Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

@notaflyingmonkey your lack of sleep must make you feel so bad. Most GPs are happy to prescribe a sort course of sleeping tablets or similar for people under a lot of stress so at least you can get some decent rest to have some energy to deal with everything xx

@Knotaknitter what is it with the wads of cash? My DM likes to have cash available at all times and loads of it. The other day I mentioned I was having an electrician round and would pay him cash and she said 'I'll lend you £50 in case it's more than you think' and there was load of notes in a pile of other stuff on the side table!

@Fantasea

Yep, mines the same. If I say a rough time I'll be round and I'm not there on the dot she's on the phone within a couple of minutes tops.

Constantly argues about how much time I spend there...don't know if she's being difficult or losing awareness of time tbh.

She's also claimed to be seeing things (people, images on the ceiling) and the constant tutting if I use my phone while I'm there (which I do lot as a kind of self-soothing tactic...mindless games etc, still listening to her) and politically incorrect rants are soooo wearing.

hairbrush I'm really sorry you're having this extra worry now with your mum. It's the last thing you need - hope the meds kick in soon.

My mum has always been vehemently against taking ADs after all why help yourself when you can make everyone else's lives miserable but after a particularly bad period a few months ago spoke to GP at length who looked into it and said there is nothing she can take due to incompatibility with her other meds for arguably more important things.

sandwich thanks. I have pointed out that I'm considerably cheaper than the alternative but she refuses to believe me, even though she's currently paying L's agency 3x his original fee now that dad's finances are sorted and in her name as she no longer qualifies for discount.

I tried to have a conversation with her about changing my 'hours' so I have two days off together once a week, which resulted in toys being thrown out of pram and the predictable veiled threats. Then as I left she came out with "I wish we got on better and that I knew how to cheer you up..."

I'm just emotionally drained...the year started with promise but now I feel like in quicksand. Interview tomorrow but the job it's for is only 12 hours per week, so I desperately need to be trying to get some freelance writing work, but it's so hard when my days are constantly interrupted by needing to go round and keep mum company for hours at a time.

@NewYearNewMinty my issues with my DM feel small compared to most others on here but I have the same problem - nothing is right. The car is a place where she criticises me a lot too, mostly non-verbally though as she holds the door, sometimes with both hands, as I'm driving . The other day, I was due to collect her at 11am. I was reversing off my drive as the clock turned 11.00 and saw someone behind the car - it was her! She had walked from her flat around the corner as I was 5 seconds late! Using the financial stick to beat you with is so unkind and unnecessary, that must be awful for you.

@Knotaknitter and @notaflyingmonkey going through stuff must be so painful.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry your mum is so unhappy. My DF had depressive episodes over the years and the wait for the medication to work made us feel so helpless. They did help after a few weeks but that time felt endless.

@thesandwich funny how they appreciate other people so vocally 😂.

My DM has been ramping up her 'hints' to get to the supermarket recently, online groceries are so 'unsatisfactory'. I have a weekly Sunday order to mine and took her bits over yesterday. She held the lettuce, squeezed it and said 'hmm, middling', no thank you, she likes a huge dense one ideally for her 43p. I suggested to her this morning that I'll take her to Tesco tomorrow, at a time to suit me when it's quiet, so early afternoon - Mum said she'd like to be there at 7am! She can go in and select the perfect lettuce whilst I sit in the car on my phone, my immune system isn't up to going in. I see this as a win-win, I've been organising a weekly order delivered to her up until now, so it saves the inevitable ordering fiasco (she can't work the site) where she'll query all prices and availability and also saves me having to collect the bits I put on to get it up to £40. Plus a stamp on my time card! 😆

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I chopped the last paragraph from my earlier post, the one with my recurring nightmare that's set off by anything mum-related. Last night it was down to today's valuation appointment, I know that but my rational self has no power at 1am (and all the other small numbers that came after). It's always a variation on the same thing, somehow mum has made a recovery and come home from residential care. I know it won't last, I can see she's not well and I know I'm going to be back where I was with not knowing what to do, unable to get help, forever worrying about her. Last night she was driving, terrifyingly badly and all I could think about was how I could get her back to the home as she was a danger to herself and others. It's not just you with that dream.

Mum was so much happier once she'd started on anti-depressants, I have wanted her to see the GP for years but she'd have none of it. I wish she'd done it decades ago, she would have had her final years free of catastrophizing and being up all night finding inventive solutions to things that weren't really problems at all.

Sorting through things is slow, today I found an old tatty makeup bag at the back of a low shelf which was full of jewellery. I know her thinking - a thief wouldn't look twice at it so it will be safe back there. I'm on the look out for a bunch of £20 pound notes that she put somewhere safe - generally she used three or four hiding places and I could find it pretty quickly but one lot never came to light.

Thanks @Onewildandpreciouslife for sharing that. I honestly thought that as I am so pragmatic that it would be relatively straightforward, but as soon as I lose my pace, I grind to a halt. DD has tried to help but is even worse, taking things back out of the 'charity' pile, because we might need two gravy boats.

My SIL travelled a couple of hours at the weekend to help, and she really shifted things along, for which I am truly grateful.

I have found this harder than sorting someone's stuff after their death, something I did for DB and for DF.

I'm glad we are no longer having to isolate after a close contact because, having had none intil mid January this year, Ihave just been notified of number 5! I would have only spent single days out of isolation since 14th January before going back in again.

My mum isn't doing too well. The home rang me 10 days ago to say that she was very down so they had asked the GP to prescribe something for her mood.

Then when we saw her on Saturday she was very upset and agitated, complaining that she was tired but couldn't sleep, saying that everyone was horrible to her, telling her she was rude, shouting at her. We just kept reiterating that no one would say that and that they all love her (because that's what they tell us) and then I had the bright idea to suggest it might have been one of the other residents who speaks very articulately but total nonsense. We reassured her that it was most likely J and she wasn't even talking to mum at the time.

But she was still very agitated and trembling. I had a quiet word with the nurse and they are concerned because she is so unhappy and argues about getting up - she just wants to be left in bed. But the nurse pointed out that it can take several weeks for the meds to kick in so hopefully we will see a positive change soon.

I feel mum has given up and it breaks my heart. I keep dreaming about her and in my dreams she is in my house and I am so stressed about caring for her or finding a way to get her back to the home. I know she is in the right place but I am so sad for her.

@Knotaknitter and @notaflyingmonkey I sold my DM’s house last year. Sorting through the stuff is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and I live 5 hours away so I didn’t have much time. DM is in a care home and I’m her deputy, so a lot of furniture that might go to the family in due course had to go into storage. So anything vaguely “difficult” got put in a box and sent to storage too, and I’ll sort it when the time comes.

You have my sympathy- it’s a rotten job

I'm also in the position of sorting DM's house, which I am finding v hard going. Having to poke through every last item and make a decision about its likely fate is proving much harder than I anticipated.

Estate agent valuation is happening this week, and I can't remember the last time i had more than four hours sleep a night.

Fingers crossed that we seem to have found a long term nursing home that has availability and ticks boxes for DM.

MIL's home is closed for covid, I only know this because I rang to book a visit. The group's webpage says that home is open and the member of staff I spoke to this morning said they had one case. The last time I looked at the national guidance it took two cases to make an outbreak and lead to closure. I am mentally composing a letter to head office about the three week delay in updating the "current closure position" on their website and possibly clarifying the deifinition of "outbreak" which isn't "we've had one case so want to be careful".

@NewYearNewMinty Money and the carrot of an inheritence has been used before as a stick to beat you with, why should now be any different? As soon as you left work she had you over a barrel. Does she need more people in her life that she can criticise? It would take the pressure off you a bit if she could find someone else to be in the wrong now and again. I hope that one of your interviews gives you an exit from this situation.

I've had the house valued this morning, while waiting I went through drawers of unnamed, undated black and white photos, my letters home when I went to uni in the early eighties and a really vile letter from my aunt circa 1975. I can't believe that they reconciled (at least twice) after mum received that. I find sorting through things really difficult, even things that I know mum hadn't touched in forty years and probably didn't know she still had.

Hi @NewYearNewMinty rant away….. no issues too small with elderly wrangling and you’ve had so much to deal with….. it’s the things that chip away and grind us down…..
You can always say to your mum that you saved her and you dad an absolute fortune in paid care…….
Txt from mums cleaner saying she was v happy to do stuff for mum because she was soooooo appreciative!!! 🤣😂🤣😂
cockroach all!!

Morning all...How's everyone getting on?

I know my issues are pretty insignificant these days but blimey Mum is driving me absolutely up the wall atm.

She literally doesn't stop banging on about the financial help she's given me since I stopped working, and criticises absolutely everything I do and say all the time, it's relentless.

This morning I've gone round early to take her the new GP...she told me what route I should take, which I ignored as I prefer the alternative one...moaned about where I'd parked (about 20 yards up the road as I wasn't aware there was disabled parking outside).

She out now but this is the tip of the bloody iceberg

Thank you all, lots there to consider. She's bed bound and incontinent, but able to hold a beaker with a straw. I'll look into this.

Hello, @freshcarnation. Is your dm ok between visits? Not at risk of escaping/ leaving gas in etc?
Have you heard of jelly drops? www.jellydrops.com/ Paramedics and others recommended these- just like sweets, may help. They do have a shelf life but might help.
Dms house was also far too hot.
Sending gin/ choc etc to all.

@freshcarnation I would think a bit more broadly than that. Why is she dehydrated? What dies the carer say? How much does she drink when the carer is there? Does she remember to drink at all when she's not? Or is she refusing to drink, either because she doesn't want to, doesn't remember she hasn't drunk, is worried about incontinence or getting up for the loo?

Might she drink different things now? Most people with dementia come to prefer sweet tastes- would she drink orange squash or Coke more than water? Or would she like sugar in her tea now? Lots of things to try.

As things go my mum's dementia is mild but she also has severe mobility problems and needs two carers and a hoist to move and she is incontinent. Even with me on hand to provide meals, etc Social Services felt that 4 calls a day would not be sufficient for her needs so she is in a home.

She is not self funding and her care package through Social Services was capped so it was a slightly different situation but if her nutritional needs can't be met, if she needs more prompting to drink, then perhaps it isn't enough.

Hello all. Hope the sun's shining for you all like it is here at the moment (for the next five minutes anyway)

May I ask for those of you with your parents at home how much care they have? My mum has late stage dementia. She's at home with a carer who comes 4 times a day, every day and we pay £800 a week for this so she is with her for over an hour each visit, not a quick in and out. The district nurses are questioning whether she needs more care visits and say she is dehydrated. Is the amount of care we've sorted for her reasonable? Or should she now be put in a home so that she has more care?

It's a hard watch, so not required viewing for us. And like Minty, I don't like her on TV etc, but I thought it was a useful piece to show the relentless aspect of caring.

I'm doing ok - albeit defo in the self neglect camp currently. DM had her assessment this week and it looks like she will be given the £187 a week funded nursing care, which whilst it is a pittance when most nursing homes start at £1k a week, I guess it's better than nothing.

I am now nearing the point where I can get her house on the market.

Everything crossed for your horse@countrygirl99 sorry about your dm. Hope she can access help.
@notaflyingmonkey couldn’t bear to watch it. But a familiar tale and reminder to us all about self care. How’s your health?

@notaflyingmonkey

I didn't know it was on until I saw another thread about it last night.

Tbh I find Kate Garraway quite irritating and have been a bit baffled by how someone in her situation has so much time to spend courting publicity (which I know makes me sound like a judgemental snarky twat).

However, the reviews I've seen have been good and I will probably suspend my inner cowbag and have a watch later.

Hello all.

Slightly off tangent, but has anyone watched the Kate Garraway 'caring for Derek' programme on ITV? It was an illustration in what trying to take everything on yourself looks like (albeit in a beautiful house and, I would imagine, a lot of money). One of the paid carers points out that Kate was guilty of self neglect, and points out how common it is for people to do that.

In the good news horse has had his op and is back home recovering.
In the bad news I've emailed mum's GP this morning as she is really depressed and not coping at all. She has now missed 2 GP appointments.

Hello everyone ( waves at thesandwich)

For my own handyman/ DIY work, I tend to accumulate a list of small jobs and then call on the regular local handyman. Like Sandwich's DM's, mine is a treasure and I dread him retiring. The other day he refitted a tricky bulb in the cooker hub, went with me to collect a piece of furniture from a local shop and help me carry it up two flights of stairs, and fixed a wonky standard lamp.

For my mother's work, I would ask the cleaner for recommendations as she was local and knew everyone.

Dint you are very wise to avoid asking your son to do all these things. I would get really resentful in the final years when my mother was at home. Literally the first thing she did was present me with a list of things to do/ buy/fix etc. Couple that with her lifelong disinterest in me or my life - equalled resentment central. Now she is in the home, so grateful to be free of all that.

On my way to chemo…. Carer messages keysafe is not working properly…. Lovely dh goes to buy new one and fits it before coming
to pick me up….. dm say carer”” supervises” him??
Dh is awesome. At least two of dbs wouldn’t know how to use a screwdriver……