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If you were at work she would still expect you to be doing these little things (that take hours a day) and unless you stand firm you will be doing them on top of your working hours.

I would make a performance of considering what she's said about finding a job. Obviously you'd be be better off but jot down the local rates for cleaner/taxi/companion/whatever else you're doing so she's clear what it would cost her to replace you.

All true. Her response to this is to bring out the stick of 'I'll have to pay for a full time live in carer' or currently 'I'll have to go in somewhere'...eg. Don't think you're getting any inheritance if you don't do what I expect.

One of the main reasons I don't step back is DD. Mum's financial help means she can have things that I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford as a single parent, even if I was working. She's just replaced her broken laptop and paid for a block of driving lessons for her birthday.

Unfortunately my ex doesn't see any reason to put his hand his pocket for anything above and beyond the monthly maintenance and as we all know, teens are expensive.

I just really don't want DD to suffer because of the choices I've made.

Unfortunately I've spent my entire life making career choices based on other people's opinions and needs, so although I've got decent qualifications I don't have a lot of consistent experience, which will make it hard to get any kind of well paid and interesting job.

Of course the job I really want is bestselling author of crime fiction/psychological thrillers...

@AfterEightMintyCedric She's got form for dangling a financial carrot and the only way you can get away from that is by being independant. This is the bit where I usually bang on about pensions but I'll save that talk for when you're back working. She wants to have her cake and eat it, have the help she wants on call but not pay for it. If you were at work she would still expect you to be doing these little things (that take hours a day) and unless you stand firm you will be doing them on top of your working hours.

I would make a performance of considering what she's said about finding a job. Obviously you'd be be better off but jot down the local rates for cleaner/taxi/companion/whatever else you're doing so she's clear what it would cost her to replace you.

She's very lucky to have family so close, it's less usual these days. What do all those people do who have family at the other end of the country? - they make their own arrangements for the support they need (or social services do it for them)

@MrsRussell Something had to change. If the fairies had arranged a magical clean up then things would have gone on as they were and next time (because there would be a next time) she might have been in a worse state. This might be the crisis that is a turning point.

There was great denial of MIL's drinking. she probably drank less than me but I don't have balance issues and a wrecked liver. She'd been told to never, ever drink again and I know this because I was there in hospital when it was repeated to her but it wasn't something her family knew. I saw the empties in the dustbin ("I poured it down the sink") and I knew which family member bought it for her. Residential care is probably going to add years to her life.

(Oh look, another essay. Are all your social groups cancelled this week Knota? Why yes they are, does it show that I haven't had anyone to talk to except my son?)

Minty Cedric, you made an agreement with your mother to give up work to help her out. You told her that you need extra money for doing this and she agreed.
As time has gone by she is expecting you to be around more and to keep doing what she wants.
Now she telling you she is running out of money and brings up the fact you need to get a job because of this.
Does she not realise that if you get a job your not going to be available at a moment's notice to do things for her?
In your case I would be looking a job because it will keep up your ni record and improve your own financial position. You mother can pay for taxis, cleaners ect and arrange them also as if your in work you can't do this.

Opal I'm currently rethinking looking for a part-time job in the New Year and thinking about full time.

YESSSSSS!!!!!!

Hospital have just phoned, they discharged her tonight, two volunteer drivers took her home, took her up and looked at the blood and shit and went NOPE.
Taken her back in and they're looking at residential home with immediate effect. She will not be allowed to return to that flat. Referral to Social Services going in first thing tomorrow morning.

Reeeeee-SULT!!!!!

Financially controlling much?

When mum moved she did tentatively suggest giving me a set amount per month for fuel/car parking etc but I refused...because she would do EXACTLY what your mum is doing and that would be the end of our relationship. I would not tolerate it. Its a form of abuse.

And yes...I'm terrified of Covid but I can totally see where you're coming from.

Personally I'd love the time and cash to bugger off to the Priory for 6 weeks of peace, self-care and intensive therapy.

...its such a tiny amount isn't it?

Yup...and because I went back to work briefly I've not had a payment since September (until yesterday), no UC for a couple of months and no wage since 22/10.

Talked all this through with her prior to handing in my notice and she was completely on board with doing this arrangement for 6 months...since I've left work the subject of how rapidly her funds are depleting and how I must get a job immediately if I'm not freelancing come up every single time I visit.

I get CA for mum - since August anyway - its such a tiny amount isn't it?
I've always said I won't do overnights - but of course I end up doing them by default when shes ill overnight/needs to go to a&e etc

Part of me almost wishes I get covid so I can just not do anything/go anywhere for 10 days. How messed up is that?? ☹️

Opal I can't manage entirely on CA and UC so mum gives me a few hundred pounds a month 'wages' in return for my doing 35 hours a week of care for her.

Needless to say she doesn't count the overnight that I stay, or all the little errands I run on my way to and from hers. I think ideally she would like me there 7 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I did say I'll happily come more in the day and stop the overnight...cue radio silence.

Maybe next time I'll point out that she's unlikely to find a carer anywhere else for £3.44 an hour.

"Wages"???
Christ, the red mist would have descended for me...
Mum is - covid depending - going to my sisters on Xmas eve so I'll get that day off.
We are going out for breakfast on Thursday with ds2 and dn.
Then she's coming here for lunch Xmas day.
I'm going to try and meet a friend on boxing day.

Glad there's been progress of sorts carnation.

Hairbrush I'm not sure whether your Christmas guests situation sounds like a nightmare or a bit of a result.

MrsR hope things are running smoothly for you this evening.

After a peaceful couple of days I had the most bizarre row with mum this afternoon.

Didn't see her yesterday but call am to say she had yet another UTI, had been uo several times in the night and used her test strips which showed an infection and blood in urine. She had a few things on so I said I'd call GP for her.

GP called yesterday afternoon and asked her to send in sample so the friend that was visiting kindly dropped it off.

Mum chased up this morning and was told they'd sent sample to hospital for testing...results tomorrow.

I went round midday and every time she needed the loo she was doubled over, so I phoned again, pointed out that this was a very regular thing and she really needed antibiotics ASAP. Threw in 'as you know, UTIs in elderly people can get very serious very quickly...' GP phoned back in 3 minutes flat and agreed to send prescription to the chemist which I said I'd go and collect and drop round to her at teatime.

DD popped in and I was telling her about my triumph getting Mum sorted, and mum starts going on about how I'd missed the point of the issues she was having and failed to mention them to the receptionist I'd spoken to.

I pointed out that I was less interested in the minutiae of her dip test and more concerned about getting her meds so we don't end up spending Christmas Eve in A & E with her going gaga with a UTI.

She went completely batshit...accused me of making her feel like a burden, not spending enough time with her, only wanting to do anything with her on my terms, and threatened to cancel my 'wages' this month.

I told her she was bloody ungrateful and if she felt like that she could pick her own meds up.

Of course I ended up doing it anyway and when I went back she was absolutely fine...

Having said I wouldn't go again until Christmas Day my cousin is going to see mum tomorrow so I am going with her. It's not easy visiting her and I feel that supporting my cousin is the decent thing to do. We have discussed presents and I have persuaded her not to buy anything. She's going to make a pair of fingerless gloves and give her the reed diffuser I have for her because I think mum gets overwhelmed with too much to look at/think about.

I had a phone call today from Cruse about the counselling which will start on the 7th January which is brilliant.

Oh and Christmas is shrinking by the day! DSil tested positive on Saturday, DD's fiance tested positive yesterday. DD did a PCR and she is positive and the other DD got a positive LFT this afternoon. DSiL's family decided it was too risky to travel so they have cancelled.

We are currently down to six guests and two of those are holding on until Friday morning to decide whether or not to come (LFT's permitting!)

So very glad I don't have mum here to fit around as well!

Mum seems OK atm so hopefully I'll stay that way for a while...

Oh hairbrush I'm sorry, that sounds rotten for you. I wonder sometimes if the complaint is more of a compliment than it sounds - "it's lovely but I don't want you thinking too much of yourself" if you see what I mean, peas are not allowed to get their heads above sticks...

Glad your mum is being sorted out @freshcarnation although not great about the dementia confirmation, but at least what you know you can work with?

Mine is being discharged today. (Ho hum, three days out.) Apparently her cleaner walked in and refused to clean today, it was so disgusting - but she thought I'd be up for going round and dealing with her bodily emissions. In what parallel dimension? She asked would I ring the ward and tell them it wasn't fit for her to go home. I said no, of course. If her bed is full of blood and shit - apparently - they need to sort out emergency accomodation, even if it's a B&B.

I feel a bit lousy batting this back to the hospital staff but at the end of the day, if I say "oh go on, I'll deal with it" it becomes my responsibility. I don't have any legal authority to make decisions for her, and nor do I want it....

Thank you @Knotaknitter We are very pleased with this decision. It's been a bit tense thinking she might have interventions whilst in hospital that wouldn't have been in her best interest. Looking forward to having her home.

@freshcarnation That's good to hear. They did the same thing with mum, we agreed that it wasn't good for her to be taken to hospital for a trip and fall. There was the long wait for an ambulance, the stress of transport, the unfamiliar surroundings, the risk of infection and the alternative was that the GP could see her the next day, do the same test for a UTI and look her over. She was in a nursing home at the time, it's not as if there wasn't someone there to keep an eye on her.

Small update on mum. She's going to be sent home tomorrow hopefully. Consultant says brain scan confirmed dementia and is sorting out a PEACE document so she can be kept comfortable at home going forward rather than being taken back into hospital. Very sensible

Anyone else get the blame for absolutely everything?! Today DM declared that she would like me to take her to Woolworths. I explained they no longer in business (closed what, 15 years ago?) then got the indignant "well you might have told me"! Same happens with every appointment that we discuss, she has no recollection of them (Despite us talking about them every day) so again its "well I wish you would tell me about these things"!

Today I got accused of hiding her sandals (Why??) buying food that she doesn't like (She chose it) and not taking her for her 3rd Covid jab (she went weeks ago). I know it is her brain making excuses for her forgetfulness and not wanting to admit her memory is fading fast but still hard to take all the accusations when I do absolutely everything for her!

That’s a good idea @MintyCedric. I’ll have to see what’s about locally. Pending lockdown of course.