our time both in terms of lifts etc but also just being available to them and supporting with GCSEs etc.
I don’t think there is a magic solution, but it’s tough. DH is too stressed for any input from me about how we handle things to feel like anything other than criticism. And I hate feeling resentful, but I also can’t help but remember that while my in-laws are lovely people and I am genuinely very fond of them, they chose not to offer any practical help when our DC were very small (which was absolutely their choice, I didn’t resent that at the time, but it rankles now a little bit that suddenly DH is not being given the same choice to prioritise his own time or needs).

Sorry, a total bitchy ramble

MIL's heart operation was cancelled on the day, so she is back at home, but behaving quite well and in good spirits. She made us some crème brûlées as she is in cooking mood!

If she is like this then I see no problem with her coming to us on Christmas Day as usual (along with my DF and DB).

However, we are now waiting for a new date for the operation and have no idea if that is going to bump into Christmas. We are hoping that it will be after, but who knows.

I am trying not to think about Christmas but it's approaching horribly fast. I'm just hoping mum will be in somewhere else by mid December at the latest - seems unlikely - ot otherwise she will still be in a very unsettled transition period. I am guessing that I should try to have her home for the day and just prefer not to think about it until I have to.

Christmas Eve should be a good day just ds and me but I've agreed to work so it will only be the evening. We tend to invite ourselves out anyway. Then boxing day lunch or tea with my Fil. It's not going to be amazing but we'll get through it all right.

I'm not thinking about Christmas, I'm not convinced mum will see it so there's no point worrying about it until later. I've hosted MIL for Chistmas once, the year when FIL died and it was a total disaster. I've had thirty years of "It's all for children isn't it?" "I don't know why people make all this fuss" "I prefer a nice chicken" "If it were left to me I wouldn't bother". I will not be visiting or bringing her out for the day, she has actual blood relations and they can step up.

Mum has always gone over the top at Christmas but I think she's so far along the dementia path now to not be horrified that she's not done piles of shopping and bought me a turkey. It will be strange just being the two of us but we'll manage.

I could not accommodate 15 for a sit down meal, it just wouldn't happen. I've had a buffet for that many but my local guests brought some more plates and chairs.

Mum is convinced she will be home by Christmas. Given that she is now incontinent, can not stand and requires two carers and a hoist to move her from one chair to another it's not going to happen.

Christmas here will be very different without her. We will have all five children and their spouses/fiance plus daughter's in laws so we will be 15. DD's SiL is terrified of dogs. We have three - two large one small - so we need to move them into my mum's for the duration. DH has decided he may well have to do a fair bit of dog sitting through the day to keep them quiet - and to give him some headspace!

Son in law and his family are all foodies. I am very much a "shake it out of the packet and bung it in the oven" kind of cook. We can either move the furniture out of the living room and put two tables together there but have nowhere to sit in comfort afterwards or we can eat dinner on our knees but not roast turkey etc.

Plus at some point in the day someone has to drive me to visit mum. In fairness to the family they will probably all be keen to take me but it is something to be planned around and fitted in.

And just to make sure that there is a little extra chaos - my daughter in law's family will come in the evening - her mother, mother's partner and grandmother.

Does anyone else think life would be easier with a lockdown?

That's tough Dint...but I'm sure you'll manage to spend some special time with him around Christmas and he'll love that.

I would love to have a Christmas Day at home, just me, DD and the cats (and best mate if she wanted to) buy that's a non starter so I just try and make another day 'our day' instead.

DD and I have lovely plans for Christmas Eve, and I'm going out with best mate NYE...you'll probably hear the meltdown from mum about that but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

I managed to have a bit of a heart to heart with Mum today.

Told her a couple of things that were bothering me wrt our relationship/communications and not sure if they've sunk in but there was no aggro.

Also sorted out Christmas plans. Have acquiesced to her request that we go to her, but on the upside my best mate is joining us which will be lovely and make it all a bit less intense.

This thread is great because some of the seasoned campaigners can share advice, tips, and also what we wish we’d known, or would have done differently……
And just knowing we are not alone. Or selfish. Or unreasonable in having lives of our own.

I agree this is a very important thread as it's so easy to be sucked in and not know about boundaries, particularly if you've already had "interesting times" over the years.

I hadn't appreciated the length of time that these issues can on and I'm trying to step back from wanting to fix everything for everyone all the time. I feel like a bad D and DiL but actually my DM is perhaps hearing me, not sure about the PiL, going to leave that to my DH.

Hello Quickchange, I manage to be both a bad daughter and a bad DIL on occasion. I was the fixer of all broken things, the changer of batteries and the shopper and if it had stopped there I might still be doing it. I stepped back from MIL when it was clear that The Family didn't want to acknowledge that she wasn't coping, was very confused and really wasn't safe. The great carpet cleaning incident was the one where I decided that things had gone too far and I wasn't prepared to hold up the house of cards any longer. Fast forward 18 months, she's put a bit of weight on, she's dressed when I see her and her water retention issues have been sorted out. Residential care will probably add years to her life because she wasn't doing a good job of taking care of herself.

I have good news, it makes a change. I think I said a couple of weeks ago that the DWP wanted to see the finance power of attorney and as there was no way I was posting it to them for however knows long I took it into a Jobcentre and they copied it and sent it away. All good, job done. Today I received a big brown envelope from the DWP with a certified copy of the PoA in it which I was not expecting but will come in massively useful.

Welcome Quick. There is a real expectation that daughters, or DIL's will shoulder the burden of elder care. It takes a lot to push back against that. Even with my outsourcing as many of the tasks that I possibly can with DM, it is still a constant juggling act.

DM's carer took pity on me this week and got her DH to put the replacement curtain rail up, as I stood there looking at it with DM wittering away in my ear and had to put it back down again before I lost my shit.

Hello all, mind if I join and go straight to the bad daughters corner? Although in truth I and a daughter-in-law, and a bad one at that.
Have lurked on this board for a long time and have found it so helpful, if only to make me realise I am not alone.
Very elderly mil - lives alone- manages, just- but is ever more forgetful and needy and regards it as my duty to be her on-call maid for all needs.
Nothing specific today, but wanted to say thanks for your unknowing support these last couple of years .

MIL is in hospital and is supposed to be having her op today, although the admissions procedure was so hopeless and shambolic I don't have any real confidence that they even know she's there!

DH took her in yesterday afternoon. After a couple of hours left sitting on their own they were eventually shown up to a virtually empty ward (one other patient) half dark and with no bed made up, to be met by a nurse asking 'What do you want me to do?' God knows if MIL even got any supper!

She will be in ICU tomorrow and I think will need to be in for a couple more days, then we have to negotiate her discharge as she will not be able to manage at home for a while, even with our help.

Well the plan for DF to go into residential care tomorrow has been rescheduled to Monday but he's definitely going to go......although just for 4 weeks.

Mixed feelings. I'm so glad that I've got a 4 week break (and having it over Christmas is a big help because I don't need to worry about him being on his own when we're not with him) but I had hoped he'd be willing to stay a bit longer.

Realistically, he was never going to agree to it permanently - not yet at least. But I'm going to insist he has carers coming in daily when he goes home.

Or I'm going to try to insist

No worries @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I do know how different things are in reality but knowing what should happen and the language may be useful for some.
And if the elderlies refuse……..

It is a huge relief but also I miss her. I miss my mum. I'm 60 years old and I spoke to her nearly every day until she went into hospital. Now I see her once a week and she doesn't know my name. She isn't always sure who I am. I have gained so much - time, freedom, simple things like sitting at the dining table with my husband to eat dinner was impossible 6 months ago and I appreciate it all but I miss her!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere You have really had a marathon of it. It must be a ton of weight off your shoulders to know they are safe, but in someone else's care.

Sorry, my post was a bit ranty and in no way directed at you @thesandwich.

@NotMeNoNo I am 5 months on from mum's last hospital admission when a wonderful carer suggested mum may have had a stroke. If she hadn't done that and the GP hadn't suggested we should call the ambulance then I dread to think where I would be now. Mum is in a home and I am slowly catching my breath and emerging blinking into the daylight after 17 years as her carer!

Oh God NotMe. It's the complete disrespect for your time and worry that hurts so much.

Yes, my MIL has also just come home from her second emergency hospital admission in 3 weeks, with no care plan. "The nurses say I'm well and don't need any help!". All the support we have chased up in the last month, has been politely declined by FIL despite him being halfway through a course of chemo.

DH is so cross he's not speaking to them. It's bizarre isn't it.