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I'm not sure what your dh is waiting for. If he doesn't want the details that's not good enough.

Bibbity my mother's care home are struggling to deal with her continence, so remember that you're doing a great job. It really may be time to think about more care though x

Then let dh deal with the worst of it. Or hear about it.

@thesandwich
Thank you.
BIL is more open to a care home than my DH is but then my DH isn’t the one dealing with the worst of it.

DH is of the opinion that the worse her memory gets (and it’s really very bad now) the easier a care home will be for her and for us.

That’s not right is it?

@BippityBobbityBoo you are v welcome to vent here. It sounds awful- friend had similar with her dm who is now in a care home.
You shouldn’t have to do it. You did the best you could. You are not trained for this, and you and mil deserve dignity.
🌺🌺

I feel like if there is a need to move house, it's already too late. If they have got to that level of infirmity, they won't cope with the hassle and upheaval. People need to think ahead and move before they need it.

This is of course one of many situations where I expect in 30 years I'll be just as guilty.

Hello

I’m still quite upset about incident two days ago. Do you mind if I vent and share please?

MIL lives with us and her other son on a two week rotation so we do get a break. She has advanced dementia and is increasingly immobile and incontinent but we generally muddle along time ok.
She had an accident and messed herself when DH was out and it was just awful and I can’t stop worrying about it and also feeling a bit angry.

I hope it’s not TMI but I’ve no one to tell, DH is just all ooohhh no spare me the details I do t want to know which is very unfair.

The mess was everywhere she was struggling to stand and was undressed below waist so was shuffling along the walls and smearing it everywhere. All over her shoes and treading it everywhere. All over her hands, legs, back and light switches, walls,carpets, her clothes.

She was trying to clear it with tiny bits of tissues and was shouting at me to just leaver her be.
I had to shout back to STOP WHAT SHE WAS DOING AND LISTEN TO ME, she was making it all so much worse.

We never shout at each other.

She then refused to shower and stood her ground saying she just needed some help to clean herself. Long story short she’s then bent over and I find myself with a bowl of hot soapy water cleaning her best I can.

I’m not a troll I promise. I’m just a bit traumatised and keep shaking when I think about it.

Me and her both panicked. I dealt with it badly and should have made her shower. The indignity of it all ☹️ She’s 88

For your own health they must accept help. Why not contact a taxi firm with remit to take them out? Show the balance of cost v running a car?
You deserve to be a daughter, not carer or cleaner.

Chauffeur twice a week sounds brilliant - why not! Taxi driver?

Many thanks for your replies.
I hear everything you’re saying particularly regarding moving home.
Their house is not adaptable. We researched and they were unable to get a downstairs loo due to the lack of drains.
My thoughts are that if they decide to move, it will be a joint decision that they both accept. If one of them dies, it’ll be that much harder for the remaining one to cope with the loss as well as moving.
My mum is showing signs of short term memory loss and can’t remember days and time etc.
She refuses a cleaner and is quite capable of minimal housekeeping. I go change/make the beds, hoover, sort some washing out although they do have a laundromat who collects, irons and delivers the majority of their washing.

I’ve seen such a decline in their well being in the last 12 months.
My mum misses being able to be spontaneous and go out when they want to and would like my dad to start driving again. I’m afraid I’d have to intervene and make sure that doesn’t happen and I’d prefer my dad to make the final decision to surrender his license.
Mum would like a retired chauffeur to come twice a week and take them out!
🤦‍♀️

@hodibiddy. Huge hugs.

Second the idea of some form of home adaptation if at all possible, and definitely get in extra help.

Could you frame it in terms of someone doing a personal assistant type role to cover shopping etc?

Definitely look at cleaning and gardening if not already in place.

Heavens, I outsource as much of my own chores as I can and I am not yet in my dotage.

Attendance Allowance is non means tested and helps towards the cost. Might be worth applying - but not yet, think of something nice to do for yourself. It's a tough situation. X

Oh@Hodibiddy scream away. That sounds spectacularly tough.
And unsustainable. You must protect yourself and your health.
Is there anyone they would listen to?neighbour/ church/ family friend etc who you could talk to? Or district nurse via gp?
Please use your health with these folk…. And get your dp’s to accept help. Pay neighbours if they are interested in work. Seek help via age uk/ local fb etc. Cleaners/ Gardeners’/ companions etc etc. Before you break.🌺🌺🌺

Oh Hodibiddy.

A scream sounds the least of what you can do.

Without wanting to be negative... a note of caution. Moving people that age is such a major deal - losing those neighbours etc. Could they move downstairs instead? My plumber says it will be February before he can install a shower but actually February isn't that far away. Could they have regular help coming in? Just don't jump to 'moving house' as the answer. Screaming is better...

I'm sorry @Hodibiddy It's tough to be the one in charge. Do they have any help at all? Gardener, cleaner?

Sorry about the spelling mistakes. Typing in tears never ends well 😢

My parents live 50 miles away.
They are both late 80’s.
They are housebound after a car accosting September and both struggle with mobility issues.
They live in a very rural area and despite good neighbours who pop in occasionally they are reliant on family. Ie Me.
Whilst they are very grateful when I go see them, they always need to do so much. Yesterday we went to Wilco wheee mum spent £120 pounds. She tends to go mad and stick up when she gets the chance and I totally get it.
They then wanted to go out for lunch.
We then needed to get a supermarket shop.
When we got back to their home, they had a power cut and mum was halfway up on the stairlift.
Their house is beautiful but old. Think dark wood and small windows.
I’d got 11 bags of shizzle to bring in, in the dark. Mum was panicking as she was desperate for the loo. Everywhere my dad stood he was in the way.

I was close to tears as this just sums up every at the moment. I’m post cancer but have other health issues and waiting for more investigation. They don’t know as I dont want to burden them.
I just feel to be juggling custard and getting bogged down with sadness.
I’ve broached looking for somewhere more suitable and they could buy outright without selling the house.
I fear I’m going to have to get my adulting hat in and make some decisions.

Thank you for allowing me to vent x x x

Screaming is actually very good. I've taken myself off somewhere ( very quiet , you don't want the police called ) and had a good old go. It tires you out , but you feel so much better afterwards.

In my house clearing this morning I came across a stash of unwanted presents in the wardrobe. There was a bonus, something I'd bought for me, mum paid and was supposed to wrap it up. Neither of us had missed it last year (or maybe the year before) so I'm going to wrap it for me for this year. I felt a bit more positive today, I still don't like doing it but I have two bags of really nice Christmas presents to go to the charity shop at exactly the right time of year.

Scream away @Hodibiddy though we may join in.

[Googles primal scream therapy. Does it even still exist?]

@Hodibiddy screaming is encouraged but it you can bear to type out the reason for the screaming we can all make soothing/sympathetic and practical noises to help you.

Feel free Hodibiddy I find the red cushions near the window are the best to scream into of you are worried about scaring anyone.

Am I able to just have a SCREEEEAAAAAMMMMM please?

Hairbrush of course you are concerned, but there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all you are seeing.

If you had spoken to my MIL a month ago she would have sworn blind that me and DH had done the most terrible things to her, little short of mental cruelty and torture.

Your DM was not wearing her skirt properly, maybe she didn’t want to put it on properly, maybe this is the compromise they came up with.

You are absolutely right to look further into this, and to ask questions, but you must know that eccentric dressing is not necessarily a sign of poor care.