Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

Good luck Opal.

I'll be staying here on 23rd then making an early escape on Christmas Eve to spend the day and evening with DD.

Haven't told mum yet, or broken the news that I'm planning to go out on New Year's Eve...

She's coming here for Xmas day (I'll be on the prosecco pretty early ....)
I had hoped my sister might have her but...nope.
My brother always (20 years +) goes to his pils
In fact, mum is making noises about not seeing my sister at all on Xmas day and seeing her Xmas eve instead (which is fine as I am staying at home on Xmas eve)
I assume my sister will be with her bf on Xmas day.
I'm taking mum for breakfast today. Bit we hsve to walk as I forgot ds1 has the car so I'm preparing myself for her cancelling. It's not far but she's not keen on walking anywhere atm

I agree that this is all the more draining when one's parent hasn't been the greatest. My parent has always been extremely difficult and is now, frankly, in another league. As you say, boundaries are key, but after many decades of being pandered to, my parent doesn't recognise or respect them.

Oh bless you knot. I couldn't believe how much admin there was for the funeral alone. I hope you've got some support and you're managing to have a break from it all.

Opal that's horrible...no wondering you're finding it difficult. Take care of yourself.

I must have told this one before. I'd done MIL's shopping, fixed things that weren't broken, sorted out the sulking Sky box and I was on my way out of the door when she called me back with "It's a good drying day, you could just change the sheets on my bed". I'd been there for hours and I'd had enough so I pointed out that her daughter was coming the next day and she could change the sheets (if I'd known she was coming she could have done all the other things too but no-one thought I needed to know). She was absolutely taken aback, "well I don't think (daughter) could manage THAT". When asked who she thought had been changing the sheets on her daughter's bed for the last thirty years it all went quiet. My role was very clearly she-who-does while the rest of the family made social calls.

@MintyCedric I'm doing ok. The death certificates arrived in the post today so I can busy myself with admin. I have the excuse of being able to do nothing in the house until I'm officially the administrator of the estate, I secured the valuables early in the year in my attorney role. It remains to be seen whether I will feel any better about clearing out wardrobes in my new role.

I don't remember her ever even hugging me

She couldn't even tell me I looked nice on my wedding day :(

My mum was a mixture.

She was fabulous when I was child, but once I got to the stage of having my opinions and wanting to be more independent the issues started, although it's only as I've gotten older I've realised how much impact that's had on my life.

She's always been very supportive practically, but I find the emotional neediness utterly draining.

I'm afraid I've not put much effort into my sisters secret santa 🤣🤣

A line in the sand seems like a good idea, to be honest, I think I need to work on boundaries more. I was being only partly flippant/bitter when I said maybe my uninvolved siblings had the right idea. I mean, I still think they could show their faces a bit more, but they are under no more obligation to try to ‘fix’ things than I am. Or should that be, I’m under no more obligation than them.

Thats bloody hard @Opal8. My mum was the best - the best Mum I could have had, and i also feel I kind of got the best of her, we were always in tune in a way that wasn't quite the same for my bro and sister. It does make stepping up now a damn sight easier.

I am also solver of all things, despite also working 4 days a week and having two small children. Issues with council tax? Ring OhPlease, not her brother. Internet not working? Me. Curtain rail broken? Ask OhPlease if her DH can fix it. Ditto the printer, and the TV. My sister in law, by the way, is at home full time, and last time I checked my brother was capable of working a telly. It’s infuriating!

Lurker here. Reading you all having the same challenges as me is simultaneously comforting and a bit depressing. @BestIsWest there are 5 of us siblings/step siblings altogether. Mostly all within an hour to two hours away but in various different directions. During a recent crisis, when we struggled to get carers, I was there the most, and did 90% of the organising. Two others stepped up when I lost the plot. One had to be press-ganged into spending an hour with his dad, who he’d probably last seen at least 6 months ago. Apparently he “struggles to cope with the fact he has dementia”. Good job the rest of us don’t have such struggles, eh? And one was completely absent. She lives the furthest away, but we’re talking a couple of hours, not the other side of the country. People in the US drive further to go to dinner. I still remember how furious I was when I suggested to my mum that she might come down one weekend, instead of the rest of us. “But she’s so far away!” I’m not asking her to bloody move in, just, you know, visit her dad once in a while, and perhaps particularly at a time when he really needs it. Anyway. Deep breaths. Maybe the two of them have got it right. They’ll probably come out of this with their sanity in tact.

I’ve had endless phone calls this week about the electricity and the gas fire not working. To be fair there have been several power cuts but I don’t have the power to bring them to an end. Doesn’t help that her fuse box is out of the ark, the old fashioned type that needs fuse wire. She also kept turning the community alarm off instead of the Christmas tree lights so I was getting calls from them at 11 pm as she was turning them off before bed.

Her gas fire wouldn’t light tonight so I had to dash up there - by the time I got there she had lit it. It needs replacing but to do so means replacing the boiler as it’s a unit and they no longer make that type...we’ve had it fixed four times since dad died.
Came home and decided to get the gas fitter and electrician in to replace the lot.

DH getting annoyed because she won’t think of ringing my brother about any of this ‘He’s working’ or ‘He’s away in the caravan’.
I am also working but because I WFH she disregards this and considers it less important than DBs job. It’s not.

I took her and two friends to their Christmas Lunch for a group they belong to this morning and was listening to her telling them all about it. It’s clear she relishes the drama. Attention seeking perhaps.

Sorry bad daughter rant over and I will now go back and catch up on the thread.

I understand @MintyCedric

I might as well be an only child tbh :(

Oh Opal that sucks.

In some ways I'm glad I don't have siblings.

It's easy to see them through rose tinted glasses when you're an only, but it always seems to be left to one child, or else everyone wants to get involved and clashes.

It might be hard work but I'm grateful I'm not having to deal with that.

(Deep breaths)

Oh!
And at the Dr's yesterday she told the Dr
"I think this is all related to the bladder prolapse"
🙄🙄🙄😬😬😬
She's been denying it could be the issue for months!
Arghhhhhhhhhh

I'm feeling quite fed up really
Dh is away in the US til Saturday
I'm taking mum out for breakfast tomorrow
Then she'll come here for lunch on Sunday
Then hospital visit next week (which is a nightmare for parking)
It's no use but I just wish my siblings did just small things with her occasionally
I know she's hard work, I know she's tiring but she's nearly 76 and lonely
I got flu a few years ago and was really ill. I didn't see mum in almost 3 weeks...she hadn't seen anyone in that time.
My siblings live closer to her than I do...
Sigh.

[quote PermanentTemporary]@Opal8 that's a lot of work going to doctors appointments...and sounds like more coming. Good news though.

@33goingon64 your poor brother. I'm trying to untangle something financial that ought to be simple at the moment, and my goodness it's a headache. At least I have poa, but it's a huge challenge actually using it.

@freshcarnation oh no! Is your mum ok?[/quote]
Yeah it's been busy!
She phoned me earlier (I told her I was on a teams interview panel so couldn't answer...)
Anyway, uro gynaecology have fitted her in next Wednesday for an appointment.
She needs to get her bladder prolapse repaired but I think I'm fighting a losing battle on that one

Thanks Knot. She's OK in herself and I am mollycoddling her a bit tonight .

Great suggestion about calling the Land Registry. I spoke to them when we got the letter and they were really helpful.

How are you doing?

Mum sorted the land registry forms herself. I'd looked at them and given up, she rang them up and they talked her through them.

I fared better once I realised that sometimes people don't want advice, they just want a moan. I was giving my carefully researched advice that was then ignored and I felt bad. Once I realised that mum really didn't want anything to change and wasn't looking for any advice I could step back to being a listener.

Minty that sounds painful for her, I hope the anitbiotics take effect before it gets any worse.

I suppose it's probably weird/selfish but I find all this so much more draining to deal with than dad with his physical difficulties.

If mum hadn't been around I could have cared for dad 24/7. I suppose the difference is he really needed the care I was giving, did as he was advised and seemed to appreciate it much of the time.

Whilst mum absolutely does need some support, t's hard not to feel a lot of her 'needs' are actually attention seeking and wanting to be molly coddled. She never does as she's advised, even when it's for her own good, and rarely shows any understanding on the impact on my life or appreciation.