Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere of course you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask why your Mum wasn't dressed properly.

Hairbrush Not quite the same but I have seen both MIL and mum when they've been wearing other people's clothes. The first time it really hurt, subsequently not so much. I've been through MIL's wardrobe pulling out the clothes that are clearly labelled with other people's names and handing them over for redirection but I used to put the pants in the wrong drawers when there were only three of us.

I would trust what you see and feel and not what is told to you. MIL is now an unreliable witness, she told me she'd been out to the biiig shopping centre that morning which I might just have swallowed had she not previously told me that they were organising a day trip to America. Mum also told me things that happened twenty years ago but was positive they happened that morning. She would swear on a stack of bibles that she'd had a shower that morning, she had the memory of it but a month's spider webs in the bottom of the bath said that it wasn't a recent one.

Christmas is a stressful time for the organisers among us, there's pressure to make sure that everyone has a perfect Christmas even though we pull ourselves in three different directions to make that happen. Add caring responsibilities on top of that and it can be all too much.

Thank you for the good wishes, @Words @MintyCedric and @Quickchangeartiste. Hearing others have been through this and got through helps 🌺🌺.
This talk of risking injuries and health because stubborn oldies won’t use equipment makes me so angry. Can I lend you my dh who told dm who was adamant she wouldn’t have a booster she wouldn’t see me as I’m going to be v vulnerable? She changed her mind…..
@words I love your Christmas plan. You so deserve it.
And @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere your friend is right. Please be kind to yourself. You have done amazingly to keep your dm at home so long.
Please take time for you.
Detaching is a good plan. But it ain’t easy.

Lovely to read other people's inspirational plans for a humane Christmas.

I'm on holiday from work and having not visited DM on Friday Saturday or Sunday (visited MIL on Saturday in HER nursing home) I am visiting DM every day because I can't stand the guilt otherwise. I think they have managed to get some medication into her somehow because she is less distressed and hasn't attacked a member of staff for a day or two. On the other hand she is very low.

I know it's not a new thing on this thread but God we wouldn't keep a guinea pig alive in this state, and apologies to gp lovers but my mum is worth more than a guinea pig.

@Words you win the medal for inspirational boundary setting. I love the idea of your Christmas.

My friend and I have decided to treat ourselves this year. We have set a budget of £ 20.00 and we are buying our own presents. On the 19th (we always have a takeaway on a Sunday night) we will swap labels and open the presents we have bought ourselves!

She has talked me down from my upset about mum's clothing. She pointed out that they knew we were coming and mum was ready to see us dressed like that. If we had turned up unexpectedly and she was in that state it would be different. She thought it was likely that they knew we were coming, may well have soiled herself and so it was easier to cover her up and get her into the dining room than to hoist her and change her clothes.

I have a strop with my poor husband. I have always instigated the Christmas shopping. Left to him his mum would have nothing. This year I am fresh out of inspiration so I settled for a cashmere scarf from T K Maxx. Not original or exciting but something I would love for myself so not entirely without thought.

As my lovely friend pointed out I been under a lot of stress from my mother (and feeling cross and anxious about it all) so it's not surprising that I am not overwhelmed with affection for her now she is so negative and so cross with me all the time.

I'm feeling much better than the weepy anxious bad daughter that posted this morning. Now I am a more relaxed and detached bad daughter.

That sounds nice. I might copy that plan. 😁

Great news @TheSandwich!

My Christmas plans are: take flowers and card to mother in home on Christmas Eve. Spend the allotted half hour having the same conversation as usual.

Cook special roast chicken dinner for best friend on the day.

Light wood burner, read book, cuddle the cat.

Surf the Internet for a treat or two for ME.

The End.

I've spent the best part of three decades driving to and fro to parents on Christmas Day, making huge efforts with food and gifts, even though I absolutely detest the whole wretched thing.

This is now my time and I will do as I like.

< climbs onto podium at Bad Daughter Olympics>

I have a relative who is an OT and she goes ballistic if she sees me helping mum manually too much. I see her thinking now, after a few years of it and having arthritis and being a bit wobbly myself.

A rollator will be a great help to her. I suggested one to a friend with MS and she dismissed it. Later got one and raved about it.

I was on the phone to FIL yesterday. We managed to have "we can't manage" and "We dont' want any help" in the same conversation. They would rather lurch from crisis to crisis and keep wasting time calling 999 than put some day to day help in place.

Just come here to vent. Why is it that elderly folk are so stubborn? I'm starting to wonder if they have always been stubborn, that's why they live into their 80s and 90s. Always got their own way, always had others running round after them. Those that spend our lives placating them, doing their bidding etc end up burned out and exhausted in an early old age.

My sis (who mum lives with) got an OT assessment. Aids to help bathing/showering offered. DM put on her "no way" face and turned everything down. Atm she comes to my house where I struggle to get her into the bath and 2 of us struggle to get her out again, despite my 2 hernias. She'd rather have that than a swivel shower seat or whatever.

The OT said one of those 3 wheel walkers would help her mobility. Again DM pulled a face. Why have one of those when she can cling on to my arm which gives me backache and exacerbates the pain in my knee?

It's exhausting.

Good news @thesandwich. Been on a similar path, and now fully in remission. Hope it goes well for you.

We’re in NE Scotland and have been without power for a few days - MIL has been fine, unaffected other than unable to summon me on the phone. I almost cried when the power came back on 😂😂

Congratulations @thesandwich...hope you have a fabulous festive season before starting the rest of the treatment.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking the question and hopefully they'll be able to explain what happened and give you some reassurance.

FWIW I don't think Dad wore 'bottoms' most of the 7 weeks in the home. He was in bed, covered up and otherwise clean and tidy with a fresh top on every day. Obviously a different scenario but I'm sure there will be a logical explanation for your DM.

As for dealing numb...go easy on yourself. You're both still adjusting and it's the first Christmas without her fully present, it's understandable that you would struggle. Can you talk to your DP, one of the kids or a close friend about how you're feeling?

If you're really struggling and don't want to talk to someone that close I'd highly recommend the SHOUT mental health text helpline 85258 to get things off your chest.

It's funny how people cope with situations and relationships differently. I find my mum easier to manage if I dial down the mother/daughter aspect and try and view as a bereaved old lady who is a bit of a character.

I wonder if she was being uncooperative and that was the only way they could get her covered without resorting to force?
I understand what you say about there being nothing that was your mum. DH always says his mum died when she had her catastrophic stroke s
And now there is a stranger with a completely different personality inhabiting her wrecked body.

If you’re concerned, there’s nothing wrong with asking the home how your mum is getting on - you can phrase it as a question “I noticed she wasn’t dressed properly yesterday - is there an issue with her getting dressed?”

I’m afraid my DM is often undressed- you can’t force someone to get dressed and she often undresses herself. All you can do is ask them to check she’s got clothes on before visitors go in.

It is a horrible experience because you’ve “lost” the person but they’re still alive. It’s a form of ongoing grieving, which I think is very hard.

I am having a major wobble here. If I saw this on AIBU I would definitely vote Not Unreasonable but I'm not sure.

Every interaction I have seen between the carers and the residents in the home has been positive. Even last night when we were there we saw two carers hand in hand with a lady walking round the corridors singing with her. When we were ready to leave another carer who lives in the building and had come downstairs to make herself a drink said that she would take mum back to her room and let us out. We have seen the nurses on their knees holding hands with distressed residents, hugging them, always showing affection. As far as everything we have seen they are so caring even though they are understaffed. Mum says that the atmosphere is horrible, the carers shout and swear at them all and she is not used to being treated like that.

However when we arrived to see mum yesterday she was wearing a floral top with a matching cardigan and then a printed skirt which did not in any way go with the top which six months ago she would never have agreed to put together (I tried to make sure that she had a selection of plain bottoms and patterned tops to make it easy to mix and match) but she wasn't actually wearing the skirt - it was sort of draped over her and tucked in at the sides. I felt so embarrassed for her. I would have hated any of her friends to see her like that.

Now I've written it down it doesn't seem like something to get riled up about but last night it seemed to be the final straw and I wanted to ask if I would be unreasonable to phone the home and ask what was going on!

Mentally I am struggling this week. I feel completely numb towards the old lady I visited last night. There was nothing about her that was my mum. I felt sorry about her distress - she said that she was convinced that we were coming to tell her she was coming home. But I feel numb. Please tell me all this is normal and I will love her again.

@wombat69 it's a good job he is close every time "the carers" hide something/ fiddle with the heating controls/ mess up the tv etc. Because it's never mum and dad can barely move from his chair so it must be them right?

I feel your DBs pain. In-laws clearly need help but ignoring us & I suspect people are making assumptions. It's awkward.

Our Christmas plans are up in the air thanks to omicron. We are disposed to be going to Finland to stay with DS2 and DIL and are just hoping Finland don't pull up thr drawbridge. DB asked me if we would have mum and dad this year - they wouldn't come to us while their cat was alive and that was my get out. DB is really struggling with mum refusing to accept any help despite needing it and he's the one round the corner.

Great news Sandwich. Sobering thought that it took cancer to force you to prioritise yourself - well done on reconfiguring though.

DM moaned all through my visit yesterday about how she wasn't happy with any of the things that I have sorted for her recently. (And that was without her seeing what a mess I made of trying to put a makeshift screen up in the garden to cover a blown fence panel). So I ended the visit by encouraging her to think about what she will do when I am not around so much next year when I manage to sell my house.

Best wishes @thesandwich

Hello all, welcome to newbies. You are all welcome to vent here. No judgement just sympathy.
@notaflyingmonkey thank you for asking- good news, op successful in removing cancer. Now on to chemo/ radio in the new year. V relieved.
I know it’s just part of the journey, but one step at a time. And it’s forced me to put myself higher priority. And let the well paid carers do more for dm. Stepping back. Siblings mixed in response but some support.
Christmas…. Well, a way off in my mind. May be able to get dm here or take lunch to hers. But I will put what I want higher up the list…..
We all deserve that.

How was your hospital appointment sandwich?

I used to do a big get together here on boxing day every year.

Just can't be arsed now. Dad's gone, last time mum didn't even take her coat off and I have no interest in spending time with pils.

So I'll arrange stuff to do with friends and treat ds2 to a spa day :)

Oh, and after mils bigoted diatribe on my sons 18th birthday she and fil are coming for 2 hours max on boxing day

I might be "needed" elsewhere whilst they are here!!